homophobic family

[dark61]

Hello there im 14 years old and I'm gay

i realized it when i was 10 . i wanted to come out to my family but im from homophobic family they hate lgbt people so much. i tried suicide 4 times but nothing happened, and 1 month ago i come out to my best friend but now she is trying to avoid me. i dont know what to do i dont have any chance that everything will be alright if i will come out to my family.

[Monsoon]

Hey DARK61,

 

Thanks for coming to us for advice, you are not alone in this and we are here for you.

 

Sorry to hear what you've gone through. How are you feeling?

 

With homophobic families, these views are often passed down through generations, upbringing, and religion. Due to this, they may not be how the person actually feels, they may just be acting in a way that's normal in their situation. Here is an article to help with this:

 

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/my-parents-didnt-react-well-to-me-coming-out/

 

If you do decide to come out to them, it's important to be patient as they may react badly at first. Often, time is needed to help them come to terms with the news which often results in a good outcome. It could be useful for you to organise to stay with some family/friends if you do decide to come out and it goes wrong. Is there anyone you could ask?

 

With your friend, sorry to hear about that. A couple of my friends were a bit weird with me when I first came out, and it was because they didn't know what to say. It made them feel awkward, but they still wanted to talk to me. Have you tried speaking to her about it? This could make the situation clearer for you.

 

You may find these articles useful too;

 

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/top-11-tips-for-coming-out-as-lesbian-gay-or-bi/

 

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/coming-out-homophobic-parents/

 

Also, can I ask if you are currently feeling suicidal? If so, do you have any current plans to kill yourself? If you need immediate help, Samaritans are really helpful, and we are here too.

 

https://www.samaritans.org

 

You are so strong for dealing with this. Sending positive vibes -Monsoon.

[dark61]

thank you for that reply

for now i dont have any plan about suicide

and there is noone for ask help because almost all who i know ar homophobic and i dont think thay they can get my orientation

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

 

Thanks for getting back to me. I am glad you do not have any plans for suicide, but if you feel these thoughts creeping back into your mind, please know that there is plenty of support available. There is a link to these support networks at the bottom.

 

It may be a good idea to wait until you're independent from your family before you come out to them. That is if you could wait that long. If you do decide to wait, it's important to build up a support network of like-minded people who are accepting. Just talking to them about what you are going through will probably improve any stress/anxiety you may be feeling.

 

On the other hand, if you can't wait that long, then there are some things you can do to prepare for dealing with homophobic parents;

 

1) Have patience

2) Ask questions to see why they hold these views - this can help to deconstruct homophobia as these views are often just the normal way to think

3) Give your parents a different viewpoint by telling them how it feels being surrounded by homophobic people when you are LGBTQ+

4) Don't give up on your parents - even though they may always remain homophobic, their views may become softer over time and become more accepting

 

With you saying that you'e tried suicide four times, I was wondering if you have ever had help from a therapist? They could help you work through any potential problem which may be driving you to such actions.

 

Please let me know if this is useful. We are here for you and can figure out new ways if not.

 

Keep going

 

-Monsoon

 

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/community/topic/if-youre-feeling-suicidal-read-this/

 

[dark61]

ohh you know nothing about my parents if i will them that im gay

im 100% sure that they will throw me outside and country where im from

is very dangerous place for gay people they can kill you without thinking what are they doing they hate us and i dont know what i will do im trying to work hard in school for get graduated but i think i will stuck in middle school ( i dont know how it works in usa or europe in my country there is 12 class and not middle or high school now im in 9class )

[Monsoon]

Thanks for getting back to me.

 

I'm so sorry to hear that's what it's like where you live - where is that? Your safety is the number one priority, and we don't want you to put yourself in danger. The best thing to do is to focus on your school work as you said so that you get good grades and get out of that environment! What makes you think you will suck? Try to have more confidence in yourself - I struggle with this too.

 

Is your friend still being weird with you?

