Coming out/ranting about my mother

[Emmabobemma]

I’m bi and I have come out to my two best friends. I really want to come out to someone else-especially my mom- but I know it isn’t a good idea. Almost everyone I know that I could come out to is either really homophonic or can’t keep a secret. I’ve been thinking about telling my aunt. Her sister is gay and I think she supports the lgbtqia+  community. I want to come out but I don’t think I’m ready for a negative reaction. I’m a perfectionist and I really care about what people think of me and I know a lot of people who would like me less if they found out I wasn’t straight. I want to tell my mom but she’s really homophobic. She says she supports gay and lesbian people (because she thinks that’s the only kind of gay you can be) but she is openly very transphobic. I have a group of friends who call me the token straight and my mom found out about it and would tell me things like she’s glad I’m straight or she used to say that she doesn’t care if I’m gay she just really wants me to me straight. I think that she would still love me. My safety isn’t an issue with her. I just wish I could tell her and she would still like me the same. I don’t know. My mom also has bad mood swings where she yells at me a lot. She takes a lot out on me and she is a narcissist and doesn’t think that anybody else matters but herself. I think that’s why it’s hard to tell her things sometimes. She makes everything look so small compared to her. As if it’s nothing and if you’re going through something it’s nothing compared to what she is going through. I think sometimes she just want people to have sympathy for her. It makes me feel like my problems aren’t important. It is rare to go one day without her going through a flash of rage and yelling at me. I don’t do anything wrong she just gets mad sometimes. There are some days that she doesn’t yell. Those are good days. Other days she’ll yell at me a few times. One time in fifth grade I ran away. It wasn’t even one of our big fights. She just got so worked up that she got in my face and screamed you’re a bitch I fucking  hate you. My dad isn’t in the picture so I sank down to the floor and thought about how neither of my parents loved me. I ran away and came back  and hour later. I just walked around town and cried. My mom held it over my head and still does she’ll say she’ll call the cops if I leave and I can explain to them what I did. Sometimes it’s hard to be around her. Whenever she yells at me I just sit there and I say ok to whatever she says. If I yell back or say anything it gets worse. I know I’ve gotten off track I just needed to get that off my chest. Anyways I’m scared to come out to a lot of people but I’m thinking of coming out to my aunt. I think I’ll do it soon but I don’t know when I’ll see her next. I could text her because my mom is usually around me whenever i’m around my aunt in person. And if I use Snapchat it will delete and my mom won’t see it. Okay I’m done ranting thanks for listening if you read this. 

[Monsoon]

12 hours ago, Emmabobemma said:

I’m bi and I have come out to my two best friends. I really want to come out to someone else-especially my mom- but I know it isn’t a good idea. Almost everyone I know that I could come out to is either really homophonic or can’t keep a secret. I’ve been thinking about telling my aunt. Her sister is gay and I think she supports the lgbtqia+  community. I want to come out but I don’t think I’m ready for a negative reaction. I’m a perfectionist and I really care about what people think of me and I know a lot of people who would like me less if they found out I wasn’t straight. I want to tell my mom but she’s really homophobic. She says she supports gay and lesbian people (because she thinks that’s the only kind of gay you can be) but she is openly very transphobic. I have a group of friends who call me the token straight and my mom found out about it and would tell me things like she’s glad I’m straight or she used to say that she doesn’t care if I’m gay she just really wants me to me straight. I think that she would still love me. My safety isn’t an issue with her. I just wish I could tell her and she would still like me the same. I don’t know. My mom also has bad mood swings where she yells at me a lot. She takes a lot out on me and she is a narcissist and doesn’t think that anybody else matters but herself. I think that’s why it’s hard to tell her things sometimes. She makes everything look so small compared to her. As if it’s nothing and if you’re going through something it’s nothing compared to what she is going through. I think sometimes she just want people to have sympathy for her. It makes me feel like my problems aren’t important. It is rare to go one day without her going through a flash of rage and yelling at me. I don’t do anything wrong she just gets mad sometimes. There are some days that she doesn’t yell. Those are good days. Other days she’ll yell at me a few times. One time in fifth grade I ran away. It wasn’t even one of our big fights. She just got so worked up that she got in my face and screamed you’re a bitch I fucking  hate you. My dad isn’t in the picture so I sank down to the floor and thought about how neither of my parents loved me. I ran away and came back  and hour later. I just walked around town and cried. My mom held it over my head and still does she’ll say she’ll call the cops if I leave and I can explain to them what I did. Sometimes it’s hard to be around her. Whenever she yells at me I just sit there and I say ok to whatever she says. If I yell back or say anything it gets worse. I know I’ve gotten off track I just needed to get that off my chest. Anyways I’m scared to come out to a lot of people but I’m thinking of coming out to my aunt. I think I’ll do it soon but I don’t know when I’ll see her next. I could text her because my mom is usually around me whenever i’m around my aunt in person. And if I use Snapchat it will delete and my mom won’t see it. Okay I’m done ranting thanks for listening if you read this. 

