How do I deal with myself?

[NAAM]

 How do you cope with depression and selfharm on your on? Does anyone have any advice on how to save myself from myself?  Because to be honest, I feel like I'm going crazy! I don't know how to express myself so that people understand me. No one really cares what I feel or think. I can't trust anyone around me anymore, because I've been betrayed and stabbed in the back too many times. It's too painful. I don't want to experience this again. So if you can recommend me something else instead of social or family activities it would be perfect. Because I'm tired of people looking at me with pity or obligation. People who say they understand how I feel and that everything will be fine. Or people who think it's not a big deal and that I victimize myself or just want attention. It's that true? Do I really just want attention or is really not a big deal? I don't konw. I can't even understend what I feel or what to do. I'm scared. I'm scared that I may do somthing stupid which it will make me regret it in the future. If there will be a future.  I don't even understand myself how can others say they understand me so easily? I used to think that once I grow up things will change for the better... But it didn't happen ... it got much worse. I have reached the stage where I simply can no longer open up to anyone. Not even the people I've spent my whole life with. I don't know what to do or who to ask for help. Every day I "put a mask on my face" and pretend to be someone else. Someone I don't even know sometimes... People around me think everything is fine, that I'm fine. They don't know anything about me. But again no one ever asked me... I also thought that suicide could be a way to end it all. I tried a few times and realized I was too coward for even comiting suicide. Pathetically correct? Too many things are happening. I can not take it anymore! Every time I raise my hope and feel that everything can go in a positive direction, something or someone simply crushes all my hope and positive thinking.  And once again, I feel vulnerable and disappointed.  So in short, what should I do to deal with all these feelings that are simply ready to explode at any time in the worst possible way?

[Monsoon]

Hey @NAAM

Welcome to our community and thank you for opening up to us. I just want you to know that you don't have to pretend to be anyone else here; we are here to listen to you and you can open up to us. Our community is a completely non-judgemental and supportive environment, and I really do think it will be good for you. I'm just wondering, are you safe at the moment? I saw what you said about suicide and questioning whether there will be a future or not. It's okay to be open about this; I think some people can find it scary, but we have your back. I hope to hear from you soon. Take care. 

[NAAM]

Safe? I don't know. How would you describe the word safety anyway? If by safe you mean, like, I haven't lost control of myself yet and I haven't done anything stupid, than my answer to your question is yes. Still, I don't know how much longer I can deal with it... Although I'm relieved to hear that you won't be judged in this community at least. However, I would like an answer to my previous question if this is not too much bother to you.  How should I deal with such feelings?

[Monsoon]

13 hours ago, NAAM said:

Safe? I don't know. How would you describe the word safety anyway? If by safe you mean, like, I haven't lost control of myself yet and I haven't done anything stupid, than my answer to your question is yes. Still, I don't know how much longer I can deal with it... Although I'm relieved to hear that you won't be judged in this community at least. However, I would like an answer to my previous question if this is not too much bother to you.  How should I deal with such feelings?

Hello @NAAM

Thank you for getting back to me so quickly. By safe, I mean feeling like you have enough control over the situation to avoid doing anything that may harm you, such as trying to take your own life. I'm wondering then, in terms of dealing with these feelings, what have you tried already? What works well and what does not work so well? 

[NAAM]

3 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hello @NAAM

Thank you for getting back to me so quickly. By safe, I mean feeling like you have enough control over the situation to avoid doing anything that may harm you, such as trying to take your own life. I'm wondering then, in terms of dealing with these feelings, what have you tried already? What works well and what does not work so well? 

