Am i gonna stay like this for ever ?

[sakun12345]

For my whole life i was heterosexual.... (Dont ask me how do i know that. I just simply do.)but 8 months ago after brake up with the first love in my life i just simply stopped being into girls, and for last 3 or 4 months i actualy feel gay.... It happend litteraly forom day to day.... I woke up once in the summer and i just simply felt different.... Like if i was different person , and since then i am just depressed all the time, isolated from the world, i cant even speak to my homies with who i used to grew up and thanks to them i had the beat childhood i could wish for (even tho they used to bully me in 1. And 2. Grade),i even have a little sister who i love more than anything else and i was always the guy she used to look up to, i was always the guy who used to protect her from everything and everyone and who also made her smile everytime she was sad but now i cant even make her laughe... hack i actualy forgot how to laught too. so this is the reason i am writing since i know i cant live like this for ever i wanna ask: could it be just some weird fetish or some weird live phase or perhapse some different bullshit or did i really change and if so is there any posibilty of changing back ?

Thanks for the answers

Male 16

[Monsoon]

4 hours ago, sakun12345 said:

For my whole life i was heterosexual.... (Dont ask me how do i know that. I just simply do.)but 8 months ago after brake up with the first love in my life i just simply stopped being into girls, and for last 3 or 4 months i actualy feel gay.... It happend litteraly forom day to day.... I woke up once in the summer and i just simply felt different.... Like if i was different person , and since then i am just depressed all the time, isolated from the world, i cant even speak to my homies with who i used to grew up and thanks to them i had the beat childhood i could wish for (even tho they used to bully me in 1. And 2. Grade),i even have a little sister who i love more than anything else and i was always the guy she used to look up to, i was always the guy who used to protect her from everything and everyone and who also made her smile everytime she was sad but now i cant even make her laughe... hack i actualy forgot how to laught too. so this is the reason i am writing since i know i cant live like this for ever i wanna ask: could it be just some weird fetish or some weird live phase or perhapse some different bullshit or did i really change and if so is there any posibilty of changing back ?

Thanks for the answers

Male 16

Hey there,

Welcome to our community. It's interesting that you woke up and felt completely differently; had you had any thoughts about feeling gay before that at all? It sounds like you're really struggling with this at the moment, and I noticed that you said you're feeling depressed and isolated. I just want you to know that we are here for you. How does it feel opening up to us here? 

[sakun12345]

22 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Welcome to our community. It's interesting that you woke up and felt completely differently; had you had any thoughts about feeling gay before that at all? It sounds like you're really struggling with this at the moment, and I noticed that you said you're feeling depressed and isolated. I just want you to know that we are here for you. How does it feel opening up to us here? 

No i did not. Only when i was younger i was ubelievable scared thet i am gay couse it took a little longer to figure out my sexuality than to my friends but after that i actually desired girls , i was trryng to get laid every single time i could and i loved it. Every single time i was sad i tought about that somewhere out there is a girl that i will one day fall in love with again and that always made live suddenly look pretty positive but now.... It just is not that good feeling and i know it is wierd but every time i try to deny my sexuality or start thinking forcefully about girls i get headache and i have to stop. So.... Yeah it is pretty good ferling haveing someone to write about it now thanks for that .

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

I'm glad that you're experiencing good feelings when talking to us. I really do think that a problem shared is a problem halved, and by speaking to others, we can take a lot of the weight off our shoulders :) 

I find it interesting that you're getting a headache when you try to forcefully think about girls; I'm wondering, when you don't force those thoughts, what kinds of feelings and thoughts come to mind? 

[sakun12345]

22 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

I'm glad that you're experiencing good feelings when talking to us. I really do think that a problem shared is a problem halved, and by speaking to others, we can take a lot of the weight off our shoulders :) 

I find it interesting that you're getting a headache when you try to forcefully think about girls; I'm wondering, when you don't force those thoughts, what kinds of feelings and thoughts come to mind? 

Well i guess gay.... I dont know really what kind of feelings are they..... But when i let my mind go freely it never ends up in a good place. At the end i almost always start fantasying about suicide or something and have to snap out of it. Like dont get me wrong i am not actvily planning on killing myself i have always had been the guy who was set like *i am sorry that this and this happend to you but suicide is never the way.* So it is weird for me to fantasie about these kinda things and than sometimes i just end up at gay fantazies even tho not so often as i would fantasy about girls begore this whole thing sterted but still, since now i have heterosexual just  rarely  it is still too much...

