I think there's a problem with my group of friends

[Dadame]

To begin with, I'm a 18 years old french student and I've been hanging out with the same group of people for about 5 years now.

Today I felt like there was a problem in their attitude towards me and it may not be the first time it happens.

We were having some kind of game (somesort of tag game, pretty childish but pretty usual for our group of friends), them allying towards me didn't bothered me this much at first.

Some of the friends that were on my side kept restraining me for the one that was supposed to touch the others that obviously then touched me again and again (I feel like I have a very poor english, sorry).

I was like, well, it's ok, it's just a childish game, I don't mind losing in repeat.

It got worse when we all got in the car to be brought to our houses by our one friend that has a driving license.

One of the lad said that the one that is tagged must obey every orders.

I was like uh no but each one of them insisted to do it and I really felt like I couldn't disagree at risk of disappointing them (still don't know wtf is happening in my head sometimes).

The driver then commanded me to go out of the car, which I did with the firm intention of going back in on the moment.

Then they drove away.

I felt dumb, I knew this was going to happen.

Calmly, I started walking to the car (they stopped 100meters away) and when I finally got to the car they drove away again, again and again, they kept repeating it for a good 15 minutes while filming me.

When they finally stopped for good I had a strong desire to smash the conductor glasspanel with my foot, the potential consequences of this restrained me of doing it.

I entered the car dead silent while they were laughing at me, simulated a little chuckle as to say "ah you got me, nice" and headed back home fighting the desire to let down a tear.

This isn't the first time that it happens, they sent messages to a girl I was dating saying mean things on me (which, thank god didn't change anything to our relationship).

There was also this one day where I was really drunk with them, and I use to be a very affective and nice guy when I'm drunk.

Wanted to try this new handshake with some dude of the group which apparently didn't like it and stretched my fingers in the opposite way of where my articulations should bring them and kept pushing me after to try to make me fall when we went out (everything was filmed by the others once again).

I feel really bad, cause I've always considered them as friends and I still do, I know some of them aren't as bad as that but it's just the fact that they want to impress the group by harassing the weakest one that disgusts me.

And it's not even like I couldn't defend myself, I work part-time in the army and they aren't really the type to fight.

It's just that I don't want to ruin everything we have built as a long-date groupe of friends by angrying myself, I feel like I'll regret it.

I think I admire and like them too much,sadly It doesn't appear to go both ways.

 

Thanks for reading, felt good to write this down, If you have any advice for me I'll gladly take it, please have a good day !

 

[Remi]

Welcome to Community, well done for writing all of that in English, you say your English is not great but I disagree! It is great! I’m glad it felt good to get it all down.

 

This sounds to be like a case of banter vs bullying. The word for banter in French is 'plaisanter' if that makes it any clearer. Your friends are behaving in a way which is upsetting you, and for good reason. They are creating jokes at your expense. Sometimes in friendship groups there is a clear dominant and submissive which is what it looks like has happened.

 

Do you think that if you friends knew it was making you feel like this they would continue? Is there a particular ringleader. If so, I would arrange to meet just that person on their own - when with them, calmly explain that although they may have thought it was a joke, it is upsetting you and ask if they could stop - as you have known each other for a long time and they are your friends it should be safe to do so. Make sure you try and talk about this one on one to make sure there is no chance of it turning into a joke and you get your voice heard.

 

Just know, that I think you are right to be upset by this and none of this is your fault. As you are growing older relationship dynamics often change.

 

What is it that you like and admire about the group?

 

-Remi

[Dadame]

First of all, thanks a lot for your response !

Feels good to be read (readed ?).

I actually feel like that if I confessed the fact that what they are doing bothers me I'd be instantly put down and qualified as a pussy, so I'm a bit afraid of doing it to be honest.

But now that you say it, it always felt nicer to adress to any person of the group one by one.

I remember one of them once even said that I shouldn't let the rest of the group putting me down like that when we were both alone in the car.

One of their recent joke was to steal my phone when I wasn't paying attention, hide it in a closet (it was in exterior), actually piss on the handle and making it ring.

I just want it to stop before I do something dumb, I'll try to talk to this guy alone sometime, thanks for the advice ! (I'll also try to keep you informed on the evolution of the situation if you want )

 

About the question on why I still like them I don't know if I can really tell myself, they are my friends and I like them for that, without conditions, cause there wasn't only bad moments between them and me, lots of big laughs and amazing experiences too, that's why I don't want to break everything by angrying myself I think.

I admire them cause I lack confidence myself, and some of them seems to know what they're doing in life, being 18 in France means starting university and sometimes getting a bit lost I guess, some are a bit older than me and already been through that and I know they're willing to help me if they can.

 

Thank you again for your response, I hope you have a wonderful day yourself !

[Blondie]

Hi Dadame, that makes a lot of sense what you said about speaking to one of the others in the group and they didn't like the behaviour. It can be hard for people to speak up in a group dynamic but a lot of pressure is taken off if you speak to people on their own.

It would definitely be worth trying this with the main person and try a neutral place rather then where you would normally hang out.

I can completely understand why you would want their experience and friendship as they've been through it all before so hopefully this will solve it. If not, you might have to weigh up if this particular person brings value to your life and makes you feel good after being with them.

And yes - please do keep us updated - check in whenever you would like!

 

[Remi]

First of all, thanks a lot for your response !

Feels good to be read (readed ?).

I actually feel like that if I confessed the fact that what they are doing bothers me I'd be instantly put down and qualified as a pussy, so I'm a bit afraid of doing it to be honest.

But now that you say it, it always felt nicer to adress to any person of the group one by one.

I remember one of them once even said that I shouldn't let the rest of the group putting me down like that when we were both alone in the car.

One of their recent joke was to steal my phone when I wasn't paying attention, hide it in a closet (it was in exterior), actually piss on the handle and making it ring.

I just want it to stop before I do something dumb, I'll try to talk to this guy alone sometime, thanks for the advice ! (I'll also try to keep you informed on the evolution of the situation if you want )

 

About the question on why I still like them I don't know if I can really tell myself, they are my friends and I like them for that, without conditions, cause there wasn't only bad moments between them and me, lots of big laughs and amazing experiences too, that's why I don't want to break everything by angrying myself I think.

I admire them cause I lack confidence myself, and some of them seems to know what they're doing in life, being 18 in France means starting university and sometimes getting a bit lost I guess, some are a bit older than me and already been through that and I know they're willing to help me if they can.

 

Thank you again for your response, I hope you have a wonderful day yourself !

Hey Dadame,

 

It's cool that some of your friends showed you solidarity - it shows that other people also recognise that the behaviour isn't appropriate.

 

The phone thing doesn't sound fun . Confidence can be tough to get up especially in a big group where you don't feel empowered. L'universite c'est le meme en Angleterre. Do you know which university you will go to yet? If you have had lots of good times with them and you admire them then it sounds like you don't want to lose the friendship - keep us updated with what you do next.

 

Have a lovely day

 

-Remi