CallMeCC Posted February 20, 2022 Share Posted February 20, 2022 Hello, I'd like advice about coming out. Background is necessary here so this might be a long one ... I (24, F) live next door to my parents. I am very close to them but independent. However, I do rent a house that is owned by them. I dated guys in high school and thought I was asexual but realised in the last few years that I am a lesbian (which I love about myself). I figured I'd tell them when I first got a girlfriend, which I did, and it didn't go well. I came back from uni after telling them on the phone and the following are examples of their reactions: - my mother crying and telling me "she decided I'm not one of those" (note that I was watching tv and she came into the room and said this randomly) - my father telling me she is allowed to be upset because my one job in life is to give them grandchildren and adoption doesnt count - both my parents saying I'm not allowed telling any family because it is embarassing for them and being very upset when they found one of my cousins already knew. It felt like my mother was crying every day and my father was upset with me for upsetting mum, though he did say "you're an adult and I cant tell you what to do." (Though then he had a race issue with my ex being "black", note they were polynesian, however that is a separate issue). This behaviour only stopped when my ex dumped me, but that seems to mean they pretend it didnt happen. I know that they voted against gay marriage, and think parents not talking to their gay kids is justified because "it's hard for them, you dont understand". Skip to present, I'm very out and comfortable with everyone except them. A lot of family know, including grandparents, and I have an amazing girlfriend. Both of my parents have been upset over my pride flag, which is only visible inside the house, my dad berating me and my mother just criticizing it for being "annoying". I am frustrated that we can be so close but I have to keep this part of my life hidden from them. I'm frustrated that they "refuse" to acknowledge what I feel like they already know. I dont want to go back to the last time they knew about me having a girlfriend because that was unbearable but I dont live in their house. I have incredibly supportive friends, the relatived who know are wonderful and know not to mention anything to my parents (though bless my grandmother for saying she is disapointed in her daughter). I would like to be open with them, but if anything they have become more conservative over time (very right wing and incredibly judgemental of anyone who thinks differently to them). Does anyone out there have advice for me? I'm sick of having a duel life around them. Thanks for reading, x 1 MultiQuote Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ditch the Label Staff Daisie Posted February 20, 2022 Ditch the Label Staff Share Posted February 20, 2022 Hey @CallMeCC Welcome to the community! Just read your post and wondered if you feel you’d benefit from chatting to one of our trained mentors? I have tagged them in, so they can reach out to you. @Monsoon & @Blondie MultiQuote Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monsoon Posted February 20, 2022 Share Posted February 20, 2022 9 hours ago, CallMeCC said: Hello, I'd like advice about coming out. Background is necessary here so this might be a long one ... I (24, F) live next door to my parents. I am very close to them but independent. However, I do rent a house that is owned by them. I dated guys in high school and thought I was asexual but realised in the last few years that I am a lesbian (which I love about myself). I figured I'd tell them when I first got a girlfriend, which I did, and it didn't go well. I came back from uni after telling them on the phone and the following are examples of their reactions: - my mother crying and telling me "she decided I'm not one of those" (note that I was watching tv and she came into the room and said this randomly) - my father telling me she is allowed to be upset because my one job in life is to give them grandchildren and adoption doesnt count - both my parents saying I'm not allowed telling any family because it is embarassing for them and being very upset when they found one of my cousins already knew. It felt like my mother was crying every day and my father was upset with me for upsetting mum, though he did say "you're an adult and I cant tell you what to do." (Though then he had a race issue with my ex being "black", note they were polynesian, however that is a separate issue). This behaviour only stopped when my ex dumped me, but that seems to mean they pretend it didnt happen. I know that they voted against gay marriage, and think parents not talking to their gay kids is justified because "it's hard for them, you dont understand". Skip to present, I'm very out and comfortable with everyone except them. A lot of family know, including grandparents, and I have an amazing girlfriend. Both of my parents have been upset over my pride flag, which is only visible inside the house, my dad berating me and my mother just criticizing it for being "annoying". I am frustrated that we can be so close but I have to keep this part of my life hidden from them. I'm frustrated that they "refuse" to acknowledge what I feel like they already know. I dont want to go back to the last time they knew about me having a girlfriend because that was unbearable but I dont live in their house. I have incredibly