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The goal is at least eight days


Leo B. Fall
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Everything's so intense, and in my face. Intrusive thoughts like everyone hates me and I'm worthless, etc, are on repeat and have been since yesterday. I'm seven days clean so far- the most I've done is eight days and I want to beat that- but I have this goal in mind, this really intense sh goal in mind and I've been doing my best to block it out, I've vented to a few friends about it, but it just- made it worse almost. Like- I know all these thoughts aren't true, I know I'm worthy of life and all of that good stuff but I'm not thinking it- and I hate being told different than how I feel because it makes me feel wrong and like I'm not supposed to feel like this. I mean, yeah- I shouldn't feel like this- but it's not wrong- it's normal. At least for me.

Dysphoria is really intense today, and I don't have a binder anymore, and sports bras hurt, and are a bad idea, and I just. Can't handle it. Sh sounds so so good right now- but I'm in school, and, as I mentioned, I want to break that eight day. I want to make it to nine, ten- frick maybe even twelve days. I don't think I can. I keep imagining this really gorey c^t, and it's been on my mind since last night. It, intrusive thoughts and dysphoria keep coming back and back. I can't think straight, everything's a mess.Β 

I had my first therapy appointment yesterday. I lied and said no about thoughts of sh and other stuff- I didn't want that to be a topic to focus on because she'd have to tell my mom- who'd just blame herself and make me feel bad. But- I think I should've. I mean- I'd feel like crap cause of my mom and her comparing me to my grandpa, but- I need help. I can't think properly. I can't control anything.

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Hey Leo,

Thank you for reaching out to us. I'm one of the digital mentors here and I give advice to those who reach out to us. I'm sorry to hear you've been having intrusive thoughts around harming yourself. It sounds like harming yourself has become one of the main ways for you to cope with what's going on; is that fair to say? I'm wondering, how does it feel for you when you do engage in these behaviours?

Also, I'm glad to hear you went to therapy. It's interesting that you weren't honest with her though. I get what you're saying about wanting to protect your mom's feelings, but the thing is, you have such a great opportunity to receive expert support there, and you really have to think about your own journey and wellbeing. If the therapist doesn't know exactly what's going on, then they cannot help you as much. What do you think?

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2 minutes ago, Monsoon said:

Hey Leo,

Thank you for reaching out to us. I'm one of the digital mentors here and I give advice to those who reach out to us. I'm sorry to hear you've been having intrusive thoughts around harming yourself. It sounds like harming yourself has become one of the main ways for you to cope with what's going on; is that fair to say? I'm wondering, how does it feel for you when you do engage in these behaviours?

Also, I'm glad to hear you went to therapy. It's interesting that you weren't honest with her though. I get what you're saying about wanting to protect your mom's feelings, but the thing is, you have such a great opportunity to receive expert support there, and you really have to think about your own journey and wellbeing. If the therapist doesn't know exactly what's going on, then they cannot help you as much. What do you think?

Hey Monsoon.

Mhm. It's honestly kind of normal, just more intense. I usually listen to music or draw, but those haven't been helping yesterday and today. I haven't done anything but I'm kind of close, not gonna lie. Nothing usually, it's just something to do. Depending on the result, I'm proud of it though.

Talking about sh online is so much easier in person. It was via TeleHealth, so my mom could've heard still. I mentioned the idea of an in person appointment- but due to lack of transport it isn't really possible. I have a feeling if we do, do an in person one, I might mention it. I mentioned everything else but sh thoughts and all that, which would still help.

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15 hours ago, Leo B. Fall said:

Hey Monsoon.

Mhm. It's honestly kind of normal, just more intense. I usually listen to music or draw, but those haven't been helping yesterday and today. I haven't done anything but I'm kind of close, not gonna lie. Nothing usually, it's just something to do. Depending on the result, I'm proud of it though.

Talking about sh online is so much easier in person. It was via TeleHealth, so my mom could've heard still. I mentioned the idea of an in person appointment- but due to lack of transport it isn't really possible. I have a feeling if we do, do an in person one, I might mention it. I mentioned everything else but sh thoughts and all that, which would still help.

Hey there,

I'm glad you still mentioned everything else. I'm wondering, could you maybe ask your mom to give you time in the house when you're having your appointment? It might be easier for you to share that way instead.

Also, if you like, we can share some safe alternatives to self-harm that you might find helpful? Let us know.Β 

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4 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

I'm glad you still mentioned everything else. I'm wondering, could you maybe ask your mom to give you time in the house when you're having your appointment? It might be easier for you to share that way instead.

Also, if you like, we can share some safe alternatives to self-harm that you might find helpful? Let us know.Β 

Eyo,

Yeah, I want to be as honest as I can be. She did that naturally, she left to her room and blasted a show she was watching. I dunno how it could get easier than that. Thank you though.

That would be helpful, yeah.