 

And i know that if i told someone it would most probably help but the thing is i font wanna tell anyone anything untill i wont be certain i am gonna stay like this for ever and never change back i dont wanna be the type of gay no one likes couse he is changing sexuaility every week. Those are exactly types of people i used to hate. I dont meen like i am homophobic i was never against gay people i know they could not do anything aginst it but i really hated those kinda leople couse i felt like they are doing it just so they are famous in between theyr friends and in school.... And i just dont want others and my friends since they hate them too, think this about me. That is why i was asking if i really changed and if i did can i somehow... or is there at least some small chaance i will eventually change back ? 

 

[Monsoon]

On 12/1/2021 at 8:08 AM, sakun12345 said:

Well i guess gay.... I dont know really what kind of feelings are they..... But when i let my mind go freely it never ends up in a good place. At the end i almost always start fantasying about suicide or something and have to snap out of it. Like dont get me wrong i am not actvily planning on killing myself i have always had been the guy who was set like *i am sorry that this and this happend to you but suicide is never the way.* So it is weird for me to fantasie about these kinda things and than sometimes i just end up at gay fantazies even tho not so often as i would fantasy about girls begore this whole thing sterted but still, since now i have heterosexual just  rarely  it is still too much...

And i know that if i told someone it would most probably help but the thing is i font wanna tell anyone anything untill i wont be certain i am gonna stay like this for ever and never change back i dont wanna be the type of gay no one likes couse he is changing sexuaility every week. Those are exactly types of people i used to hate. I dont meen like i am homophobic i was never against gay people i know they could not do anything aginst it but i really hated those kinda leople couse i felt like they are doing it just so they are famous in between theyr friends and in school.... And i just dont want others and my friends since they hate them too, think this about me. That is why i was asking if i really changed and if i did can i somehow... or is there at least some small chaance i will eventually change back ? 

Hey there,

I'm glad to hear you aren't planning on taking your life, and if it ever feels like you might want to, please know that we are here to support you through that and help you get the support you might need. I find it interesting that you describe the gay thoughts as being a bad place, and I'm wondering, why do you think that is? Also, I get what you're saying abut wanting to be sure before you tell anyone, but it can be helpful to ask others for advice when you're unsure, as this can help you to figure things out. What do you think? 

[sakun12345]

On 12/2/2021 at 9:38 AM, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

I'm glad to hear you aren't planning on taking your life, and if it ever feels like you might want to, please know that we are here to support you through that and help you get the support you might need. I find it interesting that you describe the gay thoughts as being a bad place, and I'm wondering, why do you think that is? Also, I get what you're saying abut wanting to be sure before you tell anyone, but it can be helpful to ask others for advice when you're unsure, as this can help you to figure things out. What do you think? 

I was not really refering to the gay thoughts it was more about the suicidal thoughts.... But yeah i dont like either of them it just feels weird you know knowing that the only thing  i really knew about myself for sure and thought i did not have to care about it anymore just disappeared and was replaced by something that in childhood was my biggest nightmare ever is actually pretty bad. And. I am not gonna name all of it but i actually went through a lot of shit while figuring out i was actually heterosexual and even had problems with police which since i was not old enough my mom had to be involved which made it even worse and the fact that after all of this i just suddenly turn gay after i finally started enjoying life as a heterosexual is pretty weird honestly. And the thing about telling someone.... Well i was actually considering it for a while now but i just cannot tell it to anyone couse if i will tell it to one of my friends the others will know it too in few day for sure and since one of my really good friends is actually my ex girlfriends brother i cant tell anyone couse if she would knew she could understand that i have had always been gay and never loved her and i know how fragile she is.... It would most probably destroy her and i cannot allow that the fact that my life and mental health is destroyed is enough for our school. You know honestly i dont know how long i can live like this. Having next to no friends and all of my dream are pretty much unachievable is just... Well i dont wish to anyone to feel this helpless 

 

Do you think i can still change ? 

 

Btw this is second time i am writing this the first time the message got hidden i guess i was angry and swore a little more than i should. Also happy new year even tho i little late

 

 

[Monsoon]

17 hours ago, sakun12345 said:

I was not really refering to the gay thoughts it was more about the suicidal thoughts.... But yeah i dont like either of them it just feels weird you know knowing that the only thing  i really knew about myself for sure and thought i did not have to care about it anymore just disappeared and was replaced by something that in childhood was my biggest nightmare ever is actually pretty bad. And. I am not gonna name all of it but i actually went through a lot of shit while figuring out i was actually heterosexual and even had problems with police which since i was not old enough my mom had to be involved which made it even worse and the fact that after all of this i just suddenly turn gay after i finally started enjoying life as a heterosexual is pretty weird honestly. And the thing about telling someone.... Well i was actually considering it for a while now but i just cannot tell it to anyone couse if i will tell it to one of my friends the others will know it too in few day for sure and since one of my really good friends is actually my ex girlfriends brother i cant tell anyone couse if she would knew she could understand that i have had always been gay and never loved her and i know how fragile she is.... It would most probably destroy her and i cannot allow that the fact that my life and mental health is destroyed is enough for our school. You know honestly i dont know how long i can live like this. Having next to no friends and all of my dream are pretty much unachievable is just... Well i dont wish to anyone to feel this helpless 

Do you think i can still change ? 

