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I opened up to a co-worker about what I am going through and I'm Scared !!


deanlover88    

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I was a bit overwhelmed today and one of my co-workers was talking to me one topic to another we ended up talking about feelings, I told her about my Anxiety and Depression she looked at me and she told me "Don't say that, that's all in your head" and I explained my point of view to her, she seemed like she was interested and understood. In my culture people don't get it, Mental health is a huge issue here it's a stigma, a taboo topic to talk about or discuss.

I told her everything, I don't even know why I told her, why I even opened up to her, I just did. I'm scared because if she tells anyone I might get let go from where I work. I work at a hospital the people here are not to be trusted ( the place has a very very very toxic environment) and they hold everything against people, like I have said mental health is a taboo topic where I live and the cherry on top is I am in a hospital. I'm anxious, I just recovered from a panic attack, I'm tired physically, mentally and emotionally.

 

Sorry for the long rant but I just need to get this out of my system and hopefully find comfort.

 

People here are messed up in the head, one staff walked up to me and told me in a weird tone of voice that scared me that He envied me for losing weight, Side Note: I told them that I am on a diet but I'm not, I'm not eating. It's because I'm starving myself or anything, I just simply don't feel hungry ( to them it's a good thing btw because I'm slightly over weight) so not eating is good in my culture, I'm telling you it's messed up because almost 80% of the population shares this messed up mentality of depression is sad and you have everything life has to offer you while others have it way worse so why be sad OR you're just crazy and you need to check in into the mental health hospital.

 

 

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Hey Reem!

 

Thanks for sharing!

 

So, just to make sure-- your bosses would fire you if they knew about your depression/anxieties? But if you do get fired-- is it the worst thing? You mention how toxic of an environment it is. Is there a worksplace you could be in that would be more supportive of your mental wellness?

 

I think that what you learned through this experience is that there are better places to express your pain. I'm hoping this can be a good place for you to come and get support.

 

But I really want to make sure you're taking care of yourself! You mentioned looking at self-harm alternatives and not eating. If you're not taking care of your basic needs, then you won't have the strength to overcome depressive and anxiety fueled thoughts. You may not feel hungry, but giving your body nutrients is crucial. I'm glad you see that that "not eating" is not healthy, unlike what your culture says.

 

Looking forward to getting to know you, more!

 

-willow

 

What kind of things cause your anxiety?

 

Does your family/friends have similar thoughts around mental health?

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Hello Willow!

 

My bosses are ignorant and they might just fire me, I don't know even though I work in a hospital crazy things have happened that would make me think that it would happen, I am somewhere in the Middle East the mentality here "ooh I am a man I can do anything and you a woman can't and will never'' so they fired a girl because she was ''caught'' smoking.

When I had a panic attack once ( my mistake of not being able to control it or hide it) they told me I shouldn't be weak minded and willed. The rest of my breakdowns have happened in the restrooms or the prayer room. One once told me it's because my faith in God was weak and even none existent ( which is not true).

 

Getting fired might help me but I need a job, my mum can barely keep up with the spending and I have to help her because she's my everything, I need and have to help out she's struggle a lot, her husband isn't paying or is barely paying and my dad can't help because his wife doesn't let him too. Yes the environment is toxic but we have no jobs currently in my country. I know there is somewhere out there that's better or I hope I do because the mentality here about mental health is so messed up.

 

I am trying, I really am and it's draining me just fight this everything single day it draining, I have to fake and put on a happy face to the point where people are telling me aren't sick of being happy all the time or how are you always smiling and happy. I am being envied for being "happy'' and making people laugh and smiles, I'm also envied for losing weight, I'm not doing this on purpose, I want to eat I just don't feel hungry and when I do eat I can't eat what I want because it upsets my stomach, I do force myself to eat sometimes because I know it's not right nor is it health.

 

Honestly I don't know what triggers my anxiety, it happens out of the blue or when I have to worry about pending work, having to disappointing people, not being good enough, why aren't I like others that don't have to worry about silly things that can suddenly open a door I never knew was there.

 

Yes, my family share the same mentality not my sisters ( they have social anxiety) but I can't talk about it with them because I need to be strong for them when they are down and need me. I can't afford of break or have a mental breakdown because my mother needs me and so do my sisters if I reach that point and lose all sense of it all who will they have I have to be there for them and be that hand to help them. My friends only some (4) don't share the messed up mentality but I can't rely on them to help me, last time I vented to a person a friendship of 8 years ended because she thought her events were more sever (she thinks depression is just sadness and crying which I keep telling her that it's not just that) and my ''struggle of getting out of bed is not as sever''

 

Sorry this is so Long and I know I'm not helping by adding this but thank you for letting me vent.

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Hey Reem,

 

Thank you, thank you, for sharing. I'm so glad you have this place to be able to clear your head. Long messages are great!

 

It seems like you have so much on your shoulders! I have felt, and still struggle with, worrying about disappointing someone, or burdening someone with my pain. So many people feel this way... But the thing is-- if we aren't taking care of our wellness, then we are not good for anyone else!

 

The sacrifices you're making... are they more important than your wellness? Even your friends are not equipped to help you work through everything on your shoulders. Is there any way you could get a counselor?

 

When you smile, who are you doing it for? Is it for the people who envy you for it? What are you trying to prove by being 'happy' all the time? I understand being strong for your sisters and mom... but do you take time to do things that bring you joy?

 

The thing I'm worried about is how all of these things are going to continue to build up and weigh on you-- and in the near future you might be unable to see past the pain.

