I think I just messed up bad

[-Aussie-]

I think i am feeling very stressed cause im trying to not make him upset, when he is upset it makes me upset and then i will get mad at myself. 

I really shouldd talk to him about it and tell him that I feel like he doesn't respect me but every time I go to say something like I I will type out the whole text the just delete it cause I feel like I'm being a jerk so I just never used the text. 

yeah I would say you are right about there being a lot of guilt on my side. I never told him about it how I feel with this. I do want to deal with this perfectly because I was/am being pressured to be "perfect" or the best I am all the time by everyone and that's not helping so then when I get I to something like this I want to deal with it perfectly causeing so much guilt and stress. 

[Hazard]

1 hour ago, -Aussie- said:

I think i am feeling very stressed cause im trying to not make him upset, when he is upset it makes me upset and then i will get mad at myself. 

I really shouldd talk to him about it and tell him that I feel like he doesn't respect me but every time I go to say something like I I will type out the whole text the just delete it cause I feel like I'm being a jerk so I just never used the text. 

yeah I would say you are right about there being a lot of guilt on my side. I never told him about it how I feel with this. I do want to deal with this perfectly because I was/am being pressured to be "perfect" or the best I am all the time by everyone and that's not helping so then when I get I to something like this I want to deal with it perfectly causeing so much guilt and stress. 

I relate on trying to not make people upset, but here's the thing. You're worried that it's going to make you upset if he's upset, but...you're already upset, it sounds like. It might be better to deal with things now than wait for things to get worse,  yeah?

I feel like you have a bit of a right to be a jerk about this. Just send the text.

Relationships aren't perfect. Dealing with relationships isn't perfect. Nothing about the situation is perfect, so you also don't have to be. But the most 'perfect' way to deal with this is probably to come straight out and let him know how you're feeling. 

[-Aussie-]

5 hours ago, Hazard said:

I relate on trying to not make people upset, but here's the thing. You're worried that it's going to make you upset if he's upset, but...you're already upset, it sounds like. It might be better to deal with things now than wait for things to get worse,  yeah?

I feel like you have a bit of a right to be a jerk about this. Just send the text.

Relationships aren't perfect. Dealing with relationships isn't perfect. Nothing about the situation is perfect, so you also don't have to be. But the most 'perfect' way to deal with this is probably to come straight out and let him know how you're feeling. 

I  know that nothing will be perfect but that doesn't mean I wont try to get everything to be okay and I know its really dumb but I want to make everyone happy. I also know that to make everyone happy I would be unhappy and I don't want that either but I don't want to be a jerk and send the text and mess up then me and him never talk again. 

Maybe I do have a right to be a jerk but I still don't want to, I don't like being mean to others, I'm trying my best, yes I am upset now and to me that's okay cause he is not upset and he seems happy and so does my girlfriend so I see it as everything is okay for now. 

[Luie]

 

Heyy @-Aussie-, It’s clear to me that you care deeply about the people in your life, and I must say that’s a really beautiful quality. Wanting to make everyone happy and keep the peace shows how much you value your relationships so deeply. But I can see how that can also make things really tough for you, especially when it feels like you’re stuck in a cycle of stress and guilt. You mentioned that you feel a lot of pressure to be “perfect” because of expectations from others. That’s a heavy burden to carry, and it makes sense why you’d feel like you need to handle this situation flawlessly. But I wonder, who is setting these expectations? Is it coming from other people directly, or do you feel like it’s something you’ve taken on yourself over time? Sometimes, just recognizing where these pressures come from can help in figuring out how to ease them.

It sounds to me like part of what’s making this so difficult is that you’re caught between not wanting to be mean or hurtful and not wanting to lose your friend. That’s a really tough place to be, and it’s understandable that you’re hesitant to send the text because you don’t want to risk your friendship. But it’s also important to remember that expressing your feelings and setting boundaries isn’t the same as being mean, it’s about taking care of yourself and the relationship in the long run.

One thing to consider is how you might be able to approach this conversation in a way that feels less like being a “jerk” and more like being honest and vulnerable. You might start by acknowledging how much you value the friendship, and then explain how some of the things that have been happening are making you feel. It’s okay to let him know that you’re worried about upsetting him, but that you also need to be true to yourself and your relationship with your girlfriend. I’m curious though, what do you think would happen if you sent that text? What’s the worst-case scenario that’s holding you back? And on the flip side, what do you hope might come out of it? I just think sometimes that thinking through these questions can help you find a way forward that feels a little less scary.

It’s okay to take your time with this. You don’t have to rush into anything until you feel ready. 

