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In a long-term straight relationship, wanting to be in a same-sex relationship


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Sorry this is so long, but if you have any recommendations I would really appreciate your perspective.


I am a woman (though I think genderqueer is maybe a better fit but haven't fully explored that aspect of myself), and I have been in a straight relationship with a really great guy for almost 5 years. Before that, I was in a relationship with a different guy for about 2 years.


My earliest relationships were all with girls and I identified as a lesbian early on. I have always been more attracted to women than men, that much is sure. It came as quite a surprise when I started dating that first boyfriend, and I never really came to terms with it in my identity. I lost a few friends who were queer because they thought I was a fake or lying or something like that. It was also a difficult time in my life for other reasons that I don't need to go into.


Now it has been 6 or 7 years of living what looks like a straight life. I am not connected with any LGBT groups, and it kind of intimidates me to go because I am dating a man and most people in my life now don't know I am gay at all. I feel more comfortable presenting as I did in those younger days, as openly queer, but I find myself watching my back if I do, so I just don't very often.


Meanwhile, every once in a while, I get a strong desire to be with a woman again. It doesn't happen too often but when it does, it is so distracting. The sex with my current partner is enjoyable, so I guess I am not a lesbian. But there is a part of me that is terrified that I am really a lesbian and have been lying all these years aboug being sexually attracted to these men when really I was just emotionally attracted to them. That I needed the support or something.


I am not sure what to do because I am afraid I will keep having these desires to be with a woman, but I also don't want to hurt my partner. I feel like he deserves better and I don't want to keep moving from one person to another my whole life, exchanging people like pants or what have you. What I mean to say is that I've told him I love him, and I feel deeply responsible for him, but I'm having a hard time reconciling that with what will make me happy.


At the same time, in many ways it is much easier to date him than any woman. I can go out with him, my family all really like him, his family likes me, and there is no fear of social problems. And his family is respectable and I think he could take care of me, which is very appealing to part of me, but there is another part of me that feels like a child with a parent.


All in all, things are good, but I am just a bit confused. I know plenty of lesbians have been married to men, sometimes their whole adult lives. Is there a way to connect with some to see if their experiences resonate with mine? How can I know for sure or is it even possible? Lastly, if I am just bisexual and more attracted to women, how do I keep these thoughts from interfering with my life? The common advice is to just explore and embrace the ambiguity, but it gets a little funky when other people's lives are involved, don't you think?


Thanks for reading all this,


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Hey Lemons,


This is such a common problem faced by many, and I'm glad you've come to us for help. We can definitely give you some insight for your situation.


It could very well be that you are bisexual, but just prefer women more. This is perfectly normal. It could be that you will always have sexual thoughts about the same sex, and it is important to welcome them and not punish yourself every time they enter your mind. The more comfortable you are with them, the less they will bother you if that makes sense? It is perfectly okay to have these desires, and you shouldn't let it make you feel like you aren't worthy of your current relationship. It definitely helps to share your problems though, and I think you may even start to feel better now that you've told us.


Sometimes, people that are bisexual feel a lot of stress and anxiety removed if they are open with their current partner - the fact that he doesn't know the ?whole you? can be one reason that it may not feel right. It could well be that he will welcome this honesty and your trust in him and will enable you to enjoy the relationship more without the intrusive thoughts that are bothering you. Whatever relationship you are in you deserve to be loved for every part of you.


If you feel that any issues in your current relationship are not connected to your sexuality, it isn't fair for the both of you to be in something that you might not feel is right, but as I said, talking about it to him will bring you more clarity. I hope you find this useful.


Also, there are plenty of forums on the internet where you can talk to people in a similar situation. Here is a good one: https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php


There may well be people on here too in the same situation.


Anyway, I hope you find this advice helpful. If not, let me know and we can figure something else out.


-Monsoon :)


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