 

Your stomach getting hurt every time you eat is another indicator that you're holding a lot of responsibilities that aren't yours. Is there a way you can release some of the responsibilities you put on yourself?

 

Thank you for being strong, in the way that you have... but know, it's incredibly strong to know how to take care of yourself, fully. Choosing you, first, will bring you so much peace. It's hard... but necessary for happiness.

 

 

-willow

 

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Hey Willow,

 

Thank you, for your kind words really thank you !!

 

It is a lot, I know it a lot and some of it maybe not even be necessary or should'n't even be a great deal but ,y messed up of brain makes it a big deal. I know I won't be useful if I don't take care of myself but I can't seem to let it go and it scars me, it really does.

 

For me now, it is, it is more important because other than the fact that I need to help provide with my mum, it's distracting me, it has become my gateway, my escape. I had three counselors two only gave me pills and when I complained about what they were making feel and the side effect the doubled my doses and the third one walked out on me, she was never answered my texts, calls and she just left me, I felt abandoned, unwanted, hated and a burden.

 

I smile for myself and also for the people around me, because I work in a toxic environment most of the people I work with feel down and under appreciated, I know how that feels like and that feeling sucks so I try to make them smile, laugh and simply make them feel a bit better and make this place more tolerable. I'm close with a small group of people but not to the point that I will share everything with them, I'm not trying to prove anything, I really don't, I just want to cover up what I'm feeling, faking being happy for 10hrs distracts me from feeling worthless, stupid, useless, under appreciated and a burden so that's why I fake it, I get to be someone else for a few hours and not have to get sucked into the loop hole of the thing called my brain. I don't find joy in the things I love doing anymore, I love reading, drawing and crafting but I don't enjoy it anymore all I want to do in stay in bed and NEVER LEAVE.

 

What scares me is that I think I might have already reached that point and I don't know that I have, I'm at some points scaring myself with what I may do, so I'm reaching out to a few and to this site.

 

I don't know I really don't know

 

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Heya Reem,

 

Oh my goodness.. I'm so so sorry to hear about the professionals who didn't do much to help you, in the past. I can totally imagine why you'd feel abandoned.

 

I want to let you know that you are an incredible being.

 

Sure, maybe there are some things to work on, emotionally, and for you mental wellness-- but you are a good person, and are doing the best you can.

 

When you're ready, it'll be the time to figure out how to find peace and happiness within yourself, alone. But I understand how it keeps you going to be happy for others.

 

Part of me wonders, since you're spending so much of your day being happy for everyone else that when you are on your own, you just need to relax. You might not have energy to do anything 'fun.' I find that when I'm spending a lot of energy on others, then I don't have time to do the things that cause me joy.

 

Here's an article on ways to help you fully relax-- it adds a bit of variety in your life, too!

 

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/101-ultimate-ways-chill-reduce-stress/

 

Is there any way you could incorporate reading, drawing, and crafts into your workplace? Like, maybe, organizing a crafting activity for patients in the hospital? That way you can get some benefit out of it, too?

 

Thank you for reaching out. I know this is important to you. And just even in reaching out, I can tell that you're a really strong and self-aware person.

 

 

-willow

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Hey Willlow,

 

Thank you !

 

That means so much that you are saying this, all I have even been told is that I am worthless, useless and all the nasty things.

 

I do! I feel so tired that I barely the strength to do anything after that.

 

I don't deal with patients directly, I work 3 job titles inventory control, Asset control and Purchasing officer (Admin office) so I can't really incorporate my hobbies in my work

 

 

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Hiya Reem,

 

Oh yeah, it sounds like a tired office! Everyone dislikes what they're doing, so they can't find any joy.

 

I have been asked, too, why I "smile all the time." Sure, there's an element of me protecting my feelings by having a happy face... but like you said, it's also for other people! One day, I decided to try not smiling, and right away a person I barely knew came up to me to ask what was wrong. I told him that I was giving 'no smiling' a try because people always ask why I smile when there's so much pain in the world. He told me to never stop smiling... because when I smile, it's contagious, and it brightens his day. So I keep smiling-- for myself and those that appreciate/need it.

 

The thing is-- if people took some time to know you, they would see how caring and courageous you are. You are a hard worker... and not just in work!

 

-willow

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Hi Willow,,

 

It kinda is, it's a new hospital and they in their words they want to utilizes what they have. People are forced because finding a job here is hard right now so we have to bare with what we have until the economy improves.

 

I did the same thing !! and I was told why the long face, I upright told them to pick a side (not angry in a playful tone) "'when I'm Smiling you don't like it and when I'm not smiling you don 't like it''. They didn't say anything, they laughed it off and walked away. A few doctors told me to please keep smiling because it reminds others to smile. It's one of the reasons why I smile because by a smile act I am able to make someone feel a bit better and that's totally worth it, I try to joke around and laugh because people need know that in a toxic place like this there is still something that's good no matter how small.

 

Thank you for your kind words really, you're making me feel better about myself and that I'm as bad as people paint me to be, plus all my life I've been told that I was worthless, stupid, useless and all those awful things but when I opened up it feel completely different, Thank you for letting me vent, I'm still struggling but with my current state I need to take it one step at a time.

 

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Hiya Reem,

 

I can imagine there's a lot of stress around wanting jobs in the hospital, and then the worries about keeping the jobs.

 

Isn't it so interesting to witness people's reactions'! I definitely prefer to maintain a happy demeanor for others... and do what I can to make it as genuine as possible, by taking care of myself.

 

Feel free to continue to vent. I know you're working through a lot... just know you're not alone!

 

 

-willow

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