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Is revenge ever justified?


JELDEN97    

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23 y/o (m) Not one for self-pity (maybe a little haha) but I've been through a pretty hard year, dealing not only with a shitty breakup but also my own personal struggles with anxiety...having been through such a tough time though, I am feeling increasingly confident that I am getting better...that I am learning how to be stronger and more courageous. I still have a way to go but I'm definitely closer to becoming the person I want to become. However...

 

Without going into too much detail about the breakup that happened 10 months ago now...my partner of 4 years blindsided me with a breakup over a phone call with no warning, no discussion, no chance to really communicate and certainly no chance to fix anything. She then blocked me that same night and ghosted me...we spoke once 2 months later (8 months ago) in which we agreed to talk again after some time apart. She has since ghosted me again and the situation had become really ugly. Without boring you with the details, I've reached out too much (finding any means possible considering she blocked me on everything) and I can see how it would have driven her further away and I feel trapped in a bit of a cycle in which me reaching out makes me look crazy and only justifies her decision to ignore me in the first place...but in my mind she blocked me without justification on the first night of our breakup! She hasn't responded to any of my attempts and I know how unhealthy going down such a road is. She asked me to respect her feelings when she broke up with me and yet she's done nothing to respect mine. Obviously this is frustrating when you were blindsided and ghosted by someone you cared so much about. I've reflected a lot on why she broke up with me (having had no explanation from her) and I can see that the relationship we had wasn't healthy - it wasn't abusive or controlling or anything but we were young and inexperienced and we were holding each other back from finding ourselves essentially. I can see how I stressed her out by worrying too much but we genuinely cared so much about each other and the mistakes I made (like not living in the moment enough) were not because I didn't care but because I was inexperienced and dealing with anxiety (it isn't an excuse and I am working on it now for my own health and happiness). I realise we needed time and space apart but the level of cruelty she has shown has really surprised and hurt me. To feel so used and betrayed by someone you loved is really hard to deal with. Yeah we needed time apart but we could have respectfully kept in touch at least and caught up as we agreed. ANYWAY haha, and I haven't covered everything there, I'm at a stage where I don't know if I'm making the right decision...

Throughout our time at university together, I edited all of her work for her, not only checking her grammar and phrasing (she was fluent but English was her second language), but also adding/subtracting significantly to her work. I know we shouldn't have done this but I cared about her and after she missed an exam through illness, she really needed the highest grades she could get. Looking back, it was obviously wrong...you should never help anyone cheat, even someone you love (especially someone you love). I've reported her (and myself) to the university and I don't know if I'm making the right decision. There's no question that she (we) cheated and so my conscience is clean in that regard, but I offered her the help willingly and freely because I cared about her...if I now use it against her then it means the help I offered wasn't really free and it's confusing me. I know that I'm trying to hurt her but I don't want to...I just want to talk to her...and I know that by reporting her I will probably lose any chance to ever talk to her...but without reporting her she'll never know how much she hurt me and she'll never learn that there a consequences to your actions. I don't know if I'm seeking revenge and I don't know if it will end well. Part of me feels so strongly that after going through 10 months of wondering why the girl I loved couldn't even say goodbye to me and wouldn't even give me a chance to end on peaceful/bittersweet terms and instead sat back ignoring me whilst knowing the pain I was going through, that I should feel no guilt for reporting her for something she did. But part of me still cares for her even if I can't love someone who was willing to hurt me the way she did. I don't know if I will feel better or worse...I don't know if this is right. I don't know if what I am doing is justified...part of me feels that what I'm doing is necessary...if she thinks she can go through life blindsiding and ghosting (essentially betraying the trust of someone who trusted you) without consequence then I would rather try teaching her now that her actions have a real impact on real people. Ghosting removes all sense of personal responsibility and I don't think in her mind that what she did had a real impact on my life...I wouldn't want her to do it to anyone else because it's not a nice thing to go through (understatement haha)...betraying the trust of someone that trusts you is in my opinion one of the worst things you can ever do to someone (psychologically anyway!) - you are well within your rights to break up with someone, but you have a duty to those that trust you to be honest and upfront and respectful...if you have issues you should communicate them and give your partner a fair chance to at least work on fixing any issues you have before blindsiding them and then offering no explanation. Apologies for ranting and I really do appreciate any advice!

 

Thanks for any replies!

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Hello @JELDEN97

 

Thank you for reaching out to us; we are here to help you through this and you are not alone.

 

I'm so sorry to hear about your breakup. Breakups are hard enough as they are, but to go through not being able to contact them to talk about things properly must be so hard for you. Having that sense of closure can really help us to move on and I can see why not having that would be upsetting. Do you think there's a reason that she ghosted you rather than talking it out properly? Also, I am with you in that it would have been helpful to be able to talk about what happened with her. However, she is putting a boundary in place by not responding and boundaries like this need to be accepted for what they are, despite how they may make us feel.

