Brother issues

[Alliexo]

I have a brother that is five years older than me. He touched me inappropriately a few times when I was around 7 and then again when I was 11. I’m 14 now and he hasn’t done anything since. 
I had such a roller coaster of emotions. I didn’t know what was happening when I was younger so when it happened again when I was 11 I got really scared and managed to get myself out of those situations.  I blamed myself for it happening but that switched to me being angry. It was his fault that he did what he did and he was the older one who was meant to take care of me. I hated him so much. I even wished he was dead. But I blocked out any memories I had of it. Last year I started getting flashbacks and I was remembering what I tried so hard to forget. It hurt really bad and I cried a lot when I realised it wasn’t my fault any of it happened. I wanted to talk to my brother about it but everything was so fuzzy and it felt like I had dreamt about it all. He hasn’t done anything to me in a long time but I’m still scared to be alone with him. We are both older now so maybe he’s changed. I tried to go to therapy but I wasn’t able to bring myself to talk about things properly. The only person I have ever told about this is a friend I had at the time it was happening when I was 11. I’ve been through really bad times with my mental health and I’ve definitely blamed my past for being so messed up. And I can’t tell anyone because I have two great parents so how could I be unhappy... How do you get through something like this? I see him almost everyday since he still lives with my family and we both act normal and laugh together. It feels so wrong. 
I’m feeling happier these days, but I’m not sure what to do with all these emotions still lingering in my head. 

[Monsoon]

Hello @Alliexo

Thank you for opening up to us about your experiences with us here at community. I'm sorry to hear that you went through this with your brother. I cannot imagine how hard this must have been, and still continues to be, for you. Although he hasn't done anything for a while now, I can imagine that it must be really upsetting and hurtful for you to have to be around him so much. I just want you to know that I've sent you a private message so we can talk about this there. I appreciate that this is really sensitive information, so I thought it would be best to talk about it privately. If you cannot see my message, please let me know here. Take care and speak soon.