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Am i a bad datemate? p1


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Hi everyone,

im...im a bit worried about my relationship. Don´t get me wrong i love my BF very much, he makes me feel better whenever im feeling down, finds a way to make me smile with a joke, making funny faces on ft. We have been together for so long now and i love every bit of it. But are just some things that i noticed in are relationship that frightens me a little. For example, when there is a slight misunderstanding about something he will apologize  repeatedly over something so small. Other moments when he will feel really dysphoric and i try my best to comfort him  with hug and cheek kisses telling him that i love him and that i love him no matter what, but on those day its like no matter what i do to help i doesn´t feel like im helping.  On times when he does $h when ever his thoughts get really loud, or something that happens at home, it makes me upset that i wasn´t there for him. I dont let him see that im worried because i dont want him i know he would apologize for $h sc@rs. I just want him to know that im here for him and that he doesn't have to apologize or feel that i would leave him over something small.

 

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Am i a bad datemate? p2

To add onto my previous post whenever im around someone for a while is start to mimic that traits like if i am with my really smart friend, i stretch out my vocab a bit and have a have informative conversations. When im with a really out going person i get really energetic and talk a bit faster. When im with my BF we like to cuddle and give small pecks on the cheeks (all the lovey dovey stuff) as well as getting anxious about things and second guessing my actions. Just like how BF does and that worries me because when i fist met my boy i was really i didn´t really feel thoes emotions as much as i do now, and i worry that one day that if my BF might have a really bad mental day i won´t be able to comfort him if im not mentally stable either. But i dont want to ask him for space, because he might think im breaking up with him when thats not the case. Im really stuck

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Hey @Gremlin Welcome to the Community.

I am Daisie a Community Warden here on the forums, and wondered if you feel it's beneficial to have a chat with one of our Trained Digital Mentors? I will tag them in so you know who they are and so they can reach out. @Blondie

 

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This post has been flagged with warnings, as follows: Self-Harm

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Hey, @Gremlin, it sounds like you really care about your bf :)

From the sound of it, your bf really cares about you and does his best to maintain the relationship. I can see that you really care about him the same way, and you're trying to maintain the relationship as much as he is. 

About the mimicking traits bit, it seems like you recognize that you reciprocate other's behaviors, which is a great start to realizing your actions! As an emotional empath, I've always been an emotional sponge, feeling others energy and emotions and 'absorbing' them in the sense that I feel their energy and emotions as if they were mine. One piece of advice I'd give to you is that when you see yourself mimicking others' actions, stop and think, and take some time to reflect on when it started, and take a few, slow deep breaths, and reassure yourself that these emotions and actions are not you, they're them. Focus and hone on your own thoughts and actions, and separate them from the others. If it gets too much, try talking to someone you trust, like a close family member or a close friend, or try talking to a therapist about it. Speaking from experience, therapy can really help. :)

About your bf, I'm sorry to hear that he harms himself... it can be really complicated to understand what kind of thoughts are going through his mind, and I'm speaking from a perspective of someone who used to self harm... My suggestion is to try to talk to him calmly about the problem when you're both comfortable and having a good time (e.g.: to lighten the mood when you're starting a conversation, try cracking a few jokes, or watching a show together, before moving onto the topic you want to talk about), and encourage him to be completely open and that you won't judge him. Since you're still together, I'm sure he already really appreciates your support and love, and would be really happy to hear it from you, that you really care about him, and wish for him to be happy. That's what you want for someone you love, isn't it?

During his dysphoric episode, you could try suggesting a distraction to him, such as watching a comedy show you both like, while cuddling. It could help! And please, don't beat yourself up too much. You're already doing so much for him, and you're willing to stick with him through so much more than what some people go through, which shows that you're indeed an extremely caring person. What you're doing is good enough, and I'm sure your bf feels the same. If you're still worried you're not doing enough, you should definitely ask him if there's anything else you can support him with.

I think that, if you're dedicated to help him, you should talk this out with your bf. It sounds like you've both got something really special here, so I think it's only fair that you talk things through and support each other. Please do know that this will get better over time, once you confide in each other. :)

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Hey @Gremlin

Welcome to the DTL community. I'm one of the digital mentors here and I give advice to those who reach out.

I can really sense how much you care about your boyfriend from what you've said. It sounds like you do a lot for him, and I'm sure he really appreciates all of that. You sound really responsive to his needs and in tune with his emotional state which is a strong foundation for any relationship. @Molly9090 has given really great advice, and I'm wondering what you think of that, especially the last part around talking it out with him?