I think it would be best to start from the beginning.  So, I'm a 17-year-old girl (I'll be 18 in a few months) and I think I'm having some kind of depression... (not really sure) Ever since I was a kid, I've been the kind of person who's shy and not very sociable. So, I didn't have many friends. However, I had someone I trusted and considered her my best friend. We grew up together. Our parents knew each other, so we ended up spending a lot of time together when we were little. Those moments were probably the most beautiful of my life. I had no problem, I was happy. However, this happiness did not last until the 6th grade. After I grew up, she changed a lot, she became much more distant, she started making new friends and little by little we became more like two strangers. She didn't want to have to deal with me anymore and I didn't know why. I thought maybe I had done something wrong, and I wanted to apologize even though I didn't know why things had changed so much. But it didn't work. She had changed and I realized that in all these years that I thought we were friends, she didn't consider me that way. So, I was probably too arrogant to think that someone like me could really have a friend. Anyway, that was just the first step. After that I didn't want to trust anyone anymore, and I became lonely. Then things at school and outside of it got even more complicated. I was bullied, people were talking behind me and so on.... My family doesn't know about this even now. Probably the main reason was that we didn't communicate much in our family. So I've never talked to anyone in my family about how I feel or what I think. Over time, this has become my daily life. I started to think about all sorts of things and feel extremely anxious around other people, even family members. In the 7th grade, a year later, I discovered from some relatives that I was adopted. I didn't know what to do then. I still don't know. I guess once I realized I was adopted, I became much more sensitive about everything related to family.  All this made me realize that if I keep everything closed in me and pretend I'm okay people will really believe this. So, I just did so. After all the drama in the 6th and 7th grade, I kept pretending to be someone else and lying that I was okay with everything that would happen to me. I don't know if it really makes sense... In my adoptive family are me, my mother, my older sister, and my older brother. My older siblings are already married and have their own family. So, only my mother and I are left. My adoptive mother is very emotional and tends to worry about every little thing, so I didn't want to be a nuisance and get emotionally unloaded on her.  After a while, my siblings found a common job in a foreign country. They suggested that my mother and I move in with them and live together as a family again. And we said yes. My reason was probably totally different from theirs. For me, it was more of a chance to get rid of all the nightmares I lived in every day and start over in a completely different place, where no one knew who I was. So we did it. But it wasn't as I expected. Even here, where no one knew me, even though the bullying was over, I was still alone.Of course, I tried to make new friends, make new relationships with other people my age, and lead a normal teenage life like everyone else. But you see, that didn't work either. I met all sorts of people, fake people who smiled in front of you and gossiped at you from behind,racism, people who, when I opened up in front of them a little, they move away from me and I am left alone again. People who are with you only when they have something to benefit from and abandon you when you need it most...etc. However, after all this, I simply started not to trust anyone. I created this fake image of a sweet and cute girl who never complains. I thought that way people would like me at least a little bit.. But the fact that I kept all these feelings in me simply led to behaviors that were probably not healthy. I tried to hurt myself voluntarily, just to see if anyone noticed that I was not well, I tried to get their attention and tell them in a subtle way that I AM NOT OK, but no one seemed to take me seriously or to care. So i gave up. When things don't go well at school or in the family, I pretend it doesn't affect me but I would hide in the room in the evening and cry. Then I try to deal with the pain inside, hurting me on the surface. I started to cut myself and event I tried to drown my pain in alcohol, although I knew very well that this would not help me at all, but it would make my situation worse. Eventually I thought that the simplest way would be to put an end to everything. So I tried to commit suicide, but I was too cowardly and couldn't do it. I thought that once I became an adult and my family was no longer responsible for my actions, I would simply be able to disappear without being a burden to anyone else. I feel like a piece of glass right now. I feel that if something metaphorically spoken hits me again, I will break. And this thought simply scares me... As you can see I have already tried to talk to someone about it but it didn't work, I tried to distract myself from the pain by other means but that made the situation worse. Even if I keep telling myself that what I'm doing is wrong, I can't stop myself. Of course I tried other healthier means, I tried to find a hobby that would keep me busy or focus more on learning and close all these feelings somewhere in the corner of my heart. And it worked for a while. But now I can't even do that. Looks like I can't even enjoy it anymore. I do not know what to do anymore. Sometimes I feel like I'm just a spectator to my own life. It's that normal? (sorry for the long story, and thank you for your interest and time for someone like me)

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

Thank you for sharing all of this with me. Finding out that you are adopted is a really significant moment and can lead to questions about your sense of belonging, self-worth, and even how you relate to others and the levels of trust you have. It really sounds like you’ve been through a lot and that a coping mechanism was to distance yourself from you if that makes sense? I picked up on what you said about pretending that you were okay and also generating a fake image in order to cope. In a way, it sounds like you separated yourself from your own experiences. What do you think about that? 

