Am I bi?

[Marissa]

 

Hi I'm Marissa. I'm 13 and there is this girl in one of my classes (who I am friends with btw) and I feel…odd when I’m around her. It's kind of hard to explain my exact feelings but sometimes when I see her walking through the halls or in class, I feel a stirring tingling in my stomach and I feel it travel up to my chest and to my hands. Sometimes I can feel my heartbeat, beating at a slow and loud pace through my ears.  Although I do have these feelings, they don't always come right away.  Sometimes when I see her these feelings don’t occur to me at all and I continue to do whatever I'm doing.  I think I may have a crush on her but idk.  We do have similar interests such as drawing and reading books and she is extremely attractive but..I don’t know. I took some tests and quizzes to determine these thoughts and some of them said that I was bisexual straight or bi curious, but I’m still unsure. all in all I just feel confused about my sexuality. Am I bisexual? Am I queer? Am I on the spectrum?

 

[Monsoon]

11 hours ago, Marissa said:

Hi I'm Marissa. I'm 13 and there is this girl in one of my classes (who I am friends with btw) and I feel…odd when I’m around her. It's kind of hard to explain my exact feelings but sometimes when I see her walking through the halls or in class, I feel a stirring tingling in my stomach and I feel it travel up to my chest and to my hands. Sometimes I can feel my heartbeat, beating at a slow and loud pace through my ears.  Although I do have these feelings, they don't always come right away.  Sometimes when I see her these feelings don’t occur to me at all and I continue to do whatever I'm doing.  I think I may have a crush on her but idk.  We do have similar interests such as drawing and reading books and she is extremely attractive but..I don’t know. I took some tests and quizzes to determine these thoughts and some of them said that I was bisexual straight or bi curious, but I’m still unsure. all in all I just feel confused about my sexuality. Am I bisexual? Am I queer? Am I on the spectrum?

Hey Marissa,

Welcome to our community :) 

I'm wondering, have you had a crush on anyone else before? If so, how did that feeling compare to the way you feel about this girl? Also, I noticed that you questioned if you're on the spectrum or not; can you tell me more about that?

[Marissa]

10 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey Marissa,

Welcome to our community :) 

I'm wondering, have you had a crush on anyone else before? If so, how did that feeling compare to the way you feel about this girl? Also, I noticed that you questioned if you're on the spectrum or not; can you tell me more about that?

Yes. I had a crush on a boy a few years back.  The feelings I had for him were a little more intense than the ones I felt about her because I was together with him more.  And about the last question, I have a few friends who are on the spectrum and I asked them a few questions about what that meant.  I searched up what is was and thought that maybe I was somewhere on there. 

[Monsoon]

On 3/12/2022 at 9:34 PM, Marissa said:

Yes. I had a crush on a boy a few years back.  The feelings I had for him were a little more intense than the ones I felt about her because I was together with him more.  And about the last question, I have a few friends who are on the spectrum and I asked them a few questions about what that meant.  I searched up what is was and thought that maybe I was somewhere on there. 

Hey,

Okay, so the feelings for the boy were a little more intense, but overall, would you say it's a similar kind of feeling for the girl in terms on the attractiveness? 

Also, can you tell me more about what spectrum traits you might have?

[Marissa]

\

On 3/13/2022 at 12:01 PM, Monsoon said:

Hey,

Okay, so the feelings for the by were a little more intense, but overall, would you say it's a similar kind of feeling for the girl in terms on the attractiveness? 

Also, can you tell me more about what spectrum traits you might have?

Honestly, I think it depends. Sometimes when I see her I don't really feel anything much but on other days I feel like my heart is racing and my hands are a little shaky.  So it may depend on the situation but I think I kind of have a similar feeling towards her on the terms of attractiveness. 

And for the spectrum traits I  looked at the Kinsey scale and " sexual orientation spectrum quiz. 

 

For the Kinsey Scale I feel like I'm either a 2 or a 4  and for the quiz I got somewhere where I was a little gay and a little straight but not bi.   Also sorry if I answered a bit late.

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

I think you might have a big clue about your sexuality in the first sentence of your reply; what do you think?

Also, can you tell me more about the Kinsey scale? Do you think your sexual orientation is linked to the spectrum? 

[Marissa]

On 3/22/2022 at 1:55 PM, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

I think you might have a big clue about your sexuality in the first sentence of your reply; what do you think?

Also, can you tell me more about the Kinsey scale? Do you think your sexual orientation is linked to the spectrum? 

About the first question I don't really see any clue about my sexuality in the first sentence of my reply.  Maybe I can see a bit of queerness but could you  go into a little more depth about that?

