Tomboy or Transgender?

[Lauren or Tom]

My name's Lauren... or Tom, I am a 16-year-old girl who believes she's trans.

Ever since puberty hit, I hated being a girl and thought of myself as a tomboy. I spent years believing it. 'Tomboy' was apart of my usernames and it was what I told people, except for my grandad. He's religious.

I never really knew about transgender but I was reading a wattpad story and one of the characters was transgender and it got me wondering whether I was transgender.

I thought to myself, maybe I'm a boy. I've always hated being a girl, I hate breasts and periods and I've always wished that I was a boy, since becoming a tomboy, I've always enjoyed wearing boy clothes (my clothes include an average boy tshirt, shorts and a hat) and my hair is short as well, playing video games, I go hiking and fishing, mountain bike riding etc. I do all these boy things, I understand that girls do all these things as well but I still believe that I should be a boy.

When I researched about trans people, I learnt that most trans people get depressed and anxious. I dont experience those kinds of things, I mean I do get everyday anxiety.

When I started thinking about transgender, I decided to keep it to myself. That lasted barely a day because my dad asked me what I was doing and long story short, I told him what was going through my head.

I didn't want to tell anyone because about a year before my ex-best friend told me that someone else told her sister that girls at my all-girl school thought that i was a lesbian because i didn't really talk. I confronted my friend and she denied what she told me.

After that, I thought that I might be bi cause I had friends from both genders. That phrase ended pretty soon after I told my parents who didn't believe me. My dad told me that I should go to see probably the 5th counsellor I've had in my entire school life to talk to them about what was going through my head but I didn't want to cause of the same reason of the bisexual stuff.

We talked for a while but I still didn't have anyone for advice but there is a transgender boy at my school and i considered talking to him but my dad suggested i keep it in the family and i was too shy and scared to talk to the boy.

I eventually told my mum and she didn't really believe me. She told me that some girls also do the same things that I did but I rarely see girls that do what I do.

I told my friends who I'd known for maybe 2 weeks that I thought that I was trans and they believed me and barely batted an eye probably cause one of them was a lesbian and another one was bisexual.

I had the name Tom cause that was what I called myself for a while cause it was shortened from tomboy but I realised that the name didn't fit me what so ever. So I spent lunch with my friends, the day I told them, coming up with a guy name. I liked none of the names.

 

They started calling me Lorenzo as a joke but I didn't like that name either.

The trans stuff hasn't come up at all with my parents for a few weeks and I want to talk to them about it but I kno that it'll be too awkward.

 

Any tips?

 

I know that this was a jumbled but I need to put these thoughts somewhere so here they are.

 

Lauren or Tom

 

 

 

 

 

[Lauren or Tom]

I also forgot to mention, I will never or ever wear a dress or make up or any thing girly. I hate those things

[Remi]

Hey hey Lauren, or Tom XD,

 

Welcome to our community, you have raised some really interesting points here that I know a lot of our community will really benefit from your post.

 

So there is no correct way to be a woman or perform your feminity. You can be a woman and like masculine hobbies, wearing masculine clothes and still be a woman - if that's what you want to be. So don't feel like you are doing womanhood wrong.

 

However, If you do feel as though you are in the body, then you may be trans - not every trans person suffers from depression and anxiety but these mental health problems are elevated in the trans community because of stigma, misunderstanding and oppression. Have you looked into non-binary as well - where you don't have to conform to any construct of gender.

 

What would you like to have as a name? It's really great that you have such supportive friends. I think it's easier for young people to understand gender as a spectrum a lot easier than parents sometimes as they are more exposed to it.

 

I've posted some links to some really good resources called the Genderbread person which shows that everything is a spectrum and not binary or black and white, so have a read and let me know what you think.

 

 

Always here if you need us,

 

Remi

 

https://www.itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2019/02/gender-scales-or-spectrums/

[Remi]

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[Lauren or Tom]

Hey Remi,

Thanks for replying.

I'm so confused now. I keep thinking and believing that I'm trans or even asexual (i just realised the past few weeks that I have no interest in boys or girls. This probably the wrong part of the site to but this).

