Forced out and struggling

[Nell9317]

So... very recently my mother found out I was dating a girl and confronted me. I'm bisexual and am very in love with my girlfriend. I had recently moved out with her but not on impulse but purely to be closer to college to furth our careers. I'm 25 and am the youngest of 6. I'm also the only girl. I had always planned to have the conversation with my mother but I just hadn't found the right time. She ended up finding out the other day by my brother's new wife who was one a good friend of mine. She forced my brother to tell her instead of asking me. As being the youngest and only girl this has torn my family apart.. it's day 3 and it has been so painful. My parents are older so of course the first things said to me were that I'm wrong and dirty plus everything else that is said when this happens. My parents especially my mother are my world.. I've broken her heart which in return has broken mine. Plus I worry about her health since she is older. I'm scared. I'm hurting. My gf of course is beyond supportive, forcing me to eat and drink and overall take care of me. Some of my siblings have said they were here for me but after recent conversations I don't know if that's true. I just need help coping with this. I understand they need time but I'm worried for the worse. My family means so much to me and I feel like I have lost them. I don't know what to do and I just need any advice.

[Remi]

Hello @Nell9317

 

Firstly I'm so sorry this is happening, we should all have a choice when, how and to who we come out and i'm sorry that choice was taken away from you. That wasn't fair.

 

I know right now everything is really painful, and it may be for a little while but this is still really fresh for everyone involved. There is nothing dirty or wrong about who you chose to love or how to live your life... it is natural and you are very much loved.

 

It's good you have your girlfriend there for you, it sounds like she has your best interests at heart for you and she is doing the right thing, make sure you keep up with eating, drinking and going outside to get fresh air, these things are hard to remember to do when you are in crisis.

 

You haven't lost your family, they are hurt and confused right now, try and give them time to process and they may be better in the future - maybe in a few weeks try to write them a letter and see how you feel. Have you reached out to your other brothers at all?

 

I know this is a dark time, but it will get easier, this too shall pass.

 

We are always here if you need us...

 

-Remi

 

 

[Nell9317]

Hey thanks for responding..

My mother has responded to me, she told me she loved me and I'm still her daughter, but she won't accept me and my gf being together. She said she's going to pretend like she doesn't know. That hurts.. that has started a whole new kind of pain and anxiety. She's called me everyday since like she used to.. but idk.. I can't shake this anxiety.. I should be happy that atleaat she wants a relationship with me since thats all I wanted when I was waiting for her to reach out to talk to me.. but I just feel like I can't be happy and it leaves me with this anxiety that makes it hard to go on with my day.. it just feel like a huge load on my chest and it makes me feel horrible.. I haven't seen my mom.. but I want to so bad.. it been 8 days and I don't know if it's too soon for me to home and see her.. idk if that would help my anxiety.. I just need advice.. I keep looking for a way out of my anxiety..

[Remi]

Hey Nell9317

 

I'm so sorry your mother hasn't accepted your relationship and I completely understand why it hurts. Her erasure of your relationship and your love can feel so much worse than her anger so your feelings are completely valid.

 

With your anxiety try to breathe through it and remind yourself that you are safe when it gets bad. Make sure you are getting enough sleep and that you are eating and drinking regularly - keeping your routine as normal as possible should help.

 

It depends what you are expecting from seeing your mother, it feels like right now she isn't going to change her mind but if you just want to go with her and be around her then go ff you would like to. But manage your expectations as you may not hear what you want to when you are there and it's good to be prepared for this. Could you take a friend round for moral support?

 

Sending lots of solidarity your way, things will get easier.

 

-Remi

[Nell9317]

Hey,

so my mom and I had a two hour conversation the yesterday when I got off work. I work night shift. I was supposed to go to my parents house to sleep while I'm working in town. But since this happened, I asked a best friend if I could crash at her house. My mom was aware and actually called me after work to check on me. She explained that she was sorry for not offering for me to stay still, I guess she assumed I just would. But I explained to her that I didn't want to make her uncomfortable... She explained that I could still come to stay.. that it could be like before and all and I just cried.. because I really wish it could be.. she went on and on about how I was the daughter my parents always wanted... That they'll always love me.. but then it started.. I felt like she was trying to make me feel guilty. She still doesn't accept who I am.. she believes it's a phase and that I should pray to go to be shown what is right.. all I could do was cry.. I wanted to come.. I want to come home.. but after that conversation, idk if I should.. my life is just filled with nonstop anxiety, pain.. and crying..idk what to do.. part of me is thinking maybe I need more time.. maybe I shouldn't stop by.. maybe I should go back yt the apartment.. and part of me doesn't want to make my mom feel like I don't want to go home.. I do.. I just can't take anymore guilt.. I love my gf.. I love my family.. I dont want to have to choose. I shouldn't have to..

[Remi]

Hello @Nell9317

 

This all sounds very painful, It sounds like she loves you very much but her making you feel guilty is really manipulative. Maybe it is an idea to give the situation some space and not see your Mom for a while, you could do check-ins over the phone then at least you are in control of what you want to hear. I know you know this, but no amount of praying will change your sexuality.

 

You shouldn't have to chose. Stay strong throughout this and it will get easier in time. Keep us updated with how things are, we are here for you!

 

-Remi

[Nell9317]

So it's been a couple days now, I spoke to two of my brothers. They had called to check up on me.. I explained with all honesty how I was doing. I mentioned the anxiety and all.. they reassured me that I still have my family, that I am loved.. both my brothers feel I need to see my parents. They believe that a good amount of my anxiety is being caysed by the lack of reassurance that my parents and family still love me. I've really given more thought in seeing them soon. I was going to stop by to at least see my mom since I miss her despite the convocation we had the other day when I felt she was trying to make me feel guilty.. but she wasnt at home so I decided to head back to my apartment. Plus my oldest brother and dad were home and since I hadn't heard anything from them I felt I should give them more space or I was just worried they really didn't want anything to do with me. Turns out later that day my mom called me tell me that my dad had asked for me, that he said no matter what I'm still his daughter and that they can't turn their back on my despite the decisions I make.. my mom happened to agree with that too.. my dad wants me to be comfortable enough to be able to go home like I used to to see them. Part of me really wants to.. part of me feels like there is some truth in what my brothers said that seeing my parents could help my anxiety because I'll be reassured that they still love me and I didn't lose them, but then part of me is worried because I'm not sure what the reactions will be when we are face to face.I know I'll have to face then eventually.. I'm just worried. They keep saying they love me, and I see them trying and I don't not want to try to because I want them to see how important they really are to me..

[Remi]

Hello @Nell9317

 

You are being so strong throughout all of this process and we are so proud of you. Your parents do love you and they are telling you every day but you feel anxious because you feel guilty for doing something that they aren't very pleased with. This is a natural emotion.

 

In life, sometimes we do things that other people don't like but it really is the best choice for yourself. Letting people down is unavoidable unfortunately but it doesn't mean that you have done anything wrong.

 

I would say give it some time but only you can know the best thing to do.

 

Just keep checking in with us

 

-Remi