being kind of dumb

[AJlikesstuff666]

heyyy this is my first vent post on here :(

I just wanted to talk about humiliation and feeling stupid. I was always told as a kid that I was super smart, I was ahead of all my peers in every way pretty much. I grasped new topics faster, I was at a higher reading and spelling level, pretty much all of it. On top of that I was good at art and sports. recently ive been feeling like all my energy is going into being creative and being social, and I just kind of suck at academics and sports now. ive grown a lot in my art skills since elementary school (obviously, im in 9th grade now) as well as my social skills and emotional maturity. I think it all came crashing down in 4th grade when my anger issues stopped, and I never learned my times tables. today (like 5 minutes ago) at the dinner table I made a comment about how 7x7=42 has the same vibe as Thursday, and was instantly humiliated by my dad. he started laughing and making comments about how he failed me, so I tried to correct myself by spouting random numbers and ended up just leaving the table with tears in my eyes after like, 3 bites of my spaghetti. my grades have also gone down a lot since elementary school and middle school, and im no longer making honors. I try really hard to focus on my academics, I check to make sure ive done all my work, but it seems that im just always missing a piece of the puzzle. there's always one more assignment, one more adjustment, one more question I got completely wrong. I hate feeling this way too because im pretty sure im completely neurotypical and I can't be experiencing burnout because I didn't even work that hard in middle school. it might just be stress and stuff but I used to be a straight A+ student, and I got my first ever C last year. I was even failing multiple classes at one point, and had to drop out of algebra to normal people math because I just sucked that bad. im not in honors English even though I know I could be, probably because im so incredibly forgetful and useless and lazy that I can't get all my assignments done. my dad also brought up that my whole family was in honors classes and that my 12 year old brother is in honors and has to help me with my homework sometimes. It's so incredibly humiliating to have to ask your younger brother for help with your schoolwork. he just seems to be better at everything, sports, academics, memorizing things. the only advantage I have over him is art, so I guess he's going to Iona and im stuck with some shitty community college or something. I dont think my future is very promising from what I can see right now

[Megs-]

Hey hru? Hope you’re well :)

[Lennie]

7 hours ago, AJlikesstuff666 said:

heyyy this is my first vent post on here :(

I just wanted to talk about humiliation and feeling stupid. I was always told as a kid that I was super smart, I was ahead of all my peers in every way pretty much. I grasped new topics faster, I was at a higher reading and spelling level, pretty much all of it. On top of that I was good at art and sports. recently ive been feeling like all my energy is going into being creative and being social, and I just kind of suck at academics and sports now. ive grown a lot in my art skills since elementary school (obviously, im in 9th grade now) as well as my social skills and emotional maturity. I think it all came crashing down in 4th grade when my anger issues stopped, and I never learned my times tables. today (like 5 minutes ago) at the dinner table I made a comment about how 7x7=42 has the same vibe as Thursday, and was instantly humiliated by my dad. he started laughing and making comments about how he failed me, so I tried to correct myself by spouting random numbers and ended up just leaving the table with tears in my eyes after like, 3 bites of my spaghetti. my grades have also gone down a lot since elementary school and middle school, and im no longer making honors. I try really hard to focus on my academics, I check to make sure ive done all my work, but it seems that im just always missing a piece of the puzzle. there's always one more assignment, one more adjustment, one more question I got completely wrong. I hate feeling this way too because im pretty sure im completely neurotypical and I can't be experiencing burnout because I didn't even work that hard in middle school. it might just be stress and stuff but I used to be a straight A+ student, and I got my first ever C last year. I was even failing multiple classes at one point, and had to drop out of algebra to normal people math because I just sucked that bad. im not in honors English even though I know I could be, probably because im so incredibly forgetful and useless and lazy that I can't get all my assignments done. my dad also brought up that my whole family was in honors classes and that my 12 year old brother is in honors and has to help me with my homework sometimes. It's so incredibly humiliating to have to ask your younger brother for help with your schoolwork. he just seems to be better at everything, sports, academics, memorizing things. the only advantage I have over him is art, so I guess he's going to Iona and im stuck with some shitty community college or something. I dont think my future is very promising from what I can see right now

Hi @AJlikesstuff666 -- I'm sorry to hear that your dad's comments caused you to feel humiliated, that type of feeling can really eat away at you. Being the subject of an unfavourable comparison will always be hard to take and if your brother is doing well at school and your dad is making jokes about it, then I can see how this has become a sensitive topic for you.

