How can I determine my sexuality?

[Zara]

Hello,everyone! My name is Zara. I'm questioning my sexuality and this is causing me great distress. I've been in this condition for six years now. I 've been experiencing sexual fantasies with both men and women. I've had a few relationships with men and have been attracted to men. Six years ago I started checking out girls on the street. I am very confused and I told my parents that I might be gay or bisexual. They answered that that means death to them and they would kill themselves if I turned out to be gay or bisexual.I tried to kill myself over this dilemma. Could you please enlighten me about bisexuality and what that means exactly? Can one be attracted more towards one gender and still have an attraction to another?How do I know if my feelings are real ? How do I determine who is my life partner-a boy or a girl? Also I 've got what my therapist calls internalized homophobia. I feel guilty for liking girls. How do I deal with that? Thank you in advance.

[Monsoon]

Hey Zara,

 

Thanks for reaching out to us

 

I'm sorry to hear about your parents' reaction and that you tried to take your own life. Can I ask, do you currently still have these feelings? We care about your safety and want to make sure you're alright.

 

Being bisexual means that you are attracted to both men and women. However, you don't have to like both equally. It can be helpful to think of sexuality as a spectrum, such as being more attracted to men than you are women. You might find that as time goes on, this balance can change, and that's normal. One way to explore your feelings could be to try dating women if you haven't already. This will give you an idea of whether it's for you or not. With determining your life partner, I guess that you won't really know until you meet the right person. When you do, regardless of their gender, you'll know when it's right, so it's important to keep an open mind.

 

That's interesting that your therapist says you have internalised homophobia. Do you think you have this? If so, how come?

 

Hope to hear back from you soon. Take care,

-Monsoon

[Zara]

Thank you for writing me back, Monsoon. I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. Back in 2016 I had intrusive thoughts that I was gay. I got scared and my sexuality was all I thought about. My mind was blocked and I was in university at the time and could not study or do anything.That is why I tried to kill myself. Fast forward to now , I still have intrusive thoughts that I'm a lesbian, but I can control them now. Recently, I had a crush on a guy, but I still have those intrusive thoughts. I would try dating women, but I'm afraid I would hurt the person,if it turns out I'm not into women. I fear that if I try to date a man , he would reject me if it turns out I like women too. My internalized homophobia stems from the environment that I live in.My parents are homophobic and so is the country I live in. I accept gay people fully, but I cannot accept myself as gay. I believe that it would be wrong for me to be gay. Thank you for your attention.

[Monsoon]

Hey @Zara

 

I'm glad to hear that you don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. I understand that you're feeling scared about dating a woman incase you hurt them if you then figure out you're not into women. Could it be that you have some casual fun with a woman and see how it goes? It would be important to explain to the other person that you're unsure at the moment and just want to explore your sexuality. With dating a man, if they didn't accept the part of you that likes women, then you deserve better. You deserve to be accepted for who you truly are.

 

I get what you're saying about how your internalized homophobia has stemmed from the environment that you're in. Many people who are LGBTQIA++ can struggle with negative internalised feelings that have been communicated to them from society. With internalized homophobia, people tend to slowly overcome this as they begin to accept themselves more and more. This often starts with identifying your sexuality and then coming out. There is a misconception that coming out means you automatically accept yourself. It often takes time, and it's a process we have to be patient with. From my own experiences, I know how this can be frustrating. Does your therapist have any thoughts for overcoming internalized homohpbia?

 

Let me know what you think. Speak soon,

-Monsoon

[Zara]

Thank you for your advice, Monsoon. My therapist says that, in order to free myself from internalized homophobia I need to distance myself from my parents. I have to set some boundaries with them and become my own person. I will be graduating from university soon and will be looking for a job. In a few years, I hope I get to move out. She advised me to talk to people with similar experiences and that is why I reached out to you online. She( my therapist) also says that accepting your sexuality is a process.

[Monsoon]

Hey @Zara

 

Yeah, becoming your own person and setting boundaries with them will help. I came out shortly before I moved to university, and living away from my family and experiencing life outside of my home helped me to become my own person. As time has gone on, I've accepted myself more and more. I never thought I would get to this point, but I did. I just had to be patient and trust the process. I definitely think moving away will help, but even if you don't move away straight away, building your support network outside of the home will help you. How are you feeling about everything now?

 

-Monsoon