 

 So the Kinsey scale is a  rating scale used to describe a persons sexuality based on their experiences or response at a given time.  The scale is from 0 to 6, 0 being heterosexual and 6 being gay.

1 means "mostly heterosexual, only slightly homosexual,"  2 means "mostly heterosexual but more than slightly homosexual,"  3 means "equally heterosexual and homosexual,"  4 means "Mostly homosexual, but more than slightly heterosexual,"   and 5 means "Mostly homosexual only slightly heterosexual." 

Also I do think that my sexual orientation is linked to the spectrum. I am not ready to have a full on label yet but I can at least see myself somewhere on there.

 

Edited March 26, 2022 by Marissa

[Monsoon]

4 hours ago, Marissa said:

About the first question I don't really see any clue about my sexuality in the first sentence of my reply.  Maybe I can see a bit of queerness but could you  go into a little more depth about that?

 So the Kinsey scale is a  rating scale used to describe a persons sexuality based on their experiences or response at a given time.  The scale is from 0 to 6, 0 being heterosexual and 6 being gay.

1 means "mostly heterosexual, only slightly homosexual,"  2 means "mostly heterosexual but more than slightly homosexual,"  3 means "equally heterosexual and homosexual,"  4 means "Mostly homosexual, but more than slightly heterosexual,"   and 5 means "Mostly homosexual only slightly heterosexual." 

Also I do think that my sexual orientation is linked to the spectrum. I am not ready to have a full on label yet but I can at least see myself somewhere on there.

Hey,

So, for me, the clue is that you have similar feelings towards this girl as you've done to a guy in the past. What do you think? Also, do you think the Kinsey scale is right for you? 

[Marissa]

On 3/26/2022 at 6:48 PM, Monsoon said:

Hey,

So, for me, the clue is that you have similar feelings towards this girl as you've done to a guy in the past. What do you think? Also, do you think the Kinsey scale is right for you? 

Ok. So based upon what you've inferred about me I'm guessing you may think I'm bi.  I've felt attractions towards girls other than the one I'm talking about and with boys too but I'm still not sure though.  Sometimes I doubt if my feelings are actually there for her, feel like I'm lying to myself, or just forcing myself to like her to get attention.  I still do feel like I have somewhat of a attraction to the same gender however, but still very unsure.

If feel like The Kinsey scale is more specific and more detailed than the sexuality spectrum so I feel less unsure of myself when I use it to determine my sexuality. But after all it's just a scale.

[Monsoon]

11 hours ago, Marissa said:

Ok. So based upon what you've inferred about me I'm guessing you may think I'm bi.  I've felt attractions towards girls other than the one I'm talking about and with boys too but I'm still not sure though.  Sometimes I doubt if my feelings are actually there for her, feel like I'm lying to myself, or just forcing myself to like her to get attention.  I still do feel like I have somewhat of a attraction to the same gender however, but still very unsure.

If feel like The Kinsey scale is more specific and more detailed than the sexuality spectrum so I feel less unsure of myself when I use it to determine my sexuality. But after all it's just a scale.

Hey there,

It's just a possibility from what you've said. I'm wondering, have you ever lied to yourself about how you feel about something before? Also, is there a reason why you might lie to yourself about the way you feel about her?

[Marissa]

On 4/2/2022 at 6:44 AM, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

It's just a possibility from what you've said. I'm wondering, have you ever lied to yourself about how you feel about something before? Also, is there a reason why you might lie to yourself about the way you feel about her?

Yes I have but with other things outside of sexuality. I think I might lie to myself about the way I feel about her because sometimes I have doubts about if I'm even a little queer.  Like sometimes I think "there's nothing really queer about you,"  "you're just feeling this way because it's convenient,"  "it's just a phrase, you get over it,"  "Your too attached to her,"  etc.   So all in all its a lot of doubt. Also sorry if I answered late.

[Monsoon]

On 4/19/2022 at 7:56 PM, Marissa said:

Yes I have but with other things outside of sexuality. I think I might lie to myself about the way I feel about her because sometimes I have doubts about if I'm even a little queer.  Like sometimes I think "there's nothing really queer about you,"  "you're just feeling this way because it's convenient,"  "it's just a phrase, you get over it,"  "Your too attached to her,"  etc.   So all in all its a lot of doubt. Also sorry if I answered late.

Hey,

No need to apologise for answering late :) 

I think that it's really important to listen to these thoughts and feelings carefully. It sounds like they need attention and exploration, and even if it does turn out that you aren't bi in the end, it's good to explore. What do you think? 

