To bi, or not to bi? That is the question(-ing).

[Clara283664]

I’m a college graduate and for the sake of full disclosure,  I’m likely a bit behind in life when it comes to exploring my sexuality. My mom was a survivor of sexual abuse and in part due to her trauma, intimacy/PDA was something to be ashamed of in my household. I repressed my sexuality (for all genders) for a solid decade. But anyways- that’s old news. I’ve had a good three years to realize/recall that I am also a sexual being. 
 

A month ago, I took a summer course and kind of fell in love with my lesbian roommate… it’s not the first time I’ve had a crush on a woman.  I literally spent a year in undergrad studying a subject I hated because I had a sad, platonic crush on the professor. I didn’t think I was being that obvious, but my roommate told me at various points (unprompted) that she always ends up with straight girls questioning their sexuality and that she has commitment issues. I do wonder if she liked me back, because she seemed to ask me a lot about my own sexuality, and I never could give her a firm answer because I didn’t know how to define it- I just fall in love with individuals. In the end, one of the last things she said to me was that I was straight. 
 

Obviously, she’s not the sexuality police and that may not be the answer, but I do wonder- I’ve had equally sad platonic crushes on men, but I seem to connect emotionally with women in a way that I don’t think I’d be able to with men. that being said, I have like 0 relationship experience because I’m never attracted to people I don’t have an emotional bond with, don’t want to impose my ambiguous sexuality on people who don’t want to deal, and likely still have a latent fear of intimacy…
 

In short, what am I and what do I do?

[Monsoon]

16 hours ago, Clara283664 said:

I’m a college graduate and for the sake of full disclosure,  I’m likely a bit behind in life when it comes to exploring my sexuality. My mom was a survivor of sexual abuse and in part due to her trauma, intimacy/PDA was something to be ashamed of in my household. I repressed my sexuality (for all genders) for a solid decade. But anyways- that’s old news. I’ve had a good three years to realize/recall that I am also a sexual being. 
 

A month ago, I took a summer course and kind of fell in love with my lesbian roommate… it’s not the first time I’ve had a crush on a woman.  I literally spent a year in undergrad studying a subject I hated because I had a sad, platonic crush on the professor. I didn’t think I was being that obvious, but my roommate told me at various points (unprompted) that she always ends up with straight girls questioning their sexuality and that she has commitment issues. I do wonder if she liked me back, because she seemed to ask me a lot about my own sexuality, and I never could give her a firm answer because I didn’t know how to define it- I just fall in love with individuals. In the end, one of the last things she said to me was that I was straight. 
 

Obviously, she’s not the sexuality police and that may not be the answer, but I do wonder- I’ve had equally sad platonic crushes on men, but I seem to connect emotionally with women in a way that I don’t think I’d be able to with men. that being said, I have like 0 relationship experience because I’m never attracted to people I don’t have an emotional bond with, don’t want to impose my ambiguous sexuality on people who don’t want to deal, and likely still have a latent fear of intimacy…
 

In short, what am I and what do I do?

Hey,

Welcome to the DTL community. I'm one of the mentors here and I give advice to those who reach out to us.  In terms of what your sexuality is, I noticed what you said about how you're never attracted to people you don't have an emotional bond with, and that makes me wonder, have you ever heard of the term demisexuality? If not, maybe look it up and let me know your thoughts, because it sounds like the label might fit with your experience of sexuality.