supportive friends, the relatived who know are wonderful and know not to mention anything to my parents (though bless my grandmother for saying she is disapointed in her daughter). I would like to be open with them, but if anything they have become more conservative over time (very right wing and incredibly judgemental of anyone who thinks differently to them). Does anyone out there have advice for me? I'm sick of having a duel life around them. Thanks for reading, x Hey there, Thanks for sharing your story with us. This sounds so tough for you. I’m glad that you do have a lot of supportive people around you to help you through this. With your parents, do you think they will always have these views, or could they mellow over time? Unfortunately, it definitely takes some people longer to get used to the idea than others, but for most of them, they do come around in the end. What do you think? MultiQuote Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CallMeCC Posted February 20, 2022 Author Share Posted February 20, 2022 Thanks for your response. I thought they would mellow out over time but if anything they seem to get worse over the last few years, I.e. politics the conservative party they've always supported is no longer conservative enough. I'd still like to think they could come around eventually. My best friend thinks I should move away from them but what if I end up staying here? It is hard to move with a dog because the housing market in NZ is atrocious. MultiQuote Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monsoon Posted February 21, 2022 Share Posted February 21, 2022 Hey. Yeah, I think it's good to still have hope. I guess that some parents don't know how to process this news, and it can take a while. I think one thing that definitely helps is trying to live your life as authentically infront of them, for example, being open about having a partner, because by hiding away, it kind of means they don't have to confront the truth. What do you think? MultiQuote Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CallMeCC Posted February 21, 2022 Author Share Posted February 21, 2022 I like how you put this. I want to be authentic around them. I think they have to know but are in denial about it. I'm just worried about any repercussions, like mum crying all the time again and yelling at me over nothing. I'm thinking of approaching my dad first this time instead of mum, although he is harder to talk to. I suppose it has to be face to face as well but somewhere I can walk away from when they take it badly (like last time lol). Thank you so much for your responses, I really appreciate ❤ MultiQuote Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monsoon Posted February 21, 2022 Share Posted February 21, 2022 Yeah, face-to-face will definitely be better - good idea. Would you like a tip for helping to process any potential repercussions? Also, at the end of the day, just remember that you are a gift to this world and that you will always get the best out of things when you put your full self into it. You are amazing, and it doesn't matter if someone can't see that because they have a problem with the LGBTQ+ community. That's on them, not you. MultiQuote Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CallMeCC Posted February 21, 2022 Author Share Posted February 21, 2022 Thank you, Monsoon. You've helped a lot ❤ MultiQuote Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monsoon Posted February 22, 2022 Share Posted February 22, 2022 21 hours ago, CallMeCC said: Thank you, Monsoon. You've helped a lot ❤ That's okay. Would you like support with anything else for now? :) MultiQuote Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CallMeCC Posted February 22, 2022 Author Share Posted February 22, 2022 Do you have any advice for what I can say to them? MultiQuote Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monsoon Posted February 22, 2022 Share Posted February 22, 2022 Hey, Do you mean for when you share your news with them? MultiQuote Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CallMeCC Posted February 22, 2022 Author Share Posted February 22, 2022 Yes. Last time telling them that I have a girlfriend didnt go well. They seemed fine enough at the time but got progressively angrier and more upset over the next month. MultiQuote Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monsoon Posted February 23, 2022 Share Posted February 23, 2022 Okay, I think that you should just do it in the same way you did last time, or as similar to it as possible. Remember, the problem isn't the way that you tell it, it's their reaction, and that's on them, not you. What do you think? MultiQuote Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CallMeCC Posted February 23, 2022 Author Share Posted February 23, 2022 Thank you, this helps. 