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My mother has been emotionally abusing me


Horseygirl    

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Hi everyone,

 

So about 20 minutes ago, my mum came home from picking the bread up from the bread factory, which she does every Monday for the Homeless feed on Monday nights. She asked me (rather rudely) to put the sweets (cinnamon buns, cream and jam sweets, etc) into the foam box and to brush the ants off them. I didn't want to touch the food because there were ants on them, and I said that literally no one would want to eat food that had had ants crawling on them. So when she went outside again to the car, I tipped the box upside down into the foam box, because as I said, I didn't want to touch the ants. I don't see what I've done wrong, because all she did was ask me to put the sweets in the foam box. I was in my room after doing this, and she came into the loungeroom and screamed at me saying the sweets were a mess, and then called me, and I quote, "You little b***h", which really upset me because I'm so sick of her insulting me. She's been calling me names for years, and I've managed to toughen up a bit and ignore them, but today I've been feeling really down in the dumps, and her calling me that just broke me. I've stopped crying now, but I was crying hysterically after she left to go out again to drop off the bread. 

 

I literally don't know what I did wrong. She asked me to put the sweets in the foam box, so I did. How is tipping them into a foam box bad? I literally didn't want to touch the ants, cause they were all over the sweets, and it was disgusting. Like I wouldn't want to eat that!!!!!

 

If you guys can give me any advice on what to do, I'd be SO freaking grateful. My mum is 100% a narcassist. My sister and I (we're 14 months apart) often talk about my mum's narcassistic behaviour. She (my mum I mean) always has to control everything, she ALWAYS has to know about everything, and she just HAS to be the centre of attention ALL THE TIME. I'm so exhausted by it all. Being autistic, I'm nowhere NEAR as independant as I should be, so I'm absolutely nowhere near ready to move out or anything like that, and I don't have a job because I only want a job working with horses because horses are my anxiety blanket. They always make me feel better. 

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm talking to a therapist via phone calls, but I've only just had my 2nd session the other day, so I'm not able to talk about this with him yet because we're talking about stratagies for my meltdowns and anxiety. 

 

It just really really hurts when she calls me names like that. I can't even begin to describe how much it hurts. I love her so much, I do, but when she calls me names like that, it breaks my heart. Sadly over the years, because she's insulted me like that, and because I was bullied in school for 13 years, I've lost almost all of my confidence and my self-esteem is dangerously low. When my mum insults me like that, she makes me feel small, weak, and worthless. And no one should have to feel like that, ever. I hate feeling like I'm worthless and weak, but how can I not feel like that when I literally have a narcassistic mother emotionally abusing me and insulting me by calling me rude names? 

 

Just any advice, or anything I can try to calm down, to not take her insults to heart, etc, I seriously would be grateful. Because everything I've tried to calm down, to not take it to heart, is no longer working...

 

Thank you so so so SO much for reading this, I seriously appreciate it. Like I cannot express how grateful I am, seriously. So all I can really say, is thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. 

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  • Digital Mentor

 

Hi @Horseygirl, I'm Aurora, I'm one of the support mentors here. Thank you so much for opening up about what has been going on at home. It sounds like this has been going on for a long time and I’m glad you feel you can share this with us. Please know that this is a safe place and you can talk about anything here. I can understand why you feel really upset by your Mum insulting you. I think most people would struggle with this and it’s natural that this has been affecting your self esteem. It’s difficult to feel good about yourself, when you keep being insulted. Can I ask, does home feel like a safe space for you?

You mentioned that you and your sister both think that your Mum is a narcissist. Do you mind me asking, does your sister still live at home with you and how is her relationship with your Mum? 

Also, you mentioned that you’ve had two sessions with your therapist. I hope that you have found this helpful. Do you think you might be able to open up to your therapist about what has been going on with your Mum. From what you’ve been telling me it sounds like some of the things you’ve been struggling with might be exacerbated by the relationship you have with your Mum. Would you agree? 

I hope you don’t mind me asking so many questions. This is so I can get a better understanding of what’s going on for you and support you better.


 

 

 

 

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Hi Aurora,

 

Sometimes home is a safe space, it kind of depends on if there's been a bad argument and if I feel I can stay at home or if I have to walk up to the park which is about a 2 minute walk away. My sister does live at home with me, and as for her relationship with my mum, well they argue a lot sometimes. Kind of like me and my dad. We're so much alike that we fight like cats and dogs, it's the same for my sister and my mum. Talking to a therapist is helping, I believe, but I'm not sure if I could talk about my mum emotionally abusing me because she would be able to overhear everything. I would go somewhere she couldn't hear but the only place would be the park. 

