i think a friend is being manipulative??

[Bisexual Soprano]

So a friend of mine (let's call her M) might be manipulating my best friend (let's call her N).

N is a victim of abuse, she's an empath and knows a lot about mental health.  So as I've discovered that I've been a victim of manipulation (not related to this) N has been helping me out.  We talk about everything though.  We've known each other for several years and I'm her closest friend other than her brother.

Anyway, M also has mental health troubles so of course, N took it upon herself to help M.  However, the closer N and I are, the more M seems to try to draw attention to herself.  She says things about mental health that are confusing to say the least (for example, she said the other day that someone gave her a panic attack but then helped calm her down, which doesn't make sense).  N is really good at telling when something is off with someone, so she and I are both upset that M seems to have forgotten this when she's been told plenty of times.  

The best conclusion we could come up with is that M is jealous of how close I am to N, which might not be true, but we don't know.  M shouldn't be jealous bc she's only known N for less than a year, and she's only known me for a couple years at most, meanwhile N and I have known each other for a lot longer, so our friendship is closer.  I'm not sure what to do about this, does anyone have any advice?

[Aurora]

On 4/2/2024 at 1:55 AM, Bisexual Soprano said:

So a friend of mine (let's call her M) might be manipulating my best friend (let's call her N).

N is a victim of abuse, she's an empath and knows a lot about mental health.  So as I've discovered that I've been a victim of manipulation (not related to this) N has been helping me out.  We talk about everything though.  We've known each other for several years and I'm her closest friend other than her brother.

Anyway, M also has mental health troubles so of course, N took it upon herself to help M.  However, the closer N and I are, the more M seems to try to draw attention to herself.  She says things about mental health that are confusing to say the least (for example, she said the other day that someone gave her a panic attack but then helped calm her down, which doesn't make sense).  N is really good at telling when something is off with someone, so she and I are both upset that M seems to have forgotten this when she's been told plenty of times.  

The best conclusion we could come up with is that M is jealous of how close I am to N, which might not be true, but we don't know.  M shouldn't be jealous bc she's only known N for less than a year, and she's only known me for a couple years at most, meanwhile N and I have known each other for a lot longer, so our friendship is closer.  I'm not sure what to do about this, does anyone have any advice?

Hi @Bisexual Soprano, I think you might be right. It does sound like M might be jealous. The thing with jealousy is that it's a complex emotion, which is often rooted in insecurities and fears. This means that we can experience jealousy even if there is no rational reason for it. Does that make sense? However, even though we can't really control feeling jealous we can learn ways on how to cope with it. 

I usually find that it does help to talk about it. Your friend might not even realise that she is feeling jealous. Maybe you could have a conversation with her and gently tell her the things that you have noticed and whether there is a chance she might be jealous. This might help her reflect and think about her friendship with you and N. 

Do you mind me asking if she is getting any help for her mental health? If not, is that something she might consider? Maybe by getting help she will start to feel better about herself and she might start to interact differently with the two of you. What do you think? 

[Bisexual Soprano]

3 hours ago, Aurora said:

Hi @Bisexual Soprano, I think you might be right. It does sound like M might be jealous. The thing with jealousy is that it's a complex emotion, which is often rooted in insecurities and fears. This means that we can experience jealousy even if there is no rational reason for it. Does that make sense? However, even though we can't really control feeling jealous we can learn ways on how to cope with it. 

I usually find that it does help to talk about it. Your friend might not even realise that she is feeling jealous. Maybe you could have a conversation with her and gently tell her the things that you have noticed and whether there is a chance she might be jealous. This might help her reflect and think about her friendship with you and N. 

Do you mind me asking if she is getting any help for her mental health? If not, is that something she might consider? Maybe by getting help she will start to feel better about herself and she might start to interact differently with the two of you. What do you think? 

Having a conversation with her is likely the best course of action, but I'm going to tell N before I do anything.  I don't want to go behind her back.

M is not getting any help for her mental health, which is the reason she goes to N in the first place.  It might help her, but she's probably unable to get help (I don't know for sure, because I haven't asked her about it).  

To be honest, I'm not sure M would want help even if she could get it.  The most upsetting part of this issue (which is something N and I could be overthinking, but we can't be 100 percent sure), is that M only talks to N when she's having trouble.  Between the two of them, there's been a lack of conversation on other topics.  We're pretty sure that M is not doing this with her other friends;  she talks about more positive things with me, but not with N.  Essentially, N feels like she is being used and she's pretty upset about it.  I hope that this is not the case and that this can all be resolved without difficulty.

[Aurora]

17 hours ago, Bisexual Soprano said:

Having a conversation with her is likely the best course of action, but I'm going to tell N before I do anything.  I don't want to go behind her back.

M is not getting any help for her mental health, which is the reason she goes to N in the first place.  It might help her, but she's probably unable to get help (I don't know for sure, because I haven't asked her about it).  