This probably has nothing to do with what you asked me but I spent a few years with two voices in my head. There's the boy side called Tom which is confident and helps me do things that the other voice doesn't or can't do. The other voice is the girl side called Girl (thoughts are weird). This voice is not confident what so ever. I couldn't do anything with the girl's voice.

But ever since thinking about the trans stuff both voices disappeared. Tom has appeared once and now my heads quiet.

 

All I want with a name is that suits me. I haven't spoken to my friends about being trans cause I now think they're bored with me talking about my problems.

 

Thanks,

Lauren or Tom

 

[Lauren or Tom]

the other thing is, I'm scared that if all this trans stuff is fake, how im going to tell people that im not trans

[Remi]

Hey Lauren or Tom,

I understand you feel confused. It does take a bit of work sometimes to figure all this stuff out. I wish it was easy and there was a one size fits all answer but there isn't.

Don't worry about being fake, you are still figuring things out and that is totally okay. It's a big life changing feeling so it's good you are taking the time to understand what you are going through and questioning yourself.

 

I always describe myself as a very masculine woman, because I feel like I embody a lot of masculine traits, but I present very feminine and I identify as a woman. If any of that is helpful, there is no rulebook on what you need to be but it's a journey you are on and if you feel you may not be trans then everyone will understand, you are questioning your gender and there is nothing wrong with that.

 

-Remi

[Lauren or Tom]

Hey Lauren or Tom,

I understand you feel confused. It does take a bit of work sometimes to figure all this stuff out. I wish it was easy and there was a one size fits all answer but there isn't.

Don't worry about being fake, you are still figuring things out and that is totally okay. It's a big life changing feeling so it's good you are taking the time to understand what you are going through and questioning yourself.

 

I always describe myself as a very masculine woman, because I feel like I embody a lot of masculine traits, but I present very feminine and I identify as a woman. If any of that is helpful, there is no rulebook on what you need to be but it's a journey you are on and if you feel you may not be trans then everyone will understand, you are questioning your gender and there is nothing wrong with that.

 

-Remi

Should I talk to a counsellor at school or something? I just want someone to confirm my thoughts. All of my research Ive done makes me conlude that Im trans but I want someone to say either yes or no

[Lauren or Tom]

I'm so happy, I talked to the trans boy at school and he was super nice and I feel so happy.

He completely understood what I was going through.

 

Can I say again, I'm so happy

[Remi]

Hello Lauren or Tom,

 

You could go and speak to your schools welfare advisor and get them to refer you for counselling. Nobody else will be able to confirm your thoughts, as they are your thoughts.

 

It's healthy and normal to explore your gender, don't be in a rush to make any decisions just yet. I'm so glad you spoke to that boy, do you think a friendship is on the cards for you?

 

-Remi

 

[Lauren or Tom]

I think there might be, even though he's really nice for some reason I feel really awkward around him, tho he's really nice. I had to get a friend, who's friends with the trans boy, to ask the trans boy whether he could help me. And I had to get my friend to come with me. Even tho the talk went really well, I still feel awkward. I don't know why.

 

Can there be an asexual transgender person?

 

Lauren or Tom

[Lauren or Tom]

And how do I conform my own thoughts when I don't know how?

[Remi]

The real answer is you don't just yet... I know it's hard but give yourself time to figure out who you are. It is a beautiful journey and there are so many other interesting things about you as well as your gender and your gender expression so try to focus on you and let that identity bloom as time goes on.

 

Your sexuality and your gender are different things that don't need to interplay so you can absolutely be transgender and asexual.

 

-Remi

Edited March 20, 2019 by Remi

[Lauren or Tom]

Is being transgender something to be proud of?

[Remi]

Hello @Lauren or Tom

 

Do you have a preferred pronoun or name you would like me to call you?

 

Absolutely being transgender is something to be proud of, it takes lots of courage to be an authentic version of yourself. do you think so?

 

 

Remi

[Lauren or Tom]

Online, I use the name Tom cause yea so you can call me that.

 

I do think that transgender is something to be proud of but it's really hard to look at it as a good thing if u know what i mean.

 

[Remi]

Hey Tom,

 

I feel you, but it is something to be proud of, and you should feel very proud of yourself!

 

-Remi