How should I approach this?

[Marv]

Not quite sure how to deal with this one...

Someone I work with, she's so lovely and caring and has helped me out a lot, said some crappy things yesterday. We were having a conversation about a campaign I'm attempting to run and she said, 'you're probably not going to like what I'm going to say because you're trans but being trans is very much a trend at the moment. You know, it was SH when I was younger, then teenage pregnancies, now it's being trans'. I sat there in silence and nodded along because I could feel the anger bubbling inside me. Once I left, I broke down and it wasn't pretty. I actually learnt that I care way more than I thought about trans issues, I didn't realise it went that deep and I felt it that intensely. I got incredibly angry, almost uncontrollably so, and extremely upset. I hid in a room with two friends who calmed me down. It's always the people you trust and really like that say the crappy things. I don't understand how she could say that, she's struggled with her fair share of things when she was younger and if I told her the things she experienced were just trends, she'd feel awful too. I'm at work now and she's just come in and said good morning to me and that I looked like I needed a hug. We hugged and I really don't know how to feel. It very much isn't a trend, none of the other things she listed are/were trends either. They're serious issues that impact people's lives. Even she meant that it's a trend in the media/on social media at the moment, that it's talked about a lot, doesn't mean it isn't important or real. I have Tourette's and that's been talked about a lot in the media/on social media recently, but that isn't a trend, it's a medical condition. I really don't know what to do. It'd kill her to know she upset me that much, but it already feels awkward to bring up because I've been so nice to her this morning and hugged her. I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell her, I'm not confident in doing so at all. And the manager I usually tell things to has COVID and isn't at work at the moment. I'm not sure if I want to tell her really, but it's meant that I don't want to be at work today and I love my job. I booked a half day today just so I don't have to be in the building with her... 

[peanutbutterstruggles]

first of all, i'm sorry you had to go through that. i totally understand why you're so upset and i think that's completely justified. i'm trans too and i would probably react the same way in this situation.

considering how you got so stressed you were unable to go to work, and how through your words it seems like you care a lot about this person: i think you should tell her. i know it's hard, i also handle confrontations really badly, but you deserve to be respected. if it hurt you so much, you deserve to bring it up and expect an apology or explanation. besides, if she hears you out, and you manage to explain to her the issue with the transphobic statement, you'll know she's an alright person, who listens to others and didn't mean to hurt you. if there's no way to get through to her or even have a conversation about her views, you'll know she's probably not a good friend... 

sometimes people who are otherwise very good and sweet to us, end up saying things that hurt us. she could have said it because she's uneducated on trans issues, and from her point of view what she thinks makes sense. sometimes upon explaining the situation further, people can change their minds. a lot of cis people don't actually see the whole picture when it comes to being trans, and end up having ignorant views. but that doesn't have to mean they are transphobic at heart - maybe if you explain the reality surrounding trans people she'd realize she was wrong? i think it is definitely worth a try. especially considering that she seems to matter a lot to you.

i think avoiding the subject will not fix things. you said you were uncomfortable around her, and if she keeps giving you hugs and acting friendly, the feeling won't go away. she will probably be confused as to why you're avoiding her, too. 

[Luie]

8 hours ago, Marv said:

Not quite sure how to deal with this one...

Someone I work with, she's so lovely and caring and has helped me out a lot, said some crappy things yesterday. We were having a conversation about a campaign I'm attempting to run and she said, 'you're probably not going to like what I'm going to say because you're trans but being trans is very much a trend at the moment. You know, it was SH when I was younger, then teenage pregnancies, now it's being trans'. I sat there in silence and nodded along because I could feel the anger bubbling inside me. Once I left, I broke down and it wasn't pretty. I actually learnt that I care way more than I thought about trans issues, I didn't realise it went that deep and I felt it that intensely. I got incredibly angry, almost uncontrollably so, and extremely upset. I hid in a room with two friends who calmed me down. It's always the people you trust and really like that say the crappy things. I don't understand how she could say that, she's struggled with her fair share of things when she was younger and if I told her the things she experienced were just trends, she'd feel awful too. I'm at work now and she's just come in and said good morning to me and that I looked like I needed a hug. We hugged and I really don't know how to feel. It very much isn't a trend, none of the other things she listed are/were trends either. They're serious issues that impact people's lives. Even she meant that it's a trend in the media/on social media at the moment, that it's talked about a lot, doesn't mean it isn't important or real. I have Tourette's and that's been talked about a lot in the media/on social media recently, but that isn't a trend, it's a medical condition. I really don't know what to do. It'd kill her to know she upset me that much, but it already feels awkward to bring up because I've been so nice to her this morning and hugged her. I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell her, I'm not confident in doing so at all. And the manager I usually tell things to has COVID and isn't at work at the moment. I'm not sure if I want to tell her really, but it's meant that I don't want to be at work today and I love my job. I booked a half day today just so I don't have to be in the building with her... 

Heyy @Marv, I am Luie, one of the support mentors with Ditch the Label. 