[Marissa]

6 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey,

No need to apologise for answering late :) 

I think that it's really important to listen to these thoughts and feelings carefully. It sounds like they need attention and exploration, and even if it does turn out that you aren't bi in the end, it's good to explore. What do you think? 

Yes I agree. These thoughts and feelings have been bothering me for a while now and I think it would be very helpful for someone to give me advice and insight to help me answer questions that have been on my mind for months.  Also the question about my sexuality has been bothering me a lot lately and I think it would be best for me to explore my feelings.

[ScarlettJane119]

omg so first off hiiii marissa. so cool that youre sharing your story with people!! you seem super cool and hopefully my experience can help you!!

so when i read what you wrote, the first thought that came to my mind was "omg that was literally me 3 years ago". So i can 100% relate. 

when i was 13 i had this huuuuuuge crush on a girl from my dance class. like, huge. until that point, i hadnt even given my sexuality a second thought, i knew there were different identities out there, i just never thought that was a group that i would belong to someday. I was perfectly fine being a straight girl. hell, i even had two boyfriends in primary school!! (but lets be honest, those didnt last long xD) 
but then this girl came along *sigh* and my whole life was literally turned upside down. i was so scared and ashamed of what i felt. not because i live in conservative surroundings (thank god), but just because i really had the feeling that i knew myself. and then she came along and showed me that i had absolutely no idea who i was. so for a long time i was really struggling with mental health and anxiety because it really came as a big surprise. but then, i dont know what happened. it got better. i could just... breath. i had also slowly come to terms with the fact that i was a lesbian and that there was nothing to be scared of with that. then i developed a huuuuge crush on a friend of mine that is non-binary. which confused me. "what??? i'm a lesbian!!" i thought. it felt weird. i had finally gotten so comfortable with who i was, only for it all to get messed up again. but this time, figuring my sexuality out wasnt as hard. i decided to take it a bit easier, and just said i was lable-less. which worked for me for a while. until now. now, i have a huuuuge crush on one of my best friends (whos a guy) and im starting to realise that im actually pan!! cause looking back on all the crushes i had, it actually wasnt because of their gender, it was just because of who they were. and i didnt feel like limiting myself. 

my biggest piece of advice i got a lot in the beginning was: be chill. you dont have to have it all figured out. hell, i dont even have it figured out!! 
but i also get it. that wasnt the advice you wanted to hear. because youve heard it so many times. i know. which is why im giving you another piece of advice, coming from me. and thats not to just "wait and see" like they always say, but to try stuff out!! if you think youre bi, then youre bi! if you think youre pan, youre pan! just try out a label that feels some-what comfortable and work from there. just keep in mind that the label you pick now doesnt have to stick (take me as an example: straight --> lesbian --> demi --> pan-demi (now)). use the label you choose as a starter, get your feet wet a bit. because you dont need to worry about whether or not thats not the label thats "meant for you". you yourself will find out with enough time whats right and whats not. all it needs is a little push in the right direction. 

i hope this helps and i want to wish you a beautiful rest of the day. i got your back, girl :) <3

xoxoxo

 

[Marissa]

Thank you so much. This was really great advice. I'm in middle school right know  and I never suspected that I would have a crush on someone, nonetheless with someone the same gender as me.  I also hadn't give my sexuality a second thoughtAt first I was confused if I had platonic or romantic feelings for this girl because I didn't really see her a lot and we didn't really talk much  after 4 months into school.  I tried pushing my thoughts  aside and did my best to focus  my energy on schoolwork  because I'm in honors classes and a lot is expected of me. Though I did my best to repent them these feelings continued nagging me until one day I realized that I maybe just maybe I could have feelings for her.  I was disinclined to the fact that I may be part of  the Lgbtq+ however  because I thought that "there is nothing really queer about you." Also like you, I already felt like I knew my identity and  didn't need further  enlightenment on  any other aspect of it. 

But then just 2-3 months ago I started to feel stressed because I didn't know my sexuality and the question of whether I was attracted to girls or if I was just faking it has constantly been on my mind for 2 months now. Whenever I see a pretty lady on pinterest or a woman doing a thirst trap I wonder if I ever feel attracted to them.  It doesn't help that most of the people that I come to for help about my feelings don't give clear answers and say that "People can think someone of the same gender is hot or cute and not have romantic feelings for them,"   "You're going through a phase,"  or "I would have seen signs of you liking girls when you were younger."  I actually started to believe what they said, doubted my feelings towards this girl and women in particular, and complied to them thinking I'm straight.  They also though I was too young,  said that I didnt experince any of the stuff that lgbtq people have to go through, and some of them wanted to keep my mouth shut.

