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Lacerta

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  1. @Monsoon About the bullying in school,my parents stood out for me and try to seek vice principle for concern. But they just, using trash words to misguide you into oblivion. My family afraid I will be treated worse and put this aside, focusing on distract me from misery. This school is my decision to enter, I can only say I kinda have a bad taste.. It feels like my teen life is delayed for 6 years, positive things just start in university. Unlike what peers/ teachers says about university condition, I am happy and got friends with true hearts, while the projects/workload are infernal. Tho sometimes I feel hollow, or a bit lost when knowing post people have bffs on their side when in secondary schools. I know everyone have different past and path, so as difficulties. But whenever I try to rewind previous school life, it's completely blank. While the moment I have chats with friends, those sheds easily come out and become kind of 'topic'. I no longer feel painful about those years, the school show me the rotten side of society and so far I not yet any stuff that is tougher than those years. Society is sometimes ridiculous, as it's ranking keeps falling. I would say it is asking for it. It is a living joke. When you are outsider, you found it's funny. When you are inside and play a role, it's nightmarish tragedy. About the bonding with him, I know that the whole thing is unrealistic and too tough. When it comes to kill this seedling of thought, hard than other tough relationship decisions. I have met two guys confess me during my university years. It is easy to terminate them. One thing is the recovery of the break uptakes much longer than I expects. In the first two years after break up, I still get panic attack whenever I saw something/someone with similar body shape(esp height/facial/head) of my ex. On the other side, those two guy get idea about "I want to pair with them" solely because I like chatting different topics and life experience with them. And the time I spend with them and have meals, I also staying with my friends every time. It makes me wondering are there no opposite gender person treat them well other than family. I only know them for less than a year and less than a week. I can't speak my deep feelings(esp love related) with mouth, I write notes and letters to confess/denial/break up in this aspect. I wanna be a gentleman and cherish/give some personal space to them. I would kneel on one knee and give them a hand kiss. Romance is not codependency we still have own work and life. I am not a mainstream/typical one in society. When my ex always ask me "do you love me?', "why you not stay with me more", with usual sudden disappearance in the middle of talks in text. It feels like I am a failure. I already love him, but he can't feel. Or say, I am dysfunctional in maintaining relationship. I can not satisfied what most partner want to have or definitely not a ideal partner. And then I turn down two people in quite a crucial way, they just disappear since I reject them. Leaving a tail in bonding issue will end up a disaster. Now I seeing good ol internet pal, I don't know. Maybe I feel closer with him than other peers is because there are literally no conflicts/competitions between each other's lives. Maybe I just attached a bit too much, esp things started at my most vulnerable status. I keep trying to be better, yet sometimes I feel like I am a junk that no matter how you do with it, it still a junk. I have ever done bad stuff in social networking. From victim to bully, crucially rip people's hearts. I may fell guilty but never regret. There's no right or wrong in everything. My family is a type that "as long as you are not harming the society, you are fine and just do things you like" I feel like in a mist, a bit lost?
  2. I am already 22(will be 23 this year) and I got too moody and too concerned about someone. I have no idea how to clarify/identify my actual feelings and how to face this, what path should I choose. I have been in dark era of secondary school, being isolated/blamed/psychologically bullied by classmates and teachers and social workers for 6 years. And I have ever become a bully because I want someone more miserable than me, also give pressure to my classmates choose between me and her. Last year before graduation, I met a guy of neighbour class and we started a horrible toxic relationship. We solely harming and disappointing each other in the whole time. Our relationship only lasted a year, I am the one who start and end it. At the same time, university workload, leftover mess of classmates make my mind collapse, which lead to medical treatment for some years. And during my darkest condition, I met him, an online friend. Now I think we are in 5th year in positive communication. We met in private roleplay channel years ago. I am right at my worst time(slightly before secondary school graduation - 1st year of university). He is almost 4 years younger than me and he is quite a mature one(he is 15 at that time). And we moved from solely Rp to Interests and to dailylife topics. I think after we get along for a year, I somehow have sort of feeling to him(crush? idk.) I feel frustrated of this feeling as school and family always teach us not to trust people on Internet. I tried to keep my emotion to him and did researches of how crush and romance work in science. I made a conclusion of hold my feelings for 3 years to see how this feel change... since science data said "crush" can only hold at most 3 years. It is so Hilarious and Ridiculous that I have bold to kill my previous relationship, have no regrets to break uncomfortable friendships. But I am such a coward when come to this "crush". I can't do anything to it. It rooted at a tiny corner of me. Still, I mentioned a bit of my feelings to him on halfway of my plan. And he briefly reply that he didn't want to have any relationship yet. Also, I said I won't start immediately as school workload is too heavy. We made a simple agreement that just let time do it thing, things remain unchanged. If we find someone better then go for it. I know its already years ago and I should not keep that short random chat in mind with putting this in high place. We all grew up and have to face society, have own difficulties. I lived in Asia while he is in South America, timezone of 13 hours make us harder to get time chatting. The frequency of start chats now mostly once in 2-3 months. The positive reinforcement, intermittent...my feelings goes hard to killed or weaken. What a bitter sweet. Everytime I think of him, or talk about him to my family/friends. I feel happy and relax. My life are always fast pace, high tension, high pressure. Maybe because we are completely different in all kinds of aspects. I not exactly sure is this romantic feeling, and do I want romance. I like rewind memories between us. I just want to talk with him. I think more wide, and think more detail. And I feel more unsure. He is still good. The problem is me. Maybe I just being dependent to him, relying him too much for comfort. I(near 00s) have big generation gaps with my parents(60s) and bro(80s). They are supportive but they can't provide