To be honest, I'm not sure M would want help even if she could get it.  The most upsetting part of this issue (which is something N and I could be overthinking, but we can't be 100 percent sure), is that M only talks to N when she's having trouble.  Between the two of them, there's been a lack of conversation on other topics.  We're pretty sure that M is not doing this with her other friends;  she talks about more positive things with me, but not with N.  Essentially, N feels like she is being used and she's pretty upset about it.  I hope that this is not the case and that this can all be resolved without difficulty.

Hi @Bisexual Soprano,

That makes sense that you want to tell N beforehand. I'm sorry to hear that she feels used by M. That's really not a nice feeling to have. I'm wondering whether it might be a good idea if N talks to M as well. It sounds like it's more to do with them two of them and less with you. Is that right? Maybe the main conversation could be between the two of them and you could be there to support N in getting her point across. Or do you think M would feel uncomfortable if you both wanted to talk to her at the same time? 

One of my friends used to only come to me if she was in trouble, feeling down or upset about something and never to just chat or ask me how I was feeling . After a while, it started to bother me and I also felt like she was just using me. I decided to talk to her about it. She told me that the reason she was doing this is because she felt like I really understood her and she didn't feel comfortable talking to anyone else about her feelings. She also hadn't noticed that she never asked me anything about myself and how I was feeling. Things still weren't perfect after our talk but they definitely improved. Talking to her made me realise why she would only come to me if she had a problem or wasn't doing so well  and I got the impression that she started to care a little more about how I was feeling.

Like you said, hopefully M will appreciate you (or N) speaking to her and this will all be resolved without difficulty. What do you think might be the best and the worst that could happen if you (or both of you) speak to her and how would you feel about either possibilities? 

[Bisexual Soprano]

On 4/5/2024 at 2:52 AM, Aurora said:

Hi @Bisexual Soprano,

That makes sense that you want to tell N beforehand. I'm sorry to hear that she feels used by M. That's really not a nice feeling to have. I'm wondering whether it might be a good idea if N talks to M as well. It sounds like it's more to do with them two of them and less with you. Is that right? Maybe the main conversation could be between the two of them and you could be there to support N in getting her point across. Or do you think M would feel uncomfortable if you both wanted to talk to her at the same time? 

One of my friends used to only come to me if she was in trouble, feeling down or upset about something and never to just chat or ask me how I was feeling . After a while, it started to bother me and I also felt like she was just using me. I decided to talk to her about it. She told me that the reason she was doing this is because she felt like I really understood her and she didn't feel comfortable talking to anyone else about her feelings. She also hadn't noticed that she never asked me anything about myself and how I was feeling. Things still weren't perfect after our talk but they definitely improved. Talking to her made me realise why she would only come to me if she had a problem or wasn't doing so well  and I got the impression that she started to care a little more about how I was feeling.

Like you said, hopefully M will appreciate you (or N) speaking to her and this will all be resolved without difficulty. What do you think might be the best and the worst that could happen if you (or both of you) speak to her and how would you feel about either possibilities? 

I hope that if N and I talk to M about all of this, it will be resolved peacefully and we can go back to being friends in peace.  Unfortunately, I'm not too optimistic.  Yesterday, M talked to N about being uncomfortable with another person (let's call him C) making suicide jokes, even though M knows that N isn't comfortable about the subject either.  M was making jokes that she knew C would respond to with suicide jokes, and then she was upset about the jokes (I'm not condoning C's behavior, but M knew perfectly well what would happen and kept going anyway).  This devolved into M ranting about another friend's (let's call this person T) drug overdose.  M also called T manipulative because T only talks to M about their problems and uses it for attention.  As if this isn't exactly the same thing M is doing to N, minus the self-harm.

I don't know T well at all, but N and I are starting to suspect that M knows what she is doing and is doing it on purpose.  I'm not sure what exactly will happen when we talk to M, though.

[Aurora]

On 4/25/2024 at 1:57 AM, Bisexual Soprano said:

I hope that if N and I talk to M about all of this, it will be resolved peacefully and we can go back to being friends in peace.  Unfortunately, I'm not too optimistic.  Yesterday, M talked to N about being uncomfortable with another person (let's call him C) making suicide jokes, even though M knows that N isn't comfortable about the subject either.  M was making jokes that she knew C would respond to with suicide jokes, and then she was upset about the jokes (I'm not condoning C's behavior, but M knew perfectly well what would happen and kept going anyway).  This devolved into M ranting about another friend's (let's call this person T) drug overdose.  M also called T manipulative because T only talks to M about their problems and uses it for attention.  As if this isn't exactly the same thing M is doing to N, minus the self-harm.

I don't know T well at all, but N and I are starting to suspect that M knows what she is doing and is doing it on purpose.  I'm not sure what exactly will happen when we talk to M, though.

Hi @Bisexual Soprano,

That's a really interesting observation you made there about M calling T manipulative and only talking to M about their problems but them doing the same. I think that we sometimes criticise things about others that we really don't like about ourselves. Do you think that might be the case here? 

What you and N might find helpful now, is to weigh up what the pros and cons of talking to M. You already mentioned that things might be resolved peacefully and you can go back to being friends in peace. If it goes well, what other advantages can you think of that talking to her might have?

Let's say it doesn't go so well, what do you think would be the worst that could happen?