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Vent (kinda)


Emery
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This post has been flagged with warnings, as follows: Self-Harm

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I'm going to start off by saying that I'm not suicidal, and I only cut once and hated it. I'm not depressed, and I'm vaguely aware that I may have a mental disorder of some kind. 

So recently I've resorted to hitting myself in the hip when I'm sad. Or when I make myself uspet. There's no bruise afterwards, I'm not strong enought for that, but it still hurts.

And I don't want to tell anyone I know irl, because then they'll treat me differently, and I hate when people do that.

No one has to reply. I just wanted to get it out of my head, and I think this'll help

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey Emery

Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm glad to hear that you're not suicidal. I'm wondering, how long have you been hitting yourself for now? How do you feel emotionally after you've hit your hip?

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1 minute ago, Monsoon said:

Hey Emery

Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm glad to hear that you're not suicidal. I'm wondering, how long have you been hitting yourself for now? How do you feel emotionally after you've hit your hip?

A couple months now. Afterwards, sometimes I feel guilty, and sometimes I feel upset. It depends on why I wanted to in the first place. 

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I have a lot of problems when it comes to listening to rules that get set in place for me to follow. When I disobey, usually my mom gets mad and takes things away, but it's not losing the things that makes me upset. I guess it's more that I don't think I can handle her getting upset with me. It makes me feel worse when the rest of my family "turns against me", but they don't get mad, just kinda exhasperated, I think.

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16 hours ago, Emery said:

I have a lot of problems when it comes to listening to rules that get set in place for me to follow. When I disobey, usually my mom gets mad and takes things away, but it's not losing the things that makes me upset. I guess it's more that I don't think I can handle her getting upset with me. It makes me feel worse when the rest of my family "turns against me", but they don't get mad, just kinda exhasperated, I think.

Hi Emery, I'm one of the support mentors here and I know you're chatting to Monsoon so I hope you don't mind me dropping in the thread.  I can relate to what you said about not handling your mom gets upset with you so that jumped out to me.

It can be really tough dealing with other people's emotions and reactions and can leave us feeling really anxious. It can end up in a kind of cycle where we are almost walking on eggshells trying to modify our own behaviour. Is that how you (sometimes) feel?    

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3 hours ago, Blondie said:

Hi Emery, I'm one of the support mentors here and I know you're chatting to Monsoon so I hope you don't mind me dropping in the thread.  I can relate to what you said about not handling your mom gets upset with you so that jumped out to me.

It can be really tough dealing with other people's emotions and reactions and can leave us feeling really anxious. It can end up in a kind of cycle where we are almost walking on eggshells trying to modify our own behaviour. Is that how you (sometimes) feel?    

I don't mind you dropping in, @Blondie!

Honestly, yeah. I act differently around other people, I'm very me when I'm with friends, but at home I do feel like I'm walking  on eggshells, as you said. I didn't even realize until you said it. Just when I'm at home or talking with my mom do I feel like that.

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6 minutes ago, Emery said:

I don't mind you dropping in, @Blondie!

Honestly, yeah. I act differently around other people, I'm very me when I'm with friends, but at home I do feel like I'm walking  on eggshells, as you said. I didn't even realize until you said it. Just when I'm at home or talking with my mom do I feel like that.

🙂 

The thing I have found with this is it can become a situation where we are almost guaranteed to 'mess up' in some way as we overthink - over stress etc when we've adapted our behaviour as a default habit.

It's almost like we need to press reset as otherwise we can appear 'guilty' whether or not we have done anything wrong. Whole families can get stuck in cycles like this until someone breaks the pattern.

How comfortable would you feel with making some changes to try this approach?  

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56 minutes ago, Blondie said:

🙂 

The thing I have found with this is it can become a situation where we are almost guaranteed to 'mess up' in some way as we overthink - over stress etc when we've adapted our behaviour as a default habit.

It's almost like we need to press reset as otherwise we can appear 'guilty' whether or not we have done anything wrong. Whole families can get stuck in cycles like this until someone breaks the pattern.

How comfortable would you feel with making some changes to try this approach?  

I don't know. It'd be a good things to make some changes, but I don't know if my family would be super receptive of it. I'm the "problem child," they'd likely think I was purposely messing with them.

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9 minutes ago, Emery said:

I don't know. It'd be a good things to make some changes, but I don't know if my family would be super receptive of it. I'm the "problem child," they'd likely think I was purposely messing with them.

I guess there could be 2 ways to approach it: 1) you start very, very small changes 2) could you speak to your mom and say you'd like to improve things between you? If 2, I'd definitely suggest a time when you have her full attention, maybe even out of the house.  

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48 minutes ago, Blondie said:

I guess there could be 2 ways to approach it: 1) you start very, very small changes 2) could you speak to your mom and say you'd like to improve things between you? If 2, I'd definitely suggest a time when you have her full attention, maybe even out of the house.  

Option 1 would proabably work better, honestly. (option 2 tends to happen where we complain that we want things to change but no one does anything to change it)

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1 hour ago, Emery said:

Option 1 would proabably work better, honestly. (option 2 tends to happen where we complain that we want things to change but no one does anything to change it)

Okay - I feel that improving the relationship with your mom / family will also improve the hip hitting. Do you agree?

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23 minutes ago, Blondie said:

Okay - I feel that improving the relationship with your mom / family will also improve the hip hitting. Do you agree?

I do agree with that, yes.

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1 hour ago, Emery said:

I do agree with that, yes.

How does this suggestion sound for a 1st step?

Focus in on following one particular rule that's been set then once you've succeeded, mention to your mom that you've done it and that you're trying really hard. 

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