 

[-Aussie-]

I feel like my parents are trying to get me to be perfect in everyway. they say act this way, wear this outfit, talk like this, take all the ap classes, ect. 

I'm scared to lose him cause we get along really really well I think we just having a bit of trouble right now and when I asked him to not call my "my love" he got upset and didn't answer my for awhile and I though I lost him. He also has really bad anger issues and I'm scared he will get mad and yell. That would probably cause an panic attack for me. 

I don't really know of anything good that would come from it...

7 hours ago, Luie said:

Heyy @-Aussie-, It’s clear to me that you care deeply about the people in your life, and I must say that’s a really beautiful quality. Wanting to make everyone happy and keep the peace shows how much you value your relationships so deeply. But I can see how that can also make things really tough for you, especially when it feels like you’re stuck in a cycle of stress and guilt. You mentioned that you feel a lot of pressure to be “perfect” because of expectations from others. That’s a heavy burden to carry, and it makes sense why you’d feel like you need to handle this situation flawlessly. But I wonder, who is setting these expectations? Is it coming from other people directly, or do you feel like it’s something you’ve taken on yourself over time? Sometimes, just recognizing where these pressures come from can help in figuring out how to ease them.

It sounds to me like part of what’s making this so difficult is that you’re caught between not wanting to be mean or hurtful and not wanting to lose your friend. That’s a really tough place to be, and it’s understandable that you’re hesitant to send the text because you don’t want to risk your friendship. But it’s also important to remember that expressing your feelings and setting boundaries isn’t the same as being mean, it’s about taking care of yourself and the relationship in the long run.

One thing to consider is how you might be able to approach this conversation in a way that feels less like being a “jerk” and more like being honest and vulnerable. You might start by acknowledging how much you value the friendship, and then explain how some of the things that have been happening are making you feel. It’s okay to let him know that you’re worried about upsetting him, but that you also need to be true to yourself and your relationship with your girlfriend. I’m curious though, what do you think would happen if you sent that text? What’s the worst-case scenario that’s holding you back? And on the flip side, what do you hope might come out of it? I just think sometimes that thinking through these questions can help you find a way forward that feels a little less scary.

It’s okay to take your time with this. You don’t have to rush into anything until you feel ready. 

 

[Luie]

On 8/11/2024 at 2:45 PM, -Aussie- said:

I feel like my parents are trying to get me to be perfect in everyway. they say act this way, wear this outfit, talk like this, take all the ap classes, ect. 

I'm scared to lose him cause we get along really really well I think we just having a bit of trouble right now and when I asked him to not call my "my love" he got upset and didn't answer my for awhile and I though I lost him. He also has really bad anger issues and I'm scared he will get mad and yell. That would probably cause an panic attack for me. 

I don't really know of anything good that would come from it...

 

Heyy @-Aussie- , I can see how much pressure you’re under, especially with your parents wanting you to be perfect in so many ways. That’s a lot to handle, and it makes sense that it’s affecting how you approach other areas of your life too. Trying to meet those expectations can be exhausting, especially when it feels like you’re constantly trying to make everyone happy while also dealing with your own emotions.

It sounds to me like your friendship with him is really important to you, and it’s totally understandable that you’re scared of losing him. It’s clear you care a lot about maintaining that connection, and it must have been really tough when he didn’t respond after you asked him not to call you “my love.” That kind of silence can be really unsettling, especially when you’re already worried about the friendship.

I’m also hearing that his anger issues are a big concern for you, and I’m really sorry you’re dealing with that. It’s completely valid to feel scared when you think about him getting mad and possibly yelling. You mentioned that it could even trigger a panic attack, which is really serious. No one should have to feel that kind of fear in a friendship. I’m wondering, how do you usually cope when you’re feeling scared or anxious about something like this? Do you have any strategies or people you turn to for support when things get overwhelming? 

Also, you also mentioned that you’re not sure anything good would come from talking to him about how you feel. That’s really understandable, especially if you’re worried about how he might react. But I’m curious, if there were no risk of him getting upset or angry, what would you want to say to him? And what do you wish he understood about what you’re going through?

 

[-Aussie-]

2 hours ago, Luie said:

Heyy @-Aussie- , I can see how much pressure you’re under, especially with your parents wanting you to be perfect in so many ways. That’s a lot to handle, and it makes sense that it’s affecting how you approach other areas of your life too. Trying to meet those expectations can be exhausting, especially when it feels like you’re constantly trying to make everyone happy while also dealing with your own emotions.

It sounds to me like your friendship with him is really important to you, and it’s totally understandable that you’re scared of losing him. It’s clear you care a lot about maintaining that connection, and it must have been really tough when he didn’t respond after you asked him not to call you “my love.” That kind of silence can be really unsettling, especially when you’re already worried about the friendship.

