How to figure out my gender identity

[soph ie]

An advice on how to figure out my identity? I did some research into different labels, but this just made me more confused with different definitions from different websites. I don't really understand the concept of binary gender without the presence of stereotypes. Its so confusing to me that some sites said that cis people can still experience dysphoria so I'm unsure if I am cis or if I'm under the trans umbrella in some way? (possibly non-binary but even thats an umbrella term) I know that she/her pronouns feel disconnected to me in a way, as if its someone else, but other pronouns are so new and alien to me , which might get better over time after some getting used to. I'm not sure how to experiment though as my parents are very transphobic and even if I were to come out to someone pronouns are only used when you aren't around, so it wouldn't change much for me. All I know at the moment is that I'm not comfortable with she/her pronouns (depending on the day), and I have no issue with people mistaking me for a guy (I have short hair and sometimes dress more androgynous/masc)

[Emberfrost12]

Generally, I think that there are two questions that can help you figure out your gender identity

1: Is your gender static. Do you think it might change over time. (If yes, you may be genderfluid or genderflux)

2: Do you believe that your gender is binary.

The answers to these two questions may help you figure stuff out.

[soph ie]

22 minutes ago, Wingedwolf12 said:

Generally, I think that there are two questions that can help you figure out your gender identity

1: Is your gender static. Do you think it might change over time. (If yes, you may be genderfluid or genderflux)

2: Do you believe that your gender is binary.

The answers to these two questions may help you figure stuff out.

Thanks so much for your reply!

1) I'm not too sure how to phrase it but I'll do my best. I feel like my gender itself stays relatively static, its more the amount of which I care about how I am percieved that fluctuates. Some days I feel only slightly uncomfortable when people use she/her pronouns, others it will make me really upset. But I don't feel any different about my gender day to day. Not sure if that makes sense? 

2) I no longer really undertand how binary gender works after doing more research. As a child and growing up, I always believed gender was based on stereotypes (I went to a Christian school and had a very traditional upbringing) so if you have long hair and wear dresses you are a woman and short hair and trousers you are a man. Obcviously as I got older and educated myself on this topic, this changed, wearing a dress does not make you female, but also left me wondering what actually defines male and female if not your style or other stereotypes? I don't know if this is me misunderstanding the concept or if it is a common thing among other people? How can I be sure I am female if female has no defining characteristics?

[Monsoon]

On 2/10/2022 at 2:25 PM, soph ie said:

An advice on how to figure out my identity? I did some research into different labels, but this just made me more confused with different definitions from different websites. I don't really understand the concept of binary gender without the presence of stereotypes. Its so confusing to me that some sites said that cis people can still experience dysphoria so I'm unsure if I am cis or if I'm under the trans umbrella in some way? (possibly non-binary but even thats an umbrella term) I know that she/her pronouns feel disconnected to me in a way, as if its someone else, but other pronouns are so new and alien to me , which might get better over time after some getting used to. I'm not sure how to experiment though as my parents are very transphobic and even if I were to come out to someone pronouns are only used when you aren't around, so it wouldn't change much for me. All I know at the moment is that I'm not comfortable with she/her pronouns (depending on the day), and I have no issue with people mistaking me for a guy (I have short hair and sometimes dress more androgynous/masc)

Hey there,

It sounds like you’re figuring it all out at the moment, and that’s great. Although it might not feel like it now, the journey of getting to know yourself is really exciting. One thing I will say is that it can take a long time, and I don’t think we ever stop getting to know ourselves. I think it can be quite powerful to work towards accepting that you don’t know for now, and that that’s okay, and will time, your knowledge will grow. What do you think?

Also, I noticed what you said about how it’s the amount of which you care about how you’re perceived that fluctuates, and I’m wondering, can you tell me more about that? 

[soph ie]

With my gender identity, I feel like it stays relatively constant, however sometimes I really struggle with gender dysphoria, other times I find myself distracted or don't even think about it at all. But I still feel like I'm the same person if that makes sense? I don't feel different about myself, I just don't notice it as much on some days.

[Emberfrost12]

On 2/10/2022 at 9:54 AM, soph ie said:

Thanks so much for your reply!

1) I'm not too sure how to phrase it but I'll do my best. I feel like my gender itself stays relatively static, its more the amount of which I care about how I am percieved that fluctuates. Some days I feel only slightly uncomfortable when people use she/her pronouns, others it will make me really upset. But I don't feel any different about my gender day to day. Not sure if that makes sense? 

2) I no longer really undertand how binary gender works after doing more research. As a child and growing up, I always believed gender was based on stereotypes (I went to a Christian school and had a very traditional upbringing) so if you have long hair and wear dresses you are a woman and short hair and trousers you are a man. Obcviously as I got older and educated myself on this topic, this changed, wearing a dress does not make you female, but also left me wondering what actually defines male and female if not your style or other stereotypes? I don't know if this is me misunderstanding the concept or if it is a common thing among other people? How can I be sure I am female if female has no defining characteristics?

I can see how that must be really hard for you.  At this point of time, binaries is more "Do I think of myself as a boy or a girl" And there are no defining chararistics. However, there is a higher chance that someone who identifies as female will gravitate to be friends with other females, and vice versa with males.

[Monsoon]

On 2/11/2022 at 9:13 PM, soph ie said:

With my gender identity, I feel like it stays relatively constant, however sometimes I really struggle with gender dysphoria, other times I find myself distracted or don't even think about it at all. But I still feel like I'm the same person if that makes sense? I don't feel different about myself, I just don't notice it as much on some days.

It's interesting that your identity stays relatively constant but then you struggle with the dysphoria. I'm wondering then, can you tell me more about the separation between your gender identity and the dysphoria? How are they connected and how are they separate? 

[soph ie]

I'm not sure. I think I see it as the way I experience and look at my identity personally. My identity is who I am, the dysphoria is more my opinion and how I feel about who I am. 

[Monsoon]

I'm wondering, do you think that the dysphoria is directly connected to your identity, meaning that by experiencing the dysphoria, your mind is trying to tell you something about your identity? 

[soph ie]

So my identity is characterised by dysphoria?

[Monsoon]

I'm wondering, can you tell me what you understand about gender dysphoria? 

[soph ie]

How I feel about parts of my body I percieve as too feminine etc., sometimes I feel more uncomfortable when people say she or use my birthname, or just the clothes that I wear. 

[Monsoon]

Hey. So, gender dysphoria can be explained as distress related to a desire to be another gender, and like their assigned sex at birth does not match their gender identity. Do you know what I mean? So, dysphoria is about your gender identity. 

[soph ie]

So if dysphoria changes, my gender is not static? 

[Monsoon]

Gender is fluid, but at most times, we have a good idea of our identity. Does that make sense?