I'm nervous about telling my dad something.

[identitykitty]

So I have been dating my boyfriend for a year now. However he's been a secret from my dad. I recently told my mom about my boyfriend which I kind of regret because now she is forcing me to tell my dad when I don't to. My dad is racist and my boyfriend is black. I'm scared he will never let me talk to him again. My boyfriend is such an angel and a sweet soul. How do I tell my dad? Any tips for how I could do this? I'm scared, but I'm also tired of hiding to go see him and having limited time and such. I really don't wanna lose him.

[Blondie]

7 hours ago, identitykitty said:

So I have been dating my boyfriend for a year now. However he's been a secret from my dad. I recently told my mom about my boyfriend which I kind of regret because now she is forcing me to tell my dad when I don't to. My dad is racist and my boyfriend is black. I'm scared he will never let me talk to him again. My boyfriend is such an angel and a sweet soul. How do I tell my dad? Any tips for how I could do this? I'm scared, but I'm also tired of hiding to go see him and having limited time and such. I really don't wanna lose him.

Hey there, I’m Blondie, one of the support mentors.

I can see how tricky this is to navigate when quite rightly, you want to be open and proud of your relationship.

Do you have another relative / close family friend that would support you when you speak to your dad?

Also, as you are 18, will your dad be able to stop you seeing him? I’m wondering if you meant pressuring you / making it difficult etc 

[identitykitty]

Yes i told my step mom about it already. She supports me but my dad is a very stubborn person and i'm not sure he will listen idk. I'm really nervous about the whole thing. And I feel like he may stop me from seeing him because i live with him still. He always threatens to kick me out, and he is a person who explodes and jumps to conclusions before knowing the full situation. I can't keep the secret any longer not only because my step mom is forcing me to tell but also because I'm tired of hiding in secret and only getting to see him for barely any time. He's a strict parent, so would he really risk everything he's raised to kick me out? That means i'd be free to do anything but also might be put in danger because i'm going to have to learn things on my own. I feel like its a threat when he says he's going to kick me out, but not for sure. I'm also scared that he will stop me from seeing him or not let me go anywhere. I do have a job and errands to run all the time so I don't see how that would be entirely possible unless he watched my every move. I'm mostly scared of his reaction and if he lashes out on me the most. 

[Blondie]

6 hours ago, identitykitty said:

Yes i told my step mom about it already. She supports me but my dad is a very stubborn person and i'm not sure he will listen idk. I'm really nervous about the whole thing. And I feel like he may stop me from seeing him because i live with him still. He always threatens to kick me out, and he is a person who explodes and jumps to conclusions before knowing the full situation. I can't keep the secret any longer not only because my step mom is forcing me to tell but also because I'm tired of hiding in secret and only getting to see him for barely any time. He's a strict parent, so would he really risk everything he's raised to kick me out? That means i'd be free to do anything but also might be put in danger because i'm going to have to learn things on my own. I feel like its a threat when he says he's going to kick me out, but not for sure. I'm also scared that he will stop me from seeing him or not let me go anywhere. I do have a job and errands to run all the time so I don't see how that would be entirely possible unless he watched my every move. I'm mostly scared of his reaction and if he lashes out on me the most. 

That’s a completely natural fear given how well you know your dad. Even so, parents can sometimes surprise us with their initial reactions or how they change over time.

One of the things we regularly advise is to prioritise your safety. If you feel that you might get thrown out, have a back up plan ready.

I completely understand wanting to tell your dad but I’m wondering why your step mom is forcing this? Ideally everyone would be able to do this in their own time.

[identitykitty]

Well my mom stopped forcing me to tell my dad and i still havent told him. I think maybe my grandma would take me in if i got kicked out. So now im confused whether i should stand my ground and risk getting kicked out and having to go live with someone else or if i should just still keep it a secret. I think i would still be safe. 

[Melissa M]

U do what feels best for u. If u want to tell him, then do, if u don't, then don't force yourself to. If u do tell him, just remember that if he's a decent father he'll always accept u no matter what, if he can't accept u then he's not worth ur time. Make it clear to him that no matter his opinion, that is who u r and that won't change, and that ur proud of yourself for who u r, u don't need his acceptance to accept yourself. And if ur Mum's a decent Mum, she'll have ur back if he does try to kick u out x

[Monsoon]

8 hours ago, identitykitty said:

Well my mom stopped forcing me to tell my dad and i still havent told him. I think maybe my grandma would take me in if i got kicked out. So now im confused whether i should stand my ground and risk getting kicked out and having to go live with someone else or if i should just still keep it a secret. I think i would still be safe. 

Hey there,

I am glad your mom stopped forcing you to tell your dad; I can imagine that must have been putting you under a lot of pressure. I'm wondering, if you did tell him, can I ask what makes you think there is a risk of getting kicked out? Have you been kicked out before?