I’m also hearing that his anger issues are a big concern for you, and I’m really sorry you’re dealing with that. It’s completely valid to feel scared when you think about him getting mad and possibly yelling. You mentioned that it could even trigger a panic attack, which is really serious. No one should have to feel that kind of fear in a friendship. I’m wondering, how do you usually cope when you’re feeling scared or anxious about something like this? Do you have any strategies or people you turn to for support when things get overwhelming? 

Also, you also mentioned that you’re not sure anything good would come from talking to him about how you feel. That’s really understandable, especially if you’re worried about how he might react. But I’m curious, if there were no risk of him getting upset or angry, what would you want to say to him? And what do you wish he understood about what you’re going through?

I don't really have coping stratgies but I have a few people that do help me with it.  yelling and loud noises are a really bit trigger for me though. 

I think I would say something like, 'we are friends and I really do care about you but I don't like it when you call me bby and other nicknames like that. You know about my girlfriend and I would like it if you respected that and how I feel'

I really don't want to send that though cause I feel like its shitty to say that. 

 

[Luie]

1 hour ago, -Aussie- said:

I don't really have coping stratgies but I have a few people that do help me with it.  yelling and loud noises are a really bit trigger for me though. 

I think I would say something like, 'we are friends and I really do care about you but I don't like it when you call me bby and other nicknames like that. You know about my girlfriend and I would like it if you respected that and how I feel'

I really don't want to send that though cause I feel like its shitty to say that. 

 

It’s good that you have people who help you when things get tough, even if you don’t have specific coping strategies yet @-Aussie-. Yelling and loud noises being a big trigger for you makes a lot of sense, especially given how much stress you’re already dealing with. It’s important that you feel safe in your relationships, and it’s completely okay to prioritize that.

The message you’ve thought about sending sounds really clear and respectful to me. You’re being honest about how you feel while also expressing that you care about him and value the friendship. I know it feels tough to send it, and it’s normal to worry that it might come off as harsh, but it’s actually a really fair thing to say. You’re not being mean; you’re setting a boundary that’s important for you. One thing to perhaps think about is how you might feel after sending that message. Do you think it could bring some relief, knowing that you’ve expressed your feelings? Or do you think the anxiety of how he might react is the bigger concern? 

Btw it’s totally also okay to send it in your own time (or not send), whenever you feel ready. You don’t have to rush yourself, and you can take as much time as you need to feel comfortable. Maybe you could even practice saying it out loud or write it down somewhere else first, just to see how it feels.  The reason I am saying this is because your feelings and comfort are just as important as his, and you deserve to be in relationships where you feel respected and safe.

 

[-Aussie-]

5 hours ago, Luie said:

It’s good that you have people who help you when things get tough, even if you don’t have specific coping strategies yet @-Aussie-. Yelling and loud noises being a big trigger for you makes a lot of sense, especially given how much stress you’re already dealing with. It’s important that you feel safe in your relationships, and it’s completely okay to prioritize that.

The message you’ve thought about sending sounds really clear and respectful to me. You’re being honest about how you feel while also expressing that you care about him and value the friendship. I know it feels tough to send it, and it’s normal to worry that it might come off as harsh, but it’s actually a really fair thing to say. You’re not being mean; you’re setting a boundary that’s important for you. One thing to perhaps think about is how you might feel after sending that message. Do you think it could bring some relief, knowing that you’ve expressed your feelings? Or do you think the anxiety of how he might react is the bigger concern? 

Btw it’s totally also okay to send it in your own time (or not send), whenever you feel ready. You don’t have to rush yourself, and you can take as much time as you need to feel comfortable. Maybe you could even practice saying it out loud or write it down somewhere else first, just to see how it feels.  The reason I am saying this is because your feelings and comfort are just as important as his, and you deserve to be in relationships where you feel respected and safe.

I think it would bring more anxiety and I would end up worrying about what he would say...

[ribbon]

On 8/10/2024 at 4:49 AM, -Aussie- said:

***THERE IS CUSSING IN THIS***

I have this friend and we are really good friends the thing is though is we are really close and he likes me and I like him. We both know that we like each other however I have a girlfriend. He knows this so I told he we cant date even if we wanted to. The reason I think I messed up is cause the other day we go in to a really bad argument. He likes me call me nickname like "kitten" and "honey" he calls me that cause I really like cats and I really like bees, but the other day he called me "My love" I asked him if he could not call me that cause that's what my girlfriend calls me and we are not dating. When that happend he got really upset and wrote a whole ass paragraph saying he doesn't even know why he calls me the nicknames cause we aren't dating and shit like that. He also went on about how he loves me and care about me. He said that he just wants me happy and I told him like I like you too but I have a girlfriend and I wont cheat on her cause I am loyal to her and I don't ever want to break her heart cause of how much she means to me and I said I don't know what I would do if I lost her. He said that if/when we and her break up that he will be there for me and that really pissed me off. I feel really bad about everything that happened and I feel like I'm the wrong but I don't know if I really am or not. 