 

-Monsoon

[dark61]

first sorry for my broken english im still trying to learn it good for now i need to learn grammar.

country where im from call Georgia here is wiki

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Georgia_(country)

maybe she is getting that im gay i dont know she messaged me one week ago

 

[Monsoon]

Ahhh, okay.

 

What did she message you saying? As I said, some people just need time to process the info and I hope she comes around to you being gay.

 

-Monsoon

[dark61]

i hope that she will get it but im worry about coming out i cant hide it anymore im tired i dont know what to do

[Monsoon]

I know how you feel about not wanting to hide it anyone, it's stressful. However, you are being yourself here and you've already told your friend, so they are great steps. You can always be who you are here, and it could be useful for you to join some other communities for people in your situation. Here are some:

 

The Russian LGBT Network Hotline:

 

Call: 8-800-555-08-68

E: hotline@lgbtnet.org

 

Children-404. LGBT teenagers

 

https://vk.com/deti404_vk

 

Open Space

 

https://www.facebook.com/spbopenspaceeng/

 

RUSA LGBT

 

https://rusalgbt.com

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

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.

.

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These communities may really help you. There are lots of people who are going through the same thing, so it may be good to hear their stories too.

 

Most importantly, we don't want you to put yourself in danger by coming out to your family or anyone that might tell others without your permission. With your studies, would there be any opportunities to study abroad? This could act as your gateway to leaving as soon as possible.

 

We think that it's a good idea to use safe browsing and to clear your search history on your devices etc. This will reduce the chances of you being found out.

 

Finally, please take note of this number if you ever feel like it's getting too much for you:

 

Samaritans (Cherepovets)

54, Stalevarov str.

162600

CHEREPOVETS

Hotline: 007 (8202) 577-577

 

It won't always be like this, and things will get better. It's just about doing what's right for your future and taking active steps to get yourself out of the situation. We hope you find this advice useful. Please keep going - we know that it's tough, but it will be okay in the end.

 

Sending positive vibes

[dark61]

thank you for helping me but i dont know if it helps me because these groups are in other countries and i dont know but thanks for help

[Monsoon]

Hey Dark,

 

We tried to find groups in Georgia but we really struggled. Have you tried them yet? I hope they work for you.

 

Also, how are you feeling today?

 

-Monsoon

[dark61]

i dont know where is group i tried to search but nothing

feeling same like always

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

 

Sorry to hear you're feeling down again. I'm wondering, you could try (if you haven't already) to improve your mood/way you're feeling. Here are some links to great articles to help with this:

 

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/25-ways-practice-self-care/

 

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/top-10-tips-of-overcoming-low-self-esteem/

 

It's so important to work on yourself when you're feeling low and doing things to help make you feel better, and hopefully the articles above will help with that. Going back to when you said you tried suicide, i'm wondering, do your family know? Also, therapy can be really useful to help people work through suicidal thoughts and low self-esteem - not sure if you've considered it or had any previously.

 

With your situation, there are lots out there just like you who are going through the same thing. I can't even begin to imagine what it must feel like. However, you're doing so well and we urge you to keep on going; you are strong and can get through this. Here are some stories from people around the world going through a similar kind of thing:

 

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/lgbt-world-voices-gay-in-malaysia/

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/lgbt-world-voices-gay-in-kenya/

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/jason-frazer-gorwing-up-south-africa/

 

I hope you find this helpful. If not, we can figure something else out.

 

Keep going, and remember that you are not alone

 

-Monsoon

[dark61]

they dont know about my suicide ideas.

i tried to work about it at my self with this ways but nothing

there is only one thing wich is helping me to be more healthy

i bought parrot and its make fell that there is something for be alive

but i dont know what will happen in future maybe you are with me

but it is only online i dont know who are you, are you real or something

like that. i can't be in online always i need real someone (not bf i dont care it now) i need real friend for talk, fun and other. ah i dont know...