accurate help all the time and our mind sets/experience are so different. Even though I did have friends during primary, they all sudden turn away and become strangers toward me after enter secondary,some of them were same school with me. I have so much problem, maybe I don't deserve to hold him and keep the hope of go further? I'm not his best friend or close one, he once told me that. I think most of the conversations are just with majority of my ranting with he provides some advices. We just on Internet, typing and sending GIFs/interesting videos. I am already feel good, relax, and warm. And I am an awful one. I am such a heinous one, everyone can still go forward when facing tougher situations while I, I always need help. No one around me think this is a problem, everyone think I suppose to seek help. They sometimes even think they are glad I go get help. I am futile, I am inept. My lust range goes from male,female, other, animals, robots, alien, myth, idk anymore added in future. On the other hand, I am unable to imagine about any close interactions with romantic interests. So far all “romantic interests� I defined are based on I have imagination about “we may get along well and happy if stay together� and none sexual related feelings. My lust and my love seems separated. I always be a male when in dreams and hangout with other males. I appreciate more if I am a male, but I am fine with born as female. I am outside the mainstream, which is fine. But I don't know what am I. It feels like I am a random space junk floating in space. He is a Christian. I am not sure how wide the acceptance he has, and some if my issue not mentioned to him as it's too much and embarrassing. Obviously I don't fit in traditional ideology. Do I really love someone? Can I do this? Will I just ruin such a good pal and destroy everything? Does it worth to wait, or I should be cold and tell myself to kill this hope? Am I too greedy to want further development? Or I just want to own/occupy/manipulate him in my subconscious? I also hate myself. I am not cool as usual. Romance end up got chance to bother me? I admit that I have a special place for him in my heart for quite a long time. He is one of a few people that not haunt me when I have dreams about reality people. Recently I dreamed of he is dead and I only get messages on media days later and I can do nothing at all. It makes me unable to ignored this emotion knot, and mess with my mind at least a week. Romance is tough and I never feel enjoyment from it. It's stressful. But. It is so hard to deny my feelings to him. Really, dang it. So far I receive no hint about he has any romantic stuff. Parents doesn't know my enhanced feeling on him, only know he is my online friend. they once advice me about "do more waiting and more passive when comes to relationship." I don't know I want to/ ready for accept changes of relationship and feelings. But it seems not a matter. He is not interested in me like I do. I supposed to pick a way fast, now I stuck and screw. Keeps back and forth like an idiot. I can't believe now I become one of those dumb comic romantic routine. He is ..important. I can not lost him or turn him down or ruin what I cherish. At least I want to remain friends, but reality always reveals that break-up couples is rare to continue be friends, so do I. It seems I fall into the situation of "give up the whole forest for one tree". 3 years of maximum crush limit and reached. The feelings does change. And I feel frustration. I went mature a lot, didn't I? I am gross?
  3. I want to seek some advice, no matter scientific or personal experience. Sigh, it is quite a long story. I am a female weirdo study in university. I was bullied by my secondary school classmates(isolation and look pity on ppl who have to contact with me) for 6 years. I have huge dislike in social stereotyping, especial in gender aspect. Although I accept myself as female, I prefer be a male if I can choose my gender. I often see myself as male in dreams and my ideal self inside my heart is also a male(I don't tell my family clearly about this). In sexual aspect, male mostly attract my attention. But in emotional and romance aspect, I am very unsure. Basically I don't give care on ppl's gender or sexuality. Everyone is just, a human, the same thing. I have ever dated with a secondary school schoolmate(male) for a year. We only have hugs and holding hands, no kisses and other thing(kiss is a very awful thing for me). He is an ideal boyfriend in many ppl's standard, however he is not match with me. We ended up have trauma to each other(I am the one to start also the one who end) and i got early psychosis. This mental illness is now under control by medicine and things go better. When I am at the bottom and worst situation in the relationship, I met my web friend(male, 3 years young than me). We are both fans in webcomic and we have lots of fun in roleplaying. This provide me some relaxation and happiness in such stressful sadness. He is my one true friend of me outside university. After stay frequent contact for over a year, I found out I have crush on him. And I reveal my heart to him. We end up agreeing continue being friends as both of us not wanting to start romantic relationship, and we can start the romance with other ppl if we found someone that is better than each other. And time past very fast. I read some scientific researches said that the "crush" feeling can only last atmost 3 years. I always think we will get along well if we live together. But I don't understand whether it is just I feel lonely because of my 6 hell-like years, or I really want a love partner. I have two best friends(also university classmates) and I call them sf and sp(both are female). It is quite often that I have thoughts about holding hands with my closest female friend(either sf or sp) long before. I am very slow heat and holding hands already a great move for me(also enough to satisfy me). And days before, I went watch movie with them. I look at sp and I just have a thought hits me. "If I live with her, we may have a long term lovely time." I have a thought about chase her. My brain keep pop up a lot of "what if" and "pros and cons about her". I feel stress and frustration about this sexuality/romantic orientation bomb and whether I am betraying my web friend or not. I only mention my crush on sp (but never talk about crush on webfriend since my parents never trust internet relationship) to my parents. Their response is "we can't help you this time. you have to think it yourself." My parents is quite supportive to most of my things and they seems look okay to my unclear sexuality thing. But I just feel lots of stress and this sucks up my energy for days. Everything is mangled. I don't know how to face my new self-exploration(I know I have to accept it), how to face the society, how to classified my sexuality and romantic orientation, am I a bad/awful guy in relationship things, why I just somehow only destroy things. Stress, fear, confusion, hate to myself, nervous,etc... keep hitting me like tsunami waves. I apologize for my long passage and horrible grammar. I want to seek some advice and want to find someone to talk. Thank you for reading my issue.
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