I'm so ugly i wish i could be invisible

[sunshards]

I'm sorry for venting here. I'm not really looking for replies, this message will be full of toxic and not useful thoughts. I am aware that emotional thinking can lead down very negative and fallacious paths and my hope is that you can recognise this and feel beautiful and confident in yourself. You deserve it and it's the truth.

I'm just really tired. Sometimes I wish i could tear my body apart and rebuild it from scratch. It's just a mess. It doesn't look good. These days' beauty standards have some very precise and objective measurements and I don't meet any of them. I always look like the ugly duckling among my beautiful friends. I can find very few people that look worse than me, and I also feel really bad saying that because I'm always judging other people, and people's judgements is exactly what i'm most afraid of. I should be ashamed of myself.

I can't seem to get rid of comparison. It's always there. I feel that a certain degree of comparison is good, and that's why we evolved to incorporate it as a daily practice.  Looking at what other people do helps me make decisions and understand social norms (I'm terrible at following those!), but it's a CONSTANT thought. I'm always comparing and judging everyone and everything. It's exhausting, and, most of the time, not serving me in any way.

I've grown to place a lot of value on romantic relationships but over time I've given up to the belief that I won't ever get to participate in one. No one ever was my friend because they liked me. When it rarely happened, it was because I could be of help. The few times it wasn't because of that, we rapidly fell apart.

I have a small group of friends that supports me, but I am also aware that, without me, they would be just fine. Even though I usually have fun with them, I'm not actually relevant at all, and it hurts.

If I looked good, maybe people would look at me with different eyes. Maybe I wouldn't be so weird. Maybe I would have a shot at finding someone who genuinely likes me. Maybe I would have the courage to talk to strangers and potential partners without feeling like a total creep and ashamed of myself, of my looks. I routinely feel deply sorry for anyone who has to look at me and whose photos are ruined by my presence.

I just wish I was normal, really, even though I know it's not going to happen. I personally believe that what I received in this life has a specific purpose, which is to learn to love myself and other people and living beings more. However, it's exhausting as hell, and sometimes, when I look in the mirror, all I wish is I could turn invisible and never have to look at my disgusting face again.

[chuu]

hi! i know i’ve never met you and i don’t know what you look like but i just wanted to say that it really hurts me that you feel this way about yourself. from my perspective you sound like a really beautiful person and you aren’t a ugly duckling you just haven’t found yourself yet, but i promise when you find yourself you’ll realise how beautiful you are, inside and out

[sunshards]

Thanks for your kind words, you're really considerate. I'm sorry if my words hurt you. I imagine you must be very empathetic, and that's beautiful, but can be really hard sometimes. I've noticed from your profile that you're really young, and that can be a really dark time, so I hope you can stay safe and find the support you need.

[chuu]

hi again, don’t worry about it i just hate to see or hear about other people feeling rubbish! thank you for such kind compliments!  i’m glad you got this off your chest, i hope you feel better soon

[Monsoon]

19 hours ago, sunshards said:

I'm sorry for venting here. I'm not really looking for replies, this message will be full of toxic and not useful thoughts. I am aware that emotional thinking can lead down very negative and fallacious paths and my hope is that you can recognise this and feel beautiful and confident in yourself. You deserve it and it's the truth.

I'm just really tired. Sometimes I wish i could tear my body apart and rebuild it from scratch. It's just a mess. It doesn't look good. These days' beauty standards have some very precise and objective measurements and I don't meet any of them. I always look like the ugly duckling among my beautiful friends. I can find very few people that look worse than me, and I also feel really bad saying that because I'm always judging other people, and people's judgements is exactly what i'm most afraid of. I should be ashamed of myself.

I can't seem to get rid of comparison. It's always there. I feel that a certain degree of comparison is good, and that's why we evolved to incorporate it as a daily practice.  Looking at what other people do helps me make decisions and understand social norms (I'm terrible at following those!), but it's a CONSTANT thought. I'm always comparing and judging everyone and everything. It's exhausting, and, most of the time, not serving me in any way.

I've grown to place a lot of value on romantic relationships but over time I've given up to the belief that I won't ever get to participate in one. No one ever was my friend because they liked me. When it rarely happened, it was because I could be of help. The few times it wasn't because of that, we rapidly fell apart.

I have a small group of friends that supports me, but I am also aware that, without me, they would be just fine. Even though I usually have fun with them, I'm not actually relevant at all, and it hurts.

