hate my intimate parts

[paganini_]

Hi

It's been almost four moths already that I have been trying to over come all of this. But i can't. I simply can't. 

Since 2018 I've had a very toxic relationship with a "friend" of mine, Elisa. She always compared herself to me and viceversa. It kinda pissed me off the beginning, but i stopped caring after a few moths: it was her problem, not mine. But then her envy self started to grow too bad due tue her low grades, her self esteem ect. So one day, we where in my bathroom at my house. I had to do a medical exam so i need to pee in a glass, so i sat on the bidet, while she was peeing in the the wc. She asked me "can i see your labia?". I immediately went "no, wtf", it was a weird question. I don't even get why some one who is not in a relationship with you should ask it. She continued "pleaseee camonn" "no??" "yes?" "no???" then i got distracted cos i needed to concentrate on peeing right in the glass. Meanwhile, she took that moment to lean and look, even if i said NO three times. I didn't even think of covering, i thought there was no need. But the worse part is yet to come. She laughed. She laughed and said "haha they look like little testicles". I got super angry, but i said nothing. Then i showed some discomfort about what happened, and she went on commenting it "camon... it was a stupid joke... long labia are not bad... sure, mine are not like that... but its ok..." Oh camon, that's the most ridiculous comment you can make after saying i look like i have testicles. Funny part: she hasn't even seen any other vagina or testicles in her life. So wtf. I hate her, i hate her so bad for abusing me in that way. In my mother country, Spain, NO MEANS NO. And if you have an opinion about others body parts, which is already absurd considering wr are talking about the intimate ones, literally shut up and keep it to yourself. That comment was the most ridiculous and childish ever. I hate her. 

I hate her because from that moment on, i can't stop thinking about it. About how wrong i am. About how ugly, disgusting, ridiculous i am. About how she is lucky instead, and im not. About how i could have covered myself instead of trusting her. About how ridiculous all of this is. I was confident with it once, before this. And now i can't stop thinking about her looking at me without my consent. I think about it in the morning when i wake up, and cry myself to sleep at night. 

It's so frustrating for many reasons.

First: as a bisexual i love long labia and now that there's nothing wrong with them, i myself find them attractive. But from that moment, i hate mine. 

Second: it's frustrating to know that i have a ugly vagina, while an envy bitch like her has a normal one. I deserved more than this. 

Third: its terrible to know that such a little childish person is making me feel so bad. 

Fourth: the feelings. Intrusive traumatic thoughts are surely bad as fück, but the worse thing are the feeling. I FEEL that my vagina is sick, i feel her eccessive, that needs to be cut off. I feel her like it was a tumor: something that needs to be killed, deleted, ripped off. 

I know i could get surgery. But what makes me suffer is the fact that i was born like this. Like this and not like a porn star model. 

Why me then? Why me that respected any human being in my life, and not her: a "bestfriend" who has been trying to crash my self esteem from the first time we met. She deserves anything bad in this world. Anything for treating me like that. 

I hate her, and i hate myself. 

Im disgusting. 

[Monsoon]

Hey,

Thank you for reaching out to us. I'm one of the digital mentors and I give advice to our community members here.

I'm really sorry to hear about this traumatic incident. Your privacy was absolutely violated which is awful enough, and to then make such a hurtful comment, I can completely understand why this was such a terrible experience for you, and I'm so sorry to hear about it. You were in a vulnerable situation, and it's totally understandable that this has left a lasting impact on you. 

I'm wondering, what do you feel needs to happen to try and process this and move forward to a more positive place? 

[paganini_]

6 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey,

Thank you for reaching out to us. I'm one of the digital mentors and I give advice to our community members here.

I'm really sorry to hear about this traumatic incident. Your privacy was absolutely violated which is awful enough, and to then make such a hurtful comment, I can completely understand why this was such a terrible experience for you, and I'm so sorry to hear about it. You were in a vulnerable situation, and it's totally understandable that this has left a lasting impact on you. 

I'm wondering, what do you feel needs to happen to try and process this and move forward to a more positive place? 

 

I dunno. Right now the situation in very weird. I belive i fell into a sort of depression response to the episode. I feel totally empty. I don't really want to do something, which is weird as im a very active and curious person. I feel extremely anxious and overwhelmed, yet i don't even find the will to cry. I feel angry with her, but mostly with myself. I can't stop think about a thing: "I know i have i nice body, or at least i like it. But what's the point if down there is ugly? It makes anything else useless." So i feel a bad person in general. Physically, especially, and mentally too. 

But there is a thing i am sure about. 

