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I hate myself


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So i realised something. One day, I'm gonna have to come out to my parents and other family members. I mean, one day I'm gonna have a serious relationship and i can't hide that. I really don't want to but somethings have to be said i guess. This gives me a lot of internalized homophobia. I feel like it is a lot easier being straight . Another thing that gives me internalized homophobia is the fact that there are so many people i know for so long and/or get along with who might think highly of me will be disappointed when they learn that I'm gay. They will never accept who i am. I can't change. I just hate myself bc I feel like I'm the one who's ruining everything. I don't know if i could ever live in peace.

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Hi @Random!

I know how you feel and I've felt this way about two years. Lately, though I've been coming into terms about my sexuality and there is a phrase that I worded to myself just today. "If they can't accept me the way I am, then they are not worth my time." That is actually the absolute truth and if they don't like you for who you are, then you don't need 'em! I understand, that coming out is hard, but at some point, you have to. My advice is, make sure that you are comfortable with yourself and with the fact that you are gay. Trust me, it takes a lot of time for it to get there and you just know it when it does. Then maybe come out to only one individual. Maybe a trusted friend or a family member, who you suspect wouldn't judge you. Then, the second or the third time, it's a lot easier.

 

Yes, it is easier to find a bf/gf if you are straight. There is no point in denying that, but being gay doesn't make it any less wonderful. Being gay is also what makes you special and if possible just try to embrace it.

 

Overall, I think that you should come out when you feel like you are ready/ moved out. Your family might take time to process it (I personally don't understand why it's so weird to be different but I guess it is how it is), but they most likely will eventually accept you.

 

If you want to get confirmation that people can accept you for who you are then just check out Ptx/Superfruit. Pix's two singers (out of five) are gay and they have over 18 mln subs on YouTube. The same guys also have their own channel where they make a lot of funny videos with them being open and very honest (and funny) about their sexuality. I think they helped me reach that "clearing point" that I mentioned earlier. Plus they are also great singers and who doesn't like great music?

 

Anyways, good luck with everything and I hope that my "all-over-the-place" advice helps!

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Hey @Random

 

Yeah, you're right in that some things just have to be said. I think that it would be really painful for you to stay in the closet. It's deffo easier to be straight in this world. Imagine not having to come out or have people giving you funny looks just for being who you are? I am gay and I understand the process. For many, coming out is just the start, and actually accepting ourselves can take more time because of internalised homophobia. However, it does get better, but you have to be patient and trust the process. Just know that you are special and you deserve happiness as your authentic self just as much as anyone else.

 

With coming out, I do think that it's important to give people a chance to come round. There are so many reasons as to why people can react badly at first, but these people often do come round. We have a support guide for that here: https://www.ditchthelabel.org/my-parents-didnt-react-well-to-me-coming-out/ (although written about parents, this can apply to anyone really)

 

What do you think about this? I really do know how you're feeling and I can help you if you want it. Speak soon,

-Monsoon

 

 

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Hi @Random!

I know how you feel and I've felt this way about two years. Lately, though I've been coming into terms about my sexuality and there is a phrase that I worded to myself just today. "If they can't accept me the way I am, then they are not worth my time." That is actually the absolute truth and if they don't like you for who you are, then you don't need 'em! I understand, that coming out is hard, but at some point, you have to. My advice is, make sure that you are comfortable with yourself and with the fact that you are gay. Trust me, it takes a lot of time for it to get there and you just know it when it does. Then maybe come out to only one individual. Maybe a trusted friend or a family member, who you suspect wouldn't judge you. Then, the second or the third time, it's a lot easier.

 

Yes, it is easier to find a bf/gf if you are straight. There is no point in denying that, but being gay doesn't make it any less wonderful. Being gay is also what makes you special and if possible just try to embrace it.

 

Overall, I think that you should come out when you feel like you are ready/ moved out. Your family might take time to process it (I personally don't understand why it's so weird to be different but I guess it is how it is), but they most likely will eventually accept you.

 

If you want to get confirmation that people can accept you for who you are then just check out Ptx/Superfruit. Pix's two singers (out of five) are gay and they have over 18 mln subs on YouTube. The same guys also have their own channel where they make a lot of funny videos with them being open and very honest (and funny) about their sexuality. I think they helped me reach that "clearing point" that I mentioned earlier. Plus they are also great singers and who doesn't like great music?