1 MultiQuote Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monsoon Posted February 23, 2022 Share Posted February 23, 2022 2 hours ago, CallMeCC said: Thank you, this helps. Glad to hear it! Would you like support with anything else? MultiQuote Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audumn Posted February 23, 2022 Share Posted February 23, 2022 On 2/19/2022 at 8:31 PM, CallMeCC said: Hello, I'd like advice about coming out. Background is necessary here so this might be a long one ... I (24, F) live next door to my parents. I am very close to them but independent. However, I do rent a house that is owned by them. I dated guys in high school and thought I was asexual but realised in the last few years that I am a lesbian (which I love about myself). I figured I'd tell them when I first got a girlfriend, which I did, and it didn't go well. I came back from uni after telling them on the phone and the following are examples of their reactions: - my mother crying and telling me "she decided I'm not one of those" (note that I was watching tv and she came into the room and said this randomly) - my father telling me she is allowed to be upset because my one job in life is to give them grandchildren and adoption doesnt count - both my parents saying I'm not allowed telling any family because it is embarassing for them and being very upset when they found one of my cousins already knew. It felt like my mother was crying every day and my father was upset with me for upsetting mum, though he did say "you're an adult and I cant tell you what to do." (Though then he had a race issue with my ex being "black", note they were polynesian, however that is a separate issue). This behaviour only stopped when my ex dumped me, but that seems to mean they pretend it didnt happen. I know that they voted against gay marriage, and think parents not talking to their gay kids is justified because "it's hard for them, you dont understand". Skip to present, I'm very out and comfortable with everyone except them. A lot of family know, including grandparents, and I have an amazing girlfriend. Both of my parents have been upset over my pride flag, which is only visible inside the house, my dad berating me and my mother just criticizing it for being "annoying". I am frustrated that we can be so close but I have to keep this part of my life hidden from them. I'm frustrated that they "refuse" to acknowledge what I feel like they already know. I dont want to go back to the last time they knew about me having a girlfriend because that was unbearable but I dont live in their house. I have incredibly supportive friends, the relatived who know are wonderful and know not to mention anything to my parents (though bless my grandmother for saying she is disapointed in her daughter). I would like to be open with them, but if anything they have become more conservative over time (very right wing and incredibly judgemental of anyone who thinks differently to them). Does anyone out there have advice for me? I'm sick of having a duel life around them. Thanks for reading, x My Name is Gavin but you can call me Autumn I am 23 years old transgender girl MultiQuote Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audumn Posted February 24, 2022 Share Posted February 24, 2022 On 2/19/2022 at 8:31 PM, CallMeCC said: Hello, I'd like advice about coming out. Background is necessary here so this might be a long one ... I (24, F) live next door to my parents. I am very close to them but independent. However, I do rent a house that is owned by them. I dated guys in high school and thought I was asexual but realised in the last few years that I am a lesbian (which I love about myself). I figured I'd tell them when I first got a girlfriend, which I did, and it didn't go well. I came back from uni after telling them on the phone and the following are examples of their reactions: - my mother crying and telling me "she decided I'm not one of those" (note that I was watching tv and she came into the room and said this randomly) - my father telling me she is allowed to be upset because my one job in life is to give them grandchildren and adoption doesnt count - both my parents saying I'm not allowed telling any family because it is embarassing for them and being very upset when they found one of my cousins already knew. It felt like my mother was crying every day and my father was upset with me for upsetting mum, though he did say "you're an adult and I cant tell you what to do." (Though then he had a race issue with my ex being "black", note they were polynesian, however that is a separate issue). This behaviour only stopped when my ex dumped me, but that seems to mean they pretend it didnt happen. I know that they voted against gay marriage, and think parents not talking to their gay kids is justified because "it's hard for them, you dont understand". Skip to present, I'm very out and comfortable with everyone except them. A lot of family know, including grandparents, and I have an amazing girlfriend. Both of my parents have been upset over my pride flag, which is only visible inside the house, my dad berating me and my mother just criticizing it for being "annoying". I am frustrated that we can be so close but I have to keep this part of my life hidden from them. I'm frustrated that they "refuse" to acknowledge what I feel like they already know. I dont want to go back to the last time they knew about me having a girlfriend because that was unbearable but I dont live in their house. I have incredibly supportive friends, the relatived who know are wonderful and know not to mention anything to my parents (though bless my grandmother for saying she is disapointed in her daughter). I would like to be open with them, but if anything they have become more conservative over time (very right wing and incredibly judgemental of anyone who thinks differently to them). Does anyone out there have advice for me? I'm sick of having a duel life around them. Thanks for reading, x I wish I was a lesbian MultiQuote Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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