Also, I'm thinking, could you try asking him what would help in the moment? It is in our nature to try and figure out what the person needs which can become stressful, but the thing is that people usually have a good idea of what will help them at that time, so try to tap into that :)

Speak soon. 

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Thank You so much @Molly9090 for your advice it gave me much needed advice and reassurance that i needed.  I will definitely try to using  more small distractions like watching a episode stranger things during lunch. (scene thats the only time we get to see each other) As for @Monsoon question my BF and are open about talking about things to each other, i can understand were hes comeing from for $h because i have has well before we started dating.. But i know he tries really hard not to $h and feel really bad when he does because he doesn´t want me to worry, when i help patch him up in the bathroom. Even if i dont completely understand i know that his thoughts can get really loud to the point the cant help but $h.

I just sometimes wish that when his thoughts really bring him down, i could comfort him with my word then my actions. (like hugs and cuddles) Its part of the reason i joined this space in the first place to be able to reach out to comfier other. Almost like i can give them a big hug through my words/withing my weather it over discord or in an email. I know what im wishing for might sound childish, and not something that happens over night its a skill  take time to master. Anyways thank you so much for your advice, i will work on my emotions more and try not to get absorbed in others emotions and get overwhelmed.  Cause i know where that can lead too. Thank you again i really appreciate your help @Molly9090.

 

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This post has been flagged with warnings, as follows: Self-Harm

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On 6/12/2022 at 3:55 PM, Gremlin said:

Thank You so much @Molly9090 for your advice it gave me much needed advice and reassurance that i needed.  I will definitely try to using  more small distractions like watching a episode stranger things during lunch. (scene thats the only time we get to see each other) As for @Monsoon question my BF and are open about talking about things to each other, i can understand were hes comeing from for $h because i have has well before we started dating.. But i know he tries really hard not to $h and feel really bad when he does because he doesn´t want me to worry, when i help patch him up in the bathroom. Even if i dont completely understand i know that his thoughts can get really loud to the point the cant help but $h.

I just sometimes wish that when his thoughts really bring him down, i could comfort him with my word then my actions. (like hugs and cuddles) Its part of the reason i joined this space in the first place to be able to reach out to comfier other. Almost like i can give them a big hug through my words/withing my weather it over discord or in an email. I know what im wishing for might sound childish, and not something that happens over night its a skill  take time to master. Anyways thank you so much for your advice, i will work on my emotions more and try not to get absorbed in others emotions and get overwhelmed.  Cause i know where that can lead too. Thank you again i really appreciate your help @Molly9090.

Hey,

Your wish does not sound childish; you're clearly a very kind and caring person, and that will be helping your boyfriend more than you probably give yourself credit for; maybe think about how he would be getting on without you - what would that be like for him? I'm wondering, with the self-harm, does your boyfriend have any safer strategies he can use to prevent him from hurting himself? If not, you could think about showing him our support guide here as he might find it helpful: https://www.ditchthelabel.org/15-safer-alternatives-to-self-harm/

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This post has been flagged with warnings, as follows: Self-Harm

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HI, @Monsoon

Yes, he does see someone for his mental health and $h, and has knows all of the different coping skills (probly even more). I think that when he $h its really easy to get cought in the moment with all the thoughts which doesn't really give  you the time to think about another things you can do. But the only times he does $h is only tiny relapse ( as do i),and when ever i do know that something is up i try to take him aways for the crowds at lunch for a new quite space to regroup to prevent him from doing anything when i can. I do appreciate your concerns monsosoon so thank you. ^^

 

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This post has been flagged with warnings, as follows: Self-Harm

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12 hours ago, Gremlin said:

HI, @Monsoon

Yes, he does see someone for his mental health and $h, and has knows all of the different coping skills (probly even more). I think that when he $h its really easy to get cought in the moment with all the thoughts which doesn't really give  you the time to think about another things you can do. But the only times he does $h is only tiny relapse ( as do i),and when ever i do know that something is up i try to take him aways for the crowds at lunch for a new quite space to regroup to prevent him from doing anything when i can. I do appreciate your concerns monsosoon so thank you. ^^

Hey,

I'm glad to hear that he is seeing someone and knows about all of the different coping skills; when someone is on a journey where they navigate self-harming behaviours, it can be very up and down, and it's normal to go through periods of self-harming a lot to then doing it just a little, if at all. It can be really demotivating and stressful when you go through periods of doing it again/doing it more, but the main thing is to be open about it, help yourself as much as you can and in the way that you know best, and get support from others where you can, and it sounds like your boyfriend is getting a lot of help; what do you think?

I'm wondering, what do you find helps with your own wellbeing? 

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