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Hey there,

Ah, okay, it sounds like you had a good opportunity to be pretty honest then, but for some reason, you weren't able to on that occasion. I wonder why that might be? Something to think about, and you don't have to share with us either, it's completely up to you.Β 

Also, with the self-harm, would you like to have a read of our support guide here and maybe pick out a couple of strategies to try next?Β https://www.ditchthelabel.org/15-safer-alternatives-to-self-harm/Β 

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2 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Ah, okay, it sounds like you had a good opportunity to be pretty honest then, but for some reason, you weren't able to on that occasion. I wonder why that might be? Something to think about, and you don't have to share with us either, it's completely up to you.Β 

Also, with the self-harm, would you like to have a read of our support guide here and maybe pick out a couple of strategies to try next?Β https://www.ditchthelabel.org/15-safer-alternatives-to-self-harm/Β 

Eyo Monsoon,

I think it was because I was still at home. I find it's easier to share things when I'm not at home. I dunno for sure though. I plan on telling them eventually though, about self harm and all that.Β 

I was just doing that actually, thanks.

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16 hours ago, Leo B. Fall said:

Eyo Monsoon,

I think it was because I was still at home. I find it's easier to share things when I'm not at home. I dunno for sure though. I plan on telling them eventually though, about self harm and all that.Β 

I was just doing that actually, thanks.

Hey there,

That's good that you plan on telling them; the more open you are, the more they can help, so just keep that in mind :)

Also, how did it go reading the article? Has it given you some inspiration for what you might try?Β 

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2 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

That's good that you plan on telling them; the more open you are, the more they can help, so just keep that in mind :)

Also, how did it go reading the article? Has it given you some inspiration for what you might try?Β 

Eyo again,

Yeah, I am.

It went well, I know a few of them already so I'll keep 'em in mind for next time : )

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2 hours ago, Leo B. Fall said:

Eyo again,

Yeah, I am.

It went well, I know a few of them already so I'll keep 'em in mind for next time : )

Hey,

Sure thing. Would you like anymore support for now, or are you alright?Β 

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@Monsoon, I ended up cutting really badly. I think I'm going to tell my therapist next time we meet, but I'm not sure how to approach the subject, do you have any advice? I fear her and my mom's response.Β 

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This post has been flagged with warnings, as follows: Self-Harm

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On 11/13/2022 at 12:46 AM, Leo B. Fall said:

@Monsoon, I ended up cutting really badly. I think I'm going to tell my therapist next time we meet, but I'm not sure how to approach the subject, do you have any advice? I fear her and my mom's response.Β 

Hey there,

Thank you for telling me about what happened. I just want to check, are you safe, or do you need medical attention? Also, I'm really glad to hear you are thinking of telling your therapist. It's important to remember that your therapist is trained to handle these situations in a really helpful and calming way, and they are the perfect person to make you feel at ease during this time. It might be helpful to tell her about the most recent time you harmed yourself and how it made you feel.Β What do you think?

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This post has been flagged with warnings, as follows: Self-Harm

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2 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Thank you for telling me about what happened. I just want to check, are you safe, or do you need medical attention? Also, I'm really glad to hear you are thinking of telling your therapist. It's important to remember that your therapist is trained to handle these situations in a really helpful and calming way, and they are the perfect person to make you feel at ease during this time. It might be helpful to tell her about the most recent time you harmed yourself and how it made you feel.Β What do you think?

Eyo,

I'm safe, no worries. Yeah, it's just- weird, ya know? That sounds good, thanks Monsoon.

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This post has been flagged with warnings, as follows: Self-Harm

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8 hours ago, Leo B. Fall said:

Eyo,

I'm safe, no worries. Yeah, it's just- weird, ya know? That sounds good, thanks Monsoon.

Hey there,

I'm glad to hear you're safe, and I just wanted to check. Would you like to see how it goes opening up to her and then let us know? No pressure if you don't want to talk about it anymore though, whatever works for you.Β 

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1 hour ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

I'm glad to hear you're safe, and I just wanted to check. Would you like to see how it goes opening up to her and then let us know? No pressure if you don't want to talk about it anymore though, whatever works for you.Β 

Eyo Monsoon,

Yeah, I am too. No worries. I'm going to try to bring it up at my next appointment, it's on the 21st and is in person, so hopefully it should be easier. I'll most likely comment on it sometime afterwards, yeah. Thanks for checkin' in and all that : )

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This post has been flagged with warnings, as follows: Self-Harm

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17 hours ago, Leo B. Fall said:

Eyo Monsoon,

Yeah, I am too. No worries. I'm going to try to bring it up at my next appointment, it's on the 21st and is in person, so hopefully it should be easier. I'll most likely comment on it sometime afterwards, yeah. Thanks for checkin' in and all that : )

Hey,

No worries :)

Remember, we are here for you, and if you need to talk about anything else, please let us know :)Β 

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