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Feel confuse and weird (and ridiculious) about myself


Lacerta
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I am a Female in 20s. I have equiped myself good enough to work as part of society, but when comes to my gender/sexuality/romance... I think I am awkward and feel confuse about these stuff. I hope to get some advice, to know myself better.

I think I attract to both men and women physically. I told my family about my interest in ladies and they are sort of okay with it, tho they believe same-sex relationship won't end up well. idk why but they are good enough to accept me. I am more into man than woman, but I have a crush to a girl before. I also had a 1year long relationship with a guy, but it ends up bad. I only told 2 of my friends about my love interest stuff as I feel awkward and I sort of avoiding lgbt+ news or activities cuz I feel nervous and stressful.

Another thing is about my fancy and imagination.  when I have wet dreams(daydreams) or satisfied my need, the scenario are always me being a guy and a bottom, do stuffs with another guy. I enjoy the feeling to be a gay man and sometimes also get feeling from think two woman do stuffs, just not the hetero pairing. I can't (or extremely hard) to imagine me as a woman and make love with a man.

I don't feel anything sexy about myself, from body image to genitalia. but I am okay with my female body, I feel good about it. But I perfer a male one if I can choose. I don't think I have gender dysphoria. It's just... I will be happier and easier if I got male body and genital.

I know I am strange and maybe everything is just simply my brain gone too far. Everything is confusing, what am I? Unlike many people in community, I am unsure about myself and I feel left alone from the different groups/identities. After all these year, I still couldn't find my identity and answer. It's quite frustuating and upset. I hope to get some advice, thank you

Edited by Lacerta
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Luie
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peanutbutterstruggles was awarded the badge 'Helpful' and 10 points.

hey @Lacerta! welcome to DTL. :) first of all, i wanted to let you know that a huge amount of people in the community are also unsure, questioning, or unlabeled. there's nothing wrong with that! but questioning in itself is a very isolating experience. please know we've all been there and we are here for you. 

secondly, you don't need gender dysphoria to be trans. it's very possible you are under the trans umbrella and you can still like your body. that's normal. from what you said, your experience with gender identity sounds very similar to other trans people.

some questions that you could ask yourself to help with figuring out your identity are: do i feel like a woman/man/something else? do i like being a woman? do i like to appear as a woman to others, or would i prefer to appear male/something else?

some other tips that i can give you: research trans and nonbinary identities. it's quite a common view that the only way to be trans is by being a trans woman or a trans man. but that's not true! there's such a huge amount of trans and nonbinary identities, maybe you'll find something that feels like you? when you can't find a label for how you feel, you can always ask other members here. or just go unlabeled!

i also think it'd be really helpful to experiment with pronouns or names. you can do it online, here for example. sometimes people make posts where others try out their pronouns for them, to see if they fit. or you could ask a trusted friend irl. if that's available, experiment with gender expression irl too (masculine, feminine, androgynous styles). if you want some tips on that, feel free to ask.

i am trans and nonbinary so i am here to answer any questions you might have. have a nice day!

Edited by peanutbutterstruggles
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15 hours ago, Lacerta said:

I don't feel anything sexy about myself, from body image to genitalia. but I am okay with my female body, I feel good about it. But I perfer a male one if I can choose. I don't think I have gender dysphoria. It's just... I will be happier and easier if I got male body and genital.

i also had similar experiences except i first wanted a male body then moved on desiring a completely sexless body instead. but you dont need dysphoria to be trans just like the last comment said; i dont have many gender dysphoria yet im not cis; in fact my gender dysphoria is almost nonexistent atp

i have a question; do you always prefer yourself being in same gender relationships bc you heavily implied that in your post. i do have one label in mind which is omnigay. your case sounds like demitrans bc you feel connected to your birth gender when it comes to relationships but your label your choice. you can identify as whatever you see fit; you can simply identify as trans!

i also feel the need to add that transmasc folks can feel happy with their feminine body and it affect their transness. i feel like you might doubt yourself if you chose to research trans and nonbinary identities as the last reply suggested so im here to clear up a widespread misconception abt it. gl discovering yourself

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2 hours ago, mivoei said:

i have a question; do you always prefer yourself being in same gender relationships bc you heavily implied that in your post. i do have one label in mind which is omnigay. your case sounds like demitrans bc you feel connected to your birth gender when it comes to relationships but your label your choice. you can identify as whatever you see fit; you can simply identify as trans!

@mivoeiabout relationship interests, it goes more complicated... I feel romantic towards men and women(idk any queer so I'm not sure do i also feel romance with them), it's like ''i wanna live with them'', or ''we will have joy and share hearts when together'', etc.

when comes to sexual attraction, i prefer man>woman. Sometimes I feel hot about woman, but men will always got me. To be specific, it should be people with penis. I know I am skin-deep and sound like a weirdo obsess with penis, but it end up like that. It embrarassing and quite awful actually. And my brain funtion weirdly towards daydreaming same gender sex stuff in automatically. I can't control it.

pretty hard to explain to anyone, even to my close friend and family.