Btw this is second time i am writing this the first time the message got hidden i guess i was angry and swore a little more than i should. Also happy new year even tho i little late

Hey there,

I'm really sorry, but for some reason, I wasn't notified of your reply, but I'm here now! I picked up on what you said about how you've managed to ignore the thoughts, and I'm wondering, by ignoring them, what kind of impact do you think it has on your life? When we have thoughts like this about our sexuality, it's really important to give them the time and space you need to explore them, because by pushing them away, it can be quite stressful and we can then feel cut off from the social world. What do you think? 

[sakun12345]

On 1/14/2022 at 11:42 AM, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

I'm really sorry, but for some reason, I wasn't notified of your reply, but I'm here now! I picked up on what you said about how you've managed to ignore the thoughts, and I'm wondering, by ignoring them, what kind of impact do you think it has on your life? When we have thoughts like this about our sexuality, it's really important to give them the time and space you need to explore them, because by pushing them away, it can be quite stressful and we can then feel cut off from the social world. What do you think? 

It is not so bad really i mean i did not completely pushed them aside i just dont care about those thoughts and i finally feel like myself or at least some kind of myself. I finally started thinking rationally again and all of the suicidal thoughts went away but... Yea you are right i feel kind of cut off the social world but it is not something i really care about so much by the years i have already learned it is never worth it to forcefully talk to someone you dont feel comfortable talking to or vice versa. But still it feels weird that the way i used to be nervous around girls i now feel around boys and the same way i used to feel around boys you know just talking jokes helping each other with girls now i feel around girls... And thats another problem since they are girls they talk about girly stuff and i just dont understand it and can not join the conversation so even at class besides playing poker from time to time with my classmates or perhaps basketball i am unable to socialize really. But like i said right it feels kind of good actually i dont mind it so much. If i need someone to talk to i ve got my mom and i can always write to you guys 

 

And dont worry about the notification. I mean i was not logged in for more than a month and then even lost a password so it is pretty understandable

 

Btw is there any way how i could delete one of those previous replies so that there are not two of almost the same masseges ? 

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

I saw what you said about not caring how you're kind of cut off from the social world and how it's not worth forcefully talking to someone you don't feel comfortable with. I'm wondering though, how is it for you when you talk with someone you're comfortable with? What do you like about it? 

Also, yeah, I can delete one of the replies if you like, just let me know which one :) 

[sakun12345]

12 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

I saw what you said about not caring how you're kind of cut off from the social world and how it's not worth forcefully talking to someone you don't feel comfortable with. I'm wondering though, how is it for you when you talk with someone you're comfortable with? What do you like about it? 

Also, yeah, I can delete one of the replies if you like, just let me know which one :) 

Well of course it is a good feeling but like i said i can only talk to girls without feeling like i am attracted to the person  so most of the time it is pretty awkward but when i meet someone i can talk to and it is not  it actually feels good since i was always an a extrovert and i ve always needed to talk once in public. i dont really know what i like about it exactly but i like it.

Also i have a problem i could use some help with.... There is one girl in the school that i think she likes me and not Just little and i just don have the heart to tell her that i can not even i lf i'd wanted i just cant have feelings for her. I mean i like her but it is not like i used to like girls before

And yea you can delete the first massege if you can 

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

Sure, we can help you with that problem. With the girl then, I'm wondering, can you tell me a little bit more about why you think she likes you? Also, do you know her well?  By the way, I've deleted your first message :) 

[sakun12345]

On 1/17/2022 at 6:25 PM, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Sure, we can help you with that problem. With the girl then, I'm wondering, can you tell me a little bit more about why you think she likes you? Also, do you know her well?  By the way, I've deleted your first message :) 

Well she pretty much told me.... Or at least indirectly besides that i ve heard her friends talking about me like her boyfriend and also she was the only one who tried to help me when i was depressed alone and completely screwed. At first i even thought she figured out what was happening but i guess she did exactly the opposite. For the past week or two i ve been trying to somehow make it up for her... For the fact that she was the only one who helped me through the hard times even tho i did nothing ever for her and did not even knew a lot about her besides her name and the fact that even after all she has done for me i can not give her what she desires... 