The first thing I would want to address is that you have gone from a straight-A student to a still well-above-average student. Meaning, that you are still achieving at a level most other students in your class are not, which is something to keep in mind.  Nonetheless, if your brother is doing well and you are comparing yourself to him, then you're bound to feel like you're underachieving. My advice, then, would be to try to avoid making this kind of direct comparison. Easier said than done, I know, but let me try and point a few things out that may help adjust your perspective. 

For starters, your brother has not reached the academic stage that you have yet. Indeed part of the reason your grades may have dropped is because the work has got harder, the study load has increased, and your interests have broadened beyond just school work.  These are all very common and understandable reasons why your grades may have been affected. What's more, these are all issues he has not yet encountered.

Even if this wasn't the case, though, it may be possible your brother will be better at school work than you, but does this mean you are not valued or talented? No, certainly not. You are different people and everyone has their own path, their own challenges, and therefore develops at their own pace. To give an example of just how unhelpful this process of comparing yourself to others can be: there are multiple cases of Nobel-prize-winning scientist who, despite being some of the greatest minds in history, have become depressed and riddled with self-doubt because one of their peers had greater success than them. Which is to say, this process of social comparison can be harmful no matter how well you do because there's always someone doing better that you can focus on and then feel worse about as a result.

So instead, try to focus on yourself. You say that you can't be experiencing burnout, but the pressure it sounds like you've been putting on yourself could be burning you out. I do understand how your grades dropping can feel hugely consequential, but it's usually not nearly as bad as you think. Again, this may this downturn in grades might just be reflecting the fact that the work is becoming more demanding, and that's okay. Your grades should not be tied to your feeling of self-worth. Sure it's good to feel proud when you do well, but a drop in grades doesn't define you or what your future will be. 

Practically speaking, however, do you think anything has changed to make you struggle with schoolwork? Is there anything you feel might help you (speaking with a teacher, getting additional tuition, etc.)? And lastly, do you think it might help to explain to your dad that these jokes and comments hurt your feelings and try and talk this over with him? 

I hope this helped and please do try to be a little kinder to yourself when reflecting on these things. Please do let us know your thoughts and we can go from there  

[AJlikesstuff666]

thank you so much for your reply. I think just reading the words "your grades dont determine your self worth" is kind of what I needed right now. nobody's ever told me that lol, its always just "you're smart and you'll do great things," which doesn't help too much. as for telling my dad about it, he's kind of just a stranger in my house at this point. I feel no connection to him whatsoever except for him being the guy that lives here and gave me his bad genes. he kind of has this mentality that everything he does is right and he's never the problem. he's INCREDIBLY difficult to work with, because he's so hot-headed and stubborn. any time someone brings up his wrong-doings he either snickers at them like a middle schooler, yells at them, or spews some shit about how Biden fucked up the government (yeah he's that kind of guy. also he's really paranoid all the time. thinks people are out to get him so he calls up his mommy to talk to her.) sorry this kind of became a rant about how much of a loser my dad is lol. but your kind words really mean a lot to me and I'm going to try separating my brothers and my academics, and also myself worth from my homework :3 (lol that rhymed, dr. Seuss who)

[AJlikesstuff666]

21 hours ago, Megs- said:

Hey hru? Hope you’re well :)

I just saw this lol! im not doing too well cause I relapsed today after 6 months of being clean but its whatever, life's a bitch and you have to move past it. this website has helped a lot with being an outlet tho, and seeing other ppl struggling like me makes me feel a lot less alone in it, even though I never want to see people struggling. my mood has improved a lot after having dinner and a bowl of ice cream, though!!!

[Aurora]

9 hours ago, AJlikesstuff666 said:

I just saw this lol! im not doing too well cause I relapsed today after 6 months of being clean but its whatever, life's a bitch and you have to move past it. this website has helped a lot with being an outlet tho, and seeing other ppl struggling like me makes me feel a lot less alone in it, even though I never want to see people struggling. my mood has improved a lot after having dinner and a bowl of ice cream, though!!!

