I think I just messed up bad

[-Aussie-]

***THERE IS CUSSING IN THIS***

I have this friend and we are really good friends the thing is though is we are really close and he likes me and I like him. We both know that we like each other however I have a girlfriend. He knows this so I told he we cant date even if we wanted to. The reason I think I messed up is cause the other day we go in to a really bad argument. He likes me call me nickname like "kitten" and "honey" he calls me that cause I really like cats and I really like bees, but the other day he called me "My love" I asked him if he could not call me that cause that's what my girlfriend calls me and we are not dating. When that happend he got really upset and wrote a whole ass paragraph saying he doesn't even know why he calls me the nicknames cause we aren't dating and shit like that. He also went on about how he loves me and care about me. He said that he just wants me happy and I told him like I like you too but I have a girlfriend and I wont cheat on her cause I am loyal to her and I don't ever want to break her heart cause of how much she means to me and I said I don't know what I would do if I lost her. He said that if/when we and her break up that he will be there for me and that really pissed me off. I feel really bad about everything that happened and I feel like I'm the wrong but I don't know if I really am or not. 

If anyone has anything that will help me with this I would love for you to tell me even If you dont think its the best help I'm willing to try anything right now. 

*sorry for cussing btw I really don't like to do it...

Edited August 10 by -Aussie-

[-Aussie-]

something else that may help this is I love my girlfriend very very much but I am also poly and she knows that and is okay with it but she doesn't want anyone else In our relationship as of right now

[Hazard]

6 minutes ago, -Aussie- said:

***THERE IS CUSSING IN THIS***

I have this friend and we are really good friends the thing is though is we are really close and he likes me and I like him. We both know that we like each other however I have a girlfriend. He knows this so I told he we cant date even if we wanted to. The reason I think I messed up is cause the other day we go in to a really bad argument. He likes me call me nickname like "kitten" and "honey" he calls me that cause I really like cats and I really like bees, but the other day he called me "My love" I asked him if he could not call me that cause that's what my girlfriend calls me and we are not dating. When that happend he got really upset and wrote a whole ass paragraph saying he doesn't even know why he calls me the nicknames cause we aren't dating and shit like that. He also went on about how he loves me and care about me. He said that he just wants me happy and I told him like I like you too but I have a girlfriend and I wont cheat on her cause I am loyal to her and I don't ever want to break her heart cause of how much she means to me and I said I don't know what I would do if I lost her. He said that if/when we and her break up that he will be there for me and that really pissed me off. I feel really bad about everything that happened and I feel like I'm the wrong but I don't know if I really am or not. 

If anyone has anything that will help me with this I would love for you to tell me even If you dont think its the best help I'm willing to try anything right now. 

I don't think you're in the wrong at all. You're maintaining your loyalty, which is a really freaking good quality to have. And for him to be angry at you drawing a line is never something you should be mad about - if that line wasn't drawable, that'd mean something's wrong. I honestly think that this situation is going to be solved partially by time. He's probably just taken a leap that he knows he shouldn't have taken, so that paragraph was him trying to  go back in time to where it never happened, and if you've made it clear to him that it's not okay, he should take that and keep it in mind and hopefully not do something again. And it's fair to tell him that he's being an ahole by assuming that the relationship isn't going to last and that you're immediately going to jump to him.

I don't think this helped, but I hope it does?

[-Aussie-]

1 minute ago, Hazard said:

I don't think you're in the wrong at all. You're maintaining your loyalty, which is a really freaking good quality to have. And for him to be angry at you drawing a line is never something you should be mad about - if that line wasn't drawable, that'd mean something's wrong. I honestly think that this situation is going to be solved partially by time. He's probably just taken a leap that he knows he shouldn't have taken, so that paragraph was him trying to  go back in time to where it never happened, and if you've made it clear to him that it's not okay, he should take that and keep it in mind and hopefully not do something again. And it's fair to tell him that he's being an ahole by assuming that the relationship isn't going to last and that you're immediately going to jump to him.