 

I do agree with what you said about some of the things I've been struggling with being made worse. I just wish I knew how to fix things. I hate fighting (verbally I mean, we never EVER fight physically, I promise) because it upsets me. I'm usually a really happy person except for the times when I'm getting emotionally and verbally abused.

 

I don't mind you asking all these questions. It's definitely helped me really think about things. As I said before, I just wish I knew how to fix things because this isn't the type of relationship I want to have with my mum.

 

Thank you so much for talking to me, I REALLY appreciate it.

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22 hours ago, Horseygirl said:

Hi Aurora,

Sometimes home is a safe space, it kind of depends on if there's been a bad argument and if I feel I can stay at home or if I have to walk up to the park which is about a 2 minute walk away. My sister does live at home with me, and as for her relationship with my mum, well they argue a lot sometimes. Kind of like me and my dad. We're so much alike that we fight like cats and dogs, it's the same for my sister and my mum. Talking to a therapist is helping, I believe, but I'm not sure if I could talk about my mum emotionally abusing me because she would be able to overhear everything. I would go somewhere she couldn't hear but the only place would be the park. 

I do agree with what you said about some of the things I've been struggling with being made worse. I just wish I knew how to fix things. I hate fighting (verbally I mean, we never EVER fight physically, I promise) because it upsets me. I'm usually a really happy person except for the times when I'm getting emotionally and verbally abused.

I don't mind you asking all these questions. It's definitely helped me really think about things. As I said before, I just wish I knew how to fix things because this isn't the type of relationship I want to have with my mum.

Thank you so much for talking to me, I REALLY appreciate it.

Hi @Horseygirl, you're very welcome. Please know that we are always here for you! Thank you for explaining everything and being so open with me. It sounds like you're generally a really happy person but the fighting at home is  getting to you and is having an impact on your wellbeing. From what you've been telling me, you'd like to focus on improving your relationship with your Mum for now. Is that right? 

I'm wondering if you've had a conversation with Mum about how you feel when you're both feeling calm and ready to talk. Your Mum might not realise how much it upsets you, when she insults you. Do you think that might help? If you like, we could think about what might help to make your Mum understand your point of view, before you talk to her. 

I'm glad to hear that you are finding it helpful, talking to your therapist. Although I'm wondering if it would be possible to have a different set up, so your Mum can't overhear your conversations. Therapy sessions usually work best, when they are confidential. This is so you can be really open and talk about everything. What do you think? 

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Hi Aurora,

 

Yea I really do want to improve my relationship with my mum because she is, despite the arguments, someone I feel I can talk to most of the time. I haven't spoken to her yet about how I feel because I'm honestly not sure how she'll react, and the last thing I want is to upset and/or anger her. I feel like talking to her when we're both calm would be best. I'd really appreciate it if we could talk about what I should say to her, because a lot of the time I feel I say or do the wrong thing. 

 

With the therapist, everything said between me and him is confidential, but I'm just worried that my mum will overhear me when I talk about certain situations and then bring it up later on. I think it might be because of covid that I'm not able to see my therapist in person, but I'm not entirely sure though. 

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Hello again,

its nice to hear that you feel you can talk to your mum most of the time 🙂. And that might be a good way to start the conversation. Maybe you could let her know that you wanted to speak to her because you feel you can be open with her (or something along those lines). What do you think?

What I find helpful in these situations is to try not to place blame and instead let the other person know how you feel. Otherwise, what often happens is that the other person gets offended and doesn't listen to what you are trying to say. That means, instead of saying things like "you do .... and you do..." it can help to use "I" statements. An example would be "I get really upset when we fight and it makes me feel like I'm useless." Do you think that might work? If you do, then it might be useful if you think about what it is you would like to tell your Mum and how you could phrase it as an "I" statement. You don't need to share it here if you don't want to. 

With the therapist, have you asked them if it would be possible to see them in person. And if not, I'm wondering whether it might be a possibility in the future? 

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Thank you so much Aurora, that's a great idea. Yea i'm hoping I'll be able to see my therapist in person because I think it would help better than a phone call.

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4 hours ago, Horseygirl said:

Thank you so much Aurora, that's a great idea. Yea i'm hoping I'll be able to see my therapist in person because I think it would help better than a phone call.

Another thing that might help is to notice if either you or your Mum are getting angry or upset and if that happens, maybe you could suggest taking a moment to calm everything down. You could explain that you want this to be a positive conversation for the two of you and it might work best if you both try and stay calm so you can properly talk about what's been on your mind. Do you think that might work? 

How do you feel about talking to your Mum now? I really hope it goes well.  If you want to you can let me know how it went.

Have you asked your therapist if you can see them in person?

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