Jump to content

Asking for advice - coming out to my parents


CallMeCC
 Share

Recommended Posts

Hello, I'd like advice about coming out. Background is necessary here so this might be a long one ...

I (24, F) live next door to my parents. I am very close to them but independent. However, I do rent a house that is owned by them. 

I dated guys in high school and thought I was asexual but realised in the last few years that I am a lesbian (which I love about myself). I figured I'd tell them when I first got a girlfriend, which I did, and it didn't go well. I came back from uni after telling them on the phone and the following are examples of their reactions: 

- my mother crying and telling me "she decided I'm not one of those" (note that I was watching tv and she came into the room and said this randomly)

- my father telling me she is allowed to be upset because my one job in life is to give them grandchildren and adoption doesnt count 

- both my parents saying I'm not allowed telling any family because it is embarassing for them and being very upset when they found one of my cousins already knew.

It felt like my mother was crying every day and my father was upset with me for upsetting mum, though he did say "you're an adult and I cant tell you what to do." (Though then he had a race issue with my ex being "black", note they were polynesian, however that is a separate issue).

 This behaviour only stopped when my ex dumped me, but that seems to mean they pretend it didnt happen.

I know that they voted against gay marriage, and think parents not talking to their gay kids is justified because "it's hard for them, you dont understand". 

Skip to present, I'm very out and comfortable with everyone except them. A lot of family know, including grandparents, and I have an amazing girlfriend. Both of my parents have been upset over my pride flag, which is only visible inside the house, my dad berating me and my mother just criticizing it for being "annoying".

I am frustrated that we can be so close but I have to keep this part of my life hidden from them. I'm frustrated that they "refuse" to acknowledge what I feel like they already know. I dont want to go back to the last time they knew about me having a girlfriend because that was unbearable but I dont live in their house. 

I have incredibly supportive friends, the relatived who know are wonderful and know not to mention anything to my parents (though bless my grandmother for saying she is disapointed in her daughter). 

I would like to be open with them, but if anything they have become more conservative over time (very right wing and incredibly judgemental of anyone who thinks differently to them). 

Does anyone out there have advice for me?  I'm sick of having a duel life around them.

Thanks for reading, x

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Digital Mentor
9 hours ago, CallMeCC said:

Hello, I'd like advice about coming out. Background is necessary here so this might be a long one ...

I (24, F) live next door to my parents. I am very close to them but independent. However, I do rent a house that is owned by them. 

I dated guys in high school and thought I was asexual but realised in the last few years that I am a lesbian (which I love about myself). I figured I'd tell them when I first got a girlfriend, which I did, and it didn't go well. I came back from uni after telling them on the phone and the following are examples of their reactions: 

- my mother crying and telling me "she decided I'm not one of those" (note that I was watching tv and she came into the room and said this randomly)

- my father telling me she is allowed to be upset because my one job in life is to give them grandchildren and adoption doesnt count 

- both my parents saying I'm not allowed telling any family because it is embarassing for them and being very upset when they found one of my cousins already knew.

It felt like my mother was crying every day and my father was upset with me for upsetting mum, though he did say "you're an adult and I cant tell you what to do." (Though then he had a race issue with my ex being "black", note they were polynesian, however that is a separate issue).

 This behaviour only stopped when my ex dumped me, but that seems to mean they pretend it didnt happen.

I know that they voted against gay marriage, and think parents not talking to their gay kids is justified because "it's hard for them, you dont understand". 

Skip to present, I'm very out and comfortable with everyone except them. A lot of family know, including grandparents, and I have an amazing girlfriend. Both of my parents have been upset over my pride flag, which is only visible inside the house, my dad berating me and my mother just criticizing it for being "annoying".

I am frustrated that we can be so close but I have to keep this part of my life hidden from them. I'm frustrated that they "refuse" to acknowledge what I feel like they already know. I dont want to go back to the last time they knew about me having a girlfriend because that was unbearable but I dont live in their house. 

I have incredibly supportive friends, the relatived who know are wonderful and know not to mention anything to my parents (though bless my grandmother for saying she is disapointed in her daughter). 

I would like to be open with them, but if anything they have become more conservative over time (very right wing and incredibly judgemental of anyone who thinks differently to them). 

Does anyone out there have advice for me?  I'm sick of having a duel life around them.

Thanks for reading, x

Hey there,

Thanks for sharing your story with us. This sounds so tough for you. I’m glad that you do have a lot of supportive people around you to help you through this. With your parents, do you think they will always have these views, or could they mellow over time? Unfortunately, it definitely takes some people longer to get used to the idea than others, but for most of them, they do come around in the end. What do you think?

digital-mentor.png.37594766624d87064910e

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for your response. I thought they would mellow out over time but if anything they seem to get worse over the last few years, I.e. politics the conservative party they've always supported is no longer conservative enough. I'd still like to think they could come around eventually. 

My best friend thinks I should move away from them but what if I end up staying here? It is hard to move with a dog because the housing market in NZ is atrocious. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Digital Mentor

Hey. Yeah, I think it's good to still have hope. I guess that some parents don't know how to process this news, and it can take a while. I think one thing that definitely helps is trying to live your life as authentically infront of them, for example, being open about having a partner, because by hiding away, it kind of means they don't have to confront the truth. What do you think? 

digital-mentor.png.37594766624d87064910e

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I like how you put this. I want to be authentic around them. I think they have to know but are in denial about it. I'm just worried about any repercussions, like mum crying all the time again and yelling at me over nothing. I'm thinking of approaching my dad first this time instead of mum, although he is harder to talk to. I suppose it has to be face to face as well but somewhere I can walk away from when they take it badly (like last time lol). 