[NAAM]

2 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Thank you for sharing all of this with me. Finding out that you are adopted is a really significant moment and can lead to questions about your sense of belonging, self-worth, and even how you relate to others and the levels of trust you have. It really sounds like you’ve been through a lot and that a coping mechanism was to distance yourself from you if that makes sense? I picked up on what you said about pretending that you were okay and also generating a fake image in order to cope. In a way, it sounds like you separated yourself from your own experiences. What do you think about that? 

That seems like a nicer way to put it. It is easier to run away from problems than to face them. So I think that this whole facade that I create is just to run away from reality, probably, or rather, it's like wearing armor that protects me from others. Without it I feel like I'm staying naked in front of everyone. I just wanted to have a normal life as a teenager, so I thought that maybe if I changed my way of being and tried harder to be like everyone else, I could have been accepted. If that makes sense... However, no matter what I do, nothing seems to change in my social life. It seems that whatever I do is not important to others. Everyone seems too busy with their own things to make time for me.  Every time I try to create a social relationship with someone, it doesn't last long.  And I'm left alone, with no one else to rely on when I need it most. I know, it probably sounds childish or it doesn't seem like a big deal, but being on my own every time and trying to handle all the problems inside of myself feels so suffocating.  Now that I think about it, I guess that somewhere along the way I started to be afraid of society... I started to believe that no matter what, I will never be able to have 100% faith in a person, no matter who.  Though, I'm probably the only one to blame for everything that happens to me...

[Monsoon]

Yeah, I think you explained it perfectly there; you have created the fake image as an armour to protect you from others. As you said, you struggled with trust, and the armour has worked as a defence for that. I think that you grew up in challenging circumstances, and it's completely normal to develop a defence mechanism like this. Instinctively, we do what we have to do in order to cope with the situation at hand. What do you think? I noticed what you said about changing yourself to be like everyone else, and I'm thinking, you've changed yourself a lot, and now might be the time to reconnect with who you are and live more as the real you. What do you think? 

[NAAM]

On 2/9/2022 at 7:16 PM, Monsoon said:

Yeah, I think you explained it perfectly there; you have created the fake image as an armour to protect you from others. As you said, you struggled with trust, and the armour has worked as a defence for that. I think that you grew up in challenging circumstances, and it's completely normal to develop a defence mechanism like this. Instinctively, we do what we have to do in order to cope with the situation at hand. What do you think? I noticed what you said about changing yourself to be like everyone else, and I'm thinking, you've changed yourself a lot, and now might be the time to reconnect with who you are and live more as the real you. What do you think? 

I find it as a bit of a challenge. Doing this is more like a "no go" for me. Sure, I would like to be more honest with those around me, not only when it comes to how I feel, about things in general, but the thing is, all of this has become a part of my life. And honestly, I don't even know who I really am anymore. Do you know that moment when you lie so much that even you start believing what you say?  Well, that could be a little bit similar to this situation... So, although at the moment it seems quite difficult to get out of my comfort zone and maybe try to say what I think without thinking about the consequences, for example, I do not think that in this situation I would be able to do such a thing. But I'd like to consider that .

[Monsoon]

Yeah, you made a really good point about how when you lie about yourself so much, it’s hard to then know who you actually are. I think there are two ways you can look at this, you can see it as something to be fearful of and get bogged down with it, or you can think about it more positively and see the excitement in a future of being your authentic self. What do you think about that? 

Also, I noticed what you said about how this is a no go, and I’m wondering, can you tell me more about that?

[NAAM]

On 2/11/2022 at 7:36 PM, Monsoon said:

Yeah, you made a really good point about how when you lie about yourself so much, it’s hard to then know who you actually are. I think there are two ways you can look at this, you can see it as something to be fearful of and get bogged down with it, or you can think about it more positively and see the excitement in a future of being your authentic self. What do you think about that? 

Also, I noticed what you said about how this is a no go, and I’m wondering, can you tell me more about that?

