Tips for working through internalised 'phobias' /being happy with however I present

[hellfireclub]

Hi all, 

Currently going through a series of personal upheavals in regards to identity. I know that I don't identify as cis, and currently fly under the non-binary flag, but more and more I'm drawn towards presenting as masculine. However,  I grew up in a very isolated, secular community where, though people didn't explicitly say being gay/trans was wrong, you just didn't see it. You didn't even consider it because you *knew* would be bullied.

As a result, even though I've always been accepting of others and been ready to boost them up and fight in their corner, I've internalised a lot of awful feelings and attitudes. As someone who is autistic and also struggles romantically as a result, I think I'm also piling that on top of all my current problems. I haven't ever had a relationship as someone who was AFAB, and I think I'm worried that if I come out as trans, I'll be making it even more difficult to find love/companionship - even though I know it's stupid! I'm aware there are plenty of people who have and will, but I think I've gotten so low that I can't see the wood for the trees.

As someone gifted with the annoying present of self-awareness, I know a lot of my thoughts are unfounded and a little ridiculous. But I do know they're toxic and they're taking an impact on me getting better and feeling 'free', so to speak. 

If anyone has any healthy ways of working through these thoughts - working through internalised transphobia/homophobia etc, I would be ever so grateful. I'm tired of living in such an exhausting state of mind, when all I want to do is be happy with who I am and just live - comfortable in my own skin, and not laying dependency on being 'attractive' enough for other people. 

All the best,

A

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

Thanks for coming to us for advice. I noticed that you described your self-awareness as an annoying present, but I think I see it differently. I really get the sense form your post that you want to do what's best for other people and move forward with your life, and I think your self-awareness is really so positive and helps you to have empathy towards others. What do you think? I'm wondering, if a friend came to you with the same problem, what kind of advice would you give them?