I don't think this helped, but I hope it does?

yeah, it did. It made me feel better. I felt like I was being a real jerk to him cause of it

but thank you!

[-Aussie-]

Oh I also forgot to mention he uses the nick name "bby" and I havent really said anything about it cause I don't want to make things worse

[Hazard]

Just now, -Aussie- said:

Oh I also forgot to mention he uses the nick name "bby" and I havent really said anything about it cause I don't want to make things worse

No, you should tell him how you feel if you don't like it. I've found that if your relationship doesn't survive you standing up for yourself or your opinions, then it probably wasn't going to last long anyway. Perhaps a pessimistic view, but it's true that you should always be able to be honest to a friend or partner without worrying about it being a disaster 

[-Aussie-]

Just now, Hazard said:

No, you should tell him how you feel if you don't like it. I've found that if your relationship doesn't survive you standing up for yourself or your opinions, then it probably wasn't going to last long anyway. Perhaps a pessimistic view, but it's true that you should always be able to be honest to a friend or partner without worrying about it being a disaster 

I worry about that all the time, and I know things aren't the best between us rn and I don't want to mess it up more though that's the thing

[Hazard]

Just now, -Aussie- said:

I worry about that all the time, and I know things aren't the best between us rn and I don't want to mess it up more though that's the thing

Then offer an apology of some sort ("I know that there was a better way I could've said ______, but I really did mean it. I'm sorry that I was so harsh/sudden/(insert negative quality here)"), wait a little bit, and see what you get back.

[-Aussie-]

1 minute ago, Hazard said:

Then offer an apology of some sort ("I know that there was a better way I could've said ______, but I really did mean it. I'm sorry that I was so harsh/sudden/(insert negative quality here)"), wait a little bit, and see what you get back.

I though about doing that but now we are in a different argument, its getting so stressful. I feel like there is getting to be a new argument every day

[Hazard]

1 minute ago, -Aussie- said:

I though about doing that but now we are in a different argument, its getting so stressful. I feel like there is getting to be a new argument every day

What (generally) is this one about? It might be good to say 'we'll talk about this tomorrow' or something and then go on do-not-disturb or put your phone away and think about how you're going to argue your point tomorrow, and write out a few points you want to make.

[-Aussie-]

2 minutes ago, Hazard said:

What (generally) is this one about? It might be good to say 'we'll talk about this tomorrow' or something and then go on do-not-disturb or put your phone away and think about how you're going to argue your point tomorrow, and write out a few points you want to make.

its always about stupid stuff, like rn he is saying the argument is his fault when this one was mine cause I was being really indecisve live always cause that's just how I am. I am probably about to put my phone away anyway. 

[Hazard]

Just now, -Aussie- said:

its always about stupid stuff, like rn he is saying the argument is his fault when this one was mine cause I was being really indecisve live always cause that's just how I am. I am probably about to put my phone away anyway. 

Okay, yeah, just tell him that you'll talk about it tomorrow. By then he'll decide it isn't worth it to start back up again

[-Aussie-]

Just now, Hazard said:

Okay, yeah, just tell him that you'll talk about it tomorrow. By then he'll decide it isn't worth it to start back up again

hopfully also I forgot to mention something else that really made me mad at him one day. Him and I were hanging out on day and he really tried to kiss me and he could tell that make me upset cause I did yell at him, I said sorry for that later but I ignored him for like a day and a half. he has tried that many times before and I told him if he does it anymore we need to stop being friends and that really pissed him off

(sorry for the language) 

[Hazard]

Just now, -Aussie- said:

hopfully also I forgot to mention something else that really made me mad at him one day. Him and I were hanging out on day and he really tried to kiss me and he could tell that make me upset cause I did yell at him, I said sorry for that later but I ignored him for like a day and a half. he has tried that many times before and I told him if he does it anymore we need to stop being friends and that really pissed him off

(sorry for the language) 

Don't be sorry for the language. You're frustrated, and believe me, I've heard worse. 