It's true that I may not have looked at things in a very positive way. So you may be right when you say that depending on how you look at things, they may have different meanings (in a positive or negative way). That reminds me of something I've heard about before. It was something like: "There is a glass that contains water only halfway. Do you see the glass as half empty or half full?" In my case, although I try to be as positive as possible and overlook some things in my life, somehow I manage to get demoralized or something happens and I start thinking again about the worst possible scenarios... And that's kind of frustrating because that's starting to happen more and more often and I feel like... whatever I do, finding the positive side of things has become more difficult. 

And as for what I said earlier about being myself, it's "a no go", that's more because I don't want to feel vulnerable in front of anyone, again. You already know that I've had some segments of my life that have marked me in a way or another. Honestly, I don't want to go through something like this again, so I would rather just "to play the social relationship" and to keep everything to minimum,  than to involve my body and soul in something which I know, I'll be the only one who will suffer after.

[Monsoon]

Yeah, it's a really interesting point about how your life can change depending on the way you look at things. Is your life a glass that's half empty of half full? I think that it gets to the point where we have to put ourselves back in the drivers seat of our own happiness and destiny, and I think that now is your time to take charge again. What do you think?

Also, I'm wondering, if you did show the vulnerability infront of people again, how might your life be different?

[NAAM]

8 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Yeah, it's a really interesting point about how your life can change depending on the way you look at things. Is your life a glass that's half empty of half full? I think that it gets to the point where we have to put ourselves back in the drivers seat of our own happiness and destiny, and I think that now is your time to take charge again. What do you think?

Also, I'm wondering, if you did show the vulnerability infront of people again, how might your life be different?

I want to take control of things again, but I don't know how.

And about the vulnerability thing... That's a pretty difficult question... If I were to show my vulnerable side to anyone again, things would definitely change. All these years I've been pretending to be someone else, showing that everything was actually fake, may make those who thought they knew me, behave differently than they used to. For example, they would look at me with the kind of look of pity and say the same empty words that I've keep hearing "I understand how you feel" or "everything will be fine." I really care what I look like in the eyes of others. Especially when it comes to someone I care about. The fact that I disarm myself in front of everyone and show them what kind of pathetic and pitiful person hides behind masks, makes me feel helpless in a way. 

And there's another problem. If I let my guard down again and trust someone or something, I'm afraid I'll be hurt again and disappointed. It's not exactly a pleasant feeling when you hope and trust like an idiot in something or someone and in the end all your brightly colored loop full of happiness and hope breaks and you realize that the world is again in shades of black and white.

[Monsoon]

Hey. I'm wondering, do you know people in your life who are more vulnerable than others you know? If so, can you describe your relationship with both? 

[NAAM]

10 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey. I'm wondering, do you know people in your life who are more vulnerable than others you know? If so, can you describe your relationship with both? 

Both? You mean, with someone who's not vulnerable, and someone who is?

If so, I would say that my stepmother is a vulnerable person. She is a very emotional person so she often let others take the actions (my step siblings) in her place, she doesn't really get angry so often and she doesn't  interfere too much with my life... So, even if we don't spend too much time together, when we do, I try not to make her worry too much. You could say I'm trying to be as careful and cautious as possible 'cause I don't want to do anything that could hurt her.  As for the "non-vulnerable" people in my life, I behave less thoughtfully, we do normal things (It's not like I don't do normal things with my mom too) and I don't think too much before acting.

Same as in my mother's case, I don't want to hurt them in any way, so I don't communicate much with them.

[Monsoon]

You made really good points there. So, when someone is more vulnerable and open with you, you get an insight into how their mind works, and therefore, you can become more considerate and thoughtful. I'm wondering, how would you describe your relationship with your stepmother in one word, and the relationship with the non-vulnerable people in one word as well? 

[NAAM]

14 hours ago, Monsoon said:

You made really good points there. So, when someone is more vulnerable and open with you, you get an insight into how their mind works, and therefore, you can become more considerate and thoughtful. I'm wondering, how would you describe your relationship with your stepmother in one word, and the relationship with the non-vulnerable people in one word as well? 

non-vulnerable people - unstable

Stepmother - caring

By the way, I've been thinking about something. All these questions are supposed to make me see how it is to be in others shoes and to make me understand better how they would behave towards me?  Because if that's the case, I don't think it will help me at all. I already know that it is human nature to have empathy for the weak or vulnerable, and to give them special treatment (in a way), but I don't need anyone's mercy or sympathy. On the contrary, it would make me feel much more ashamed of myself. And that not what I want.