Hey there,

Thank you for sharing all of this. How did it feel getting all of that off your chest? It can feel good to just let it all out, and some say that a problem shared is a problem halved, and we really are to help you through listening and suggesting things to try out if you want that too. It sounds like things can be quite intense at home sometimes, and I might be being too cautious here, but I just want to check, are you safe at home? It sounds like she can be quite tough on you, and I'm wondering if she has ever been more physical with you? I completely understand that these may be difficult questions to answer, and if you like, we can speak over private message. I just want to check this out first, because your safety is our main priority, and we care about you; once we have spoken about that, we can then talk about the other things too. Take care and speak soon. 

[Emmabobemma]

Thanks for replying. Safety has never been an issue at home. It just feels nice to get things  off my chest. She would never touch me or harm me in any way. I know some people have to go through that and I feel for them but my mom just gets upset sometimes. The most harm she can do is verbally. I thank you for your concerns though. I agree that getting everything out can kind of help you deal with a problem. Or just having someone respond or having someone to help you let it out really helps. It feels great just to let it out I guess. Thanks again. 

[Monsoon]

Hey,

Yeah, it really helps to just open up and talk to others about what's going on. It does sound like things can get really intense at home, and I'm wondering, why do you think she is like this? What made her treat other people this way? 

[Emmabobemma]

Hey,

I’m not really exactly sure why she’s like this. She’s usually only like this to me, her mom, and my grandmas sister. She mostly gets mad at me but occasionally she gets mad at my grandma too. She doesn’t get mad too often with my aunt but she lives far away so she doesn’t really have the chance to. They do talk on the phone almost everyday and she can be kind of rude to my aunt. She typically only really explodes on my grandma and I. The rest of the family knows about it and they don’t think it’s right or anything but it’s kind of hard to talk to my mom because she just ends up yelling.  My mom is really nice to people who aren’t in our family. Also when she isn’t getting angry at me, she’s usually really really nice and funny and overall really fun to be around. That’s why it’s easy to forgive her because she just always acts like nothing happened and continues her day and is nice and everything. She’s going through menopause and that’s why she says she gets on edge or doesn’t have patience sometimes. It’s kind of often though. Even with all of her other problems she thinks she has it so much more worse than other people. Maybe she just doesn’t understand what other people are going through. She complains a lot. She is very negative. She only complains about herself though. About work and her back hurts and her feet hurt and she has a snotty nose etc. one time she had only been home for about 15 minutes and I was bored so I counted all of her complaints.  I was at 53. And when she sometimes picks me up from the bus stop she doesn’t ask how my day was. I know it’s foolish and something small but she talks about her day and what happened to her. Like I’m her therapist or something. I guess it’s just her hormones. Maybe I like to complain as much as she does. Maybe not in person but I feel like I’m complaining a lot now. Granted my mom does have a lot of problems so I don’t blame her for venting but it’s a constant thing. She never points out the things that went right unless they were really big things. My mom and grandma are kind of opposites in that. My grandma does a lot. She takes care of my three cousins. The oldest is a year older than me. Other than that small children. She also takes care of her disabled husband, meaning she feeds him and bathes him and cooks for him just like she does for the three kids and she cleans her house and she works in a factory and it’s really hard on her body and she’s -no offense- kind of old. She also has an ankle problem and sometimes after work she can hardly walk on it. You would never hear my grandma complain though. Ever. I’ve probably heard her complain a total of five times in my life and she has a lot to complain about.  Ok I’m done  sorry this was long  

 

[Monsoon]

Hey there, Emma

Thanks for telling me more about your mum. I'm wondering, before her menopause, how was she? Also, I'm wondering, have you ever spoken to her about how you feel? She might not know how it's affecting you. 

