feeling worthless

[blueveronica]

i feel like i was just raised wrong and as a result i'm going to be inept and useless all my life. everyday it feels like something is inherently wrong with me which makes me inferior to others. i'm not good with people, i'm not skilled in anything. everyone is like ten steps ahead of me and i'll never be able to catch up to them. i'm jealous of everyone who has a support system because i've never been able to provide an incentive for people to stick with me. i don't even feel like pursuing anything job or career-wise. i fantasize about wealth and power knowing full well i will never achieve anything because i don't have the drive or the skills to do so. i know i will have to get a job to make money but i can't get myself to participate in the rat race. i feel like disappearing because it's like no matter what i do nothing makes a difference in my life and i can never get myself to be cared about by other people. i don't feel capable of anything. 

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

Thank you for opening up to us about how you're feeling about yourself at the moment. Just before we talk more, I noticed what you said about wanting to disappear, and I might be reading too much into this, but I just want to check if you're safe at the moment? It kind of reads like you might be thinking about taking your own life, and if you are, it's okay to be open about that and we can support you through this hard time. Also, I can really see how down you currently are on yourself, and I'm wondering, where do you think all of these feelings started? 

[blueveronica]

I do have passive thoughts about dying but it's not an active thing where I'm planning it or anything. I haven't done anything to harm myself. I think my feelings are due to a bunch of things. I feel like I might be neurodivergent the way I always feel like an outsider and can't make friends the way other people do.. It feels like everyone received an instruction manual on life and I just didn't. I don't think I've had a genuine friend until I turned 18, and even then I keep feeling like my friendships aren't reciprocal and that they would rather be with other people than with me. So, when I see other people with friends constantly cheering them on and going out of their way to support them, I feel jealous that I can't make anyone commit to me like that. My environment feels really small and suffocating. I never got guidance on relationships from my parents so I look to the internet and popular opinion for advice but I'm getting so many conflicting messages that I don't know what to do. I've also been beating myself up because I haven't accomplished what I hoped I would. It feels like I shouldn't even try to pursue anything because I do 5% of what I told myself I would. 

[Angusaya]

Wow... I understand how you feel, even though I haven't find a solution to all those thoughts but I can say that those things are not true at all, I'm sure that you are a wonderful person that hasn't been able to meet the right people, just work on yourself an don't worry about everything else, those things come at you sooner or later. And I know that the laboral life is scary, but just keep in mind that life is about learning, and don't worry if you fail, you can try again, because we learn more about our mistakes than our success.

I hope these words have served you, and I'm not very good at making friends too, but if you want, you can message me anytime, and I'll be really happy to answer.

[Monsoon]

10 hours ago, blueveronica said:

I do have passive thoughts about dying but it's not an active thing where I'm planning it or anything. I haven't done anything to harm myself. I think my feelings are due to a bunch of things. I feel like I might be neurodivergent the way I always feel like an outsider and can't make friends the way other people do.. It feels like everyone received an instruction manual on life and I just didn't. I don't think I've had a genuine friend until I turned 18, and even then I keep feeling like my friendships aren't reciprocal and that they would rather be with other people than with me. So, when I see other people with friends constantly cheering them on and going out of their way to support them, I feel jealous that I can't make anyone commit to me like that. My environment feels really small and suffocating. I never got guidance on relationships from my parents so I look to the internet and popular opinion for advice but I'm getting so many conflicting messages that I don't know what to do. I've also been beating myself up because I haven't accomplished what I hoped I would. It feels like I shouldn't even try to pursue anything because I do 5% of what I told myself I would. 

Hey there,

I'm glad to hear that you are not planning anything, and from what you've said, it sounds like you're safe at the moment - is that fair to say?

Also, from what you've said about where these feelings come from, it seems like a lot of them might be linked to feeling like you may not have the security from relationships/friendships that you would have expected by your age - what do you think about that? I just picked up on this from what you said about being an outsider and having trouble making friends. 

[blueveronica]

Yes I'm safe.

I think it's pretty fair to say that. I feel like I would feel more capable if I felt wanted and important to people that I care about. 

