I need help determining my sexuality. I just don't know. Please?

[stillconfused]

Soo I've been taking lots of sexual orientation quizzes lately because I've been very confused. I grew up and still am in a deeply religious Roman Catholic country with very Christian schools, family and classmates so sometimes I'm not sure if my fear and desire to NOT be gay may affect on my willingness to see my actual sexual orientation.

 

Also, I'm currently a business major and would soon proceed to law and with my country not allowing same sex marriage with the Constitution blatantly saying marriage is only between a man and a woman, coupled with my fear of causing unnecessary hassle and discrimination upon myself because in business, words spread fast and I really don't want to jeopardize my career as a lawyer. I really want to reach far heights in law and I don't need anything to get in my way.

 

So ok. To the details.

 

I'm 19, in University and even since I was 13 I've battled with what my sexuality is. At first I thought I was nothing but straight but then I had these very confusing, guilty feelings over my best friend when I was 14 and 15. This was around the time same sex was legalized in the US and our school was making a big deal about it and making us write reaction papers with Bible verses expressing how we oppose it. Anyway, I felt really guilty about it, to the point I wouldn't ever change with my best friend in the same room because I felt guilty about my wandering eyes. Also, she wasn't of help either as she would always keep touching me, caressing her fingers up and down my arm, hugging me, and always leaning her head close to mine even when I try to pull away. It was very confusing. I ended up avoiding her and now, in college, we aren't in speaking terms.

 

So I questioned whether I was a lesbian after all. But I despised that because it was going to be so difficult. My own parents when hearing about other families with their gay kid problems would proudly put their hand on my shoulder and say: "Not my daughter. My daughter isn't like that. She likes boys and only boys. She is 100% a woman."

 

Anyway, I didn't like anyone after that for a few years so I wondered if I was asexual after all. Or maybe demi? Or maybe it was just a brief stint of teenage confusion. Sometimes I even questioned if I was bi after all because I admit sometimes I would look at a guys and girls and at their body and think: "God, I'm just really turned on and horny rn" but idk if it's because I'm sexually attracted to them or if I'm just horny and just wanted to release the sexual tension to anyone.

 

Anyway, last year, in my last year at high school, I think I had another crush. Yes, on a girl, again. Now we're the same age but she was a year lower than mine so we never talked but the most awkward thing was that during every lunch I would go to the library and we would always pass each other by in the hallway and always there would always be this lingering eye contact. Like I said, it freaked me out. I'm in a Christian school and after checking her social media, this girl even had some Bible verse in her bio! So I knew it was gonna be a bad idea, a part two of the drama before. Also, I was afraid my... Idk what you called it, desire? Lust? Was all to apparent in my eyes so it freaked me out Everytime we had eye contact. I didn't want to be known as "that dyke" in our school. I cringe at the thought. Anyway, I wasn't even sure what I'm feeling. Maybe I was jealous after all since one of my guy friends expressed feelings for her. Idk.

 

Anyway I'm in uni now and at first I thought I am ace although tbh once that "girl crush" once was towards me and I hid and walked away before she saw me. But it could just be other feelings I'm not aware of.

 

Anyway, I'm confused and troubled since my parents are wondering why I haven't found a boyfriend yet. The pressure! I'm 19 for God's sake! But I just haven't found anyone I liked, really. All of them are just so... Well then again, I find most human beings boring and not attractive in terms of someone I would like to date so maybe I'm the problem. But ugh, I don't want to date them! Or anyone! I don't like to them! Do I have to date someone?!

 

Anyway, I find this guy in class to be attractive, not personality wise, he's a dick, not his face either because its... ehhhh....but his body is well built and I do feel some kind of sexual pull but like I said, maybe I'm just horny. Anyway, the thought of dating him disgusts me. I just have the urge to fuck him. So, no, he's not a dating prospect.

 

Anyway, I had "crushes" again if it can be called that, on a girl. I thought I just admired her as a friend since she dances so well and doesn't judge my stiff dancing when we had to dance for our PE class. But idk. I feel really happy when we talk especially if she approaches and talks to me and I have this sense to be close to her. Also I felt... This weird mix of tightening and happiness in my stomach when today when we're having groupings she asked me what my group was and when she found out we we're different, she was like: aww, it's too bad we aren't group mates.

 

It is all really a bad idea and I question myself whether I should even questioned my sexuality if I might not even like the answer. I'm scared because I'm a very career and goal oriented person and also I really value family and making my parents proud. I also want to have children the natural way and have a stable husband who can take care of me and my kids in the future. Idk how I feel. Am I asexual but just likes sex with whoever? Am I Bi? Gay? Probably bi right? But idk how to feel that I'm constantly getting emotionally closed to women and getting so confused and feeling guilty.

 

So I need help and advicd please.

 

What do you think is my sexual orientation? And do you have any tips or advice with how I'm handling things? Any ideas is greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks and have a nice day!

[Remi]

Hello @stillconfused

 

I can see that there is a lot going on here for you. With a religion you feel does not recognise you, and a school with very homophobic practices and on top of that a family that may not accept you. I understand why you feel scared to be secure in your sexuality. I don't know what the laws in your country are, however, in a lot of countries it is illegal to discriminate against someone for their sexuality. If this isn't the case then you never need to share that with anyone, don't let that come in between you being a lawyer if that's what you feel like you were meant to be!

 

University is a great time to experiment, you are in no rush to meet anyone of any gender so don't let them pressure you into making a decision, it's entirely normal at 19 to not be dating yet. It sounds like right now you do have attraction to people of both genders so you may be bisexual but I really could not guess your sexuality. Have some fun and experiment if you feel you want to. You don't have to tell your parents if you do so and then you can just find out what YOU want instead of worrying so much about the future before it has happened.

 

Does that sound like something you would like to do?

 

We are always here for you to share have your feeling, our community is a safe space that is free from judgement, we want everyone to be their best selves!

 

-Remi