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hey @Lacerta! welcome to DTL. :) first of all, i wanted to let you know that a huge amount of people in the community are also unsure, questioning, or unlabeled. there's nothing wrong with that! but questioning in itself is a very isolating experience. please know we've all been there and we are here for you. 

secondly, you don't need gender dysphoria to be trans. it's very possible you are under the trans umbrella and you can still like your body. that's normal. from what you said, your experience with gender identity sounds very similar to other trans people.

some questions that you could ask yourself to help with figuring out your identity are: do i feel like a woman/man/something else? do i like being a woman? do i like to appear as a woman to others, or would i prefer to appear male/something else?

some other tips that i can give you: research trans and nonbinary identities. it's quite a common view that the only way to be trans is by being a trans woman or a trans man. but that's not true! there's such a huge amount of trans and nonbinary identities, maybe you'll find something that feels like you? when you can't find a label for how you feel, you can always ask other members here. or just go unlabeled!

i also think it'd be really helpful to experiment with pronouns or names. you can do it online, here for example. sometimes people make posts where others try out their pronouns for them, to see if they fit. or you could ask a trusted friend irl. if that's available, experiment with gender expression irl too (masculine, feminine, androgynous styles). if you want some tips on that, feel free to ask.

i am trans and nonbinary so i am here to answer any questions you might have. have a nice day!

 

@peanutbutterstrugglesThanks for your advice. I come from a place thats is not so friendly to queer and i stay to be a typical female irl, to avoid troubles and i feel acceptable to the situation. but when try to understand myself more, i find out my ''special/strangeness''. It is kind of upset me when think about future potential relationships/love interests. like, how should i do? how to tell my issue? what's the consequences? will i scare them away? But i don't want to hide myself to them if i like them.

when I was young i liked to create male avatar or persona in roleplay/internet gameplay, for the 'manly' outfits(pants) and hairstyles. but no longer doing it cuz some stuff happen, like ''why you play a male role?'', ''oh, so you a trans!'', ''it's confusing and misunderstanding here''. not really facing transphobic but the focusing goes to me, not the game. irl I dress neutral with t shirt and jeans, also with lots of checkered shirts, camouflage stuff and caps. I also wear suits(in pants) in formal sceneario. mainstream society allows woman wear neutral make things goes easier(except school uniforms, in dress).

I am okay with being a female and follow the rules of society. Family give me enough freedom to think and seek what i want, kind of cool enough as they are 60s. but i know they can't help much, they just think like ''i know our daughter will go a special way.'' And i still figuring my way out, hope it's not too late.

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9 hours ago, Lacerta said:

@mivoeiabout relationship interests, it goes more complicated... I feel romantic towards men and women(idk any queer so I'm not sure do i also feel romance with them), it's like ''i wanna live with them'', or ''we will have joy and share hearts when together'', etc.

when comes to sexual attraction, i prefer man>woman. Sometimes I feel hot about woman, but men will always got me. To be specific, it should be people with penis. I know I am skin-deep and sound like a weirdo obsess with penis, but it end up like that. It embrarassing and quite awful actually. And my brain funtion weirdly towards daydreaming same gender sex stuff in automatically. I can't control it.

pretty hard to explain to anyone, even to my close friend and family.

mmm. i really dont know what to help with that. did the majority of your desire to be another gender come from these fantasies? its an experience for some transmasc folks before they realized theyre trans; that they always imagine being in sexual situations with men as a man themselves but thats all i know. i apologize that i cant help you more but bi and bigender (https://www.seventeen.com/life/a39947728/bigender/)  may be the best temporary labels you go for now since you feel both connected to being female and male [under certain circumstances]

Edited by Aurora
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9 hours ago, Lacerta said:

@peanutbutterstrugglesThanks for your advice. I come from a place thats is not so friendly to queer and i stay to be a typical female irl, to avoid troubles and i feel acceptable to the situation. but when try to understand myself more, i find out my ''special/strangeness''. It is kind of upset me when think about future potential relationships/love interests. like, how should i do? how to tell my issue? what's the consequences? will i scare them away? But i don't want to hide myself to them if i like them.

when I was young i liked to create male avatar or persona in roleplay/internet gameplay, for the 'manly' outfits(pants) and hairstyles. but no longer doing it cuz some stuff happen, like ''why you play a male role?'', ''oh, so you a trans!'', ''it's confusing and misunderstanding here''. not really facing transphobic but the focusing goes to me, not the game. irl I dress neutral with t shirt and jeans, also with lots of checkered shirts, camouflage stuff and caps. I also wear suits(in pants) in formal sceneario. mainstream society allows woman wear neutral make things goes easier(except school uniforms, in dress).

I am okay with being a female and follow the rules of society. Family give me enough freedom to think and seek what i want, kind of cool enough as they are 60s. but i know they can't help much, they just think like ''i know our daughter will go a special way.'' And i still figuring my way out, hope it's not too late.

hey, listen, it's never too late to figure yourself out. a lot of people figure themselves out in their 30's, 40's, 50's etc! i'm sorry to hear your environment isn't friendly. :/ please keep your safety in mind, it's your top priority. 

how about looking into some trans support groups in your area, or online? you could make a fake account if you don't want to endanger yourself. i know there are some on facebook. seeing other trans people's experiences could help you understand yours a little better. 

if you can't really dress masculine irl without endangering yourself, maybe try something out at home? there are tutorials online on how to do masculine makeup that highlights your masculine features.

also, you could try out he/him, they/them, or different pronouns, with different combinations here on DTL. that could help to see if they feel 'right'! 

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4 hours ago, Lacerta said:

@mivoei @peanutbutterstrugglesThanks for advice, you guys so nice and help a lot :) I think I need some time to digest these new information. Quite massive for me, especially about the trans part. I guess I discover a side of me and it's still the beginning to investigate.

take your time! discovering your identity is a long proccess. let yourself experiment and make mistakes and just take it slow <3 we are always here for you if you need anything.

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