A long story I would like some outside opinions on

[rb19]

Two years ago I was introduced to a good friend of my landlord at that time, for the sake of the story I will call him Tim. He was in town for just the evening so naturally my landlord put together a BBQ and small party. As it does sometimes, the evening escalated and before you know it were are stumbling into a casino pretty drunk. By this point Tim had asked me if I knew where he could get cocaine and I knew a guy so we proceeded to get hold of some. By this point my landlord and the rest of the crew had told us they were returning home and myself and Tim proceeded to party.

 

We had now left the casino and returned to my landlords home where I was considering ending the night and going to sleep. I offered Tim to share my bed with me as I would with my closer friends as he lived a little while away. I guess having been so intoxicated did not take into consideration I had only just met this guy and at this point he started to become quite paranoid, convinced there were police outside my room, perhaps he thought they were looking for him. From this paranoia he wanted to go elsewhere and asked if I wanted to carry on drinking at his place and stupidly I accepted the offer.

 

So it's 6 am in his back yard I have definitely over done the drinking and regret the cocaine so much as I am feeling way too intoxicated and that's when he asks me if I am gay, I said no and asked him if he was and he replied with yes and in fact I was the first person he had came out to. From mis-reading my sexuality he instantly became very embarrassed and asked me if I had never even thought about it? I wanted to make him comfortable and I told him I may have thought about it but as it stands today I am not attracted to men and I am sorry for giving him the wrong impression but from me telling him I had thought about it I feel as though he latched on to that in his moment of unease and tried to convince me that I was gay. The party ended soon after and we said our somewhat awkward goodbyes.

 

When I got home, coming down off the drugs and booze I broke down into a bit of a mess and being thousands of miles away from home started to feel very alone and upset. I called my parents almost straight away in this state of intoxication and confusion and I told them what had happened and that from this I started to question my sexuality.

 

A short while later, I was back to feeling myself again and at the time was seeing this girl at work who I was extremely attracted to, we went the summer getting to know each other, eventually getting into a relationship with each other.

I hadn't thought about that experience with Tim for months until he came back at the end of the summer and my memories of that night came back to me. I contacted my parents again as his reappearance had bought back those feelings of uncertainty I had that night and they proceeded to live with me for a few months after. All the while never speaking to my girlfriend about what was going on as I was afraid she would run and also because I had just created a war inside my head with trying to rid these thoughts.

 

Eventually I managed to push these thoughts to the back of my mind for a long while and enjoyed another summer with my girlfriend. At this point me and my girlfriend had agreed we would try and make a long distance relationship work because I had to return to my home country.

When I got home I was plagued with questioning my sexuality and insecurity related around my relationship with my girlfriend. Whilst home my parents arranged a holiday for us and during that holiday I am still plagued by these thoughts and out of the blue my landlord who I had became friends with since living with him. He called me to inform me that Tim had killed himself in the house I used to live. Tim was tackling many issues but I was not aware of all of them and did not realise he was in this kind of shape.

 

Since then I have developed a small amount of anxiety and have had to wake my parents up in the middle of the night twice due to my heart racing and feeling extremely uncomfortable. I have also had a counselling session to get an outside perspective of the matter as during this whole experience I have not been able to move on and to be inside my own head as much as I have has started to take a toll.

 

As it stands today I still feel as though I am not gay. I have not had any sexual attraction to any male and am still very attracted to women, especially my girlfriend. The closest thing I can honestly say is for example watching tv and thinking that a particular man is an attractive human and I would like his physique. But for some reason it's like there is this voice in my head questioning my very own self awareness.

 

The counsellor I met mentioned that it was very important to speak with my girlfriend and explain to her what has been going on as it should help me discover the truth and get on with my life. I have already found some relief from talking with parents and writing this very long story... apologies for the mass of content!

[Monsoon]

Hey RB19,

 

Thanks for coming to Community with this.

 

I am sorry that you had to go through this and sorry to hear what happened to your friend Tim. Other than what must have been a huge shock, how are you feeling about all of this?

 

It sounds to me that your friend questioning your sexuality has really had a big impact on you. It is easy to get wrapped up in our own thoughts, and it can be quite negative to live inside our own heads too much.

 

With you saying that you still feel as though you are not gay, and that you have not had any sexual attraction to males leads me to believe that you are not gay. It is perfectly normal to find other guys attractive, and this does not mean that you are gay.

 

I am glad that you are speaking out about it as this is definitely the best way to deal with any kind of problem you are having.

 

Here is a help guide if you are still questioning your sexuality:

 

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/8-things-know-questioning-sexuality/

 

I hope this advice is helpful to you and I look forward to your reply.

 

Hang in there -Monsoon

[rb19]

Thank you so much for your reply. This site really is a great place and your help is thoroughly appreciated.

 

I know what I need to do now and that is speak with my girlfriend, this is most definitely the thing I have built up so much fear and anxiety around and depsite my insticts reminding me of my sexuality I have let this live inside my mind for so long I have doubted my insticts and everything else related around the subject...

 

If anyone reads this, regardless of your sexuality or situation find someone to talk too. I feel so strongly that it will help you. It will be petrifying at first but the more your hear it out loud rather than inside your head, the more clear the situation becomes. My thoughts have consumed me for far too long and im sure most of you feel the same, so be brave and speak whats on your mind.

 

Perhaps I will come back with a message about how it goes with my girlfriend.

 

Thanks.

 

[Monsoon]

Hey RB19,

 

I'm glad you find my advice and this website helpful. I would love to hear back from you on how it goes and I'm glad you are taking the steps to talk about it. Being open and honest always helps us to feel better.

 

Keep us updated.

 

Positive vibes!-Monsoon