[Monsoon]

16 hours ago, blueveronica said:

Yes I'm safe.

I think it's pretty fair to say that. I feel like I would feel more capable if I felt wanted and important to people that I care about. 

Hey,

Yeah, feeling like we are wanted and important to people you care about is so important for our self-esteem and wellbeing more generally. Can you tell me about the last time you felt wanted and/or important? What happened and what was it like? 

[blueveronica]

I have a really bad memory but I think I felt wanted and important when I was going through a hard time at school a few months ago and my friend texted me reasons to keep going and sent me a postcard encouraging me to hang in there. I liked the feeling that if I wasn't there, there was someone missing me and telling me to come back to them. It made me feel like someone actually wants me around. At one point in our friendship, after we hung out in person for the first time, I had the feeling that they might be the first true friend I've been hoping for and maybe even one of those friends you have for many years that people keep talking about that I've never had. Things are a little different now though, and I'm not so sure anymore. 

[Monsoon]

4 hours ago, blueveronica said:

I have a really bad memory but I think I felt wanted and important when I was going through a hard time at school a few months ago and my friend texted me reasons to keep going and sent me a postcard encouraging me to hang in there. I liked the feeling that if I wasn't there, there was someone missing me and telling me to come back to them. It made me feel like someone actually wants me around. At one point in our friendship, after we hung out in person for the first time, I had the feeling that they might be the first true friend I've been hoping for and maybe even one of those friends you have for many years that people keep talking about that I've never had. Things are a little different now though, and I'm not so sure anymore. 

Hey there,

That's a wonderful memory to have of feeling wanted and I can tell how meaningful that is for you. Can you tell me about a time when you've felt like someone else cares about you as well?

[blueveronica]

A different friend gave me emotional and practical advice while I was having a crisis. 

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

That's great. I'm wondering, after remembering those examples, how are you feeling in terms of other people caring about you? 

[blueveronica]

I think I value consistency and reciprocity, and while I remember instances of  people caring about me, it doesn't feel enough. Sometimes these friends disappear for long periods and don't tell me why and I keep wondering about where we stand friendship-wise. 

[Monsoon]

Hey. Yeah, it definitely sounds like you need more from people. I'm wondering, have you ever spoken to them about how it makes you feel when they disappear? If so, how did it go? 

[blueveronica]

I've never had an actual conversation about it. They just kind of expect me to understand that they do that and that I have to deal with it. I understand that they can't help if they have some condition but I want consistency that they can't give. 

[urfavekpopstan !]

On 7/2/2022 at 2:08 AM, blueveronica said:

i feel like i was just raised wrong and as a result i'm going to be inept and useless all my life. everyday it feels like something is inherently wrong with me which makes me inferior to others. i'm not good with people, i'm not skilled in anything. everyone is like ten steps ahead of me and i'll never be able to catch up to them. i'm jealous of everyone who has a support system because i've never been able to provide an incentive for people to stick with me. i don't even feel like pursuing anything job or career-wise. i fantasize about wealth and power knowing full well i will never achieve anything because i don't have the drive or the skills to do so. i know i will have to get a job to make money but i can't get myself to participate in the rat race. i feel like disappearing because it's like no matter what i do nothing makes a difference in my life and i can never get myself to be cared about by other people. i don't feel capable of anything. 

Hey!

Im so sorry to hear this. I feel like if you were raised wrong, that isn't your fault or something you are in control of. I know what it feels like when everyone is ahead of me, I felt dumb. I believe you will catch up to them, you will be better believe me, there are definitely special talents that you have. Also, please don't feel like you don't have skill, everyone has something that they are not so strong in, let me ask you something, what's something you enjoy? or what is a special talent you have? Also, don't think no one cares about you, I certainly do, you can message me like whenever you would like! I'm always here! Hope I helped :)

[Monsoon]

17 hours ago, blueveronica said:

I've never had an actual conversation about it. They just kind of expect me to understand that they do that and that I have to deal with it. I understand that they can't help if they have some condition but I want consistency that they can't give. 

Hey,

Do you think it could be helpful to tell them how you're feeling?