 

With the revenge part, many people go down this route to prove a point e.g. to get back at someone for hurting them. From supporting people in situations where revenge is involved, the person tends to feel good immediately after they've done it, but this is then followed by a strong sense of regret. What do you think about this?

 

Stay strong, Jelden. We are here for you :)

 

 

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Hi, thanks for the reply.

 

I've wondered everyday for 10 months now why she ghosted me....why someone I loved and trusted couldn't even say a proper goodbye to me. The only reason I can think of is that in order to justify her sudden breakup, she found it easier to completely ignore me...that way, knowing once I reached out (inevitably haha...nobody would have the willpower to not try contacting a partner of 4 years would they...?), she would be able to justify her decision to ignore me in the first place by starting a loop in which I would reach out and look crazy and she would thus be able to justify her decision to keep ignoring me...it's so immature in my mind. Why not talk like adults? Why not show someone that loved you enough respect and empathy to at least talk to them like a human being after you've hurt them.

 

I know that hurting her in revenge will probably just make me feel worse in the end...but surely she deserves to suffer? She really did cheat at uni (with my help) and so my conscience is clear in that regard. Should she not learn how much she hurt me? I felt so bad when I thought of hurting her, but I am realising that the girl I loved is dead...I won't be hurting her...I'll be hurting this cruel new person that replaced her and that hurt me. I know it sounds messy but feeling so betrayed for so long now has really affected me. She will either accept the accusation and suffer the consequences (losing her degree perhaps) or she will deny it which would be a lie and I'm a firm believer that lying damages your soul..either way she will suffer. And I know this sounds so bad...I don't want to inflict pain on someone I cared so much about...but she isn't that person, that person doesn't exist anymore other than in my memories.

 

 

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Hey @JELDEN97

 

Thanks for getting back to me. I can really see how this has affected you and why you feel the way you do towards her. Everything just stopped for you one day and it was no more, and it's so hard to deal with such a loss when you can't even speak to the person.

 

Do you think that there's another way around this? I can see why you want to make her feel bad, but I just worry that it might make you feel worse rather than better, and your wellbeing is important to us.

 

-Monsoon

Edited by Monsoon

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Thanks for the reply!

 

Yeah you're right. It's hard because it feels like the person you loved suddenly died. It feels like you are grieving their death when they suddenly left your life with no warning and no discussion afterwards. I don't know how someone could ever do that to somebody that trusted them. Everyone has the right to leave a relationship but you have a duty of trust when you build meaningful relationships and shattering that so suddenly is so cruel. One of my fears is that I don't want to take trust issues into future relationships. It has been 10 months now but I still feel too hurt to even consider dating again...but I don't want to lose out on meeting new people and building new relationships just because of the pain someone else put me through. How will you be able to trust someone new when someone you'd spent 4 years with could turn out to be so cold and selfish.

 

I've withdrawn the accusation I made against her form the university despite it's truth because I know it'll just hurt me. I haven't forgiven her and I don't know how to but at least avoiding anymore conflict will help me heal, even if it means she'll never suffer and she'll never know how much she hurt me.

 

I think one of the hardest parts of such a breakup is trying not to obsess over your feelings. I've felt so hurt and so used and so betrayed and angry etc for so long that I think I've taken comfort in those feelings because they maintained an emotional connection between me and her...even if it was one way. Trying to accept that she did what she did and that I have to heal is quite difficult because as pathetic as it sounds, when your thoughts have been so consumed by one thing for so long, it can be difficult to know what to fill the void with once you let go.

 

Thanks again!

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Hello @JELDEN97

 

Thanks for getting back to me. You're definitely right about how it's like grieving a death, maybe even a sudden death, and when you take a step back, it completely makes sense that you've responded this way. I think that in terms of meeting new people, you have to do what's right for you and what you think you need right now. Is that meeting new people to date or having time to heal? It can be a tricky one.

 

I must say, from what you've told me, it sounds like you've reached a real turning point in your journey. I can definitely see what you mean about how your connection has stayed because of your anger towards her and that you're now wondering how to fill the void. But for now, maybe you don't need an answer to it. It might be a case of just going with the flow and seeing what happens. What do you think?

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Thanks for all the replies! Yeah you're right...it's about acceptance and going with the flow for now. It's still going to hurt...having your partner and best friend walk out without so much as a goodbye is obviously painful (I must have meant nothing to her if she could so easily dispose of me) but I'll be ok. Thanks for the replies :)

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