How can I support a colleague with anxiety resulting from bullying in theIr past

[plantlover]

Hi, a colleague has confided in me that they are suffering from anxiety as a result of bullying in the past. I am their line manager and would like to support them as much as possible but I am concerned that I will cause them further worry. They are about to begin counselling so I hope this will help them. Can you direct me to where I can get advice as to how I can best support them?

I am seeking help so I can support them in their suffering from the long term effects of repeated bullying.

Thank you

[Willow]

Hi there Plantlover!

 

Thank you so much for bringing this to Community-- it's so important to try to help those around us who have experienced bullying. I'm really thankful you've reached out with concern about your colleague.

 

It's incredible that you want to support them in work-- that shows great compassion and interest in them being the best workers they can be, in a healthy and understanding environment.

 

How much of their situation do you know? Do you know what they have done in the past to overcome the effects of the bullying they've endured?

 

I think, firstly, is letting them know that you care about their health. It's great that they are going to counseling-- it's a long road to recovering, but I'm glad they're ready to put in the work.

 

Being a person they can come to, when they're having a hard time, is a priceless support. Just listening is huge. Asking them what helps them have a successful work day, then collaborating on how to be the most effective at work might help them feel supported.

 

I have a couple resources below on overcoming the effects of bullying. You can suggest these to your colleague, or maybe direct them to this site?

 

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/top-10-tips-for-overcoming-bullying/

 

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/top-tips-for-re-building-your-self-esteem-after-bullying/

 

I can tell you're worried about causing them more worry. My suggestion is to not be afraid of making things worse. Be considerate and compassionate, but trying to 'prevent' them from worrying is not helping them, or yourself, or the company in the long run.

 

Hope these thoughts are helpful!

 

 

-willow

[plantlover]

Thank you for your useful suggestions. Apart from their partner I am the only one they have had the courage to confide in. I know few details other than it is previous work place bullying and from extended family. I have told them I am always available to listen and if I can offer any practical help I will - I encouraged counselling as I know from my own experience that this can be helpful. They are telling me that they shouldn't be bothering me with their problems and I find it hard to make them understand that I do want to help. I guess I just have to keep saying this and eventually they may accept it. They really are lacking in self worth and worry others we work with do not want to know them. This really is not true.

Is it just time and repeating the same message of support that will help?

[Willow]

Hey Plantlover,

 

I'm so glad they have their partner to confide in, as well!

 

I want to make sure you're taking care of yourself through the process of supporting them, too. It's easy to create expectations for ourselves and them, in regards to their progress. Try not to-- and remind them you're a safe person to talk to.

 

What may help, for you, to prevent yourself of over-exertion, is setting up a boundary. Instead of you always looking out for them, inform them that if they need help, they need to approach you about it. It's too much for you to always be on the lookout for their well-being. It's the difference between being 'preventable' vs. 'responsive.' You can't prevent/protect all the time, but you can be responsive. And that will set up success for the future.

 

Instead of trying to prove, over and over, that you don't mind talking to them, or that their co-workers want to be around them- ask them about their worries. Have them break them down... Like, "why do you feel I won't want to hear about your worries at work'" It will help them start to unravel the depths of their coping and defense mechanisms.

 

What you can reiterate is that if you will be clear with them if you don't have the time or energy to talk with them. And, yes, remind them that their worries are valid, and deserve to have a place to be aired out (because that's what's going to help them be a better worker).

 

I can imagine this person is constantly interpreting actions and intonation to see if they're presence is unwanted. So, that's something else to ask questions about... covering up their worries with "it's okay, I want to help you" doesn't subside the worries-- no matter that it's coming from a place of good intentions.

 

Is there a bit of social anxiety going on? Here's a couple articles on it, just in case:

 

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/social-anxiety-bullying/

 

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/7-tips-for-overcoming-social-anxiety/

 

 

Again, I'm so thankful that there are colleagues, like you, out there who want to create a healthy working environment.

 

-willow

[plantlover]

Really helpful guidelines for me to work with. It is reassuring.

Thank you

[Willow]

Hey Plantlover,

 

Not a problem! Would love to hear how it goes... I'm really thankful for all the effort you're putting in.

 

 

-willow