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I moved into a new flat last September, with 2 new flatmates that I had never met before (due to the difficulty in looking for flatmates during covid).  I am female and they're both male. 3 of us got along quite well and spent a lot of time together the first few months - cooking, movie, drinking, working out etc. Nothing dramatic happen and everything seems fine. They treated me very well and I did the same, but one of them (let's called him X) was a bit too well that I sometimes feel a bit uncomfortable and weird. They also know from the start that I have a boyfriend too, and he visited me quite a few times.

I then introduced a cousemate of mine to them by inviting her to my flat for dinner and movie. We even went for a road trip together. However, I wouldn't say that they're close friends who know each other very well as compared to my friend and I. Yesterday, my friend texted me and told me that she might come over to my flat for dinner this Saturday. I said oh yea that's good feel free to come and join us for dinner and movie. She then told me that one of my flatmates has been texting her about Kombucha recipe (she started being obsessed with Kombucha and X thought is interesting so he started making for us too). I then later found out that X actually asked her if he can visit her house to try her Kombucha, by himself, without inviting my other flatmate and myself. My friend definitely felt a little awkward and uncomfortable for him to go to her house alone and didn't know how to turn him down, and that was when she texted me to let me know about this. She then suggested to X that it would be better if she visits our flat instead of X going to her house alone.

So basically, I feel a little confused that how I should be feeling about this? Is he being rude for planning for a date with my friend behind my back? There were quite a lot of things happened to X and I back then too, and to sum it up, X is a very emotionally attached person and I somehow feel like he's not a genuine person (constantly feel like he has intention that I won't know behind everything). Just to give an example, X felt that I treated another flatmate of us better than how I treated him, which I definitely didn't because three of us did everything together. We even had a "heart to heart" talk together to talk through things, but i still feel pressured by this friendship. I told my boyfriend about everything and he thought maybe X has feelings for me, which I honestly don't think so but even if he does, I still wouldn't mind to keep this friendship as long as he didn't do anything that make me feel uncomfortable. He also brought a female friend of him to our flat quite frequently, and they're always inside his room instead of our kitchen (nothing to do with me i know, but i just thought if i were the girl, i wouldn't feel comfortable being alone with a guy in his room unless i like him too, so i thought maybe they both have a "thing").

So back to the question - do you think it's right for X to sneakily wanted to go to my friend's house alone, without letting me know? My first thought was like "what the hell do you want from my friend lol". Can't he discuss about this with me first if he genuinely just wanted to try out her kombucha and let her try his kombucha, since she is supposed to be my friend and they merely met for less than 5 times? 

i was thinking of 3 possibilities - he is trying to have my friend to himself and wanna get "closer" to my friend, he is interested in her/likes her, he is just feeling horny and wanna flirt with my friend. I know it's just a very small issue, but any advice/opinions would be good to make sure that what i am feeling now is normal/not wrong.

Edited by Bumblebeeeee
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  • Bumblebeeeee changed the title to Flatmate

Hey @Bumblebeeeee

Welcome to our community and thank you for sharing your detailed story which has helped me to have a good understanding of your situation. From what you've said, it sounds like this guy might struggle with boundaries in the sense of knowing what's appropriate and what isn't. I don't know if he does like your friend or whether he is just trying to be friendly. I do think that considering the situation, it would have been good for him to let you know about all of this. What do you think you might do about it? 


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Hi! Thank you for taking your time to reply to my post. I once thought that he was a genuine person and that was why I took my time to have a talk with him to resolve issues between us, because I treated him as a good friend and really hope that our friendship can work out. But because of the things that he did behind my back and how he can get quite emotionally attached to friends (and how I actually get emotionally affected/stressed by him), and after talking to my boyfriend we both thought that keeping a distance from him is probably the best for myself. So I've been keeping a distance from him but I still try my best to be nice all the time (whenever he talked to me), the only difference is that I stopped initiating topics and stopped spending too much time together with them. Not going to lie though, it's quite hard for me to pretend that nothing has happened and continue to treat him nicely ever since he sneakily wanted to meet up with my friend (the grudge is still there and I'm trying my best to let that go).

Because I feel like he is not a genuine/honest person, so talking about this with him is a waste of time. And I've let my friend know how I think he is as a person so she will also keep a distance from him and not hanging out with him alone.

I actually feel kinda bad for being a little bit mean to him, but I just can't accept someone who's not honest and sneakily do things behind my back as a friend. Am I wrong to choose to pull myself out of this friendship?

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Hey there,

Ah, yeah, it sounds like having that distance from eachother is a good idea given what you've told me. I wonder, when you say you feel like he is not a genuine/honest person, what do you mean by that? 


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