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Is this bad?


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I've put a TW on this just because of the themes of this post, sexual stuff, I dunno

Okay so, something has been really bothering me lately, I really don’t know how to feel about it, really need some advice.

So, at my university, I’m going for a job called Wellbeing Officer. One of the policies I’ll be inheriting from this years Wellbeing Officer is the push for compulsory consent training for all staff and students at the uni. I’m pretty sure whoever is reading this can work out what that entails but if not, it’s about consent and that being pressured or persuaded or talked or nagged into a sexual activity is bad, it doesn’t mean YES. And this policy brought a memory back to the surface and it’s been bothering me ever since.

I’ve spoken about this “friend” before, this online “friend”. I’ll call him Liam. A while ago, at least half a year ago, probably more, myself and Liam were on a video call and for whatever reason we were talking about masturbation. I’d mentioned to him that I was (am) asexual, had never tried masturbation, and was still confused about my sexuality and gender. I did know though that I was asexual to some degree and really wasn’t interested in masturbation, but (to a TINY degree) I was curious. The conversation was helpful but afterwards he offered to try and teach me to masturbate. I wasn’t sure and was like, eh I dunno if it’s worth it, my sister might hear me, blah blah. But I was kinda curious like I said so I said tell me more. He asked me if I was okay with him sending some randomly selected google pics of naked women and suggested that I could try and masturbate to them. In hindsight, they were gross photos, I mean gross to me, probably normal and not gross to someone who isn’t asexual. But I found them gross and cringy. After giving consent, I agreed to try and masturbate. I definitely did it wrong, nothing happened, I got nothing out of it.

But since I learnt about this consent training thing for the Wellbeing Officer role, it’s got me thinking about this. I feel like I never actually wanted to try and do that to myself, I didn’t like the photos he sent me, it took me a hot minute to actually get over this event, and I’ll even go as far to say that I really do regret doing it. He was only trying to help, and I did say yes it was okay to send the photos, but I look back and feel like it wasn’t right? I don’t feel right thinking about it. I don’t actually think I wanted to do that. I feel dirty and horrible and as though I’ve assaulted myself which sounds mad, but that’s exactly how it feels, as though I’ve assaulted myself. I’m guessing it’s the asexual part of me that’s thinking this. I’m repulsed by sex and anything of that nature, I really don’t like ‘sexy nude’ photos, I am grossed out by genitalia, it all feels so wrong.

So, is this bad? It’s bothering me a lot mentally.

 

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey there,

Thank you for sharing this with us. I just want to check in first and see how you're feeling about all of this? I saw what you said about how you feel dirty and horrible, as though you've assaulted yourself; they are quite challenging feelings to process, so I thought I'd see where your wellbeing is at right now - I hope you're as okay as you can be.

At the end, you asked if this is bad or not, and I'm wondering if you can tell me more about what way in which you're wondering if it's bad or not? This is just so I can make sure I'm along the right lines with my next response. Take care and speak soon. 

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I'm okay? I think. I don't know. I'm just quite confused. I'm not sure if I can describe the emotion(s). 

I don't know like, is what he did bad? I don't think so. This is why I'm so confused. I don't know. I really don't know. I don't know why this has suddenly bubbled up and started making me feel bad.

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I feel like it wasn't balanced, I feel like it was weighted towards him. He's quite good at that. 

I'm thinking about it and it could have been any of my friends and I'd probably still feel the same: regretting and wishing I hadn't done it to myself. But maybe it's because my friendship with him has changed a lot since then and not for the better. My my judgement is clouded? 

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  • Digital Mentor
38 minutes ago, Marv said:

I feel like it wasn't balanced, I feel like it was weighted towards him. He's quite good at that. 

I'm thinking about it and it could have been any of my friends and I'd probably still feel the same: regretting and wishing I hadn't done it to myself. But maybe it's because my friendship with him has changed a lot since then and not for the better. My my judgement is clouded? 

Hey,

I'm wondering then, do you feel like you were in control of the decision to try masturbating? If not, can you tell me more about why you don't feel like you were? 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Not fully, no. Looking back, i kinda feel like i did it just to shut him up? i dunno. Maybe I've just been overthinking it and wondering too much? I just wish i didnt try it

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  • Digital Mentor
On 3/24/2022 at 6:11 PM, Marv said:

Not fully, no. Looking back, i kinda feel like i did it just to shut him up? i dunno. Maybe I've just been overthinking it and wondering too much? I just wish i didnt try it

Hey there,

Yeah, it sounds like it was a really negative experience for you, trying the masturbation. So when he was talking about the masturbation, did he ask you repeatedly and did you feel forced at all? 

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Yeah he does repeat stuff a lot, with any conversation topic. Like he was making it into this big positive thing that I should totally try and it'll benefit me and this and that, and I just sorta did it and I didn't 100% want to. Thinking back on it makes me feel so uncomfortable 

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  • Digital Mentor
20 hours ago, Marv said:

Yeah he does repeat stuff a lot, with any conversation topic. Like he was making it into this big positive thing that I should totally try and it'll benefit me and this and that, and I just sorta did it and I didn't 100% want to. Thinking back on it makes me feel so uncomfortable 

Hey there,

Yeah, I totally get that feeling of discomfort, and I think you should listen to that feeling and do what you think is the right next step, and I'm wondering, what might that be? 

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Well, I haven't really spoken to him really in a long while, not for an extended period of time anyway, and I haven't video called with him in a long long while, so that's helped, having space and time away from him to process stuff. I think it's to just keep my distance, like I have been, and process my feelings. I mean I can't change what happened and I'm probably never going to talk to him about it. I don't think I want to either. So I guess really, just keep following my own path really?

Also, thank you so much for all your help on all my posts, I've been posting quite a lot lately <3 

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey there,

Yeah, it sounds like the distance has been really helpful for you, and I think my main message is that if you feel like you have been violated or abused in any way, then it's really important to follow that up and speak with someone who may be able to help in a more official capacity; what do you think? 

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hi, 

Hope you're doing well.

Yeah, I agree. I've had some time to think about it (It's been a while since I last messaged on here) and I do feel better about it now after chatting with you and have an Easter break to relax and be less stressed about other stuff too. 

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey Marv,

I'm glad you're feeling better; sometimes, all you need is to just talk things out because you then have more space to think about your next step, so I'm glad you're feeling better. Did you decide on what to do next? 

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