Hi @AJlikesstuff666, I can see that you have already been talking to @Lennie and Megs but Lennie won't be online today so I thought I would jump in. I hope that's OK. I noticed that you mentioned that you relapsed today. Am I right in thinking that you are talking about self harm? If so, I just wanted to check in with you and ask you if you are feeling safe and if you need any medical attention at all? I get the impression that you are feeling OK as you said that your mood has improved after dinner and ice cream but I thought it's best I check. I hope you don't mind. 

If you would prefer to talk about this 1-2-1 you can also send us a message on confidential support instead https://forums.ditchthelabel.org/support/

[AJlikesstuff666]

15 hours ago, Aurora said:

Hi @AJlikesstuff666, I can see that you have already been talking to @Lennie and Megs but Lennie won't be online today so I thought I would jump in. I hope that's OK. I noticed that you mentioned that you relapsed today. Am I right in thinking that you are talking about self harm? If so, I just wanted to check in with you and ask you if you are feeling safe and if you need any medical attention at all? I get the impression that you are feeling OK as you said that your mood has improved after dinner and ice cream but I thought it's best I check. I hope you don't mind. 

If you would prefer to talk about this 1-2-1 you can also send us a message on confidential support instead https://forums.ditchthelabel.org/support/

yeah it was just little scratches and they're fully scabbed over and everything now. today was a much better day. also sorry 4 being all over the place with my replies im juggling homework, parents walking by, and my nightly run

[Mestizo]

13 hours ago, AJlikesstuff666 said:

yeah it was just little scratches and they're fully scabbed over and everything now. today was a much better day. also sorry 4 being all over the place with my replies im juggling homework, parents walking by, and my nightly run

Hi @AJlikesstuff666. I’m Mestizo, one of the other Support Mentors with Ditch the Label. No need to apologize at all. We are glad to hear that you are okay and that today was a much better day . Please know that we are here for you and if you even need to connect one on one like @Aurora offered, you can do so on confidential support. I hope you have a lovely . 

[Aurora]

On 9/25/2024 at 2:10 AM, AJlikesstuff666 said:

yeah it was just little scratches and they're fully scabbed over and everything now. today was a much better day. also sorry 4 being all over the place with my replies im juggling homework, parents walking by, and my nightly run

Hi @AJlikesstuff666, I just wanted to check in with you and see how you are doing.? It sounds like you have a lot to juggle at the moment and I just wanted to see how things have been? 

Also, I'm intrigued by your nightly run. Is that something you do every night?

[AJlikesstuff666]

On 10/1/2024 at 5:46 AM, Aurora said:

Hi @AJlikesstuff666, I just wanted to check in with you and see how you are doing.? It sounds like you have a lot to juggle at the moment and I just wanted to see how things have been? 

Also, I'm intrigued by your nightly run. Is that something you do every night?

not every night, but sometimes when im feeling worse about myself. I only like running at night cause nobody can see me lol, usually I do weight training when im home alone too

[Aurora]

21 hours ago, AJlikesstuff666 said:

not every night, but sometimes when im feeling worse about myself. I only like running at night cause nobody can see me lol, usually I do weight training when im home alone too

I see. Thank you for explaining . What's it like, running at night? I'm curious because I go running, too but only ever during the day. I've never been at night - think I'd be too worried that I can't see where I'm going and I might fall. Has that ever happened to you? 

You mentioned that you go when you are feeling worse about yourself. Does it help your mood when you go running? How do you feel afterwards?

Nice, that you do weight training, too. Is that something you do regularly or once in a while? 

 

[AJlikesstuff666]

On 10/3/2024 at 4:30 AM, Aurora said:

I see. Thank you for explaining . What's it like, running at night? I'm curious because I go running, too but only ever during the day. I've never been at night - think I'd be too worried that I can't see where I'm going and I might fall. Has that ever happened to you? 

You mentioned that you go when you are feeling worse about yourself. Does it help your mood when you go running? How do you feel afterwards?

Nice, that you do weight training, too. Is that something you do regularly or once in a while? 

its more of a once in awhile thing, and running at night isn't a problem because of all the street lights. it makes me feel a tiny bit better cause I can go "hey I exercised," but at the same time I really really hate running when its not a sprint.