I've had to pull the last chance card on someone - I told him that he used his last chance and he had to regain my trust or just forget about it. People aren't scared of people being mad at them as much as they're scared of people being disappointed. If he does it again, maybe try that. Don't raise your voice, just push him away and tell him, and then leave. It's cold, yeah, but I've found it works. You say you're scared that he's going to stop being friends with you, but I think you need to make him choose. I'm not in your situation though, so I could be totally wrong, but from the sounds of it, that's what I'd do

[Hazard]

I know i'm being super blunt, but I'm trying to give honest opinions instead of diplomatic ones. Sorry about that

[-Aussie-]

5 minutes ago, Hazard said:

Don't be sorry for the language. You're frustrated, and believe me, I've heard worse. 

I've had to pull the last chance card on someone - I told him that he used his last chance and he had to regain my trust or just forget about it. People aren't scared of people being mad at them as much as they're scared of people being disappointed. If he does it again, maybe try that. Don't raise your voice, just push him away and tell him, and then leave. It's cold, yeah, but I've found it works. You say you're scared that he's going to stop being friends with you, but I think you need to make him choose. I'm not in your situation though, so I could be totally wrong, but from the sounds of it, that's what I'd do

How and what exactly do you mean by make him chose? I could try that but I hate being rude or ignoring people just cause it make me feel bad. Honestly one day I almost blocked him and quit talking with him at all cause he yelled at me for having boundries and that make me upset too. maybe I'm just being sensitive idk

5 minutes ago, Hazard said:

I know i'm being super blunt, but I'm trying to give honest opinions instead of diplomatic ones. Sorry about that

its fine, I understand

[Hazard]

10 minutes ago, -Aussie- said:

How and what exactly do you mean by make him chose? I could try that but I hate being rude or ignoring people just cause it make me feel bad. Honestly one day I almost blocked him and quit talking with him at all cause he yelled at me for having boundries and that make me upset too. maybe I'm just being sensitive idk

its fine, I understand

You aren't being sensitive. And you don't have to be rude about it, even though it sounds like a rude thing. You can be really diplomatic about it, 'I'm sorry, but I feel like you've crossed the line once too many times, and you've really broken my trust. I want to give you one more chance though, but I need to feel like I can trust you. I'm sorry' After that, though, he'll probably either get mad at you and then ask, or straight off ask, how does he prove you can trust him. And that's where you tell him what's been frustrating you. This sounds super weird written out, I will admit, and it's a touch extreme, but it can help. I'm not saying that you should tell him that if he doesn't do a specific thing, you're going to be angry at him forever, I'm saying that you should let him know how you feel and that you're uncertain about your friendship, and let him know what needs to change, and give him the opportunity to do what he needs to do.

Like I said though, it's harsh. It's an option, but I'd call it last resort. After all, I'm just a random person on the internet telling you to make your friend choose the future of your friendship.

As an alternative, you can always just let him know he's toeing the line, as a 'I'm really frustrated with you right now, and you're kind of breaking my trust' before you go full extreme

I can't tell you what to do, and I don't think you should do what I described first right away, but it's always nice to know you have options.

I'm sorry about being so blunt though oml

Edited August 10 by Hazard

[Hazard]

 

I'm going to sleep now. But because I don't want to leave this on a sour note, I'm going to include a link to breaking cat news, so that you can use it to cheer yourself up a bit

     I did break it up a little bit, but you'll just have to remove the spaces and it should work

ww w. breakingcatnews.c om /comic/theres-a-moth-outside-the-window/

You don't have to decide what you want to do right now, and I think you should sleep on it, but seriousy, get out of your head and laugh and some funny cats

 

[-Aussie-]

3 minutes ago, Hazard said:

I'm going to sleep now. But because I don't want to leave this on a sour note, I'm going to include a link to breaking cat news, so that you can use it to cheer yourself up a bit

     I did break it up a little bit, but you'll just have to remove the spaces and it should work

ww w. breakingcatnews.c om /comic/theres-a-moth-outside-the-window/

You don't have to decide what you want to do right now, and I think you should sleep on it, but seriousy, get out of your head and laugh and some funny cats

Okay Good Night!

thanks or a link I will 100% look at it, I love cats, idk how much sleep I will get with insomnia but I try lol. 

