Coming out to unsupportive parents

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Hi Im a bi female. Im currently in high school and had a rough year and a half, things are going better but still hard living with my homophobic family. Were christian and since little I was learned to only like males. Ive always felt like attracted to females but only realised about 2 years ago. I fell into a deep depresion and devoleped high social anxiety, but like I said things are getting better. Anyway I dont know if Ill ever come out to them because Im pretty sure theyll disown me. We dont have a very good relationship but I live with it. Lately Ive been pusing myself alot to distract my selfhate. I guess it kinda helped but I just stopped lying to myself and just accepted Im bi. Has anyone been through a simmilar sutuation and do you have some advise. I really struggle and cant sleep I havent told anyone Im bi but Im planning to tell some of my supportive friends.

[Monsoon]

18 hours ago, ... said:

Hi Im a bi female. Im currently in high school and had a rough year and a half, things are going better but still hard living with my homophobic family. Were christian and since little I was learned to only like males. Ive always felt like attracted to females but only realised about 2 years ago. I fell into a deep depresion and devoleped high social anxiety, but like I said things are getting better. Anyway I dont know if Ill ever come out to them because Im pretty sure theyll disown me. We dont have a very good relationship but I live with it. Lately Ive been pusing myself alot to distract my selfhate. I guess it kinda helped but I just stopped lying to myself and just accepted Im bi. Has anyone been through a simmilar sutuation and do you have some advise. I really struggle and cant sleep I havent told anyone Im bi but Im planning to tell some of my supportive friends.

Hey there,

Welcome to the DTL community. I'm one of the digital mentors here and I give advice to those who reach out to us. It sounds like you've got a lot going on, from your difficult relationship with your parents, coming out, acknowledging your sexuality, and your mental health challenges as well. You've come to the right place though - we are here to listen to you and help you through this tricky time :). I'm interested to know, what has helped you to cope with all of this?

Also, I'm wondering, when it comes to advice, what would you like support with in particular?

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On 8/27/2022 at 3:52 PM, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Welcome to the DTL community. I'm one of the digital mentors here and I give advice to those who reach out to us. It sounds like you've got a lot going on, from your difficult relationship with your parents, coming out, acknowledging your sexuality, and your mental health challenges as well. You've come to the right place though - we are here to listen to you and help you through this tricky time :). I'm interested to know, what has helped you to cope with all of this?

Also, I'm wondering, when it comes to advice, what would you like support with in particular?

Hi Ive mostly tried to distract myself by staying active, running has helped me alot. I also dont talk to my parents as much because I feel like Im being judged by them all the time. I guess I just want to know if I have to come out to my parents because right now Im planning on graduating, getting as far away from them and just being happy. I dont know if Ill be able to just not tell them forever. Do I have to come out to them?

Edited August 29, 2022 by ...

[Monsoon]

20 hours ago, ... said:

Hi Ive mostly tried to distract myself by staying active, running has helped me alot. I also dont talk to my parents as much because I feel like Im being judged by them all the time. I guess I just want to know if I have to come out to my parents because right now Im planning on graduating, getting as far away from them and just being happy. I dont know if Ill be able to just not tell them forever. Do I have to come out to them?

Hey there,

You absolutely do not have to come out to them. You can come out whenever you want and feel ready, and actually, it's important to remember that coming out is a privilege and some people cannot do so because it's too dangerous. For those where it might be too dangerous, this can be if there's a chance of being abused, kicked out, or even sent to prison if being LGBTQ+ is a crime in your country. What do you think? I know it's not ideal, but waiting until you are living independently from them and then telling them is probably the safest option, and your safety is the most important thing here. 

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3 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

You absolutely do not have to come out to them. You can come out whenever you want and feel ready, and actually, it's important to remember that coming out is a privilege and some people cannot do so because it's too dangerous. For those where it might be too dangerous, this can be if there's a chance of being abused, kicked out, or even sent to prison if being LGBTQ+ is a crime in your country. What do you think? I know it's not ideal, but waiting until you are living independently from them and then telling them is probably the safest option, and your safety is the most important thing here. 

I still think of just never coming out to them, would that be so bad? Thell never accept me for who I am so why should I. Its just easier to never tell them.

Edited August 30, 2022 by ...

[ThatgurlieLekira]

Hey everybody, My name is kimia but i go by Lekira cuz it's my nickname. I am 14 years young i'm bisexual and my life has been hell ever since I was about 7. My real dad left me and my brother. He used to abuse my brother and so he left. Then my mom started treating me and my brothers badly (when it comes to support with our sexuality). She and my grandparents are homophobic I can barely talk to them cuz they shut me out every time I try to talk to them. I try to stay positive but it's not gonna help me. And I feel like if I come out to my mom our relationship will fall apart. I don't know what to do anymore and it's kind of stressing me out. I really want to come out to her but im scared of her reaction and how she would feel. I want her to be proud of me.  I used to want to kill myself because of all the pain I have been in over the years. I to be honest I still kinda do. I barely have friends in the first place I get bullied every year by the same people cuz they hate me and cuz of my sexuality. I have been in a place where I felt like my step-dad was gonna rape me cuz my step-dad asked me to and I felt like he was gonna rape me . He keeps talking bout touching my boobs and he asked me to touch his dick and like I don't like him anymore cuz of what he tried to do.

