Chaotic attempts at understanding my sexuality

[Truetruepikachu]

Hi,

So I have been struggling a lot recently with coming to terms with the fact that I might not be straight, but I'm also not sure if I'm just convincing myself I'm gay because most of my friends are??

 

I have never had a crush before and because of this I think I might be demi aro/ace?  I talked to my friend about it and that was the conclusion we came up with, because I still want to have a romantic relationship, I just don't feel the romantic attraction without forming a strong connection first.  Even my (kind of homophobic) sister told me I was probably demi, which was very affirming for me :) However, I have been convincing myself that I am straight for around 3 years, even though I think I might not be, because I feel as though I cannot let my life be that difficult.  Coming from a very Christian, very homophobic family has definitely left me with internalised homophobia towards myself, but I don't know how to 'fix' it.  I am very close with my family and the idea of not being accepted is really hard for me.  This doesn't change the fact that I am interested in both genders, and I think I might lean more towards girls (the same gender as me).

This questioning was furthered as one of my closest friends came out as bi, with a girlfriend who is pan.  I was honestly so happy for them which made me stop and question, the same friend had a boyfriend a few months before and I was not this happy when she told me.  This left me confused and questioning my sexuality, and why this representation in my life meant to much to me when I've been telling myself that I am straight for years. 

I'm putting this out there on the internet in the hopes that someone who has been through a similar experience in some way can reach out and help me figure out what the heck is going on with me :)

[Monsoon]

Hey @Truetruepikachu

Welcome. I'm one of the digital mentors here and I give advice to those who reach out to us. 

I'm wondering, have you ever had any kind of attraction to someone else? If so, can you tell me more about that? Also, what is the internalised homophobia towards yourself like?

[Truetruepikachu]

hi @Monsoon

In terms of attraction towards anyone I have never really been seriously attracted to anyone, I don't think I've gotten close enough with any people who I potentially see that way.  I have probably had the same amount of attraction in general towards both genders, such as a "celebrity crush" (which I don't really understand the concept of but I guess its a celebrity you think is really pretty/handsome?).  But having no experience with really connecting with anyone in that way has not helped in terms of understanding my sexuality. 

The internalized homophobia mostly consists of feeling like I am making it up for attention and I am actually straight, thoughts like "You're straight, you thought that guy looked nice!" or "you just want to be like your friends so your making it up, there is not way that your gay." 

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

So, there has probably been attraction towards both genders in terms of a celebrity crushes before, and I'm wondering, can you tell me more about what that was like? What kinds of thoughts and feelings did you have towards them?

Also, thank you for telling me more about the internalised homophobia. I hear from a lot of people in similar situations that I support who feel they're convincing themselves that they are LGBTQ+ to be like their friends, and some people think it can be a defence mechanism because potentially acknowledging your identity can be scary. What do you think about that? 

[Juliasta]

14 hours ago, Truetruepikachu said:

hi @Monsoon

In terms of attraction towards anyone I have never really been seriously attracted to anyone, I don't think I've gotten close enough with any people who I potentially see that way.  I have probably had the same amount of attraction in general towards both genders, such as a "celebrity crush" (which I don't really understand the concept of but I guess its a celebrity you think is really pretty/handsome?).  But having no experience with really connecting with anyone in that way has not helped in terms of understanding my sexuality. 

The internalized homophobia mostly consists of feeling like I am making it up for attention and I am actually straight, thoughts like "You're straight, you thought that guy looked nice!" or "you just want to be like your friends so your making it up, there is not way that your gay." 

Hey!

I kinda feel the same way at the moment. I think I'm bi but just so unsure because i never had a big crush on a girl (same gender) or was like fr in love with like anybody meaning also boys. I do think that some girls are very pretty/hot but am not sure if it's just girls supporting girls or Attraction. But i think if you just give yourself some more time I'm pretty sure you'll figure your sexuality out. I wish you all the best and I hope you'll get some help here too.

[Truetruepikachu]

20 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

So, there has probably been attraction towards both genders in terms of a celebrity crushes before, and I'm wondering, can you tell me more about what that was like? What kinds of thoughts and feelings did you have towards them?

Also, thank you for telling me more about the internalised homophobia. I hear from a lot of people in similar situations that I support who feel they're convincing themselves that they are LGBTQ+ to be like their friends, and some people think it can be a defence mechanism because potentially acknowledging your identity can be scary. What do you think about that? 

With celebrity crushes it hasn't been any serious feeling, just thinking that they are hot/attractive.  I definitely think that it is possible it's a defense mechanism, I am very scared at the idea of acknowledging any identity that isn't straight.  

[Monsoon]

Hey there

Yeah, that fear is totally normal and understandable. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being super confident and 1 being not confident at all, how confident would you say you are that it's a defence machanism?

[aroacebananas]

Hey, don't worry! We're in the same(ish) boat! I, too, come from a queer/homo/lgbtq-phobic VERY VERY christian fam. And the internalised homophobia is 100% understandable (I might have that too). Whenever I see an LGBTQIA+ couple/relationship I GET SO HAPPY it's not even funny, especially if its someone I know. And so idk if I'm just an ally or not, but I hope you know that God loves you anyway! Sending support your way <3