I am sorry that someone you cared about at work would say something this hurtful to you especially knowing that you identify as trans yourself. @peanutbutterstruggles has made such valid points - thank you for that. I'd just like to add a few things and check in with you mostly. You feeling angry, frustrated and upset makes complete sense. From what you've shared it sounds to me like this is an important issue to you and you don't want this to fester inside. Would you at some point like to speak with this colleague one to one in a safe space to discuss what happened or would you like to let this be? (Either options are okay depending on your current emotional state and needs so please don't feel any pressure). If you do choose the first option, I do understand you said you do not know how to bring it up and talk about it, I'd be more than happy to help draft something with you and perhaps help you practice that conversation before hand, how does it sound to you?

And lastly, being trans is not a trend and that was a completely wrong thing for your colleague to say to you. I admire you for being woke and sharing your truth on the community. Kudos to you. 

[Marv]

On 12/13/2022 at 2:08 PM, peanutbutterstruggles said:

first of all, i'm sorry you had to go through that. i totally understand why you're so upset and i think that's completely justified. i'm trans too and i would probably react the same way in this situation.

considering how you got so stressed you were unable to go to work, and how through your words it seems like you care a lot about this person: i think you should tell her. i know it's hard, i also handle confrontations really badly, but you deserve to be respected. if it hurt you so much, you deserve to bring it up and expect an apology or explanation. besides, if she hears you out, and you manage to explain to her the issue with the transphobic statement, you'll know she's an alright person, who listens to others and didn't mean to hurt you. if there's no way to get through to her or even have a conversation about her views, you'll know she's probably not a good friend... 

sometimes people who are otherwise very good and sweet to us, end up saying things that hurt us. she could have said it because she's uneducated on trans issues, and from her point of view what she thinks makes sense. sometimes upon explaining the situation further, people can change their minds. a lot of cis people don't actually see the whole picture when it comes to being trans, and end up having ignorant views. but that doesn't have to mean they are transphobic at heart - maybe if you explain the reality surrounding trans people she'd realize she was wrong? i think it is definitely worth a try. especially considering that she seems to matter a lot to you.

i think avoiding the subject will not fix things. you said you were uncomfortable around her, and if she keeps giving you hugs and acting friendly, the feeling won't go away. she will probably be confused as to why you're avoiding her, too. 

Thank you for your reply it was really helpful. I've ben on Christmas break so I haven't seen her. Got into work today and she gave me a hug haha. I think you're absolutely right, and I'd really like to tell someone. I'm just not sure when or who or how. I think I need to sit with it for a bit longer and decide but I also know that that's not going to help, but I'm not sure if I have it in me yet to say anything

[Marv]

On 12/13/2022 at 6:14 PM, Luie said:

Heyy @Marv, I am Luie, one of the support mentors with Ditch the Label. 

I am sorry that someone you cared about at work would say something this hurtful to you especially knowing that you identify as trans yourself. @peanutbutterstruggles has made such valid points - thank you for that. I'd just like to add a few things and check in with you mostly. You feeling angry, frustrated and upset makes complete sense. From what you've shared it sounds to me like this is an important issue to you and you don't want this to fester inside. Would you at some point like to speak with this colleague one to one in a safe space to discuss what happened or would you like to let this be? (Either options are okay depending on your current emotional state and needs so please don't feel any pressure). If you do choose the first option, I do understand you said you do not know how to bring it up and talk about it, I'd be more than happy to help draft something with you and perhaps help you practice that conversation before hand, how does it sound to you?

And lastly, being trans is not a trend and that was a completely wrong thing for your colleague to say to you. I admire you for being woke and sharing your truth on the community. Kudos to you. 

Hi Luie, 

Thank you for your reply :) I've been on Christmas break which is why I haven't replied. I got into work today and she greeted me with a hug, of course and I think I still felt a bit uncomfortable. As I've said to @peanutbutterstrugglesabove, I'd still like to say something, because I don't want her saying that to a student (we work at a university). I highly highly highly doubt she would, but even anything remotely similar would be awful for a student to hear. I just don't know how or when or who to tell. I don't know when the right time would be either... 

[Luie]

11 hours ago, Marv said:

Hi Luie, 

Thank you for your reply :) I've been on Christmas break which is why I haven't replied. I got into work today and she greeted me with a hug, of course and I think I still felt a bit uncomfortable. As I've said to @peanutbutterstrugglesabove, I'd still like to say something, because I don't want her saying that to a student (we work at a university). I highly highly highly doubt she would, but even anything remotely similar would be awful for a student to hear. I just don't know how or when or who to tell. I don't know when the right time would be either... 

Heyy @Marv, Glad you got back to me, I did think you might've been on a break, How did your break go and how are you doing? Btw, a very happy new year to you 

I do agree with you that saying anything along those lines will surely offend a student and be hurtful in the long run for the general population as well. I support your decision if you'd like to speak to them.  Before I make suggestions on what to say, I want to check whether you are planning to speak to them face to face or send them a personal message (or some other form of communication)? We can then discuss the kind of message and tonality to use for this. How does this sound?