Feeling trapped

[newperspective]

This will be a long story. Bear with me. I acquainted a friend a few years back - at a time when she was at the lowest point with her life. Her husband had just left her due to a build up of unresolved issues. Prior to that, she had just recovered from an illness which could have taken her life if it wasn't for the early detection and accurate diagnosis. Thankfully she survived that but the ordeal created a lot of stress in the marriage resulting in the separation.

 

I have always been someone who seems to attract to sorrows. When I knew her, and heard her plight, I plunged myself deep into helping her. I became someone she completely relied on as I was constantly there emotionally to support her and her children. She would download her everyday activities through texts and phone calls with me, and would give all her care and attention to me too when I was sick or not having a good day. Needless to say, over time we almost became codependent.

 

Six months after, her husband moved back to the family and they tried to work out their marriage. And I received an email from her at the end of that year that she was sorry and she felt she had left me down and we had to tried to moderate our time spent together. I couldn't honest say I was happy with the reconciliation as I might have biased opinions of her husband. I thought I was jealous even but I shouldn't be.

 

The last year has been tough with me struggling with a feeling that I've lost a deep connection of a friend as she gets busy rebuilding her marriage/family life and all. The texts and meet ups that I was so used to have become less frequent too. We have been fighting more increasingly too. It seems like I am trying so hard still to maintain the closeness while she is ready to move on.

 

I do not know what I should do for me, for her and for both of us. Sometimes I feel used, while other times I feel that for a person who has been through so much, I should just continue to be supportive and less demanding. But it's been hard to do that as my feelings are not being addressed properly. She is no longer that caring person now that we fight so much.

 

What is the best way forward? Do we stay away from each other and try to cool it?

 

 

 

 

[Willow]

Hi NewPerspective!

 

Welcome… thank you for your detailed story— it really helps us understand what you’re going through!

 

It’s great that you recognize some of your behaviors as having codependent qualities. And even more important that you know that you can change them! Have you considered attending a support group for codependent behaviors?

 

I’m really sorry that the friendship you had, before, has changed pretty dramatically. Her expectations and commitment toward you have changed. And you’re left feeling the loss.

 

It sounds like you haven’t been able to tell her how these change have affected you. And you haven’t been able to build a new friendship, since there hasn’t been great closure on the last one. I can imagine your ‘jealousy’ is more along the lines that you’re not prioritized anymore, and her efforts to maintain a friendship and dramatically decreased.

 

Here’s an article we have that would help you speak to her about collaborating around both of your needs. Both of your needs are valid!

 

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/speak-anyone-anything-conflict-resolution/

 

The way your friendship looks needs to change. Your expectations of what you get from her needs to change. I can imagine you want quality time with her, too— not time spent full of fighting!

 

What do you think?

 

-willow