If I looked good, maybe people would look at me with different eyes. Maybe I wouldn't be so weird. Maybe I would have a shot at finding someone who genuinely likes me. Maybe I would have the courage to talk to strangers and potential partners without feeling like a total creep and ashamed of myself, of my looks. I routinely feel deply sorry for anyone who has to look at me and whose photos are ruined by my presence.

I just wish I was normal, really, even though I know it's not going to happen. I personally believe that what I received in this life has a specific purpose, which is to learn to love myself and other people and living beings more. However, it's exhausting as hell, and sometimes, when I look in the mirror, all I wish is I could turn invisible and never have to look at my disgusting face again.

Hello @sunshards

Thank you for opening up to us about how you're feeling. It sounds like you're really down on yourself at the moment, Can I ask, how long have you been feeling this way for? I'm curious to know if you've always felt this way, or if things changed at a certain point. I find that from speaking to people who have similar thoughts and feelings, that there is sometimes a negative experience which starts this kind of thing, like being bullied, or  being in an abusive household or relationship. 

I'm wondering, if you did feel better about the way you look, how do you think your life would be different? 

[vilhelmina]

Hi. I'm sorry for replying so very late, but I just made an account and I'm going through the stuff here. I want to say that you put many of my thoughts to words. I didn't even know it, but I feel some of these things exactly. What I want to say, as one person with bad self image to another - even if you find yourself unattractive, not everyone does. Some random irrelevant people might, but I promise you there are people who can truly appreciate you. And not in the sense "I like you for you" and "looks don't matter to me", but I guarantee that there are people who would find your most hated features (the ones you dislike most) as something cute, charactertic, attractive, beautiful. Even if someone isn't "beautiful" according to today's beauty standards, you have to remember people have all kinds of tastes. 

I realise now that it might sound hurtful, but the fact that I'm not that good with words doesn't mean I'm trying to be mean, so I'm sorry if something comes off as rude! I don't know what you look like and I'm just trying to put things in perspective and maybe help you with something that has helped me. 

Hopefully you'll get better. 

[sunshards]

Hi vilhelmina, thank you so much for replying. You aren't bad with words at all, actually, your message was really kind and I really appreciated your gesture.

I had forgotten about this topic to be completely honest. I just went on with my life working on my other problems. I have noticed the hate I had for my appearence was deeply rooted in a general sense of hate I had for myself. I procrastinated a lot because of perfectionism and I felt useless. I've spent these months rebuilding my relationship with myself, trying to listen to myself, journaling, in general trying to understand what is going on in my brain. I'm considering going to therapy soon, I think everyone should at some point, and it's time for me to start.

It's not easy, that's for sure. It takes a lot of time and patience, many bad days where I want to just lie down and get swallowed up by the floor.  However, when you start trusting yourself and your istincts, when you start speaking up and live your life like you desire, it gets better.
I'm still working on that. I'm still working on buying myself nice clothes even when I think "why bother, you're going to look ugly anyways,  you should just tear out your face". I feel better when I wear them. I'm still working on trying to study and direct my future even when my brain says nothing's gonna change ever. I feel accomplished when I start.

My hope is that something WILL change, and it already has. What I started believing in is that if life has no rational sense at all, then it's completely non-sense for me not to live the way I want, even when I think I'm gonna look dumb. I want and deserve to be happy. The only way I'm happy is through love. By loving other people; by loving myself.  That's my goal right now.
Even if no one will ever love me, I will be there loving myself: that's were my self-esteem comes from. Recognising my humanity. Recognising the intrinsic beauty in what "being human" means.  Going to the park and getting kissed by the sun. Cuddling with my cat. Enjoying food I like without guilt ("i really suggest "the f*** it diet" book by Caroline Dooner, she also has a very insightful instagram page). Laughing with my friends about the dumbest things.

I think that's worth it. Life is worth it. Ali from the show Euphoria says something like: "life isn't bad. you just don't know how to live it". I wanna live the way I know makes me happy. And if I wanna start really living, the only way is through the body I have. The body I have criticised so harshly in the mirror, while its every cell was fighting to make me stay alive. 

I still have bad moments. There are many days where everything is pitch black. What I'm learning is to wait for the light at the end of the tunnel. It's always there, if you wait. After the darkest night, the sun always comes out to shine. And in the meanwhile, I'll do the best I can to stay alive, and remind myself of all the good times I've had.

Thank you so much for opening up with me. I wish you the best. You deserve it.

P.S. thanks Monsoon for your answer. I'm sorry, at the time I wasn't in the right place to talk about it. Thanks for all the time you devote to helping other people. It helps.