I'll never fit in...

[Dewdrop]

The title isn't exactly accurate because I don't want to "fit it." I want to stand out, be exceptional, be noticable, be myself. But it was the best title I could think of.

A few days ago, I was at the public school and I walked into the library. It was crowded. Every single student in my grade was in the library, working together to solve an escape room. Every. Single. Student. In. My. Grade. But. Not. Me. I felt like my heart was being weighed down again, like I was an outsider again, over the past few years I've made so much progress on being a typical student, but everyone was invited but me. No one ever told me that everyone else would be solving an escape room in the library. 

I had gone to the library to do my work, but when I saw everybody, I just froze. I asked a para what was going on, she told me, and so I set my bags down on a chair and went to sit down, but I just couldn't. I stood silently and watched everybody for 45 minutes... only a few people noticed me standing there. No one said hi, or anything. It was tearing up my heart to watch everybody, but I just had to, I couldn't move away. 

And the thing is, I'm pretty good at staying unnoticed when I want to be. But whenever someone glanced across the room, I tried to be noticed. I don't really know why, I guess I wanted to be noticed, wanted to be invited, included, not just an outsider, an observer who can never join the "normal" people. I'll never be accepted. I'll never truly be able to join everyone else. 

Sorry, I just needed to get that off my chest...

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

Thank you for sharing this with us. How does it feel to get all of this off your chest? I completely get what you're saying about wanting to stand out and be noticeable. I'm wondering, to stand out, what do you think it takes to get yourself noticed like that? How do you have to interact with people?