Thank you so much for your responses, I really appreciate ❤🏳️‍🌈

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Digital Mentor

Yeah, face-to-face will definitely be better - good idea. Would you like a tip for helping to process any potential repercussions? Also, at the end of the day, just remember that you are a gift to this world and that you will always get the best out of things when you put your full self into it. You are amazing, and it doesn't matter if someone can't see that because they have a problem with the LGBTQ+ community. That's on them, not you. 

digital-mentor.png.37594766624d87064910e

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Digital Mentor
21 hours ago, CallMeCC said:

Thank you, Monsoon. You've helped a lot ❤🏳️‍🌈

That's okay. Would you like support with anything else for now? :)

digital-mentor.png.37594766624d87064910e

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Digital Mentor

Okay, I think that you should just do it in the same way you did last time, or as similar to it as possible. Remember, the problem isn't the way that you tell it, it's their reaction, and that's on them, not you. What do you think? 

digital-mentor.png.37594766624d87064910e

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 2/19/2022 at 8:31 PM, CallMeCC said:

Hello, I'd like advice about coming out. Background is necessary here so this might be a long one ...

I (24, F) live next door to my parents. I am very close to them but independent. However, I do rent a house that is owned by them. 

I dated guys in high school and thought I was asexual but realised in the last few years that I am a lesbian (which I love about myself). I figured I'd tell them when I first got a girlfriend, which I did, and it didn't go well. I came back from uni after telling them on the phone and the following are examples of their reactions: 

- my mother crying and telling me "she decided I'm not one of those" (note that I was watching tv and she came into the room and said this randomly)

- my father telling me she is allowed to be upset because my one job in life is to give them grandchildren and adoption doesnt count 

- both my parents saying I'm not allowed telling any family because it is embarassing for them and being very upset when they found one of my cousins already knew.

It felt like my mother was crying every day and my father was upset with me for upsetting mum, though he did say "you're an adult and I cant tell you what to do." (Though then he had a race issue with my ex being "black", note they were polynesian, however that is a separate issue).

 This behaviour only stopped when my ex dumped me, but that seems to mean they pretend it didnt happen.

I know that they voted against gay marriage, and think parents not talking to their gay kids is justified because "it's hard for them, you dont understand". 

Skip to present, I'm very out and comfortable with everyone except them. A lot of family know, including grandparents, and I have an amazing girlfriend. Both of my parents have been upset over my pride flag, which is only visible inside the house, my dad berating me and my mother just criticizing it for being "annoying".

I am frustrated that we can be so close but I have to keep this part of my life hidden from them. I'm frustrated that they "refuse" to acknowledge what I feel like they already know. I dont want to go back to the last time they knew about me having a girlfriend because that was unbearable but I dont live in their house. 

I have incredibly supportive friends, the relatived who know are wonderful and know not to mention anything to my parents (though bless my grandmother for saying she is disapointed in her daughter). 

I would like to be open with them, but if anything they have become more conservative over time (very right wing and incredibly judgemental of anyone who thinks differently to them). 

Does anyone out there have advice for me?  I'm sick of having a duel life around them.

Thanks for reading, x

My Name is Gavin but you can call me Autumn I am 23 years old transgender girl 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 2/19/2022 at 8:31 PM, CallMeCC said:

Hello, I'd like advice about coming out. Background is necessary here so this might be a long one ...

I (24, F) live next door to my parents. I am very close to them but independent. However, I do rent a house that is owned by them. 

I dated guys in high school and thought I was asexual but realised in the last few years that I am a lesbian (which I love about myself). I figured I'd tell them when I first got a girlfriend, which I did, and it didn't go well. I came back from uni after telling them on the phone and the following are examples of their reactions: 

- my mother crying and telling me "she decided I'm not one of those" (note that I was watching tv and she came into the room and said this randomly)

- my father telling me she is allowed to be upset because my one job in life is to give them grandchildren and adoption doesnt count 

- both my parents saying I'm not allowed telling any family because it is embarassing for them and being very upset when they found one of my cousins already knew.

It felt like my mother was crying every day and my father was upset with me for upsetting mum, though he did say "you're an adult and I cant tell you what to do." (Though then he had a race issue with my ex being "black", note they were polynesian, however that is a separate issue).

 This behaviour only stopped when my ex dumped me, but that seems to mean they pretend it didnt happen.

I know that they voted against gay marriage, and think parents not talking to their gay kids is justified because "it's hard for them, you dont understand". 

Skip to present, I'm very out and comfortable with everyone except them. A lot of family know, including grandparents, and I have an amazing girlfriend. Both of my parents have been upset over my pride flag, which is only visible inside the house, my dad berating me and my mother just criticizing it for being "annoying".

I am frustrated that we can be so close but I have to keep this part of my life hidden from them. I'm frustrated that they "refuse" to acknowledge what I feel like they already know. I dont want to go back to the last time they knew about me having a girlfriend because that was unbearable but I dont live in their house. 

I have incredibly supportive friends, the relatived who know are wonderful and know not to mention anything to my parents (though bless my grandmother for saying she is disapointed in her daughter). 

I would like to be open with them, but if anything they have become more conservative over time (very right wing and incredibly judgemental of anyone who thinks differently to them). 

Does anyone out there have advice for me?  I'm sick of having a duel life around them.

Thanks for reading, x

I wish I was a lesbian 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Unfortunately, your content contains terms that we do not allow. Please edit your content to remove the highlighted words below.
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...