I know i'm getting fat, but everyone says I'm not

[Thafiona13]

Hi guys, before I get into more details, I need to give a little back story. So as a child, I was always overweight, my parents would constantly make me feel miserable because of it and I developed a fear of being in photos or even feeling happy around them. I started working out and trying to lose weight when high school was rolling around.

 

During my first year of high school, I developed my first crush but I knew I had no chance unless I lost weight. During this time I became anorexic then bulimic and I became the skinniest I ever was, but I was miserable and still believed I was fat. I was friends with my crush, and all my other friends said she liked me too but because of the voice in my head that always said that "I wasn't good enough" I never asked her out and kept starving myself and throwing up "guilty" foods.

The first year of high school was over and during the summer, my weight dropped even more and my metabolism worsened. I would go biking almost every day while barely eating all for the sake of losing weight.

Second year of high school comes and I am becoming more depressed so I talked to a guidance counsellor, she said that I did indeed have an eating disorder and tried to tell me it was ok to eat.

After that first interaction, I allowed myself to eat junk foods for the first time in months but threw it up afterwards. But slowly and slowly I began eating more food and junk food and I felt like I couldn't stop. I could also see my weight creeping up in the mirror, I no longer had my ribs visible or the thigh gap between my legs. I wanted to stop eating and go back to the way I was but I just couldn't.

 

Now I was getting depressed because I am gaining weight back but my friends say I look better than before and I am not fat. But they can't see the extra weight on my belly, arms and legs and all of them are extremely thin. I feel like an imposter when they say I'm not fat but actually skinny. My parents have started to comment that I was gaining weight again and that is causing additional stress and I don't know how to deal with it.

 

 

Sometimes, I just want to disappear or sleep because I'm constantly tired but I know that's bad since those usually led to suicidal thoughts. I know this isn't a question but I really need to get it off of my chest.

 

[Elizzabeth]

Thank you for sharing, we all look at ourselfs differently always pin pointing something that needs to change. But your parents do not sound supportive of you,a they do not realise that you went through such a dangerous point partially due to them.

I know it's hard but listen to your friends they sound like they really care also consider talking to a doctor or someone who can really help because eating disorders are really dangerous and by the sounds of it you are lacking in nutrients. so please ask a doctor or someone because most likely you are thinking that you are fat when you are not because that's what the brain does to us once we get obsessive over something so we start hurting ourselfs I hope you realise that you are beautiful and you don't need to change that but if you do please do it healthfully.

[Elizzabeth]

Sorry I know it wasn't a question but I want you to get the help and recover properly.