If anyone has anything that will help me with this I would love for you to tell me even If you dont think its the best help I'm willing to try anything right now. 

*sorry for cussing btw I really don't like to do it...

Honestly everything you said seems pretty good, he even accepted that you dont want to cheat and told you that he will be there in case you break up, which shows how much he likes you. What I dont understand is why you got pissed off by that, because that is so nice for someone to say.

[-Aussie-]

20 hours ago, ribbon said:

Honestly everything you said seems pretty good, he even accepted that you dont want to cheat and told you that he will be there in case you break up, which shows how much he likes you. What I dont understand is why you got pissed off by that, because that is so nice for someone to say.

I got pissed cause although yeah if y girlfriend and I did break up he would still be there ys but he knows about her yet he still trys to kiss me and touch me after I told him to stop. 

[Luie]

On 8/13/2024 at 12:45 AM, -Aussie- said:

I think it would bring more anxiety and I would end up worrying about what he would say...

 

Heyy @-Aussie-, I totally get why you’d feel that way. Sending a message like that can be really anxiety-inducing, especially when you’re not sure how he’s going to react. It’s natural to worry about what he might say or how he might respond, especially given the concerns you’ve shared about his anger.

If the thought of sending the message feels overwhelming, maybe there’s a way to approach it that feels a bit less intense. For example, could you start by having a smaller, more casual conversation with him, where you bring up just one thing that’s been bothering you? That way, it might feel less like you’re dropping everything on him all at once and more like you’re easing into the discussion. Another option could be to talk to one of the people who help you when things get tough. Maybe they could support you in crafting the message or even be there with you when you send it, just to help keep your anxiety in check. Sometimes, having someone in your corner can make a big difference. How does this sound?

You don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for, and it’s okay if you need more time to figure out how you want to handle this. What’s important is that you’re thinking about what’s best for you, and that’s a really positive step.

Also, I was wondering would it help to talk through some of the specific worries you have about his possible reactions?

 

[-Aussie-]

2 hours ago, Luie said:

Heyy @-Aussie-, I totally get why you’d feel that way. Sending a message like that can be really anxiety-inducing, especially when you’re not sure how he’s going to react. It’s natural to worry about what he might say or how he might respond, especially given the concerns you’ve shared about his anger.

If the thought of sending the message feels overwhelming, maybe there’s a way to approach it that feels a bit less intense. For example, could you start by having a smaller, more casual conversation with him, where you bring up just one thing that’s been bothering you? That way, it might feel less like you’re dropping everything on him all at once and more like you’re easing into the discussion. Another option could be to talk to one of the people who help you when things get tough. Maybe they could support you in crafting the message or even be there with you when you send it, just to help keep your anxiety in check. Sometimes, having someone in your corner can make a big difference. How does this sound?

You don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for, and it’s okay if you need more time to figure out how you want to handle this. What’s important is that you’re thinking about what’s best for you, and that’s a really positive step.

Also, I was wondering would it help to talk through some of the specific worries you have about his possible reactions?

i did tell him this morning that we are going to have to have a talk about something, i didnt say what cause im waiting for him to respond. it may help to do that i dont know if it would but it might. 

[Luie]

8 minutes ago, -Aussie- said:

i did tell him this morning that we are going to have to have a talk about something, i didnt say what cause im waiting for him to respond. it may help to do that i dont know if it would but it might. 

Sounds good, let's wait for the response and then take it from there. 

[-Aussie-]

39 minutes ago, Luie said:

Sounds good, let's wait for the response and then take it from there. 

okay, I am in class right now so I cant be on my phone but I will update when he answers

[Luie]

13 minutes ago, -Aussie- said:

okay, I am in class right now so I cant be on my phone but I will update when he answers

Sounds good! Yes ofcourse please do focus in class. 

[-Aussie-]

36 minutes ago, Luie said:

Sounds good! Yes ofcourse please do focus in class. 

He asked me what we need to talk about and I said I feel like we need to talk about us, and he has seen the text but he's not answering. I feel like he is going to leave me on read. 