[blueveronica]

I think it could help in some instances. I just don't want to come across as someone who thinks she's entitled to other people's time. I've also been thinking about how I keep changing my opinions about people and I never really know whether to keep my friendships going or to find other people. I think I don't really know how to tell whether a relationship is worth it or not. When someone is paying attention to me I put them on a pedestal and then when they become distant I start resenting them and the cycle continues. 

[urfavekpopstan !]

1 hour ago, blueveronica said:

I think it could help in some instances. I just don't want to come across as someone who thinks she's entitled to other people's time. I've also been thinking about how I keep changing my opinions about people and I never really know whether to keep my friendships going or to find other people. I think I don't really know how to tell whether a relationship is worth it or not. When someone is paying attention to me I put them on a pedestal and then when they become distant I start resenting them and the cycle continues. 

Ohh-have you tried to talk it out with the people whom you feel like you are questioning your friendship with?

[Monsoon]

7 hours ago, blueveronica said:

I think it could help in some instances. I just don't want to come across as someone who thinks she's entitled to other people's time. I've also been thinking about how I keep changing my opinions about people and I never really know whether to keep my friendships going or to find other people. I think I don't really know how to tell whether a relationship is worth it or not. When someone is paying attention to me I put them on a pedestal and then when they become distant I start resenting them and the cycle continues. 

Hey,

I'm wondering, how would you define a friend? From my point of view, part of being friends with someone means having an understanding that you give them time where you can when they need support because you have that mutual care and respect for each other; do you know what I mean?

[blueveronica]

I would define a friend as a companion who gives you a roughly equal amount of time, care, and effort as you give them. I think a lot of the time, people just vent to me and I listen but they don't give me that same listening ear. 

[blueveronica]

17 hours ago, mxhaxnaeem said:

Ohh-have you tried to talk it out with the people whom you feel like you are questioning your friendship with?

I talked about a similar thing with someone once and though he ended up being a scumbag I felt like since it was a "me problem" he got tired of me asking for validation. Maybe it's not a good comparison since it wasn't really a friend context, but what if it's my job to stop feeling this way instead of someone else's job to validate me? Or maybe I'm just gaslighting myself, I don't know  I do think I feel like I get the shorter end of the stick in all of my friendships like it just keeps happening and I don't know how to change it

[blueveronica]

I think I just realized that one of my friends tends to make everything about themself and that I know more about them than they know about me. I've also noticed that they haven't been communicating as effectively so if they don't text me today I'll try to confront them about that. Do you have any ideas on how I can do that?

[urfavekpopstan !]

1 hour ago, blueveronica said:

I talked about a similar thing with someone once and though he ended up being a scumbag I felt like since it was a "me problem" he got tired of me asking for validation. Maybe it's not a good comparison since it wasn't really a friend context, but what if it's my job to stop feeling this way instead of someone else's job to validate me? Or maybe I'm just gaslighting myself, I don't know  I do think I feel like I get the shorter end of the stick in all of my friendships like it just keeps happening and I don't know how to change it

Hey,

This isn't your fault. Your friends seem to be projecting it all on you. Also, a true friend would not get annoyed when you need them. If you want, I'm here to listen :)

[blueveronica]

13 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey,

I'm wondering, how would you define a friend? From my point of view, part of being friends with someone means having an understanding that you give them time where you can when they need support because you have that mutual care and respect for each other; do you know what I mean?

I posted this but I'm not sure you can see it so I'll put it here again: I think I just realized that one of my friends tends to make everything about themself and that I know more about them than they know about me. I've also noticed that they haven't been communicating as effectively so if they don't text me today I'll try to confront them about that. Do you have any ideas on how I can do that?

[Monsoon]

18 hours ago, blueveronica said:

I would define a friend as a companion who gives you a roughly equal amount of time, care, and effort as you give them. I think a lot of the time, people just vent to me and I listen but they don't give me that same listening ear. 

Hey,

Yeah, that's a perfectly reasonable expectation to have of a friendship. It sounds like they aren't really understanding that at the moment, and if you don't tell them, they might not realise; what do you think?