Am I not enough?

[Marisol]

I've hated my appearance since I was seven years old. People were constantly telling me to be careful of what I ate and made fun of me for being "chubby". I live in an area where not many Latina women live. So I have grown up believing everything about me was wrong. My brown hair and eyes should have been blonde and blue, my body should be tiny, and I should be perfect in every way. I was taught that I was wrong for eating as much as I wanted/needed to feel satisfied. At school I was constantly singled out because I didn't look like anyone else. Eventually I ended up secretly eating for many years until my freshmen year of high school where I was technically obese! I then fell into a serious eating disorder that took away two years of my life. Now, after getting out of that toxic environment, I am trying to be confident in myself. But I cannot help and think that my body looks wrong. I'm so ugly and fat. Everyone around me is beautiful and slender with boys dying to go out with them.

Everyone keeps telling me I'm beautiful, not fat, smart, and talented. Even my own mother says I am beautiful. But I can't believe them because they are just lying to me to make me feel better. I don't have abs like I want. I should push myself. I should stop eating so much and exercise more. I also need to study more and stop wasting time. Am I not doing enough? Should I trust people when they say I'm beautiful? How do I build confidence and happiness? Should I just get over myself? Am I being lazy for not having abs? I have a feeling that my girlfriend broke up with me because I am ugly and I'm not good enough. I'm too clingy and everyone seems to hate me because I'm so annoying. I'm so anxious it's to the point where it's prohibiting me from sleeping and functioning properly.

Nothing is perfect so that means I'm not doing enough right?

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[Remi]

Hello Marisol,

 

Thank you so much for sharing this here with us. You are not alone, so many of us feel like this and I know a lot of people in our community empathise with how you are feeling.

 

A hashtag from 2017 has just come round again called #TheySaid - it shows lots of women sharing how early they were shamed about their bodies and how damaging this was for their self-esteem from such a young age. It sounds like you were no exception, from 7 years old you have been made to feel bad. I’m so so sorry about this. Folks can be so thoughtless as to what their comments can do to young people that are still growing and changing and learning how to love themselves.

 

I’m mixed race and I grew up in an area with not much diversity and I remember also feeling so different and was always straightening my hair. But as I grew up I realised how awesome it was to be unique like this and my friends used to say how they wanted curly hair and I just thought - wow we all want what someone else has but struggle to see our own beauty.

 

You talk about an eating disorder that took away a lot of your life, do you recognise any thoughts or feelings now that you had then? If yes, how did you challenge those thoughts and beat your disorder before?

 

You say your feeling very anxious at the moment, I know when I feel anxious my mind goes into loops and I get obsessed about a lot of things and get very very upset and can be very mean to myself - It does sound like you could be a bit kinder to yourself and not getting much sleep isn’t helping that.

 

The people that love you say how beautiful and amazing you are - are there any times you have believed that? Breakups can be devastating for our self-esteem I know you are hurting and I’m sorry I can’t make it all stop. But it was not anything to do with you being ugly I promise you. Breakups happen for a multitude of reasons.

 

I think you need to ease up yourself, you are trying and that is definitely enough.

What are some things that are going right for you right now?

Also, we can definitely work on some tools to help you’d feel more self-confident together if you would like to?

You are enough!!!

 

-Remi