Also sorry for not replying i have broke my phone unfortunately  

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

Sorry to hear about your phone- what happened?

I noticed what you said about how you cannot give her what she desires, and I'm wondering, can you tell me more about that, please? Also, how come you feel like you need to make it up for her? Maybe she helped you and did not want anything in return. 

[sakun12345]

On 1/31/2022 at 5:55 PM, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Sorry to hear about your phone- what happened?

I noticed what you said about how you cannot give her what she desires, and I'm wondering, can you tell me more about that, please? Also, how come you feel like you need to make it up for her? Maybe she helped you and did not want anything in return. 

It is actually quite fun storry... I was going to get a food to our local fast food and while i was eating and watching my phone at once i dropped the food and it almost fell to the ground but fortunately i saved it... I kinda felt like a spider man ngl then i looked a the ground and saw my phone screen cmpletly broke to pieces. But i saved my food tho.

Well i know she likes me and i know she would like me to like her to but well i cant do that even if she was the most beautiful women in the world. And also that is exactly why i feel like i should make it up for her since she did it without expecting anything in return. She is one of the most happy persons a know and i dont really wanna ruin that happines for her 

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

Shame about your phone, but at least you saved your food, haha! 

Also, thanks for explaining what you meant about how you can't give her what she wants. I'm wondering, do you think she knows how you feel about her? 

[sakun12345]

3 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Shame about your phone, but at least you saved your food, haha! 

Also, thanks for explaining what you meant about how you can't give her what she wants. I'm wondering, do you think she knows how you feel about her? 

Well like i said at first i even though she figured out that i am not into girls anymore but then she texted me that she likes me and so on but recently i feel like she relized more and more that i am not completely interested in her... But i may be wrong about that i font know... Honestly i dont even  know what she knows or doesnt know 

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

What do you think the best thing to do is in this situation? 

[sakun12345]

On 2/3/2022 at 12:10 AM, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

What do you think the best thing to do is in this situation? 

Well i d say not giving her too much hope and somehow convince her i am not the best for her but well i dont know i am still kind of hoping that i msight turn back at dome point 

[Monsoon]

15 hours ago, sakun12345 said:

Well i d say not giving her too much hope and somehow convince her i am not the best for her but well i dont know i am still kind of hoping that i msight turn back at dome point 

Hey there,

I'm wondering, have you been completely clear about your situation and how you feel about her yet? If you haven't, do you think it could help? 

[sakun12345]

8 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

I'm wondering, have you been completely clear about your situation and how you feel about her yet? If you haven't, do you think it could help? 

Well like i said before i dont really wanna tell anyone.... At least not until i am sure i wont ever turn back.  And also i feel like it could make her very sad and i dont really want that. She is one of the only girls in our class that is trying to hold us togather as a team ( i mean the people in class) if she gets sad and asocial like me i am afraid most of the frienships will get lost.

[Monsoon]

12 hours ago, sakun12345 said:

Well like i said before i dont really wanna tell anyone.... At least not until i am sure i wont ever turn back.  And also i feel like it could make her very sad and i dont really want that. She is one of the only girls in our class that is trying to hold us togather as a team ( i mean the people in class) if she gets sad and asocial like me i am afraid most of the frienships will get lost.

Hey there,

Yeah, I totally get not wanting to tell anyone; it's a tricky one isn't it because she clearly feels for you and letting her know your situation would probably upset her in the short-term like you said, but in the long run, it will probably be really helpful for her. However, I totally get your perspective. Although you don't want to tell anyone now, is there anything else that could make the situation better? 

[sakun12345]

On 2/6/2022 at 11:11 AM, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Yeah, I totally get not wanting to tell anyone; it's a tricky one isn't it because she clearly feels for you and letting her know your situation would probably upset her in the short-term like you said, but in the long run, it will probably be really helpful for her. However, I totally get your perspective. Although you don't want to tell anyone now, is there anything else that could make the situation better? 

Yeah i mean i will have to figure something out if i dont wanna hurt her too much but i think i can handle this... I am thinking a little more straight now again. And i have had a really lot experience with girls until this happend... Well mostly with losing them anyways but i mean that should be helpful now . And i dont think there is much you could now ro help me anymore but thanks for helping me through this journey.... I am really not sure how i would handle it without you.

However i would love ro hear stories of others who are reading this and somethink similar happaned to them.... So if any of you reads this please write your story as a reply to this i am looking forward to reading it

[Monsoon]

That’s okay. I think it might be good to take some time to process what we have talked about and have a think about what you would do next, and I agree, it would be good to hear similar stories, so I hope one of our members can relate to this. If you would like to talk more, you know where I am.