I know I’m not, but I think it and that’s the problem

[justagirl]

I think I’m ugly.

 

My parents and families and sometimes friends say I’m not, and there are times when I actually felt pretty.

 

I know its all in our heads but how can I change my mindset? How can I feel more confident? How can I raise my self-esteem??

 

Sometimes I just wanna cry but the tears won’t come out, and so I’m left there feeling numb and feeling my chest tighten. It feels like I’m underwater and I can’t breathe. Like the water is closing in on me— you know, like how an unexpectedly huge wave just comes above you and just pushes you down under, only you can’t get back up to the surface. You’re just there struggling to get out. That’s how it feels.

 

I know I can change the way I think but I don’t know how because I never get the motivation to. I am diagnosed with dysthymia (its a mild depression that can develop to depression) and anxiety which makes it harder for me to feel motivated and to step out of my comfort zone.

 

I thought I could leave all this behind because we were moving to a whole new place. I thought I could start anew, but when I got here, everyone is different from where I have been living my whole life. So it’s a really drastic change.

 

My anxiety didn’t help either. I could speak I guess but my mind ran constantly, thinking about all my negative points and how people will see me. Making a friend was hard. ITS SO HARD.

 

I assumed no one wanted to be my friend because I’m ugly. Why did I think that? Cuz my sister is prettier than me and in no time she found friends. THEY actually approached her while I’m just alone.

 

Eventually a nice girl approached me. She had two other friends— one was nice too while the other was intimidating. I felt vibes like she didn’t like me.

 

On the second day, she didn’t really hung out with us and whenever she talked to them, she had this warm and nice look but when I enter, she looks so grim. At first I thought maybe I was just overthinking but I know I wasn’t, because the day after, I made new friends (who I feel so much more comfortable with) and that girl started hanging out with them again.

 

Automatically, my thoughts went;

 

�maybe its cuz I’m weird looking?�

 

�maybe its cuz I’m asian??�

 

�Maybe its cuz I have short hair and they all have long hair???�

 

Am I ugly? I’d always ask myself and my family.

 

I know I’m average looking but I ALWAYS FEEL SO UGLY. Why’d it have to be me who feel this way?? I honestky don’t know.

 

But I want to stop having to look at others and compare myself to them. HONESTLY, everywhere I go, I find everyone so beautiful except myself.

 

I WANT TO STOP! HELP PLS!

[Remi]

Hello JustaGirl,

 

Thanks so much for sharing this here and a big welcome to our community.

 

Firstly I wanted to say, you write very well... you really eloquently explained what you are going through right now. Is writing a hobby of yours at all?

 

I'm so so sorry you are struggling with your confidence and self-esteem right now, you are not alone this is something that people say to me more than once every day. You have also just moved to a new place which must be making you feel displaced and vulnerable. New scenarios can be tough and throwing yourself our of your comfort zone, especially if you suffer from anxiety is going to be really tough. What you are feeling right now is 100% normal and 100% valid.

 

I can work with you on some tools that will hopefully improve your self-confidence, it is a long journey though so there is no 'one size fits all' answer to self-love. But here are some things I have done to improve my self-love:

 

Every time you have a negative thought like some of the ones that you've written below, I want you to press mute - visualise doing this in your mind.

 

Whenever you have any positive thoughts about yourself, I want you to turn the volume up as loud as it goes.

 

I compliment others a lot that makes me feel good.

 

Surround yourself with people that bring you up and not put you down.

 

That includes on social media too. Delete and unfollow accounts that make you feel bad or have unattainable beauty standards.

 

Instead of comparing yourself to everyone think about what they don't have that you do. We are all so unique and we can't all look the same so I am sure there is someone looking at you wishing they had something that you did.

 

It's good that you are recognising that your behaviour is making you sad and that you want to change. Being mindful and watching our thoughts can also be a step on the road to helping ourselves improve our self-esteem. I say to myself sometimes "Thoughts are not facts" - so the next time a negative thought cloud comes to you saying "i'm ugly" just watch it float by and then watch it leave again.

 

As I said this won't fix everything overnight but just by challenging some of this negative self-speak and removing negativity you should be able to notice some positive change.