[Lennie]

9 hours ago, AJlikesstuff666 said:

its more of a once in awhile thing, and running at night isn't a problem because of all the street lights. it makes me feel a tiny bit better cause I can go "hey I exercised," but at the same time I really really hate running when its not a sprint.

I'm with you on this @AJlikesstuff666, I don't have the patience for jogging. I'm like a dog -- I am happy running if I'm chasing after a ball (to be clear, I mean playing ball sports like tennis and football, not that I just fetch a ball like a dog ).

How about you, do you sprint for as part of an athletics team, or you just like sprinting for exercise?

[AJlikesstuff666]

1 hour ago, Lennie said:

I'm with you on this @AJlikesstuff666, I don't have the patience for jogging. I'm like a dog -- I am happy running if I'm chasing after a ball (to be clear, I mean playing ball sports like tennis and football, not that I just fetch a ball like a dog ).

How about you, do you sprint for as part of an athletics team, or you just like sprinting for exercise?

im really hoping to do track this spring and possibly indoor track, but I quit cross country this year because I hate long distance and I feel incredibly self-conscious when im running. also, changing and locker rooms sucked because I run for the girls team (transphobic parents come into play) and I'd get dumb comments like "that's a girll?!?1/?!?/" whenever I didn't put my hair into a ponytail and wear bike shorts. the ponytail had many bobby-pins though, because of my short hair. if I want to start track this season im pretty much expected to do the same, even though I really dont want my hair to grow longer and dressing like that makes me insanely uncomfy, but you know what, the boys locker room is probably a whole lot worse. all that's pretty much why im forcing myself to go out for a run every once in a while.

[Lennie]

15 minutes ago, AJlikesstuff666 said:

im really hoping to do track this spring and possibly indoor track, but I quit cross country this year because I hate long distance and I feel incredibly self-conscious when im running. also, changing and locker rooms sucked because I run for the girls team (transphobic parents come into play) and I'd get dumb comments like "that's a girll?!?1/?!?/" whenever I didn't put my hair into a ponytail and wear bike shorts. the ponytail had many bobby-pins though, because of my short hair. if I want to start track this season im pretty much expected to do the same, even though I really dont want my hair to grow longer and dressing like that makes me insanely uncomfy, but you know what, the boys locker room is probably a whole lot worse. all that's pretty much why im forcing myself to go out for a run every once in a while.

I'm sorry you have to deal with unwanted comments while running, and that your parents aren't supporting your wishes. Competitive track is hard enough without then having to deal with all of this additional stress on top. I'm sure you just want to be able to focus on that and not all this other stuff.

How do you deal with this? What do you find helps? Do you talk with your friends about this kind of stuff? And if so, do you find that sharing your feelings helps you to feel a little better?

[AJlikesstuff666]

11 hours ago, Lennie said:

I'm sorry you have to deal with unwanted comments while running, and that your parents aren't supporting your wishes. Competitive track is hard enough without then having to deal with all of this additional stress on top. I'm sure you just want to be able to focus on that and not all this other stuff.

How do you deal with this? What do you find helps? Do you talk with your friends about this kind of stuff? And if so, do you find that sharing your feelings helps you to feel a little better?

nothing really helps tbh. I just have to deal with it until practice is over. usually its not bad with the comments and stuff tho, and ive never shared because I feel like im burdening my friends with my dumb trans problems.

[Lennie]

12 hours ago, AJlikesstuff666 said:

nothing really helps tbh. I just have to deal with it until practice is over. usually its not bad with the comments and stuff tho, and ive never shared because I feel like im burdening my friends with my dumb trans problems.

Hi @AJlikesstuff666 -- I can totally understand the feeling of not wanting to burden your friends with your problems, I think this is something a lot of us feel at times. However, it can help to reframe your perspective on this. For example, if one of your friends was feeling down or self-conscious because some people had been unkind to them, I'd imagine you'd want to hear about this and be there for them, right?

I certainly don't think your problems are dumb, and I suspect your friends wouldn't either. So perhaps it's worth reconsidering your approach here because often just the act of talking these things over can help you feel better. What do you think?