My """"friend"""" has always played the victim. No matter the guilt, she just needs to find an absurd point to make her the victim, and me the evil hunter. Even in this case, she stil found something to make alla of this about me. So a thing that I'd LOVE is justice. I know that justice is an illusion, most of the times. But she HAS to FULLY recognise what she has done. The damaged she has caused, what she took from me. But she'll never do that on her one, she's too dumb. That's why I'd like someone else, not me, to tell her what she did. I know it sounds weird, but if it's me telling her, she'll never get it cos she'll start the victim process. Yet with others she doesn't. I wanr my mom and my boyfriend (the two good people in my life, who hate her too) to destroy her verbally. To make her feel the peice of shit she is, so that she could MINIMALLY understand my pain. She cannot get away with this. I don't wanna be the one suffering. 

 

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

Yeah, it sounds like it has really taken a toll on you, but I'm glad you're being so open with us here, because letting all of these feelings out is the best way to process them, and it sounds like you're getting ready to move forward now which is great. I'm wondering, do you think anything else has contributed to the struggles you're facing now with your wellbeing? If so, can you tell me more?

Also, I completely get what you're saying about how you'd like someone else to tell her, but really, you're the person who knows the true emotional impact of this, and even if she doesn't recognise her behaviour in the moment, it might be therapeutic for you to tell her how this has affected you, and it might be a real turning point in your journey. What do you think? 

[paganini_]

6 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Yeah, it sounds like it has really taken a toll on you, but I'm glad you're being so open with us here, because letting all of these feelings out is the best way to process them, and it sounds like you're getting ready to move forward now which is great. I'm wondering, do you think anything else has contributed to the struggles you're facing now with your wellbeing? If so, can you tell me more?

Also, I completely get what you're saying about how you'd like someone else to tell her, but really, you're the person who knows the true emotional impact of this, and even if she doesn't recognise her behaviour in the moment, it might be therapeutic for you to tell her how this has affected you, and it might be a real turning point in your journey. What do you think? 

 

Thanks so much for listening. 

I think there are many people who contributed to all of this. My ex boyfriend in the first place. It's a truly complex story, just know that he cheated on me while i was in the hospital for surgery. He made me feel useless, and hopeless. From that moment, any small attack i recive, turns into a vortex that makes me think i am nothing. There are more people, im not known for having healthy relationships, but i think this was the most important at the end of the day. 

I already told her how this has affected me, and guess what, she played the victim. She said:

"Omg i didn't think about that... sorry im so naive" or "Oh camon, you did bad things too" or "Ok but you didn't tell me no" which is false. 

I talked to my psychologist today. She helped me figuring out many things, thanks to God. I still feel hurt, guilty, ugly, distant from the world, and all that i said. But if i have to feel bad it's not gonna be because of such a worm she is.

Thats a million for your support. I had no one to talk to these days, i think that without someone listening and caring about what i was saying, i would have harmed my self. But i didn't because you, whoever you are, made me feel unjudged and welcomed. 

So thanks, for real, you saved my life. 

Ps: I'll try to work this out, but i might have other down days. Tho my boyfriend is gonna help me trough all of this, if he's not with me I'll write everything here, in case. This page saved me.

 

[Monsoon]

12 hours ago, paganini_ said:

Thanks so much for listening. 

I think there are many people who contributed to all of this. My ex boyfriend in the first place. It's a truly complex story, just know that he cheated on me while i was in the hospital for surgery. He made me feel useless, and hopeless. From that moment, any small attack i recive, turns into a vortex that makes me think i am nothing. There are more people, im not known for having healthy relationships, but i think this was the most important at the end of the day. 

I already told her how this has affected me, and guess what, she played the victim. She said:

"Omg i didn't think about that... sorry im so naive" or "Oh camon, you did bad things too" or "Ok but you didn't tell me no" which is false. 

I talked to my psychologist today. She helped me figuring out many things, thanks to God. I still feel hurt, guilty, ugly, distant from the world, and all that i said. But if i have to feel bad it's not gonna be because of such a worm she is.

Thats a million for your support. I had no one to talk to these days, i think that without someone listening and caring about what i was saying, i would have harmed my self. But i didn't because you, whoever you are, made me feel unjudged and welcomed. 

So thanks, for real, you saved my life. 

Ps: I'll try to work this out, but i might have other down days. Tho my boyfriend is gonna help me trough all of this, if he's not with me I'll write everything here, in case. This page saved me.

Hey there,

Yeah, you're right in saying that this is complex, and many different experiences have probably influenced your current wellbeing. I'm wondering, how is it going with your psychologist? Are you finding it useful?

Also, thank you for such kind words about your support. I'm wondering, are we able to use your quote anonymously to put on our website? This will help others to see how helpful our service can be :)