[dark61]

sorry if i said something bad

[dark61]

i knew that everything will be done like this

[Monsoon]

Hi Dark,

 

Thanks for getting back to me. You have not said anything wrong, please don't worry about that. We are always here to help you through this.

 

We have managed to find a couple more resources for you to try out:

 

"AZAD LGBT" (Azerbaijan): http://www.azadaz.org/contact website can be translated into English if easier. It might be worth him reaching out to see if they can recommend any even closer places of support as I suspect a lot of them are fairly hidden.

 

"PINK ARMENIA" http://www.pinkarmenia.org/en/ They provide various services including counseling and may also be able to recommend hidden services in Georgia. Website can be translated into English.

 

We are aware that there is a lack of resources available in Georgia, but please see if these work and get back to us. We will try to find more in the mean time.

 

With the parrot, I'm glad that you have managed to find something to help you. As I said earlier too, we will be here in the future so you won't be alone .

 

With the self help strategies, they often don't work at first but you just have to keep on going with them. Maybe you could try them for a bit longer - it tends to work for me.

 

In the mean time, we think it would be a good idea for you to engage with some of the members here. You could talk to them about your story and even make friends. This is likely to help you feel a bit better

 

Keep going - you are so strong and can get through this.

 

- Monsoon

 

P.S. what did you mean when you said you knew everything will be done like this?

[dark61]

okey dont mind what i said

Azerbaijan and Armenia is to far away from me? okey you can stop searching that groups because I know that none of them cant help me.

i dont know what to say yesterday i tried to search place where i can come and find new family but it was very stupidly try because this is impossible here and i sont know why i do that sometimes i fell that im getting crazy biting my fingers and very fast reactions idk?

[dark61]

also yesterday i went out for haircut and i almost meet my haircutter when he start talking i fell that he is very good person and i cant trust he next time i have plan to meet he for know who is he i dont know why but i fell that i can trust he. thats really strange felling but maybe this is very stupidly plan. why will he want to meet me ohh im crazy

[dark61]

oops there was wronf text when you will read i cant trust it means i can trust ?? mistake

[Monsoon]

Hey Dark,

 

Thanks for replying to me. With the groups we have suggested, I don't think you have to actually be in the country to get help. Maybe try joining - it's more to get advice on your situation and hear stories about others who are going through the same stuff as you. If you do try, let me know if you get any useful advice - it would definitely be worth it

 

I'm glad you've met someone you feel you can trust. Do you think you could be friends with this person? I really hope you can as I think it will do you lots of good to have someone you can rely on and trust.

 

Also, have you heard anything from your friend who you came out to?

 

Hope you're alright. Keep going - you're strong and can get through this!

 

-Monsoon

[dark61]

i think we can be friends but he is maybe 25-30-35 years old i dont knoe and im 14 i dont know if we can be friends but when i want to ask he whats your name or tell me about you i fell that o cant talk im not strong enough to ask he and i see he only two times i dont know what will happens but i will try .

everything is alright about my friend she understand and we are trying to dont talk about that

[Monsoon]

I get what you mean about the age. It's not common for someone your age to be friends with someone of that age. Have they said why they want to meet you? I would take extra caution with this to make sure you are safe. Do you know this person well enough to trust them? Also, where do they want to meet you? We wouldn't want you to put yourself in a vulnerable position.

 

I was originally under the impression that you were older than 14, but I forgot that you mentioned it in your first message.

 

-Monsoon

[dark61]

i saw he in place where he is working

first time when i saw he he asked me how i was and how my holidays was going

second time when i went to haircut he was painting and he asked me-let me finish that please- and when he started haircut he asked what im thinking about my future and there was my stupidly question is painting your hobby? that was my first question and he started talking about his second profession and when he done haiecuting i give he money and i dont know how to say this maybe we had handshake and he said bye see you next time that it and now i feel like i can trust he if i will meet