[Emmabobemma]

I don’t really remember her before her menopause. It’s been something that’s been going on for a while. I was too young to remember what she was like before it. I mean I would think she would have to know how it’s affecting me. When you scream at someone all the time it doesn’t make them happy or eager to be around you. If she really feels guilty she will apologize. It won’t be anything special. She’ll tell me that she was right and I’m incorrect in my thinking and doing but that she apologizes for exploding. So yeah I think she knows. I don’t think she knows it affects me as much as it does. I try to just keep it off my mind through and try to think about the good times we have. I try to stay really patient in arguments or when she’s in a mood because you never know when she’ll burst. I don’t think she really finds her attitude a problem. Just more of like a small flaw that other people will get over. She doesn’t notice the subtle hurtful things she does.  I also don’t think she realizes what it’s like to be around someone who never has anything good to say though or someone who can act like they don’t care. I don’t think she realizes that she acts like she doesn’t care about me sometimes. I know she does care and she does love me a lot because she does a lot for me and is a single parent. That would be hard but she’s not the only person going through stuff.  Maybe not to that extent but I still feel like she should be sympathetic sometimes. 

[Emmabobemma]

My mom shoved me. It wasn’t very hard at all but I’ve never seen her do something like that. I don’t think it will be something that continues. She was just mad and she said something like if you don’t stop talking I’m going to punch you and I didn’t believe her or anything I just thought it was an exaggeration. She then shoved me. I was close to a wall so I just stumbled backwards until I hit it. Then she started throwing clothes in my closet into my Christmas tree and ornament flew off. 
 

Anygays back to coming out. So I hang out with some fruity People at school and one of them said you give off bi with a preference for women vibes. Which is totally spot on but I had to deny because I’m not ready to come out yet. I think I might come out to them now though. So I have three friends. One probably couldn’t keep their mouth shut because they would be so happy one I can’t tell because I didn’t want to date them so I used the classic I’m straight excuse so if I come out then I might hurt their feelings. I can figure that out though. And they other would be a perfect person to come out to. They were questioning for a while and just came out to me as Omni and that made me really happy that they came out to me. So idk maybe I’ll come out to them. I should prob figure this out. I have some placement tests tomorrow that I’m nervous for so I’m going to go so I can get good sleep for them. 

[Monsoon]

4 hours ago, Emmabobemma said:

My mom shoved me. It wasn’t very hard at all but I’ve never seen her do something like that. I don’t think it will be something that continues. She was just mad and she said something like if you don’t stop talking I’m going to punch you and I didn’t believe her or anything I just thought it was an exaggeration. She then shoved me. I was close to a wall so I just stumbled backwards until I hit it. Then she started throwing clothes in my closet into my Christmas tree and ornament flew off. 
 

Anygays back to coming out. So I hang out with some fruity People at school and one of them said you give off bi with a preference for women vibes. Which is totally spot on but I had to deny because I’m not ready to come out yet. I think I might come out to them now though. So I have three friends. One probably couldn’t keep their mouth shut because they would be so happy one I can’t tell because I didn’t want to date them so I used the classic I’m straight excuse so if I come out then I might hurt their feelings. I can figure that out though. And they other would be a perfect person to come out to. They were questioning for a while and just came out to me as Omni and that made me really happy that they came out to me. So idk maybe I’ll come out to them. I should prob figure this out. I have some placement tests tomorrow that I’m nervous for so I’m going to go so I can get good sleep for them. 

Hey Emma,

I've just sent you a message to check in and see how you're doing. I hope to hear back from you soon.