[Monsoon]

Hey there. 

So, the reason I'm asking these questions is because I noticed what you said about how being vulnerable may make people see you differently, in a more negative way. Therefore, I wanted to explore how you view your relationships with people who are open and vulnerable in your life, compared to those who are not. By the way, when I talk about being vulnerable, I just want to make it clear that I mean people who are vulnerable enough to open up and be their authentic self - is that what you thought I meant? If not, can you explain how you would define vulnerability?

[NAAM]

On 2/16/2022 at 1:04 PM, Monsoon said:

Hey there. 

So, the reason I'm asking these questions is because I noticed what you said about how being vulnerable may make people see you differently, in a more negative way. Therefore, I wanted to explore how you view your relationships with people who are open and vulnerable in your life, compared to those who are not. By the way, when I talk about being vulnerable, I just want to make it clear that I mean people who are vulnerable enough to open up and be their authentic self - is that what you thought I meant? If not, can you explain how you would define vulnerability?

I don't know how to describe the vulnerability better than you have already done. So to understand, are you saying that being vulnerable is a good thing?  Because I don't agree.  Being vulnerable means that you are weak, easy to crush and manipulate. People will always take advantage of the vulnerable, and I hate this!  Nothing good comes from being vulnerable.  At least not in the environment where I live.

[Monsoon]

22 hours ago, NAAM said:

I don't know how to describe the vulnerability better than you have already done. So to understand, are you saying that being vulnerable is a good thing?  Because I don't agree.  Being vulnerable means that you are weak, easy to crush and manipulate. People will always take advantage of the vulnerable, and I hate this!  Nothing good comes from being vulnerable.  At least not in the environment where I live.

Hey there. Can you tell me more about why nothing good comes from being authentic and open in the environment you live in?

[NAAM]

On 2/18/2022 at 5:54 PM, Monsoon said:

Hey there. Can you tell me more about why nothing good comes from being authentic and open in the environment you live in?

That's because people in my family and people around me like to make fun of those who are different from them. They probably don't realize that words spoken so carelessly can hurt more than violence.  And it's probably because of the culture I come from, but to be open with someone I see maybe every day it makes me feel judged.  They are not bad people but they tend to be  insensitive when they say their opinion about something. 

[Monsoon]

Hey,

Yeah, I think that’s the big risk when you decide to start living authentically where other people like you aren’t widely accepted in your community. I’m wondering, even though that is tough to deal with, what would you say the benefits might be to living as your true self? 

[NAAM]

On 2/28/2022 at 4:25 PM, Monsoon said:

Hey,

Yeah, I think that’s the big risk when you decide to start living authentically where other people like you aren’t widely accepted in your community. I’m wondering, even though that is tough to deal with, what would you say the benefits might be to living as your true self? 

I don't know. Maybe it wouldn't be so much stress and could lead to that feeling of freedom or something. But even if I were myself, I still wouldn't be able to benefit from it. Because I have nothing special or interesting about me. I'm  boring , ugly, shy, antisocial.... "Insipid, colorless, odorless" So eventually even the people closest to me could easily abandon me because I had nothing to offer.

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

I noticed the way you described yourself and it seems like you're being really unkind to yourself. I'm wondering, can you describe yourself using three positive words? Also, do you think there is a real chance of your family abandoning you? 

[NAAM]

On 3/2/2022 at 5:13 PM, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

I noticed the way you described yourself and it seems like you're being really unkind to yourself. I'm wondering, can you describe yourself using three positive words? Also, do you think there is a real chance of your family abandoning you? 

Yes, i do think there could be a chance of that, and if not them, then I'll sure be the one to do that. 

And does it really matter?  I mean, nobody really cares about my positive traits or anything like that.  It won't help me with anything, and I have more flaws than good things about me anyway.

But thank you. I know now what to do.  So you don't need to keep wasting your time with me.