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Feeling extremely guilty for taking revenge


mjh
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Hey.

I've been having a lot of mental health issues recently due to my CPTSD. One of them are nightmares. Nightmares about a boy who used to bully me in high school every day for being gay. He was not the only one. So many of them used to bully me on a daily basis. Not knowing how to cope with anger and symptoms I have to endure, I decided to do revenge on him, so I created a fake grindr account with his pictures on it and I connected his instagram account to grindr so people could message him. I thought to myself 'okay, now he's gonna see he is floating around on a gay hookup app and he's gonna freak out once guys start messaging him on istagram'. It felt good for a day, but then I started feeling so guilty for what I have done, knowing that some people commit suicide because of cyber bullying. I am a bully now in this case, and I feel so ashamed and regretful for what I've done, and I am afraid that guy is gonna harm himself because of it. After I realized what I've done, I deleted the account. I kinda feel like I am losing control over my own actions and I am afraid because I obviously have serious mental health issues I don't know how to control. I am on medication that doesn't help me and I am very suicidal because I have triggers and flashbacks every day. I fear my mental disorder is gonna bring me and other people in danger.

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  • Digital Mentor

Hi MJH.

 

Thanks for reaching out to us for support. We are here to support you through this. You are not alone :)

 

After reading your post, I'm concerned that you might end your life. Can I ask, do you have a plan to take your own life? Please know that this feeling is only temporary and that you can get through this. We are here for you. I have also emailed you a support resource to help with these feelings.

 

We support Monday - Friday, 9am - 5.30pm (BST) via our community https://www.ditchthelabel.org/community/ and there are more options below:

 

This link will give you a list of all crisis lines worldwide: https://www.befrienders.org - You can also call your doctor or go to any emergency department and ask for help.

 

I think it's really brave of you to admit to what you have done to this guy. Although many of us can seek revenge after going through a hard time, which is a completely understandable reaction, if you do manage to get the revenge, it can often lead to feeling really guilty about it, as you are. I wonder, might it be worth reaching out to him to talk about it? It might make you feel better to know that he is okay.

 

From what you've said in your message, it's really important that you speak to a professional about this. We would hate for you to put yourself and others in danger. It's positive that you can recognise you might be on a slippery slope; you can help yourself get through this and you just need to speak to the right person. Would you consider going to your doctor about this? They would be the best person for you right now.

 

Please let us know if you are safe or not. We care about you here at DTL. We are always here for you.

 

Stay safe and speak soon.

 

- Monsoon

Edited by Monsoon

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I can't really contact him to see if he is fine because I'll be afraid for my own safety and safety of my parents who live in the same village as him, and he doesn't know who made the profile. You never know what he could do to me or them if he finds out. How can I let go of all this mess? It drains me emotionally.

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey,

 

Sorry, I didn't know you lived so close to each other. That's a shame because I think it would have made you feel better knowing he is alright. Is there another way you can find out how he's doing? He might not even know about it if no one messaged his insta directly which would be ideal!

 

I think a good thing to do next is to speak to someone professional about this. It can't imagine how worrying it must be for you to feel the way you currently do, especially thinking that you might be losing control. I really do think that a professional is the best person to help you with this. What do you think?

 

Stay safe. Speak to you soon.

 

-Monsoon

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