What to do about female relational aggression?

[patg]

Hi there,

 

I am 35 and am the type to have many circles of friends. I'm an ambivert, and INFJ Myers-Briggs type. In 2016, I invited my closest friends to my bachelorette party (mansion retreat in Canadian mountains). None of them had met before but most of them I've known for between 5 and 15 years, except for one woman who was a relatively new friend. Everyone hit it off. Four of us who live in the same city started doing "ladies nights" together after the new friend got all of their contact info. Well, then the newest friend started to get weird. She's ousting me and trying to make herself a "queen bee". This is all very juvenile to me. None of my friends are cliquey, but they feel sorry for her and want to help her grow as a person. My problem is that, the more I get to know her, the more I think she is a narcissist, a relational aggressor, and dare I say, a social poacher. I choose my friends carefully and have invested a lot of time and care into my friendships. This woman has ruined my friendship dynamics. She slights me in front of my other friends, makes rude comments, and makes me feel like the odd one out. She has stopped communicating with me 1:1. This has been steadily getting worse and I have decided that I do not want to see her anymore. I regret introducing her to my other friends. Any advice on what to do? I want her out of my life and do not want to confront her because she gives me the creeps and I'm afraid a confrontation would escalate things more. My other friends give her the benefit of the doubt. This woman is 40 years old and I don't think she has any other friends. She never mentions any other friends. Recently she came on a camping trip and made a comment about wanting to kill her boyfriend's ex wife because she doesn't want her to take half of his money. My other friends think she was joking but she said it so monotone. This is really creeping me out! I have had past experiences with relational aggression from women at work, but don't know what to do about this. She deceived and charmed her way into my life and everyone believes her sob story and excuses her manipulative/bizzare behaviour.

[patg]

PS The problems all started when she had tried to get me to do magic mushrooms. I told her that I do not do drugs but don't judge her for it (I'm of the opinion that people can do whatever they want as long as they don't hurt others, but don't want to be around that). She asked me several more times and I told her to please not ask me about it again. I explained to her that I know myself well and have no desire to do those or any drugs. I enjoy the odd glass of wine or beer. It was odd that she singled me out to pressure about this (also very juvenile, peer pressure crap). I think she was trying to exert control over me and got mad that she was unsuccessful. That's when she changed from the sweet, genuine facade to her true colours - control freak, manipulative narcissist.

[Monsoon]

Hey PATG,

 

Thanks for coming to Community with this.

 

I have had a friend like this before. He would put me down in front of others unnecessarily and it would make me feel awful. Like yourself, I did not want to confront him about it, but it was getting worse and would only continue to do so if I didn't do anything.

 

Anyway, when I spoke to them about it, I made sure that it was just us two and that we were in a neutral location (it was a coffee house). I made sure that I kept my tone calm in order to not be confrontational. It turns out that this bad treatment stemmed from their own insecurities, and they just didn't know how to deal with it.

 

I am glad that I did this because I now value our friendship and it means a lot to me.

 

I think it could be beneficial for two reasons: you could end up moving past these issues and have a great friendship, or it could be that you get the closure you need and decide that the relationship cannot go forward. Regardless, I think it is important to get to the bottom of it. It sounds like this friend can be very toxic, but as I said, you could get the bottom of it by talking, and then maybe decide if you want to go forward to the friendship?

 

I hope this helps ? let me know. I look forward to your reply!

 

-Monsoon.

[patg]

Hi Monsoon,

 

I appreciate you input, but I don't want to spend the time and energy to discus this with her. I don't see any potential for the friendship and she is a scary person who I do not trust. I am sure that if I confront her to discuss, however tactfully, this will be inflammatory to her. I am quite certain she will become very defensive and her behaviour will escalate into full out sabotage or social attack. My main issue is how to maintain my relationships with my other true friends now that she is around and is connected to them. I do not want to spend time with her but do not want to withdraw from my other friends. I'm hoping that eventually they will learn how she really is but it's very uncomfortable in the meantime.

[Monsoon]

Hey PATG,

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

If you feel unsafe because of her, then it is in your best interest to end the friendship. As I said earlier, I think it would be a good idea to communicate this to her, but maybe you could do it via message so you don't have to be face-to-face?

 

Also, if you can see what kind of person she is, then hopefully your friends will see it eventually. It may take a while, but I think it's one that you may just have to wait out.

 

I hope this helps?

 

-Monsoon

[patg]

Thanks Monsoon,

 

I usually like to tackle issues in a respectful and straightforward way, but not with this person. I know my friends will see her true colours eventually. It's just the meantime that is the problem. Fortunately one of my friends just had her second baby and another is in a new relationship after a divorce, so we aren't doing large group activities lately. It's nice to see them one-on-one, and hopefully the woman who was bullying will fade out of view over the summer "naturally". Thanks for your input!