[-Aussie-]

I just told him and I think I just messed up so sos so much.... he said he will probably leave me and this is what I was scared of...

[-Aussie-]

he said I need to chose him or my gf... I don't think I can do that

@Digital Mentor  @Lennie @Luie

please I need help rn and I don't think Luie is on right now

Edited August 15 by -Aussie-

[Lennie]

1 hour ago, -Aussie- said:

he said I need to chose him or my gf... I don't think I can do that

@Digital Mentor  @Lennie @Luie

please I need help rn and I don't think Luie is on right now

Hi @-Aussie- - I'm here. I think you did the right thing in asserting some boundaries between you and your friend after they clearly crossed a line. However, I know that in doing this kind of thing you can risk falling out with the other person.

In circumstances like this, it can raise the question: if the person gets angry and doesn't want to respect my boundaries, are they really acting like my friend? 

I'm not necessarily saying they aren't a good friend, and I know that you care about maintaining this friendship. What I am saying, though, is that atm they certainly aren't behaving like a good friend.  After all, you haven't done anything wrong here and you don't deserve to be put in this position.

Now, this person may just be emotional atm and may not stick to this ultimatum. But I think from your side, you've acted fairly and they are acting rather unfairly. Would you agree?

Have you responded to your friend yet?

[-Aussie-]

12 minutes ago, Lennie said:

Hi @-Aussie- - I'm here. I think you did the right thing in asserting some boundaries between you and your friend after they clearly crossed a line. However, I know that in doing this kind of thing you can risk falling out with the other person.

In circumstances like this, it can raise the question: if the person gets angry and doesn't want to respect my boundaries, are they really acting like my friend? 

I'm not necessarily saying they aren't a good friend, and I know that you care about maintaining this friendship. What I am saying, though, is that atm they certainly aren't behaving like a good friend.  After all, you haven't done anything wrong here and you don't deserve to be put in this position.

Now, this person may just be emotional atm and may not stick to this ultimatum. But I think from your side, you've acted fairly and they are acting rather unfairly. Would you agree?

Have you responded to your friend yet?

they are a really good friend and i know he is struggling atm cause i know he has covid and is sick. i think i have done a fair thing ut its hard to belive that. 

I told him I cant choose people.

[Lennie]

4 minutes ago, -Aussie- said:

they are a really good friend and i know he is struggling atm cause i know he has covid and is sick. i think i have done a fair thing ut its hard to belive that. 

I told him I cant choose people.

I think that is an entirely reasonable response and you shouldn't have to be forced into an ultimatum like that. You can't control his response though, and he may get upset or frustrated as a consequence of this reply. But sometimes, even when doing the right thing, you can't avoid upsetting others. 

You mentioned that he is sick at the moment, so perhaps this is making him act a little out of character and he may calm down and back down once he's had time to this this over. For now, though, I would suggest letting him cool off and avoid getting into a long discussion about it. What do you think?

[-Aussie-]

10 minutes ago, Lennie said:

I think that is an entirely reasonable response and you shouldn't have to be forced into an ultimatum like that. You can't control his response though, and he may get upset or frustrated as a consequence of this reply. But sometimes, even when doing the right thing, you can't avoid upsetting others. 

You mentioned that he is sick at the moment, so perhaps this is making him act a little out of character and he may calm down and back down once he's had time to this this over. For now, though, I would suggest letting him cool off and avoid getting into a long discussion about it. What do you think?

yeah, I know he is asleep right now, but I think its a bit hard to avoid a long discussion now...

[Lennie]

1 minute ago, -Aussie- said:

yeah, I know he is asleep right now, but I think its a bit hard to avoid a long discussion now...

Yes, I can understand that he might follow up when he's awake again. If he does, I think that from your perspective you should remind yourself that you have made your decision and that even if this upsets him, you can't change it just to accommodate him. Again, you really shouldn't be put in a position where you have to make a decision like this. Would you agree?

I'm sorry that you have been put in this position, and I hope your friend comes around and realises he is being unreasonable. How are you feeling at the moment?

 

[-Aussie-]

1 minute ago, Lennie said:

Yes, I can understand that he might follow up when he's awake again. If he does, I think that from your perspective you should remind yourself that you have made your decision and that even if this upsets him, you can't change it just to accommodate him. Again, you really shouldn't be put in a position where you have to make a decision like this. Would you agree?

I'm sorry that you have been put in this position, and I hope your friend comes around and realises he is being unreasonable. How are you feeling at the moment?

honestly not good, I feel really bad and guilty. Its not just about the problem with my friend. that's the man part but its something else bothering me too. 

 I feel like I shouldn't have to make that choice but I don't know what else to do....