 

Anyways, good luck with everything and I hope that my "all-over-the-place" advice helps!

Thanks for giving your advice :)

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Hey everyone, thank you for your answers. I have a few things to say. Mammu said that if they don't accept me i don't née them. Maybe that's true but it's that grief that loss that annoys me i feel like i lost someone and it's out of my control i hate that.

Also I did come out to some people including my sister and they took it well but i did come out to a person and they made me hate myself. I hate coming out. I wish i didn't have to.

I read the guide and it's great. But

About having an open discussion . They're religious. How do i explain to them that God doesn't hate me and that he made me this way? . How am i gonna explain that this isn't a choice? My mom is gonna freak out, i don't know what my dad will do he might send me to a priest to get converted or something idk. All i know is that his reaction is gonna be terrible. What do i do?

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Hey @Random,

 

I know what you mean about the grief of losing someone over something that shouldn't cause such a thing; it's awful. I think that although it's easy to say 'They don't accept me, so they aren't worth my time', when it's someone you care deeply about, this can be traumatic. This is why I sent you the article about people who have bad reactions to this sort of thing.

 

I'm glad that some people have reacted well, but I'm sorry to hear that someone didn't react well. Just know that you are not the problem here, it's their attitude, but I understand how that makes you hate coming out.

 

With coming out to your parents, if there's a chance that your safety isn't guaranteed, then you need to wait until you're able to support yourself/living away from your parents. We care about your safety here at DTL and we want to make sure that you're going to be alright. I think that when coming out to them, on your part, I would try to keep religion out of it. It would be good to explain that this isn't a choice, and although religion complicates it, you just want to be accepted and loved for who you are. They might take a while to come around, and this is where it's really important to be patient with them and ride it out. It will be tough, but it will be worth it too. Have a look at this article as you might find it useful: https://diversechurch.website/home/1...istian-parents

 

Let me now what you think of all this :)

-Monsoon

Edited by Monsoon

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Hey,

Thank you for your response. It helped a lot i think I'm gonna come out to them when i get into a serious relationship and when I'm secure. I feel more confident about coming out.

There's this other problem, sometimes i get uncomfortable around my family since they're a bit narrow minded homophobic, transphobic and have no idea who i am and i feel so homesick. Any idea on how to make the environment more bearable?

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Hey,

 

I'm glad you found the advice helpful. I think that to make the home life more bearable, why don't you set yourself little goals of doing something that makes you feel more comfortable and like yourself infront of them? This could be one thing a week, a month, etc. I just think that it would be good to start feeling more comfortable expressing yourself in front of them. Also, could you focus on the positive things about home? It might be that actually, things don't change for a while and you have to accept it for what it is at the moment. Maybe you could reply with three things that you like about your family/home life? Another thing that you could do is plan some fun activities to do with your family. This will help you to focus on how it is having a good time with them which will make the environment more bearable for you.

 

Let me know what you think of these suggestions :)

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Hey,

I like your ideas but i feel uncomfortable doing anything with my family, i just feel like sitting in my room and thinking about my sexuality. I do spend time with them, but when i do so too much, the only thing i think about is how they're not going to accept me and i feel this urge to scream :" I'm gay! " and run away, i always think about running away . However i will try to make those goals also here are the three things i like bout home :1-they love me .2-they provide me with what i need.3-i have a supportive sister.

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Hello random,

 

I'm Remi, i'm one of the other support mentors, have you had any thoughts about running away recently. It sounds like you recognise that they care about you and that you feel loved and have a supportive sister, what do you talk to her about, is she older than you?

 

You don't have to speak to them before you are ready, there are so many different parts of your personality to connect with them with right now, until you are ready to make the choice as to whether or not you want to come out.

 

Lean on online communities like this one, as this is a non judgmental space, so if you want to get out how you are feeling this is your space to do so.

 

How does this sound?

 

Remi

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Hey, thank you for your reply. Yes, i did think of running away lately. But i try to think of something else.

My sister is older than me, i talk to her about almost everything including my sexuality and everything revolving that.

Thank you for making me feel so welcome. I will lean on this community for the moment to feel more comfortable. I want to be free one day from the worries of coming out and it's getting better but i still have some preparing to do.

When coming out, what do you think is the ideal way of doing it : writing a letter or telling them in person or having a talk where my therapist is also present?