Edited August 10 by -Aussie-

[Hazard]

1 minute ago, -Aussie- said:

Okay Good Night!

thanks or a video I will 100% watch it, I love cats, idk how much sleep I will get with insomnia but I try lol. 

Do your best to sleep. But it might be hard - there are so many different cat news stories that you'll be entertained for a while

[-Aussie-]

1 minute ago, Hazard said:

Do your best to sleep. But it might be hard - there are so many different cat news stories that you'll be entertained for a while

yeah, I try to get as much sleep as I can even though it is really freaking hard most night

I didn't even know the cat news stories extised (idk if I spelled that right, I mean the last word) 

Edited August 10 by -Aussie-

[Hazard]

Just now, -Aussie- said:

yeah, I try to get as much sleep as I can even though it is really freaking hard most night

I didn't even know te cat news stories extised (idk if I spelled that right, I mean the last word) 

Have you opened the link up yet? It's all comics, and the art style and humor is really good. Also, the 'random' button doesn't work so you should probably start at the very beginning and hit the 'next' button.

[-Aussie-]

Just now, Hazard said:

Have you opened the link up yet? It's all comics, and the art style and humor is really good. Also, the 'random' button doesn't work so you should probably start at the very beginning and hit the 'next' button.

mhm, I have, thanks for that too, I don't really know how to work the site, never used it before so idk how it works

[-Aussie-]

I just realized I said idk how it works twice, oops sorry..

[Luie]

 

Heyy @-Aussie-,  First off, it sounds like you’re handling a really complicated situation with a lot of care, and that’s something to be proud of. You’re trying to stay loyal to your girlfriend, who clearly means a lot to you, while also navigating a friendship that’s become challenging. That’s not easy, and it’s okay to feel overwhelmed by it all.

@Hazard's advice was really solid according to me, and it’s clear they’ve got your back. It sounds like they’re encouraging you to be firm with your friend about your boundaries, which is important. If someone is crossing those boundaries, even if they care about you, a firm, respectful conversation is sometimes necessary.

One thing that stood out to me is how much pressure you’re feeling to keep the peace. It’s totally understandable that you don’t want to hurt your friend or make things worse, but it’s also important to remember that your feelings and comfort matter just as much. I do think if you’re feeling stressed out or guilty because you’re trying so hard not to upset your friend, that’s a sign that something needs to change. But you tell me what you think around this?

Also, it’s totally natural to feel bad when someone you care about is upset, but you shouldn’t have to compromise your own boundaries to keep them happy. It’s okay to stand your ground, especially when it comes to things like not wanting to be called certain names or not wanting to be pressured into anything physical. You have every right to protect your relationship with your girlfriend and to feel comfortable in your friendships.

The idea of making him choose, like Hazard suggested, can be tough, but it might be necessary if he keeps pushing past your boundaries. It doesn’t have to be dramatic or confrontational; it’s more about being clear about what you need from the friendship to feel respected and safe. And if he can’t respect that, it might be worth reconsidering how close you two are, at least for a while. How does this sound?

Correct me if I am wrong, but it seems to me that there seems to be a lot of guilt on your end? Like you’re worried about being too sensitive or not handling things perfectly. But honestly, you’re dealing with this as best as you can, and that’s all anyone can ask for. It’s not about being perfect; it’s about doing what feels right for you and staying true to your values.

I hope that you can find some peace in all of this, and that things settle down soon. It’s okay to take a step back if you need to, whether that means putting your phone away for a bit or just giving yourself some space to breathe. You deserve to feel good about your relationships, not constantly stressed. And lastly, it’s great that you have something like those cat comics to lift your spirits. 

Hang in there, and take care of yourself, also, we (DTL community and mentors) are here for you when you need!