My friend broke up with his girlfriend who is feeling depressed and I need to help

[MoonieOwl]

A while ago my friend started 'dating' a girl he met on Snapchat. Emphasis on the quotation marks there.

It seemed to be going well until my friend got added to a group chat meant for setting people up with others. He ended up getting really close with one of the people there and they started dating. His ex (We will call her T) got mad because he had done this without letting her know but his argument was that they weren't official they were 'just talking'. T had previously self-harmed and was not in the best mental space when this was happening so that only made it worse. A lot of conversations would go back and fourth between them about who's fault it was and my friend (We will call him W) is acting like the victim the entire time so not helping her at all. By this point I had gotten involved as she was talking to me about it and he was claiming he did nothing wrong which in a sense is true but is still no excuse. T starts to feel worse as she starts blaming everything on herself while I am trying to get her to talk to someone. Eventually she tells someone at school but another interaction between W and T today has just reset all progress. Right now she doesn't feel ready to talk yet which is why I have stepped in here to ask for your advice on what she should do to find help (I've tried getting her to use this website as a first step but she can't bring herself to talk just yet and asked me to do it for her)

 

Do you have any advice for what she can do to take those first steps?

[Aurora]

19 hours ago, MoonieOwl said:

A while ago my friend started 'dating' a girl he met on Snapchat. Emphasis on the quotation marks there.

It seemed to be going well until my friend got added to a group chat meant for setting people up with others. He ended up getting really close with one of the people there and they started dating. His ex (We will call her T) got mad because he had done this without letting her know but his argument was that they weren't official they were 'just talking'. T had previously self-harmed and was not in the best mental space when this was happening so that only made it worse. A lot of conversations would go back and fourth between them about who's fault it was and my friend (We will call him W) is acting like the victim the entire time so not helping her at all. By this point I had gotten involved as she was talking to me about it and he was claiming he did nothing wrong which in a sense is true but is still no excuse. T starts to feel worse as she starts blaming everything on herself while I am trying to get her to talk to someone. Eventually she tells someone at school but another interaction between W and T today has just reset all progress. Right now she doesn't feel ready to talk yet which is why I have stepped in here to ask for your advice on what she should do to find help (I've tried getting her to use this website as a first step but she can't bring herself to talk just yet and asked me to do it for her)

Do you have any advice for what she can do to take those first steps?

Hi there, thank you so much for getting in touch. It sounds like you are worried about your friend and you want to make sure she is OK. You sound like a great friend and I'm sure she really appreciates you looking out for her. 

Do you mind telling us a bit more what it is you are worried about? It sounds like T is talking to you. Has she said, what she would like support with and what kind of support she would find most useful?Also, I noticed that you said that T spoke to someone at school and it sounded to me like that was helpful for T. Is that right?

I also just wanted to check in with you and make sure you're OK. How are you feeling? When we look out for others and support them, this can sometimes also have an effect on how we feel and I just wanted to let you know that we are here for you. 

[MoonieOwl]

6 hours ago, Aurora said:

Hi there, thank you so much for getting in touch. It sounds like you are worried about your friend and you want to make sure she is OK. You sound like a great friend and I'm sure she really appreciates you looking out for her. 

Do you mind telling us a bit more what it is you are worried about? It sounds like T is talking to you. Has she said, what she would like support with and what kind of support she would find most useful?Also, I noticed that you said that T spoke to someone at school and it sounded to me like that was helpful for T. Is that right?

I also just wanted to check in with you and make sure you're OK. How are you feeling? When we look out for others and support them, this can sometimes also have an effect on how we feel and I just wanted to let you know that we are here for you. 

Hi Aurora!

I'm pretty sure talking to someone at school has helped for her as she said she was going to have regular meetings with her teacher. I am worried as a few times she has seemed better but then contact with W (He is really bad over text which doesn't help) causes her to feel like it is all her fault. I make sure she knows it isn't as he can be a real pain so it has nothing to do with how she acted that made him be this way but I think just reassurance that she doesn't 'ruin everything' would be very beneficial.

I am feeling okay because I am doing the best I can and that is enough for me to feel good about myself and how I am helping thank you for asking!

[Aurora]

On 1/27/2023 at 8:50 PM, MoonieOwl said:

Hi Aurora!

I'm pretty sure talking to someone at school has helped for her as she said she was going to have regular meetings with her teacher. I am worried as a few times she has seemed better but then contact with W (He is really bad over text which doesn't help) causes her to feel like it is all her fault. I make sure she knows it isn't as he can be a real pain so it has nothing to do with how she acted that made him be this way but I think just reassurance that she doesn't 'ruin everything' would be very beneficial.

I am feeling okay because I am doing the best I can and that is enough for me to feel good about myself and how I am helping thank you for asking!

Hi there, 

I'm glad to hear you're feeling OK. I'm sure your friend really appreciates how you're looking out for her and I can imagine that your support is helping her process her feelings. It often takes a while to get over a breakup and if she is still seeing/interacting with W it's not surprising that she is feeling up and down. It's good that your friend will be having regular meetings with her teacher. Do you know if she is finding them helpful?

And do you mind me asking, what is it that you are most concerned about? 

[MoonieOwl]

4 hours ago, Aurora said:

Hi there, 

I'm glad to hear you're feeling OK. I'm sure your friend really appreciates how you're looking out for her and I can imagine that your support is helping her process her feelings. It often takes a while to get over a breakup and if she is still seeing/interacting with W it's not surprising that she is feeling up and down. It's good that your friend will be having regular meetings with her teacher. Do you know if she is finding them helpful?

And do you mind me asking, what is it that you are most concerned about? 

I don't think she has had a meeting yet as they are happening on friday but I'll let you know if they are helping!

I am most concerned about making sure she knows it's not her fault really because I spend a lot of time with W and he can be a real pain so when T says she feels horrible about the way she reacted when it was justified I want to make sure she knows that its not her fault.

[Aurora]

18 hours ago, MoonieOwl said:

I don't think she has had a meeting yet as they are happening on friday but I'll let you know if they are helping!

I am most concerned about making sure she knows it's not her fault really because I spend a lot of time with W and he can be a real pain so when T says she feels horrible about the way she reacted when it was justified I want to make sure she knows that its not her fault.

Thank you for clarifying. Have you told T that you don't think it was her faut and that her reaction was justified? If so, how did she react to hearing that? I think it can be really helpful for her to get someone else's views on this and yours in particular, as you're friends with both of them. 

[MoonieOwl]

9 hours ago, Aurora said:

Thank you for clarifying. Have you told T that you don't think it was her faut and that her reaction was justified? If so, how did she react to hearing that? I think it can be really helpful for her to get someone else's views on this and yours in particular, as you're friends with both of them. 

I have told her a few times how her actions were justified and I think she is grateful to have someone who is closer with W to be agreeing with her. I have just encouraged her to join the platform to give a full account so she can get the best advice possible as I don't know the full story

[Aurora]

16 hours ago, MoonieOwl said:

I have told her a few times how her actions were justified and I think she is grateful to have someone who is closer with W to be agreeing with her. I have just encouraged her to join the platform to give a full account so she can get the best advice possible as I don't know the full story

That sounds like a good idea. As you know Ditch the Label is a welcoming and safe space for everyone and I hope that your friend will feel comfortable here to share what's been going on for her. 

 I can imagine that it's been really helpful for her to hear your views as you are close to W as well . 

Would you like anymore support with this or are you good for now?