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I don't know how to deal with this


Marv    

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Last night, I met up with some people from my university course on the beach of our town. It was a great night. During this time, I noticed that I quite liked a girl who was there (I'm female). It just so happened that I was giving my friend advice about being gay and such, and this girl overheard me. One of my peers came over to me and said that this girl liked me, so me and (lets call her Amy) Amy started chatting. Bravely, I admitted that I was a little interested in her, and she did the same.

 

Part of me has always wanted a relationship, a girlfriend, but I'm terrified. She was very nice and sweet, but she was very enthusiastic. There were a few times where she held my hands, or linked arms with me, she even admitted that she wanted to kiss me. I should add that she'd had a decent amount to drink, but at this point I wasn't sure how much. I wasn't drunk. I told her I felt a little uncomfortable, but she still sat *very* close to me and rested her head on me and leaned on me.

 

I left swiftly in a panic. Like I said, of course I want a relationship, but I have a lot of things going on at the moment. I have OCD which is definitely impacting the way I'm thinking about this situation. I really struggle with change, and the idea of a relationship or someone trying to get with me terrifies me. It's a disruption to my routine, my life, it's a big change and I don't think I'm mentally in a place where I can do this. I have a lot of other things going on besides the OCD (depression and other stuff), so I don't think it'd be a good idea to actually date someone at the moment. I know I'm overthinking this, I've literally only known her for about 2hours of my life, but my brain is telling me to just send her a message and be done with it. My instincts are telling me no, and my instincts are never wrong.

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Hey @Marv

 

It's great to hear from you again - I hope university is going well for you.

 

I think it's important to follow your gut feeling and do what's right for you. If you feel like you're not in the right place, then that's a perfectly valid reason. I'm curious to know more about a couple of things.. what makes you think that you're overthinking and why does the idea of a relationship/someone trying to get with you terrify you?

 

Speak soon :)

Edited by Monsoon

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Hi @Monsoon It's good to be back on here :) University is going pretty good, it's a bit wobbly at the moment because of covid but it's going well.

 

I've always been a big worrier and overthinker so when anything new or different or nerve wracking happens, I always overthink it to be honest. Sometimes it's a good thing, I'm able to assess situations in great detail, but sometimes I just end up worrying myself over everything. I also have OCD and I think that impacts how I process and perceive situations in some way. I hate the idea of my routine being changed or altered, I don't like the idea of how much would change if I got with someone. I dunno, it's weird.

 

But you're right. I'm not ready and that's fine. I don't think I could handle it all right now, I want a relationship but also I really don't want a relationship?

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Hey @Marv

 

Glad to hear that university is going well for you :)

 

I think it's normal to overthink when something new happens like a relationship. I'm wondering, how do you think your OCD impacts the way you are perceiving this situation with the girl? The top of and bottom of it is that if you're not ready, then you're not ready. But on the other hand, do you think that it could be good to go for it anyway despite the overthinking? I only say this because you touched on wanting a relationship but not really wanting one too.

 

Anyway, hope to hear back from you soon!

 

-Monsoon

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I think my OCD makes me think very negatively about not only relationships but other stuff too. I'm scared of the idea of my daily life changing, my routines changing. I'm not sure how to explain is all fully, it's tough to explain. All I know is that it definitely distorts my view and thoughts on a lot of things. Just the idea of change makes me a little scared and nervous to be honest with you. But you're right, if i'm not ready for it, then I'm not ready for it. A tiny part of me would like to go for it, but overall I don't think it's a good idea currently...

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Hey @Marv

 

You explained that really well, thank you :)

 

I think it's really good that you're aware of how the OCD can distort your views and thoughts on things. It can often be quite hard to see how something like OCD may influence the way we think and feel, so it's really positive that you can see that. I'm wondering, do you think that the OCD has changed the way you're thinking and feeling about the new girl?

Edited by Monsoon

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Hey @Monsoon :)

 

I guess it might do? My OCD isn't exactly severe, but I think quite often I end up looking through it's eyes instead of my own which distorts my view overall, if that makes sense. I know I like someone, but I end up seeing through the OCD's eyes and then suddenly, despite liking a person, I'll start seeing it as something negative/start seeing all the negative about it? It's so tricky to describe. I don't think it changes it too much, but it definitely does at least a bit. Ah, it's like having two people in my head, both of us wanting different things..

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Hello @Marv :)

 

Thanks for explaining how your OCD affects things so well; it's good that you know how the OCD impacts you - knowledge is power! I'm wondering, is there anything you do to calm down when your mind starts going into overdrive?

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Hi @Monsoon

Well, lately that's something I've been trying to work on. I've started an online CBT program to help with my depression and the way I think, so I'm hoping that I'll be able to start doing more of the things I enjoy and give me a sense of achievement, which will then help me when my brain goes into overdrive! Wow that felt really good to type... My friend has also bought be some good quality headphones which is helping a lot! My earphones broke the other day, just when I really needed some music, so these are going to really help when I need to calm myself down. I can immerse myself in music! I'm going to try and get back into my hobbies as well, I'm hoping that this is a turning point :)

 

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Hey @Marv,

 

It's really good to hear that you've started an online CBT programme - how's it going? CBT is one of the most successful therapies out there, so I hope this works for you :)

 

Have you seen our article on OCD? You might find it helpful... I think it will be good for you to have a look at point 6 in detail which explains how it can be helpful to give the OCD a character as this helps you to separate the OCD from yourself. https://www.ditchthelabel.org/7-things-you-should-know-ocd/

 

What do you think? Speak soon,

-Monsoon

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hey @Monsoon

 

CBT is going well, thanks. I'm also talking to a counsellor which is helping a lot. Thank you for the article on OCD, too! I think at some point I'm going to talk to my doctor and see if they can refer me to anyone regarding the OCD. But yes, it's going well. Hopefully the ball will keep rolling and things will start to change soon :)

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Hey @Marv

 

It's always good to hear from you and I'm really glad to hear that things are going well for you. I'm sure things will start to change soon - you're doing all the right things to help yourself. We are alway here if you need us :)

 

Sending positive vibesss

-Monsoon

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