I don't know how to talk about my past same-sex experimenting with my gf

[Smashingpumpkins]

I'm a male and I have always been attracted to women, sexually and romantically. During my early twenties I was going through a rough patch, was drinking quite a bit and my mental health wasn't fantastic. I'd also had my own doubts about being straight, I thought I may be bi or at least bi-curious. On two occasions in a couple of years, when I was very drunk I ended up experimenting with a male friend who is a gay and then a later another male friend who is bi. We did not go all the way but we did fool around.

 

During this time I was also emotionally down to a situation going on with an ex who was female. It was quite a confusing time.

 

After the incidents of experimenting I felt very anxious and I regretted it happened as the perception towards male bisexuality or at least male experimentation is very negative in society. Attitudes towards it seem to be conservative.

 

As stated, I'm confident in my sexuality now, I'm in a loving relationship with my girlfriend but it feels like I have this hidden burden which occasionally makes me anxious.

 

No doubt I had some curiosity and I had some confusion as the experiences wouldn't have happened otherwise but I do not find myself wishing to be in a relationship with another guy nor do I walk around looking at other guys interested. This was the case before I met my girlfriend too.

 

Essentially, I experimented when drunk and when I had some confusion over my sexuality. I don't want to bring it up as I fear that she will not be accepting and I will get given a label which does not apply. I don't know how to accept this experimentation as just that and move on.

 

[Remi]

Hello @Smashingpumpkins

 

Welcome to our community, we're really glad you've made it here.

 

Experimenting with our sexuality is so common, and even if it's not always widely discussed a lot of people experiment. I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling some sort of shame around this, and want you to know that there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. It's important to understand what you like and don't like.

 

Do you feel like you want to tell your girlfriend about the experience, clear and open communication is important in a relationship, however you don't have to tell your partner every single part of you? I think it's worth just acknowledging it, and saying to yourself that this was an experience you had that shaped you in some way and that it's a normal and natural experience that you've had.

 

Let us know how you're feeling now!

 

Remi

 

 

 

Edited August 21, 2020 by Monsoon
noticed a typo - hope that's ok!

[Smashingpumpkins]

Hi Remi,

 

Thank you so much for your reply.

 

It did help a lot to read what you said.

 

I do agree that experimentation is no bad thing, there was clearly some bi-curiosity on my behalf even if I was very drunk each time. I had the interest then but in my day to day life I don't feel the desire or wish to pursue it.

 

I think fundamentally for me my concern is that I identify at heterosexual, who having had doubts about myself experimented as is now worried that these experiences will define me in other people's eyes and whatever I say will be seen as some form of denial.

 

 

With my girlfriend, open and honest communication is important and I don't want to feel as if I'm hiding anything but equally it appears as the past is somewhat unimportant as we love each other for we are now.

 

I also appreciate that this dilemma may not seem like much of an issue for other people.

 

[Monsoon]

@Smashingpumpkins Hey,

 

Glad you found Remi's advice useful. I get what you mean about open and honest communication being important, but, I wonder, what are the positives and negatives to telling your girlfriend about your past? If you feel like this part is unimportant, then it sounds like there's no need to discuss it, especially if you're worried about how people will look at you. But yeah, maybe weigh up the pros and cons of telling her versus not telling her?

 

Speak soon