Edited August 31, 2022 by lekira

[Monsoon]

18 hours ago, ... said:

I still think of just never coming out to them, would that be so bad? Thell never accept me for who I am so why should I. Its just easier to never tell them.

Hey,

It really is a privilege to come out, and if doing so to then would have many negative long term consequences for you, then it might be worth having a think about what is best for you, but you are the only one that can answer that question. I have supported some people who have been in a similar situation and came out when they were living independently from their homophobic relatives, and even though they didn’t receive the news well, the people I supported spoke of how positive it was for them to be open about who they are. What do you think? 

[Monsoon]

15 minutes ago, lekira said:

Hey everybody, My name is kimia but i go by Lekira cuz it's my nickname. I am 14 years young i'm bisexual and my life has been hell ever since I was about 7. My real dad left me and my brother. He used to abuse my brother and so he left. Then my mom started treating me and my brothers badly (when it comes to support with our sexuality). She and my grandparents are homophobic I can barely talk to them cuz they shut me out every time I try to talk to them. I try to stay positive but it's not gonna help me. And I feel like if I come out to my mom our relationship will fall apart. I don't know what to do anymore and it's kind of stressing me out. I really want to come out to her but im scared of her reaction and how she would feel. I want her to be proud of me.  I used to want to kill myself because of all the pain I have been in over the years. I to be honest I still kinda do. I barely have friends in the first place I get bullied every year

Hey,

Welcome to the DTL community. I’m one of the digital mentors here and I give advice to those who reach out to us. It sounds like you’ve been having a really difficult time, and I cannot imagine how hard it was for your dad to be abusive and then leave you. I just want you to know that we are here for you and want to understand your situation so we can help you through this. You’re not alone :)

I’m wondering, are you feeling safe at the moment? If you aren’t, it’s okay to be open about this, and we will do what we can to support you through this. Also, I’m wanting to know, did the abuse ever get reported to anyone?

Take care and speak soon.

[ThatgurlieLekira]

i'm feeling okay I guess. No because I guess they wanted to keep it a secret or something like that. And plus my dad likes to drink from time to time and he is always in and out of jail 

[Monsoon]

Hey,

I’m glad to hear that you’re okay. What do you think has helped you to cope with all of this so far? You’ve clearly had a lot going on and you’re definitely a resilient person to even just get by in life with this, and it’s helpful to think about how you actually got through something hard as this can show what helps you to cope which can then be useful to build your resilience. I’ll look forward to hearing back from you! Take care.

[ThatgurlieLekira]

i think my grandma helped me cope with it. But it's starting to affect me again.  And ty for saying that

[Monsoon]

3 hours ago, lekira said:

i think my grandma helped me cope with it. But it's starting to affect me again.  And ty for saying that

Hey there,

I'm sorry to hear that it is starting to affect you again. Can you tell me more about that?

Also, I'm sorry if this is a private question, but I'm wondering, can you tell me more about what happened with your dad when he was abusive? Also, if you prefer, we can talk about this privately, so just let me know. Take care. 

[ThatgurlieLekira]

yes i would prefer that 

[Monsoon]

9 hours ago, lekira said:

yes i would prefer that 

Sure thing. Can you send us a message by clicking the Confidential Support tab at the top of this page and we can then go from there? Take care. 

[ThatgurlieLekira]

2 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Sure thing. Can you send us a message by clicking the Confidential Support tab at the top of this page and we can then go from there? Take care. 

i just sent one

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On 8/31/2022 at 3:44 PM, Monsoon said:

Hey,

It really is a privilege to come out, and if doing so to then would have many negative long term consequences for you, then it might be worth having a think about what is best for you, but you are the only one that can answer that question. I have supported some people who have been in a similar situation and came out when they were living independently from their homophobic relatives, and even though they didn’t receive the news well, the people I supported spoke of how positive it was for them to be open about who they are. What do you think? 

I think my parents hate me enough if I ever come out I will have no one and Im already so lonely. I know no one in my family will support me and the place where I live is against lgbtq+ but I dont really know.

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

I noticed what you said about thinking your parents hate you enough, and I'm wondering, can you tell me more about that? Why do you think this? 

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On 9/10/2022 at 11:31 AM, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

I noticed what you said about thinking your parents hate you enough, and I'm wondering, can you tell me more about that? Why do you think this? 

They barely even talk to me and when they do its mostly yelling .I know they hate me because they hate being around me .

[Monsoon]

Can I ask, what makes you think they hate you?