 

Are there any clubs at your new school that you could join to help you meet some like-minded friends.

 

-Remi

 

[justagirl]

Hello!

 

Thank you so much for replying!

 

And yes, writing is a little hobby of mine and although I have a lot to improve on, thank you still for the compliment!

 

I’m at school writing this right now and I had been feeling jittery and nervous but when I read what you wrote, it instantly made me feel warm and okay so, thank you.

 

Also, I would definitely try your tips because I definitely think that thoughts should be the first thing I change and so, thank you so much for your tips!

 

But, I know there will definitely be days where I would give in to negativity and all my thoughts. There would be days where I’d believe all the crap I’m telling myself, so I wanted to ask if you if you have any tips for that?

 

Like when sadness hits me out of nowhere and I’ve got no motivation. What should I do then?

 

(also do you perhaps have any calming songs to recommend? especially when anxiety strucks)

 

Thanks

[Remi]

Hey hey Just Like a Girl,

 

No problem, it's what i'm here for and I'm really glad it made you feel better.

 

For moments when you just can't shut out the negative. I would say keep trying to do what I said and mute the voices. Sometimes we just have to let ourselves feel even though it feels horrible and scary so if this means crying, screaming into a pillow, let it out - it is natural. I would suggest trying a breathing exercise:

 

Breathe in for 4 counts, hold your breath at the top for 2 counts and then breathe out for 6 counts and repeat this 10 times.

 

You should also remember that thoughts are not facts and that this feeling will pass and you will feel better again.

 

On these days I would also suggest lots of self care - so don't put yourself into situations that will exacerbate your stress, don't try to do something new or put too much pressure on yourself, just getting up and getting out of the house if you can is an achievement on these days and it is enough.

 

When you are having those days, you can check in here with me if you like and we can talk through it.

 

-Remi

[justagirl]

Hello and Thank you so much Remi!

 

I’m slowly getting there and i’m slowly trying to accept that not everyone is observing me and keeping a watchful eye on me.

 

I’m still trying to mute the voices and I’m trying to learn to take a breath everytime I find myself thinking negatively or even just having an anxiety attack.

 

Thanks so much for the help!! It really means a lot!

[Remi]

No worries,

 

It will take a little bit of time to notice any changes so why don't you let me know how you get on with trying this after a week?

 

-Remi

[justagirl]

Hey Remi,

 

I think its been two weeks since I last posted and it was working at the start but I found myself automatically thinking I’m ugly again.

 

I find myself comparing myself to my younger sister who has thick eyebrows, amazing eyelashes, pretty big eyes, amazing body. She can even sing so good and draw pretty and she writes amazing stories. She’s outgoing and everyone likes her and I’m certain she’s the favorite child.

 

I have been comparing myself to her for as long as I can remember and its mostly because everytime we meet new people, they always bring up how we don’t look alike and how she’s the pretty child and she’s so beautiful etc while they always tell me that I should eat more and should gain more weight and my cousins tease me about my light eyebrows and how I don’t have body assests and I’m flat and how I look like a 12 year old even though I’m the oldest between us two.

 

I don’t know. I’m tired of it and I just wanna get away from her. I know it isnt her fault but it hurts all the time cuz I’m always constantly trying so hard but I never get appreciated or I’m never enough. It has come to a point that I don’t even try to study anymore or try to fix myself or try to please my parents.

 

I always get mad at her when she tries to comfort me telling me she also feels ugly and how she sees me as an inspiration etc but i constantly just push her away cuz I don’t wanna hear about it from her. I just don’t.

 

I’m going university next year and I just can’t help but think how I’ll be so happy once I move away from here.

 

Thoughts?

[Remi]

Hey @justagirl ,

 

Nice to hear from you again.

 

Comparing ourselves to others is something we all do and it's so much harder when it's a sibling and you live with them.

 

Remember that this is just your perspective on the situations and thoughts are not facts! She can obviously see how inspiring you are so why don't you give seeing yourself through your sister's eyes a go?

 

I understand it hurts now though, try to focus on how your differences make you unique instead what separates you. You have so much to offer as well.

 

Congratulations on University, do you know where you are going? That will open you up to so many different experiences and new people.

 

Sending positivity.

 

-Remi