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Hey Random,

 

Thanks for replying. We understand why you think about running away; coming out can be nerve-wracking, especially when your parents have homophobic and transphobic views. We care about your safety here and we wouldn't want you to be put in any kind of danger by running away, so I'm glad that you'll try to think of something else.

 

With coming out, the ideal way of doing it depends on the person and the situation really. If there is the potential for the parents to react badly because of homophobia and/or transphobia, then I think it would be best to do it with someone else present if possible. That way, the other person can act as a mediator to make sure that everyone stays calm and respectful of each other. On the other hand, writing a letter and having some time for them to think about it before talking to you might also work to help everyone stay calm. We have an article here about coming out which you might find useful: https://www.ditchthelabel.org/coming-out-homophobic-parents/

 

Above all else, you don't have to come out if you don't feel ready. This is your journey and you get to call the shots :). Also, we would only encourage you to go ahead with coming out if it's safe to do so e.g. there's no chance you'll get kicked out. Let me know what you think of all of this and we can go from there.

 

Speak soon and remember that we are always here for you if you need us :)

-Monsoon

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Hey, thank you so much for your reply . It really helped me realize that i need some time getting ready. Thanks to the article, i came up with a coming out plan : since there still is a chance i will get kicked out or mistreated by my dad i will only tell my mom. I don't know when i will come out .but when i will,I will write a letter and when the time to talk comes i will have my sister with me.

Meanwhile i will get ready. I'm not sure how to, i think it's like you said :making this small goals perhaps coming out to strangers. What do you think?

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Hey Random,

 

 

That sounds like a good plan, if you think your Mum will react okay and not tell your Dad? Yes I think it could be a great idea to access online platforms and come out to online friends before IRL people.

 

I get why you feel stressed and wanting to run away, but the truth is we can't run from things, and they usually always catch up with us eventually, the best thing to do is be as prepared as you can and give yourself lots of self care and love during this time.

 

We're here for you, and we think you're doing a great job so far!

 

Remi

This Digital Mentor Account is no longer active.

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Hey, thank you so much for the support. Yesterday i came out to my sister's friend. It went well and i feel so relieved. It was hard in the beginning i found it hard to say the words, i was shaking and i just didn't want to say it. But i did. I am now one step closer to coming out to my parents.

Also, i was thinking about the moment i get a partner. I mean i want to have one but i feel anxious about it and like I'm not good enough. I'm so scared I'll do anything wrong that i kind of stay away. Got any advice?

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Hey Random,

 

I'm glad to hear that you told your sister's friend. Coming out to more and more people will help build your confidence for telling your parents :)

 

Your question isn't stupid at all. We have all battled with the feeling of not being good enough for ourselves and a potential partner, and it's completely normal. Everyone makes mistakes in relationships, and when you find the right partner, those mistakes will be worked through and put in the past. I know that you're anxious about it, but when you have a partner, the positives of being with someone you like/love can make you move your focus away from being worried about making mistakes. We have a support guide here which might be helpful: https://www.ditchthelabel.org/need-to-know-dating-tips/

 

Have you seen our article about self-esteem? I think it would be good for you to have a read and let me know what you think https://www.ditchthelabel.org/overco...w-self-esteem/

 

Finally, to finish off, I'd love to to know at least five things you like about yourself/what people like about you/what you're good at. When you feel down about yourself, it can be good to remember them! Anyway, let me know what you think. Take care :cool:

 

 

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Hey, i read the articles and they're really helpful. Here are five things i like about myself :

1-I'm a cute person

2-I'm artistic

3- when i want something, i go for it

4- i always look for a solution

5-i want to help people

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@Random Hey there,

 

That's a great list. I wonder if you can challenge yourself to remember that list whenever you start to feel bad about yourself? Doing this over time can help to change the way we think about ourselves. I'm glad that you found the articles helpful and I'm wondering how you're feeling about everything now? :)

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Hey, i feel better. I'm more confident about coming out to my parents. I came out to a friend the other day. My internalized homophobia is a lot less intense. And i can't wait to get a partner so we can make each other better. Thank you for your help!

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Hey @Random

 

Glad to hear that you're feeling better :). Confidence is really helpful when coming out, so it's great that you're feeling more confident with this.

 

We are here if you need us

-Monsoon

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