It wasn't until I finally spoke to my guidance counselor about this that I sort of felt more comfortable about myself. She didn't disregard my feelings, payed attention to the things I said, and suggested me going to diversity club.  Though she did say "be chill, you don't have to have it all figured out. Just wait and see. " That kind of made me feel a little disheartened and I didn't feel like that was the advice I wanted to hear.

I also had doubts labeling myself because I was worried  that if it was truly meant for me but after reading this I feel more comfortable about labeling myself. I know that sexualities can change over time and a lot of my lgbtq+ friends changed their identities. For example one of my friends turned was bi 2 years ago and now identifies as pan. And another one of my friends was previously straight but now identifies as queer.  

Now that I think about it I may be bisexual and I feel some-what comfortable labeling myself as that. 

Also thank you for being really sweet and kind. It made my day and I feel a lot better now. <33

 

[ScarlettJane119]

2 hours ago, Marissa said:

Thank you so much. This was really great advice. I'm in middle school right know  and I never suspected that I would have a crush on someone, nonetheless with someone the same gender as me.  I also hadn't give my sexuality a second thoughtAt first I was confused if I had platonic or romantic feelings for this girl because I didn't really see her a lot and we didn't really talk much  after 4 months into school.  I tried pushing my thoughts  aside and did my best to focus  my energy on schoolwork  because I'm in honors classes and a lot is expected of me. Though I did my best to repent them these feelings continued nagging me until one day I realized that I maybe just maybe I could have feelings for her.  I was disinclined to the fact that I may be part of  the Lgbtq+ however  because I thought that "there is nothing really queer about you." Also like you, I already felt like I knew my identity and  didn't need further  enlightenment on  any other aspect of it. 

But then just 2-3 months ago I started to feel stressed because I didn't know my sexuality and the question of whether I was attracted to girls or if I was just faking it has constantly been on my mind for 2 months now. Whenever I see a pretty lady on pinterest or a woman doing a thirst trap I wonder if I ever feel attracted to them.  It doesn't help that most of the people that I come to for help about my feelings don't give clear answers and say that "People can think someone of the same gender is hot or cute and not have romantic feelings for them,"   "You're going through a phase,"  or "I would have seen signs of you liking girls when you were younger."  I actually started to believe what they said, doubted my feelings towards this girl and women in particular, and complied to them thinking I'm straight.  They also though I was too young,  said that I didnt experince any of the stuff that lgbtq people have to go through, and some of them wanted to keep my mouth shut.

It wasn't until I finally spoke to my guidance counselor about this that I sort of felt more comfortable about myself. She didn't disregard my feelings, payed attention to the things I said, and suggested me going to diversity club.  Though she did say "be chill, you don't have to have it all figured out. Just wait and see. " That kind of made me feel a little disheartened and I didn't feel like that was the advice I wanted to hear.

I also had doubts labeling myself because I was worried  that if it was truly meant for me but after reading this I feel more comfortable about labeling myself. I know that sexualities can change over time and a lot of my lgbtq+ friends changed their identities. For example one of my friends turned was bi 2 years ago and now identifies as pan. And another one of my friends was previously straight but now identifies as queer.  

Now that I think about it I may be bisexual and I feel some-what comfortable labeling myself as that. 

Also thank you for being really sweet and kind. It made my day and I feel a lot better now. <33

ah yes i get what youre saying. i swear i cant even count the times that a straight female friend or family member told me "but i think women are attractive too, and that doesnt mean im into them!" like dudeee that is soo not the point. 
Im also super happy to hear you found a good guidance counsellor. i imagine that can help immensely. 

also, im glad to hear that i was able to help in some way or another. thank you for opening up, and you made MY day, too :))

you got this!!!! xoxo

[Monsoon]

21 hours ago, Marissa said:

Yes I agree. These thoughts and feelings have been bothering me for a while now and I think it would be very helpful for someone to give me advice and insight to help me answer questions that have been on my mind for months.  Also the question about my sexuality has been bothering me a lot lately and I think it would be best for me to explore my feelings.

Hey there,

Yeah, I completely agree that it would be good to explore and get support for those questions you have. I'm wondering then, where would you like to start? What is the biggest question? I'm thinking it's 'Am I bi?' as this is the title of your topic, but I thought I'd ask anyway! Just remember that it does take a while to understand who you are, and it can be frustrating to not have all the answers straight away, but they really do come with time :)